AS ALWAYS!!!
The two cousins begin to pay homage to their favorite film “Pulp Fiction” by imitating the “famous dance scene”. DAVE is Uma Thurman and CANDICE is John Travolta and they have the twisting steps down to a “T”.
63 The animation now freezes and flashback proceeds to take over the show for the current moment.
CANDICE
You see “Wonderful as Always” is my at work catch phrase DAVE and I came up with while reading some customer service enhancement techniques on the internet. This is something most people slash workers just don’t do. It is almost as if to these books, they are allergic, which only helps them become more and more socially lethargic. My positive life philosophy is the surgeon; therefore I am...and I am the sergeant. Napoleon Hill’s Law of Success textbook teaches us many stores sell the same famous product. The famous product itself has all the credibility in the world, to sell itself. The competitive part however, is which local store will receive the eager customers wishing to purchase what they were told they needed on the idiot box aka...the television? Napoleon Hill lists almost 18 success principles and I HEREBY REFUSE TO TELL ALL 18 OF THEM TO THE LIKES OF YOU!!!
CANDICE stands up in an outraged manner and storms over to the camera screen fast. He then points his finger at the observing audience for a second before he reveals his playful attitude towards the subject.
CANDICE
I will however; give you a few. PENS AND PAPERS OUT NOW!!!
CANDICE points his fingers down until they hit a nearby table hard. A semi loud thud is heard and his facial expression resembles sludge because his features are being dragged down for dramatic effect. After all, this is an animation.
CANDICE
Snippet numeral Uno: A pleasing, energetic, magnetic and highly adaptable social personality is BY FAR, the best weapon a salesperson can ever have. Do not ever be fooled by your actual positions people;
The camera zooms in on CANDICE’s face and a sly, slick, maneuvering expression overcomes his face
CANDICE
Everybody sells something (laughing). It may be a hamburger, a double whopper with cheese, antique chessboards, TV show seasons on DVD, groceries, car parts, cars themselves...or it may just be yourself as a likable person. No matter what actual product you do sell, always remember it is only of secondary importance. Your personality is the primary product you sell. You can sell a blind person a package of college ruled writing paper...if he likes you enough. You have to aspire to become the most successful person who is not in your family. And if one of your family members just happens to truly be the most successful person in the world, then go ahead and break this rule. Once you continue pursuing to be the most successful person you know, in a month or 6...you shall observe some wondrous results...as always.
Now the greatest obstacle slash challenge with this practice for the average newcomer is this:
64 CANDICE assumes the facial expression of an ashamed toddler in trouble. He is in the following statements, mocking the people who don’t believe in themselves enough to entertain their respective customers with their pleasing personalities.
But everyday is just not really wonderful. I don’t have to lie to these customers to sell them some sugarcane now do I Chizzy?
No man, no...the answer is no. You do not have to in fact lie to our precious customers. YOU HAVE TO LIE TO YOURSELF YA FOOL!!! Everybody has trials, everybody has tribulations, and everybody faces daily hardships and adversities. What separates the beyond great from the below average is the ability to put aside their personal grievances and setbacks...and make the customer feel better about theirs. You just have to constantly remember FREDERICK; the customer has her own issues to deal with. And instead of dealing with these issues, she is shopping at the store you are currently working for. Maybe by shopping at your place of employment she is solving some of her issues...but most likely not. In that case, also remember FREDDY that your customers have probably shopped at your job way before it was, your job; and they just may continue to shop there once you leave for whatever reason, if you don’t scare them off with your negative attitude first. Now here is the fun part, there is a small majority of workers spread sparsely throughout the entire world responsible for a great number of their customer’s many visits to the shop in which they are employed. How do they accomplish this almost impossible task you ask? They do it by making the customers feel at peace and at home. Every customer does not reside in a peaceful abode, and the grandest of all the employees recognize this fact because maybe, they don’t either. For the great servicemen, work is an opportunity to escape their annoyingly rude 9yr old niece and her highly ignorant father. Work for them is an opportunity to learn how to treat people, how to interact with people of all different characteristics. It provides them the chance to treat an 80yr old female patron special, in front of the finest 26yr old model looking customer named Ms. Angel they have ever witnessed.
If that monologue didn’t convey the obvious benefits to you pimping, check this one out:
You have problems and so do your customers. So if you just happened to radiate a more positive outlook than anyone else around you; by law it would have to rub off on those whom you come into contact with for long periods of time. The formula is simple: make 100 people feel better and more at peace with their current situations and your personal problems take a back seat to the new attention you so often receive now. Do not ever forget FREDDY; you ARE going to receive a ton of positive press for this new found spiritual mentality. Once again, the formula is simple, guaranteed and proven to attain easy, free results: make 100 people laugh in one day and your problems seem much less relevant. I promise FREDDY, I promise.
The screen now turns black and a loud voice
JOEY
WARNING, WARNING! HEY SPOILER ALERT NNA
The screen fades back in with Chizzy resuming his informing rant
CANDICE
65 Now since the fun parts over, here comes the emotionally troubling part of this equation: The first 2months of this new mentality is going to bring many rumors your way. A few people are going to constantly accuse you or at least spread behind your back rumors of you being some type of drug addict. This is just a defense mechanism for the self conscious and insecure people who just can not understand why you are so “damn positive all the time”. By the time 6months rolls around, you should be a local celebrity. When you walk in the store with your uniform on, ready to clock in and perform your easy duties ever so wonderfully as always; the business patrons will be watching you. They were thinking about you. After all, you did a great job charming them. They walked into the store hoping they would run into you at the register right before they left the vicinity. The wives tell their husbands about you, they tell their sisters and girlfriends about your past conversations as well. The husbands may not be so chatty however. You often secretly know why people leave from other cashier’s registers just to be serviced by you. Why do they love you so much though? It is actually very, very simple. When they first walk up to you, they hear you thanking the previous customer for shopping at “enter your establishment here”. They secretly observed how well you interact with all the other customers, even the rare or not so rare rude customers. When you are ringing up their items you ask them how they are doing today. They give you a semi authentic answer sometimes. You have an ability to force them to reveal their positive side by pulling yours out first and SHOOTING THEM IN THE FACE
This is an exaggeration as well as a double meaning, which forces a laugh out of CANDICE
CANDICE
When they ask you in return the same question your reply is much more authentic. “Wonderful as Always” is your answer and the following is the breakdown. The word wonderful is in fact a wonderful word. What makes this phrase catchy and memorable are the last two words. By telling your customers you are doing wonderful, they will feel slightly elated but nevertheless they will just later brush it off as a temporary state. Maybe you are just doing wonderful for today. But no FREDDY, this is a huge mistake. Never let these people confuse you with the average frustrated chump worker bee. You my friend are an uncompromising genius. Now on the other hand, the “as always” part of this equation; creates a fantasy world in which you successfully live in. The “as always” immediately isolates you from the remaining employed staff members. This, “as always” forces the customer to fantasize about you. It forces them to imagine you as a person, so damn happy, every day of the week. Now the truth of the matter is, there are only a few people in this world who feel wonderful every day and in every way.
These people are the ones who understand “now moments”. Now moments simply represent the present moment. The only thing we humans ever truly “posses” is; the present moment. Every funny memory, every horrible memory and every future memory occurs in the present moment. The present moment is always changing and will always change. Every person has a mental ego; that negative inner voice which is always trying to judge what we see on the daily. It is always trying to convince us we are under siege, a threat is always near. Life only rarely gives us threatening situations. The funniest thing about it is; even in those times, we are still not facing eradication.
CANDICE looks down with desperation and a bit of confusion all over his face
CANDICE
I still haven’t figured this part out yet...soon enough though.
66 CANDICE then resumes that familiar pleasant facial expression he is so known for.
CANDICE
The easiest way to live peacefully is to understand now moments. A now moment is only meant to be appreciated. God’s universe gives us laws concerning appreciation. Statistically speaking, if we find 100 things in our current life situation to be grateful for, who’s to say God herself won’t give us 100 more things to be grateful for. Now wouldn’t that be great? So once we combine the law of gratitude with all the present moments, we receive a much more abundant life situation.
Now we have just stumbled into a wonderful conversational topic right here. What is the difference between your life and your life situation? Your life is just the culmination of everything you do; it can not be changed. Your life situation on the other hand, is every thing you can remember. All of these events are just your temporary life situation. Your life situation always changes. Now speaking of changing, I’m hopping in the shower.
CANDICE begins to stand and starts singing his famous shower tune.
CANDICE
I’m hopping in the shower. I’m going to need about an hour, while I hop up in the shower.
CANDICE walks to the last step and the camera will freeze. Once the camera resume, CANDICE will be at the first step of the flight.
INT. DAY. CANDICE’s bathroom
The camera will once again freeze and transition. The next time you see CANDICE, he will be in the foggy/misty shower booth.
The camera goes into a split screen. One side shows CANDICE washing up his upper body in the shower and the other side shows CANDICE’s girlfriend ASHLEIGH SATURDAY, knocking on the front door. CANDICE’s mom PATRICIA answers the door
EXT. DAY OUTSIDE OF CANDICE’s MOM’s HOUSE
PATRICIA
Good afternoon ASHLEIGH, how was work?
ASHLEIGH
It was ok until your son clocked out on me.
PATRICIA
That sure sounds like a nice compliment to me.
ASHLEIGH
67
Speaking of him, is he here?
PATRICIA
I believe he is; he is however in the shower. Would you like to wait for him? He should be on his way out very soon, or he’ll be paying for the water bill.
ASHLEIGH
Oh yes, Ma’am! ASHLEIGH wouldn’t have it any other way.
INT. DAY, CANDICE’s ROOM
ASHLEIGH proceeds to walk up the stairs to the second floor after Ms. PATRICIA asks her to step inside of the house. ASHLEIGH then decides over her options:
ASHLEIGH
Now I can get underneath his covers, make myself comfortable and pretend to be asleep inside of my own bed. Or I could matter of fact
ASHELIGH’s gaze heads over to CANDICE’s closet while she ponders her next move. She walks closer and closer to the closet until she is able to open it. She then opens it and finds a clean, crisp shirt which she presumes CANDICE will slide on after he successfully dries off his body. She knows CANDICE has just given away some of his smaller clothes and the proof of this is a big, empty space on the left of the shirt. She decides to position herself right there as she closes back the closet door.
INT. DAY, CANDICE’s BATHROOM
CANDICE is now dressing his lower body (socks, undergarments, and khaki shorts) right outside of the bathroom door. As he finishes, he slides over to the dirty clothes hamper and puts his dirty clothes “in their place”.
INT. DAY, CANDICE’s BEDROOM
As CANDICE enters his room with his towel around his neck, his intuition is buzzing with an incredible intensity. He can not put his finger on what is going on but listening to his intuition always feels so good. He tosses his towel onto his bed as he heads over to his closet to dress his upper body.
Right as he slides over the closet door, ASHLEIGH surprises him with an “attack kiss”. This surprise is so well planned it brings CANDICE to his left knee with his right foot positioned in the football huddle stance. ASHLEIGH then repositions herself so she is bending over him with their lips still in unison.
The camera now freezes on the couple kissing almost intensely. CANDICE now resumes narration of the story
68
CANDICE
Ah! ASHLEIGH NICOLE SATURDAY, the love of my life I hope. I’m young yes, almost 16; but still old enough to establish what makes me feel good. And this young lady right here, gee golly pish posh does she ever makes me feel good! I mean, way before we ever locked lips or even hugged. Her hugs feel better than her kisses to me sometimes. I love being the center of her attention. I myself am the center of other people’s attention so for her to be the center of mine; it is an outstanding accomplishment in its own right. Maybe she planned it like this, I know I didn’t. This is just the way God intended this situation to play out. The day I met ASHLEIGH was by far the best day of my entire life for several reasons. Turns out, I had interacted with ASHLEIGH 2 weeks before we were formally introduced. I had just printed out my 3rd official newsletter on positivity. I remember speaking to Monique one on one in the store’s deli café about something related. There she was, ASHLEIGH, sitting quietly and by herself at the table to our right. After my conversation with Monique was finished, I smoothly looked ASHLEIGH in her “gorgeous” eyes...passed an extra copy of the newsletter, asked her to read it for me and I left the store and went home.
I remember thinking, oh snap; if she’s too young I could get in trouble for giving her mature literature. So a few weeks later, on the day I was supposed to travel to Jacksonville, Florida, I met ASHLEIGH. I cancelled the trip due to lack of preparation. So on November 20th, instead of being in Jacksonville romancing a blind date, I had the exquisite pleasure of introducing myself formally to ASHLEIGH NICOLE SATURDAY on her 16th birthday mind you. I was off for that day and I was checking the schedule. I saw ASHLEIGH in her nicely ironed uniform and I failed to recognize her from before. It wasn’t until a month later that I made the connection. I loved shaking her hands. So the next few days, needless to say, I was smitten. I had this one other girl I was into at the job. She was into me as well but she had for the last year been romantically involved with another female who also worked with us. Cross that one off, now back to ASHLEIGH S. My job is to assist the customers and the cashiers along with a little handy work here and there. ASHLEIGH just so happens to be a cashier and it makes my job that much more interesting. I just feel so much calmer when I am under ASHLEIGH’s love spell. I never want to be around her more than when I am away from her. I am growing into a very independent young man but still; she affects me in a most positive manner. She is very mature, warm hearted, cool headed and an evenly balance individual. And she seems to like being an influential figure in my life as well.
CANDICE snaps back to “reality” once he notices ASHLEIGH has him face down in his bed sheets while she plays gleefully in his “long, silky, girly hair”.
CANDICE
Well since we are already here and ready...is ASHLEIGH thinking what CANDICE is thinking?
ASHLEIGH
Yes baby, of course I will braid your locks up if you’re patient enough boo. What were you just thinking about? You seemed pretty far gone yet I could still feel your presence...it was very weird.
CANDICE
Well of course ASHLEIGH, I was thinking ‘bout you boo. Why would I ever disrespect your company by thinking of anything...or even worse...any one else?
69
ASHLEIGH
I don’t know (very sarcastically)... every body makes mistakes
As ASHLEIGH says “every body makes mistakes” she playfully pushes CANDICE’s head back into his pillow
ASHLEIGH
So in what fashion were you thinking about me CANDICE? (She says CANDICE very strictly) What exact memory were you focusing on at the current moment?
ASHLEIGH whispers in CANDICE’s right ear in a very seductive and sexy manner “the current moment”. It is as if ASHLEIGH understands CANDICE’s thought process and what effect such an emphasis on those words would have on him.
So she taps his right shoulder twice while she sits on the edge of his bed. CANDICE understands the body language and sits down in-between ASHLEIGH’s legs in a non sexual manner so she can braid up his already locked up hair.
CANDICE
Well if you must know, NOZIPHO...I was re-imagining the best days of my life...the first month I interacted with you baby.
ASHLEIGH
Damn CHIZZY...you really know how to steal my emotions don’t you?
ASHLEIGH wipes a few oncoming tears from both cheeks and kisses the left side of CANDICE’s freshly cleaned neck. As ASHLEIGH begins the braiding, CANDICE resumes his ever so interesting monologue chronicling how he met ASHLEIGH in the first place
CANDICE
Now when I first became comfortable with ASHLEIGH...life appeared problem-less. There happened to be one problem however...it took the physical form of DUSTIN. Now DUSTIN is at this time, ASHLEIGH’s boyfriend of 3yrs. She told me she loved him still but she was no longer “in love” with him. Good for me in any case, but this would prove to be a most delicate situation. So how do you extract a young lady from a situation you helped her realize she no longer wants to be a participant in? The answer is so simple; you don’t. You can however, persuade her to extract herself. After all, it is she who is involved in the exclusive relationship. I only saw DUSTIN less than 10 times and I never wished to increase this count. Every time I saw him he seemed so quiet. Now there is nothing wrong with being quiet because I am quiet as well. His quiet accompanied a strange sense of insecurity however. I remembered ASHLEIGH showing me a few pictures on her phone of her and DUSTIN hanging out together. In the majority of the pictures, she was the only person actually smiling. To this day, I still have no clue what could have possibly been troubling him so
70 much that he felt it was politically incorrect to smile. Like did the camera man hold up a sign reading “show one tooth and I’m knocking all of them out!” with a sledge-hammer to go with it?
That’s the first time I realized I really wanted to be involved in an exclusive relationship with ASHLEIGH. I felt, if God gave me the opportunity, I wouldn’t let any of them down. It was so easy to visualize myself with her; once I was with her in my mind, I always saw myself smiling all the time like I was 5 again. There is a combination of innocence about ASHLEIGH as well as an undeniable sense of maturity about her. I know it’s obviously highly unfeasible for one person to possess both spiritual qualities...but her spirit is aligned enough to balance out both. I mean, simply put, she gets it in.
So if CANDICE is making ASHLEIGH out to be the “perfect woman for him”, then traditionally speaking, she must have been another man’s trash. The worst thing DUSTIN ever did was give me the opportunity to:
The screen fades out and JOEY cuts in once more for comedic effect.
JOEY
Immerse yo chick in a world of...FAN-TA-SAE-(drag out “SAE” for as long as possible) YEA- AH
Now back to CANDICE and his monologue
CANDICE
So once I had the chance to completely immerse ASHLEIGH SATURDAY into my world of constant, entertaining and self-improving adventure, their relationship was over. And I never had to kiss her; but I still did it anyway (laughs). Here’s how it happened: I had to work on a Saturday coincidentally and so did ASHLEIGH. I was scheduled for 2PM Eastern time but I was “on site” by noon, I just hate to be late anywhere. Little did I know however, God had placed me in a position to view ASHLEIGH in an emotional state she didn’t want me to see her in. ASHLEIGH decided to switch shifts with another worker JACKIE but I just didn’t know why. Jackie’s original Sat. shift was from 7AM until 2PM with a noon lunch break. I worked the same shift as ASHLEIGH’s original shift, 2PM until closing, 11PM. JACKIE is cool too, she’s just 10 yrs older than I am but nevertheless; the successful adapt to their ever changing life situations. What ASHLEIGH did not expect however, was me “waiting” for her while she went on her noon lunch break in the deli café. When I laid my eyes on her face for the first time that day, I flinched, and I never, ever flinch. I flinched because her boyfriend had obviously beaten the
The screen turns black and JOEY cuts in for a brief moment.
JOEY
CHILL OUT!!!
Back to CANDICE.
CANDICE
Out of her. So I immediately moved my chair closer to hers. What happened to your face ASHLEIGH SATURDAY!?!
71
ASHLEIGH
I don’t know...I guess I fell in my asleep
CANDICE
Ok, so now I’m stupid right? Looks to us like you fell victim to an unfair beat-down...that’s what it looks like.
ASHLEIGH
Wait a minute...who’s “us”? It is only us here.
CANDICE
“Us” is the lie detection agency and I.
CANDICE’s intuition was on point once again. That silly comment succeeded in making ASHLEIGH laugh.
ASHLEIGH
Now I can’t even stay mad at you CHIZZY
CANDICE
Wait...hold up a good minute! Why in the hill would you be upset with me? I mean, I didn’t do this to you.
ASHLEIGH looks down to a dead bug on the floor in despair as she prepares her response.
ASHLEIGH
I know you didn’t CANDICE, but DUSTIN thinks you and I have a romantic affair going on.
CANDICE takes a long sip like gulp from his sprite, places the cup back down on the coaster, wipes the moisture off from around his growing mustache and smiles. His next words exit one at a time in a very slow, seductive and hypnotic manner.
CANDICE
But...there...is...nothing...going...on...between...us...Simply put, you are not my type and you could never be so lucky.
CANDICE looks away as he declares “You are not my type and you could never be so lucky.” He then resumes with the eye contact. He can tell by the look on her face, which comment stunned her expectations obviously hurting her feelings in the process.
CANDICE then places his right hand on top of her left.
72
CANDICE
I was just fooling around with you ASHLEIGH, you should know without a doubt’s shadow I care about you...too much in fact for you to be “someone else’s girlfriend”.
ASHLEIGH
Well if you think I would actually stay in an abusive relationship with anyone, including that jerk-off DUSTIN; then I guess you are pretty stupid. My father never hit me and no one else will either...ever.
CANDICE smiles at this comment realizing his opportunity for a relationship with ASHLEIGH...finally. ASHLEIGH stands up, preparing to fix her something to eat. CANDICE stands up and positions his body right in front of her.
CANDICE
So what are you saying ASHLEIGH NICOLE?
ASHLEIGH
I’m just letting prospective investors now what’s on the emotional market.
ASHLEIGH laughs while she moves a strand of hair from the side of her face back to its original position. CANDICE notices this as an easy sign of attraction and indicator of interest.
CANDICE
So um...would you like to be my last girlfriend?
ASHLEIGH
HILL NO (with a sincere smile)
CANDICE
Well if that’s the case ASHLEIGH...I never said you could. I could just tell something was troubling you.
ASHLEIGH walks over to CANDICE slowly but surely, in an almost deliberate way.
ASHLEIGH
Oh! You could just tell huh? Well what’s troubling me is the fact you took my first answer seriously.
CANDICE
ASHLEIGH please, I hardly take anything you say serious...let alone at face value.
CANDICE rubs his right index finger across the left side of ASHLEIGH’s cheeks, wiping off the remaining tears as he says “let alone at face value”.
73
ASHLEIGH
So ask me again...please
ASHLEIGH maintains eye contact with CANDICE as she un-buttons the top button of his uniform shirt.
CANDICE
ASHLEIGH NICOLE SATURDAY...please be my first girlfriend
ASHLEIGH
I thought at first you said last?
CANDICE
Yea I know...I can play games a little bit too ASH. First, last, it just doesn’t matter; what matters is you are my present moment...and present moments last forever.
ASHLEIGH looks up at CANDICE like she never has before but always does now- a-days.
ASHLEIGH
You mean I’m your every thing?
CANDICE
Every since your last birthday my little personal watermelon...pun intended.
ASHLEIGH takes one step closer to CANDICE and this leaves no “personal space” in-between them. CANDICE takes a step back to test her. ASHLEIGH complies by once again stepping closer to him.
ASHLEIGH
So what now?
CANDICE
Well, first things first; I help you forget about your troubled past relationship.
ASHLEIGH
Well if I may interject; isn’t that what got us into trouble CANDICE?
ASHLEIGH smiles as she grabs hold of CANDICE’s hand and places it on her face so he could rub it smoothly once more. She has already grown accustomed to his serene touch.
CANDICE
74 Hold up, I’m not in trouble. It’s a real shame what he did to you...a damn shame. Inside this temporary tragedy however; God gave me what I wanted most; you ASHLEIGH, you. All I wanted was an opportunity to rightfully be able to do this;
CANDICE lifts up ASHLEIGH’s chin and attempts to kiss her. By this point his hand is supporting her neck and he felt her shake at the impact; she likes it. The kiss itself lasts for about 30 seconds. One second for every day he knew her before they were an “exclusive item”. The kiss ends...for now.
CANDICE
So how long do you have on your break again?
CANDICE and ASHLEIGH both look at their respective watch and cell phone. When ASHLEIGH opens up her phone, she is reminded of DUSTIN because an older picture of them serves as her backgrounds. She snaps a quick picture of CANDICE and proceeds to make that one her new background wallpaper.
ASHLEIGH
Aw! Now that’s better boo boo. You are so much cuter than him anyway. It is now 12:10PM and I have 20 minutes left boo. Why, what do you want to do with me CANDICE darling?
CANDICE
Treat you to a healthy lunch while we discuss “trivial” matters of no real importance.
ASHLEIGH
Ooh, aren’t you the eventful new boyfriend?
ASHLEIGH and CANDICE begin to pack up their stuff and visit the Chinese based restaurant located in the same shopping plaza as their place of employment. The camera will freeze frame and fade to white as they leave the building.
CANDICE’s monologue is finally over and now we observe him with 75% of his hair braided. His eyes were closed the entire time and he now re-opens them.
ASHLEIGH
So you back now CANDY?
CANDICE
Yes baby, CANDY’s back in effect
ASHLEIGH
You know DUSTIN came by house yesterday night, around 9PM Eastern time?
CANDICE
75
Andddd? What else happened?
ASHLEIGH
Nothing too significant or romantic or anything, he just came by to apologize again...for what happened between us. He seems to be really broken up by it.
CANDICE
Well I’m sure he is...I’d be broken up too if I was in his position. Once my mother found out I hit you, regardless of the situation I would be even more broken.
They both share a hearty laugh together.
CANDICE
So did you accept his apology again?
ASHLEIGH
As a matter of fact CANDICE, I did; under one simple condition. He is never to approach me anywhere without my non text message hand written note.
CANDICE
Jeesh, ASHLEIGH, seems like a considerable amount of “trouble” to go through just to communicate with him.
ASHLEIGH
That’s the point though CANDY, I have no interest in interacting with that...wonderful person.
They both realize the irony in ASHLEIGH’s words and resume their “couple’s laughter” once more.
CANDICE
Have you ever heard of the “mastermind principle” ASHLEIGH?
ASHLEIGH
Not at all, what is that? A new government mandate of some sort?
CANDICE
No silly, no.
CANDICE begins to laugh uncontrollably at ASHLEIGH’s “genuine answer”.
CANDICE
The mastermind principle is an older term coined by the great Napoleon Hill.
76
ASHLEIGH
Um, don’t you mean Napolean Bonaparte?
CANDICE once again finds this insanely comical and begins to outbursts so hard, ASHLEIGH has to stop braiding his hair and slap him upside his head.
ASHLEIGH
If you keep treating my answers like that, this is how you are walking around tomorrow. Now I suggest you respond to my answers like you have some foresight.
This in itself is a reference to one of the lessons Napoleon Hill teaches about. This reveals ASHLEIGH may in fact know more about Hill’s teachings than she admitted to.
CANDICE
Ok baby, ok, I apologize sincerely. Common mistake, (snickers) Napolean Bonaparte was an ancient conqueror and war lord. Napoleon Hill however, differed in many noticeable ways. Napoleon Hill was more interested in conquering the human mind to achieve greatness in any undertaking undertaken. So Hill spent about 2 consecutive decades researching the most prominent, industrious and wealthy people all over the country and maybe even the world. After these 20 yrs, his contact list was tremendously stupendous I would imagine.
ASHLEIGH
Yes I would too.
CANDICE
So anyway, Hill started off as some sort of journalist and his most recent assignment at the time was to interview United Steel Corporation legend Andrew Carnegie Sr. So Mr. Carnegie was so impressed with this young man for whatever reason, he offered him an once in a lifetime opportunity. Carnegie would set use his ever so abundant resources to set up several meetings with a few of his friends, some of the richest people ever creating their own first generation wealth. The catch was Hill would not be paid for his efforts; he was to assemble a success manual from all the hard hours he spent extracting personal information from these “industry giants”. He was given the opportunity to spend more time with these almost billionaires in a 20yr span than the “average person” is allotted in a life time. Plus not only was he allotted time with these people, but he had the reference from another person worth $500Million. What more could you ask for?
ASHLEIGH
A lifetime with you
They both realize her attempt to further humanize the moment with a soft sell and they kiss passionately before CANDICE resumes his dialogue.
CANDICE
77 Thank you hummingbird; almost done here. So Hill is at this point expected to interview every person he was sent to, determine what they back-stories were, their hardships and what drove them to acquire all of the wealth they did; their secrets to success if you would call it that. I would suppose Carnegie himself planned to profit from the book himself, once it was fully published and distributed. After all, his honorable mentions of the project along with his actual participation slash organization of the project should help the book sales too. His not initially getting paid was kind of a crummy deal but Carnegie’s point was; if the success manual truly worked, which it obviously did, then Hill would receive all the compensation he and his future generations would ever need in life. What Hill did not figure out until later was Carnegie believed men slow to reach a decision can never succeed. Carnegie was timing Hill’s answer, giving him only 60 seconds to comply or turn it down before he was ultimately disqualified.
ASHLEIGH
Ouch, so much suspense man!!!
CANDICE
Yes I know right...so anyway, Hill was smart enough to comply within 20 seconds or less. I’ll have to listen to the tapes again for the exact number of seconds. So to wrap up the story; he published the interviews into a book titled “Napoleon Hill’s the law of success in 17 or 18 lessons”. The book was so powerful, the most powerful people who control the world decided this manual was too intense for the masses and took it down.
ASHLEIGH
So what did Hill do after that? They just stripped away his new found source of residual income!!!
CANDICE
Please calm down baby, he just went back and stripped away some of the most powerful principles in the story. He then published another book called “Think and Grow Rich”. I remember purchasing the audio- book version and downloading the e-book version. The audio version is 8 hrs is long, which is long mind you. When compared to The Law of Success’ audio length, it is only 1/3rd, which is so tragic. I felt taken advantage of when I first realized this fact. So I downloaded the Law of Success and am STILL LISTENING TO IT. I mean, it is 24 freaking hrs long ASHLEIGH; that’s even a lot of knowledge for yours truly.
ASHLEIGH
So what does the “mastermind principle” have to do with Napoleon Hill, think and grow rich and the law of success?
CANDICE
Simple, the “mastermind principle” is just lesson number one or two believe. The mastermind states once a person has a definite aim to reach for, other people who desire to achieve the same goal should be gathered into a group.
ASHLEIGH
Ah Ha! The Mastermind incarnate!!!
78
CANDICE
Exactly baby, exact-a-mundo. Hill goes on to explain water itself is another mastermind.
ASHLEIGH
Oh yeah, two molecules of oxygen and one molecule of hydrogen.
CANDICE
I love you
He wipes off his tears after this heart-felt remark.
CANDICE
A table is a mastermind too; the wood and the legs, even the chairs. So the main ingredient of the mastermind following the definite purpose is harmony. Without harmony, the mastermind group can never ever exist. If harmony is kept in tact however, then the group’s members are able to tap into the subconscious mind of the remaining members.
ASHLEIGH
As long as the harmony remains!
CANDICE
You so have gotten the concept down-packed.
The remaining 25% of CANDICE’s hair is completely braided up. He stands up to conclude the story.
ASHLEIGH
GREAT story baby; only one question.
CANDICE
What is it baby?
ASHLEIGH
Please let me drive you over to my mom’s house for dinner. We are making salmon cakes and patties, then you can explain more about the mastermind and the “subconscious mind” I’ve never heard of that before.
CANDICE looks towards the camera in a completely stupefied manner. It is almost as if everyone he knows knows something about the “subconscious mind”. There is a strong probability ASHLEIGH knows more about the subconscious mind than CANDICE does; she just loves hearing him speak. It is her way of helping him gain more confidence in his oratory skills.
79 The camera moves out of the room as the passionate, young couple kiss and exits the house. Once the camera is outside, it turns up to show the serene looking sky. The viewers will hear the footsteps treading down the stairs.
EXT. NIGHT, CANDICE’s FRONT LAWN
ASHLEIGH and CANDICE exit the house and enter ASHLEIGH’s newly washed car.
INT. NIGHT, ASHLEIGH’s CAR
ASHLEIGH
You requested permission from your mother to leave the house and have dinner with my family?
CANDICE
HA...permission?
ASHLEIGH shoots a stern look in CANDICE’s direction, aimed only at him.
CANDICE
Of course baby, I was just playing
ASHLEIGH
That’s just what I thought
The camera slowly backs up and lifts up vertically as it observes the car drive off. CANDICE is heard repeating his ignorant phrase once again.
CANDICE
Ha! Permission...
ASHLEIGH is heard slapping him, presumably in the head
The End TUNECHI and Company
I would love a 6month internship with YOUNG MONEY FILMS because in reality,
6months is more than enough time to prove to you all just how valuable my presence
combined with my ideas is. God constantly gives me an abundance of wonderful ideas
and I would love an opportunity to prove myself.
If you actually made it to this page Wayne, I think it s safe to say I did and just
know my bags are packed and ready to go when you are Sir Tune. I also want to
80 thank my mother Suzanne Harris for her support and my father David Harris Sr. for
listening to my dream and providing the funds to send this to you as well as insight on
how to make sure it gets to you.

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Johnson, Samuel, London, an adaptation of Juvenal, Third Satire.
Junius, Letters.
Kubrick, Stanley, Dr. Strangelove.
Mencken, HL, Libido for the Ugly.
Morris, Chris, Brass Eye.
———, The Day Today.
Orwell, George, Nineteen Eighty-Four.
Orwell, George, Animal Farm.
Palahniuk, Chuck, Fight Club.
Swift, Jonathan, A Modest Proposal.
Voltaire, Candide.
Zamyatin, Yevgeny, We.
Menippean
See Menippean satire.

Satire versus teasing
In the history of theatre there has always been a conflict between engagement and disengagement on politics and relevant issue, between satire and grotesque on one side, and jest with teasing on the other.[37] Max Eastman defined the spectrum of satire in terms of "degrees of biting", as ranging from satire proper at the hot-end, and "kidding" at the violet-end; Eastman adopted the term kidding to denote what is just satirical in form, but is not really firing at the target.[38] Nobel laureate satirical playwright Dario Fo pointed out the difference between satire and teasing (sfottò).[39] Teasing is the reactionary side of the comic; it limits itself to a shallow parody of physical appearance. The side-effect of teasing is that it humanizes and draws sympathy for the powerful individual towards which it is directed. Satire instead uses the comic to go against power and its oppressions, has a subversive character, and a moral dimension which draws judgement against its targets.[40][41][42][43] Fo formulated an operational criterion to tell real satire from sfottò, saying that real satire arouses an outraged and violent reaction, and that the more they try to stop you, the better is the job you are doing.[44] Fo contends that, historically, people in positions of power have welcomed and encouraged good-humoured buffoonery, while modern day people in positions of power have tried to censor, ostracize and repress satire.[37][40]

Teasing (sfottò) is an ancient form of simple buffoonery, a form of comedy without satire's subversive edge. Teasing includes light and affectionate parody, good-humoured mockery, simple one-dimensional poking fun, and benign spoofs. Teasing typically consists of an impersonation of someone monkeying around with his exterior attributes, tics, physical blemishes, voice and mannerisms, quirks, way of dressing and walking, and/or the phrases he typically repeats. By contrast, teasing never touches on the core issue, never makes a serious criticism judging the target with irony; it never harms the target's conduct, ideology and position of power; it never undermines the perception of his morality and cultural dimension.[40][42] Sfottò directed towards a powerful individual makes him appear more human and draws sympathy towards him.[45] Hermann Göring propagated jests and jokes against himself, with the aim of humanizing his image.[46][47]

Classifications by topics
Types of satire can also be classified according to the topics it deals with. From the earliest times, at least since the plays of Aristophanes, the primary topics of literary satire have been politics, religion and sex.[48][49][50][51] This is partly because these are the most pressing problems that affect anybody living in a society, and partly because these topics are usually taboo.[48][52] Among these, politics in the broader sense is considered the pre-eminent topic of satire.[52] Satire which targets the clergy is a type of political satire, while religious satire is that which targets religious beliefs.[53] Satire on sex may overlap with blue comedy, off-color humor and dick jokes.

Scatology has a long literary association with satire,[48][54][55] as it is a classical mode of the grotesque, the grotesque body and the satiric grotesque.[48][56] Shit plays a fundamental role in satire because it symbolizes death, the turd being "the ultimate dead object".[54][55] The satirical comparison of individuals or institutions with human excrement, exposes their "inherent inertness, corruption and dead-likeness".[54][57][58] The ritual clowns of clown societies, like among the Pueblo Indians, have ceremonies with filth-eating.[59][60] In other cultures, sin-eating is an apotropaic rite in which the sin-eater (also called filth-eater),[61][62] by ingesting the food provided, takes "upon himself the sins of the departed".[63] Satire about death overlaps with black humor and gallows humor.

Another classification by topics is the distinction between political satire, religious satire and satire of manners.[64] Political satire is sometimes called topical satire, satire of manners is sometimes called satire of everyday life, and religious satire is sometimes called philosophical satire. Comedy of manners, sometimes also called satire of manners, criticizes mode of life of common people; political satire aims at behavior, manners of politicians, and vices of political systems. Historically, comedy of manners, which first appeared in British theater in 1620, has uncritically accepted the social code of the upper classes.[65] Comedy in general accepts the rules of the social game, while satire subverts them.[66]

Another analysis of satire is the spectrum of his possible tones: wit, ridicule, irony, sarcasm, cynicism, the sardonic and invective.[67][68]

The type of humour that deals with creating laughter at the expense of the person telling the joke is called reflexive humour[69].Reflexive humour can take place at dual levels of directing humour at self or at the larger community the self identifies with. The audience's understanding of the context of reflexive humour is important for its receptivity and success [69]. Satire is found not only in written literary forms. In preliterate cultures it manifests itself in ritual and folk forms, as well as in trickster tales and oral poetry.[23]

It appears also in graphic arts, music, sculpture, dance, cartoon strips, and graffiti. Examples are Dada sculptures, Pop Art works, music of Gilbert and Sullivan and Erik Satie, punk and rock music.[23] In modern media culture, stand-up comedy is an enclave in which satire can be introduced into mass media, challenging mainstream discourse.[23] Comedy roasts, mock festivals, and stand-up comedians in nightclubs and concerts are the modern forms of ancient satiric rituals.[23]

Development
Ancient Egypt

The satirical papyrus at the British Museum

Satirical ostracon showing a cat guarding geese, c.1120 BC, Egypt.

Figured ostracon showing a cat waiting on a mouse, Egypt
One of the earliest examples of what we might call satire, The Satire of the Trades,[70] is in Egyptian writing from the beginning of the 2nd millennium BC. The text's apparent readers are students, tired of studying. It argues that their lot as scribes is not only useful, but far superior to that of the ordinary man. Scholars such as Helck[71] think that the context was meant to be serious.

The Papyrus Anastasi I[72] (late 2nd millennium BC) contains a satirical letter which first praises the virtues of its recipient, but then mocks the reader's meagre knowledge and achievements.

Ancient Greece
The Greeks had no word for what later would be called "satire", although the terms cynicism and parody were used. Modern critics call the Greek playwright Aristophanes one of the best known early satirists: his plays are known for their critical political and societal commentary,[73] particularly for the political satire by which he criticized the powerful Cleon (as in The Knights). He is also notable for the persecution he underwent.[73][74][75][76] Aristophanes' plays turned upon images of filth and disease.[77] His bawdy style was adopted by Greek dramatist-comedian Menander. His early play Drunkenness contains an attack on the politician Callimedon.

The oldest form of satire still in use is the Menippean satire by Menippus of Gadara. His own writings are lost. Examples from his admirers and imitators mix seriousness and mockery in dialogues and present parodies before a background of diatribe. As in the case of Aristophanes plays, menippean satire turned upon images of filth and disease.[77]

Roman world
The first Roman to discuss satire critically was Quintilian, who invented the term to describe the writings of Gaius Lucilius. The two most prominent and influential ancient Roman satirists are Horace and Juvenal, who wrote during the early days of the Roman Empire. Other important satirists in ancient Latin are Gaius Lucilius and Persius. Satire in their work is much wider than in the modern sense of the word, including fantastic and highly coloured humorous writing with little or no real mocking intent. When Horace criticized Augustus, he used veiled ironic terms. In contrast, Pliny reports that the 6th-century-BC poet Hipponax wrote satirae that were so cruel that the offended hanged themselves.[78]

In the 2nd century AD, Lucian wrote True History, a book satirizing the clearly unrealistic travelogues/adventures written by Ctesias, Iambulus, and Homer. He states that he was surprised they expected people to believe their lies, and stating that he, like them, has no actual knowledge or experience, but shall now tell lies as if he did. He goes on to describe a far more obviously extreme and unrealistic tale, involving interplanetary exploration, war among alien life forms, and life inside a 200 mile long whale back in the terrestrial ocean, all intended to make obvious the fallacies of books like Indica and The Odyssey.

Medieval Islamic world
Main articles: Arabic satire and Persian satire
Medieval Arabic poetry included the satiric genre hija. Satire was introduced into Arabic prose literature by the author Al-Jahiz in the 9th century. While dealing with serious topics in what are now known as anthropology, sociology and psychology, he introduced a satirical approach, "based on the premise that, however serious the subject under review, it could be made more interesting and thus achieve greater effect, if only one leavened the lump of solemnity by the insertion of a few amusing anecdotes or by the throwing out of some witty or paradoxical observations. He was well aware that, in treating of new themes in his prose works, he would have to employ a vocabulary of a nature more familiar in hija, satirical poetry."[79] For example, in one of his zoological works, he satirized the preference for longer human penis size, writing: "If the length of the penis were a sign of honor, then the mule would belong to the (honorable tribe of) Quraysh". Another satirical story based on this preference was an Arabian Nights tale called "Ali with the Large Member".[80]

In the 10th century, the writer Tha'alibi recorded satirical poetry written by the Arabic poets As-Salami and Abu Dulaf, with As-Salami praising Abu Dulaf's wide breadth of knowledge and then mocking his ability in all these subjects, and with Abu Dulaf responding back and satirizing As-Salami in return.[81] An example of Arabic political satire included another 10th-century poet Jarir satirizing Farazdaq as "a transgressor of the Sharia" and later Arabic poets in turn using the term "Farazdaq-like" as a form of political satire.[82]

The terms "comedy" and "satire" became synonymous after Aristotle's Poetics was translated into Arabic in the medieval Islamic world, where it was elaborated upon by Islamic philosophers and writers, such as Abu Bischr, his pupil Al-Farabi, Avicenna, and Averroes. Due to cultural differences, they disassociated comedy from Greek dramatic representation and instead identified it with Arabic poetic themes and forms, such as hija (satirical poetry). They viewed comedy as simply the "art of reprehension", and made no reference to light and cheerful events, or troubled beginnings and happy endings, associated with classical Greek comedy. After the Latin translations of the 12th century, the term "comedy" thus gained a new semantic meaning in Medieval literature.[83]

Ubayd Zakani introduced satire in Persian literature during the 14th century. His work is noted for its satire and obscene verses, often political or bawdy, and often cited in debates involving homosexual practices. He wrote the Resaleh-ye Delgosha, as well as Akhlaq al-Ashraf ("Ethics of the Aristocracy") and the famous humorous fable Masnavi Mush-O-Gorbeh (Mouse and Cat), which was a political satire. His non-satirical serious classical verses have also been regarded as very well written, in league with the other great works of Persian literature. Between 1905 and 1911, Bibi Khatoon Astarabadi and other Iranian writers wrote notable satires.

Medieval Europe
In the Early Middle Ages, examples of satire were the songs by Goliards or vagants now best known as an anthology called Carmina Burana and made famous as texts of a composition by the 20th-century composer Carl Orff. Satirical poetry is believed to have been popular, although little has survived. With the advent of the High Middle Ages and the birth of modern vernacular literature in the 12th century, it began to be used again, most notably by Chaucer. The disrespectful manner was considered "unchristian" and ignored, except for the moral satire, which mocked misbehaviour in Christian terms. Examples are Livre des Manières by Étienne de Fougères [fr] (~1178), and some of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. Sometimes epic poetry (epos) was mocked, and even feudal society, but there was hardly a general interest in the genre.

Early modern western satire

Pieter Bruegel's 1568 satirical painting The Blind Leading the Blind.
Direct social commentary via satire returned with a vengeance in the 16th century, when farcical texts such as the works of François Rabelais tackled more serious issues (and incurred the wrath of the crown as a result).

Two major satirists of Europe in the Renaissance were Giovanni Boccaccio and François Rabelais. Other examples of Renaissance satire include Till Eulenspiegel, Reynard the Fox, Sebastian Brant's Narrenschiff (1494), Erasmus's Moriae Encomium (1509), Thomas More's Utopia (1516), and Carajicomedia (1519).

The Elizabethan (i.e. 16th-century English) writers thought of satire as related to the notoriously rude, coarse and sharp satyr play. Elizabethan "satire" (typically in pamphlet form) therefore contains more straightforward abuse than subtle irony. The French Huguenot Isaac Casaubon pointed out in 1605 that satire in the Roman fashion was something altogether more civilised. Casaubon discovered and published Quintilian's writing and presented the original meaning of the term (satira, not satyr), and the sense of wittiness (reflecting the "dishfull of fruits") became more important again. Seventeenth-century English satire once again aimed at the "amendment of vices" (Dryden).

In the 1590s a new wave of verse satire broke with the publication of Hall's Virgidemiarum, six books of verse satires targeting everything from literary fads to corrupt noblemen. Although Donne had already circulated satires in manuscript, Hall's was the first real attempt in English at verse satire on the Juvenalian model.[84][page needed] The success of his work combined with a national mood of disillusion in the last years of Elizabeth's reign triggered an avalanche of satire—much of it less conscious of classical models than Hall's — until the fashion was brought to an abrupt stop by censorship.[note 1]

Ancient and modern India
Satire (Kataksh or Vyang) has played a prominent role in Indian and Hindi literature, and is counted as one of the "ras" of literature in ancient books.[86] With the commencement of printing of books in local language in the nineteenth century and especially after India's freedom, this grew.[87] Many of the works of Tulsi Das, Kabir, Munshi Premchand,[88][89] village ministrels, Hari katha singers, poets, Dalit singers and current day stand up Indian comedians incorporate satire, usually ridiculing authoritarians, fundamentalists and incompetent people in power.[90][91][92] In India, it has usually been used as a means of expression and an outlet for common people to express their anger against authoritarian entities.[93] A popular custom in Northern India of "Bura na mano Holi hai" continues, in which comedians on the stage roast local people of importance (who are usually brought in as special guests).[94][95][96]

Age of Enlightenment

'A Welch wedding' Satirical Cartoon c.1780
The Age of Enlightenment, an intellectual movement in the 17th and 18th centuries advocating rationality, produced a great revival of satire in Britain. This was fuelled by the rise of partisan politics, with the formalisation of the Tory and Whig parties—and also, in 1714, by the formation of the Scriblerus Club, which included Alexander Pope, Jonathan Swift, John Gay, John Arbuthnot, Robert Harley, Thomas Parnell, and Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke. This club included several of the notable satirists of early-18th-century Britain. They focused their attention on Martinus Scriblerus, "an invented learned fool... whose work they attributed all that was tedious, narrow-minded, and pedantic in contemporary scholarship".[97] In their hands astute and biting satire of institutions and individuals became a popular weapon. The turn to the 18th century was characterized by a switch from Horatian, soft, pseudo-satire, to biting "juvenal" satire.[98]

Jonathan Swift was one of the greatest of Anglo-Irish satirists, and one of the first to practise modern journalistic satire. For instance, In his A Modest Proposal Swift suggests that Irish peasants be encouraged to sell their own children as food for the rich, as a solution to the "problem" of poverty. His purpose is of course to attack indifference to the plight of the desperately poor. In his book Gulliver's Travels he writes about the flaws in human society in general and English society in particular. John Dryden wrote an influential essay entitled "A Discourse Concerning the Original and Progress of Satire"[99] that helped fix the definition of satire in the literary world. His satirical Mac Flecknoe was written in response to a rivalry with Thomas Shadwell and eventually inspired Alexander Pope to write his satirical The Rape of the Lock. Other satirical works by Pope include the Epistle to Dr Arbuthnot.

Alexander Pope (b. May 21, 1688) was a satirist known for his Horatian satirist style and translation of the Iliad. Famous throughout and after the long 18th century, Pope died in 1744.[100] Pope, in his The Rape of the Lock, is delicately chiding society in a sly but polished voice by holding up a mirror to the follies and vanities of the upper class. Pope does not actively attack the self-important pomp of the British aristocracy, but rather presents it in such a way that gives the reader a new perspective from which to easily view the actions in the story as foolish and ridiculous. A mockery of the upper class, more delicate and lyrical than brutal, Pope nonetheless is able to effectively illuminate the moral degradation of society to the public. The Rape of the Lock assimilates the masterful qualities of a heroic epic, such as the Iliad, which Pope was translating at the time of writing The Rape of the Lock. However, Pope applied these qualities satirically to a seemingly petty egotistical elitist quarrel to prove his point wryly.[101]

Just a quick dataviz looking at QBs batted ball rate (batted balls / pass attempts) since 2019 compared to their height. I always just assumed, like some of you may have, that shorter QBs have a higher rate of passes batted down. While we can easily look at Baker Mayfield or Kyler Murray to try and explain this as true, we can also look at Russell Wilson, Tua Tagovailoa and Drew Brees as examples of short QBs with a below average batted ball rate. Top 5 and bottom 5 tables are below the chart.
https://preview.redd.it/qhmz9ipvnwpa1.png?width=877&format=png&auto=webp&s=c3049a02940c3f134e5ead60be3261fb6682cb28

The 5 worst batted ball rates from 2019-2022:

Player	Batted Ball Rate	Height
Baker Mayfield	3.10%	6'1''
Cam Newton	2.92%	6'5''
Kyle Allen	2.82%	6'3''
Jalen Hurts	2.79%	6'1''
Davis Mills	2.75%	6'4''

The 5 best batted ball rates from 2019-2022:

Player	Batted Ball Rate	Height
Tua Tagovailoa	0.83%	6'1''
Drew Brees	0.91%	6'0''
Aaron Rodgers	1.01%	6'2''
Tom Brady	1.08%	6'4''
Drew Lock	1.13%	6'4''

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The 5 worst batted ball rates from 2019-2022:

The 5 best batted ball rates from 2019-2022: