“It’s a hard truth to accept, son… but you need to let her go. You need to understand that your daughter is dead. Gone. Whatever's left… that’s not your little girl. Not anymore.”
Those words broke me, but I needed to hear them.
​
Pastor Sanders put a gentle hand on my shoulder as I bowed my head, feeling the tears come.
“I’m sorry, Father…” I said, expecting him to take his hand away, to chide me for my weakness. But he did no such thing. Ever the gentle shepherd, he comforted me in my moment of need. He was a kind, but stern looking man, with a comforting smile and greying hair.
​
“It is natural to mourn the death of your own child,” He said. “That’s what any good father would do.”
“I tried… I tried to raise her right… tried to take care of her.”
​
“You did your best, my son,” Pastor Sanders assured me, “That is all that a man can do. But Satan is relentless. He is devious. He never comes with horns and a pitchfork. He chooses a more innocent form. He comes bearing what seems like wisdom, he comes in the form of a teacher, a friend, a mentor. Your daughter is not the first child whos life he has slithered his way into… and until the day where he is vanquished along with all the demons of hell, she will not be the last. Children are among Satan’s favorite targets. He seeks to indoctrinate them for his glory, he corrupts them and destroys them. I know what it is like as a parent to watch as he takes the child you raised and leaves something evil in its place. Not knowing or understanding what is happening. It’s a horrifying experience.”
​
“It happened to you too?” I asked.
Pastor Sanders nodded solemnly.
“It did. The pain you’re experiencing right now, I know it all too well. I lost my son about two years ago. He… he used to be a good boy. A proud boy. Then he met some girl…” His voice lowered into a hiss of disgust, “She lured him away from God. Turned him into something he wasn’t. She took him away from me.”
​
“How did you get him back?” I asked.
“I didn’t,” Pastor Sanders replied. “There comes a certain point where they are too far gone to save. When your child has forsaken God completely, there is no returning from that. There is no life without God, there is only despair and the only salvation that can be offered to them is to prevent them from comitting any further attrocities before God.”
​
My heart seized up in my chest.
“Father…?” I asked.
He had a far away look in his eye.
“I brought that boy into this world… I took him out. It was the only way I could save him. The only thing I could do to spare him from eternal Hellfire. I sent his soul to God, and through God I hope he may be purified.”
​
I was silent, unsure what to say to that. It almost sounded as if the Pastor was talking complete madness. He looked back at me, studying my expression for a moment before smiling at me.
“You’re wondering how I could do it, aren’t you?” He asked.
“Your own son, Father?
“Yes, my own son. It was necessary, to save his soul… and if you want to save your daughter…”
“No!” I said, standing up suddenly, “No! No, I couldn’t!”
​
He remained seated in the pew of the empty church, looking up at me.
“Then your daughter will be condemned to Hell.”
“There must be some way to save her!” I said.
“If there were, I would share it with you. You know that I would. But there is nothing. Nothing more that I have to offer you, here. The only path forward is to deny the Devil his soul.”
“Please, Father… please, I can’t…”
​
He finally stood up, turning to leave me.
“Father…?” I asked, as he stepped out from between the pews. He sighed before looking back at me. He paused, studying me for a moment before speaking again.
“As I said before, your daughter is already dead. My son was too. Whatever remains isn’t really them. Not anymore. You won’t get her back. All you can do is set her free. In the eyes of our children, we are their greatest heroes, Bill. And the task of a hero isn’t always an easy one. It never has been, even in the oldest myths. Think of Perseus… that’s a name you probably know, isn’t it?”
​
I nodded. The Greek hero who’d slain Medusa.
“Perseus ventured into the lair of the Gorgon, Medusa as an act of penance. When the King, his stepfather had invited him to a banquet, Perseus had no horse to offer him as a gift. So he asked the King to name his price. He requested the head of Medusa… and so Peresus sought it and when he returned, he earned his redemption. See yourself in Perseus, Bill. Do what needs to be done.”
​
With that, he left me there, broken in the pews and struggling with the truth he had bestowed upon me.
​
I already knew what needed to be done. And I knew that I had no choice but to do it.
​
Pastor Sanders was a stern teacher… but there was always purpose in his lessons. He was a man who spoke only truth, I knew this. It was why others feared him, ostracized him, persecuted him, and those who followed him. He had come to me at my lowest point about a year ago and I had given everything to follow him. My home was his home. My wealth was his wealth. People said I was a fool for what I did, but I knew that when the time came, they would wish that they had made the choices that I had made. I knew that the Lord would reward me for my loyalty to Pastor Sanders and to Him, for my faith in the Lord could not steer me wrong.
​
That said - I will admit that what Pastor Sanders told me tested my faith in him a little. But only a little. I knew in my heart that he was right. My daughter was dead. All I could do was deny whatever was left of her the chance to sin again, and perhaps free her soul. Maybe then, I might see her again in heaven. Maybe…
​
I would see her in heaven.
​
I would see her again and I would have my little girl back and that would be my reward! God willed it! God would make it so!
​
I knew what I had to do… and by God, I would do it. Like Perseus I would hunt the demon who had taken my daughter from me and I would destroy it, and grant her salvation!
​
Hallelujah.
​
***
​
I knew that I’d raised my little girl better than this. I knew that I’d raised her right. That I’d raised her to be honest, faithful, pure.
​
But the girl I saw walking down the street looked like none of those things. My daughter had natural hair, she didn’t dye it! She didn’t put on makeup like some whore, she didn’t dress like a whore! But the girl I saw walking down the street wore short shorts, had dyed blue hair, she had tattoos, good Lord! I almost didn’t recognize her as my own flesh and blood, and were it not for her aryan features I might not have recognized her at all.
​
I’d known that she had been sick… that she had been twisted. But I hadn’t realized just how bad it had gotten. I should never have let her leave home… I should never have let her leave me four years ago. But she’d begged and pleaded with me to let her go to college. She’d said that getting an education would be good for her. But I’d said no. I’d said that she didn’t need to waste her time on such things! A woman has no business slaving away for a wage. That’s a man’s job. That’s a man’s duty. But she’d begged and begged… and in the end I’d given in. I thought that maybe if she saw the depravity of the world for herself, she’d understand why I was so against her leaving. She’d understand why I didn’t want my precious flower to be poisoned by the sickness that has infected this world!
​
Clearly, I was wrong.
​
Once my daughter was gone, she never came back. I was sure she’d come home when I refused to continue to pay for her indoctrination at some college, but she persisted. She stayed in the city, put herself in debt to pay her way through school and started living with some other whore, who she paid rent with.
​
When I demanded that she return to me, she refused. She said that she wouldn’t go back under my roof! Even when I drove into that city to drag her out, to bring her home by force she locked herself in an apartment and had her ‘friends’ stand guard out front, telling me that she refused to see me.
​
I would have pushed past them, but they fought me tooth and nail. One of them, a particularly tall and somewhat lanky girl that she lived with. This girl I remembered most prominently. She’d had sharp, roman features, intense eyes and a large beanie that she wore on her head that made her look like some stoner, hippie freak. I swore that I even saw dreadlocks under there. She had been the strongest of them, to an almost impressive extent. She’d kept me from even making it into her apartment.
​
I’d sworn to her that I’d be back, but she hadn’t bothered indulging me with a reply. And when I had honored my word and returned with my brother and some of his friends, we found that someone else had taken over that apartment. My daughter and her whore friends had fled from us… and we weren’t able to find out where they went.
​
For years, I had not heard a single word from my daughter… and I missed her every day, or at least I suppose I missed the girl she had been, once upon a time. When I had tried reaching out to her, she had ignored me. I even tried getting in touch with some of her friends, but they refused to talk to her on my behalf.
​
This was not the girl I’d raised! The girl I’d raised would have honored her father, she would have known she owed me her respect and her obedience, she would never have treated me with such contempt!
​
No… this was nothing like the girl that I’d raised! This was something else although just what, I did not know. Pastor Sanders had said that only an actual demon could change someone so drastically, and I wondered if perhaps he was right.
​
I’d tried hiring a lawyer to look into some legal avenue I could pursue to have her brought back to me, and when that proved fruitless I tried to sue the college, for indoctrinating my daughter and taking her away from me, but that didn’t get me anywhere either.
​
My options dwindled away into nothing… and as much as I hadn’t wanted to accept Pastor Sanders truth, it was the only thing that I had left to cling to. Finding my daughter again after all these years was no easy feat… but I was patient and God was on my side.
​
She didn’t even notice me as she’d walked past my parked car that evening, but I saw her in all of her depravity. I saw the way she held hands with that tall girl I had seen before… the one who wore that disgusting beanie on her head. I watched as they chatted among each other, I observed the way they lingered so close to one another and I knew that they were more than just friends.
​
The sight of my daughter in some girls arms sickened me… my daughter, corrupted by this vile woman. The way that the woman in the beanie kissed my daughters cheek confirmed it. And as I watched them, I made the silent decision to kill her first… to teach my arrogant, faithless daughter… or whatever was left of her a lesson. To remind her that there was no place on this earth where she was safe from God!
​
The gun sat in my glovebox, it was loaded and ready. I watched as my daughter and her lover entered an apartment building. I already knew what floor they were going to, and I already knew which apartment.
​
Finding them had not been easy, but as I said I was persistent and blessed by God on my holy mission. The strength of Pastor Sanders kept me going and my faith was ironclad.
​
The sky was growing dark. After a few moments, I left my car and made my move. The gun rested heavy in my hand. It may not have been the most divine weapon, but it would do the job.
​
Floor 7, apartment 721.
​
That was my destination.
​
Like Perseus into the lair of Medusa, I stood stalwart and strong. I stepped out of the elevator and into the hall, feeling my heart race with every step. The voice of Satan whispered in my ear, begging me not to slaughter my own child. But I needed to do it. Killing her was the only way she could attain salvation! It was the only way she could return to God’s light!
​
My heart raced as I pounded on the door.
‘The task of a hero isn’t always an easy one.’
I was a hero, wasn’t I? I would be her hero!
​
I could hear footsteps approaching the door. I recognized them.
​
My daughter was close. My daughter was coming.
​
I would save her.
​
I exhaled, and when the door open I moved, forcing it open. I saw the wide, terrified eyes of my little girl as I closed my hand around her throat and pinned her against the wall. She tried to scream, but I forced her not to, pressing the gun into her stomach.
“Not a word…” I growled.
​
Her big blue eyes were fixated on me, wide and full of tears. For a moment, I remembered the child I’d used to know… the child I’d used to love.
​
I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do this…
​
I needed to. FOR HER SALVATION!
​
Grabbing my daughter, I dragged her deeper into the apartment. I didn’t see any trace of her girlfriend but I could hear a bath running in the next room. I tossed my daughter into the living room, sending her crashing to the ground and keeping the gun aimed at her. She didn’t utter a sound, she just stared at me, knowing what I was going to do.
​
“Wait…” She said, her voice trembling as she raised a hand to me, “D-Daddy wait…”
I didn’t answer her.
​
I heard the bathroom door open. Her girlfriend had likely heard the commotion and come to investigate.
“You will watch this…” I said to her, before turning to send the whore who had corrupted my daughter straight to hell.
​
No sooner had I turned around, did I see her emerging from the bedroom, dressed only in a bathrobe, with a towel wrapped around her head. She seemed to tower over me, and she fixed me in that intense stare of hers, recognizing me and immediately realizing what this was. I aimed the gun at her and watched her freeze.
​
“You took my girl away from me…” I hissed, “You took her from me…”
My finger pressed down on the trigger. There was no hesitation here. Only rage, pure and unfettered.
​
I would shoot this woman dead without batting an eye.
​
It would be easy.
​
And yet while the gun went off, the bullet missed.
​
I felt my daughters weight slamming into me, trying to stop me from killing the whore who had corrupted her. I heard her screaming at me, begging me not to. I threw her off of me. She was always a petite girl. She couldn’t stop me for long. I tried to aim the gun at the girlfriend again, but she had taken full opportunity of the distraction that my daughter had produced to close the distance between us. She grabbed me by the wrist with an iron grip, and kept me from aiming the gun at her.
“NO!” I spat, “DIE, YOU WHORE! DIE!”
​
With my free hand, I clawed at her face. I tore the towel off of her head and then…
Then…
​
Then I saw what lay beneath it… and my heart froze in my chest.
​
My daughter's girlfriend seemed surprised for a moment, but not for long. The things on her head on the other hand, seemed almost relieved to be free. They writhed and twisted on her scalp, hissing at me as they fixed me in their burning yellow eyes. They bore their fangs at me, rearing back to strike, but didn’t.
​
I stared into the eyes of Medusa. Beautiful, yet hideous with tangled emerald serpents for hair… and she looked back at me with a cold disgust that flayed me down to my very soul. Perseus would have stood brave! Perseus would have fought! I needed to fight too!
​
I struck her again, screaming in both terror and rage. She tried to stop me, but she wasn’t fast enough. I’d hit her across the head once, and was swinging my fist at her again when she caught it. One of the emerald snakes upon her head struck at me, biting my hand. Its bite left a searing pain behind.
​
I screamed as the Medusa pushed me off of her, sending me crashing to the ground. The gun slipped from my grasp as I gripped my burning hand. Its fingers clenched into a fist, but would not unclench.
No… no! I would not succumb to whatever this was! I would not succumb to the Gorgon’s poison!
​
“Gabrielle!” My daughter called, rushing to her side. She ran into the embrace of the Gorgon, before looking down at me. Her eyes settled on the bite in my hand, and a solemn look crossed her face.
“Don’t look, May…” The Gorgon said softly, and my daughter turned her head from me.
​
I tried to stand, but my body was already starting to burn. My muscles felt stiff and moving felt harder and harder… but my skin still looked like skin… it didn’t look like stone! I collapsed, gasping for breath as I did. Watching my skin, I could see something beneath it shifting. It could see my skin begin to bulge and deform. I could see new bone growth appearing in those deformities. My body was burning, growing, changing, coming apart.
​
I tried to reach for the gun, but my arms would not move anymore.
This shouldn’t be happening!
This shouldn’t be possible, God was supposed to be on my side! I shouldn’t be falling to one of Satan’s monsters! I shouldn’t be dying at the hands of the demon that held my daughter!
​
I looked up at them one last time. The Gorgon held my daughter close, comforting her as my body turned against me. Every movement caused fresh new pain to erupt through me. Breathing became impossible, as my lungs and throat became solid.
​
I lay on the ground, gasping for breath until no more breath came and then, when there was nothing left I only watched as the Gorgon gently took my daughter into the next room so she wouldn’t have to watch me die.
​
The room was empty when I finally slipped away into darkness… and when I did, I knew that God would not be waiting for me.

“It’s a hard truth to accept, son… but you need to let her go. You need to understand that your daughter is dead. Gone. Whatever's left… that’s not your little girl. Not anymore.”
Those words broke me, but I needed to hear them.
​
Pastor Sanders put a gentle hand on my shoulder as I bowed my head, feeling the tears come.
“I’m sorry, Father…” I said, expecting him to take his hand away, to chide me for my weakness. But he did no such thing. Ever the gentle shepherd, he comforted me in my moment of need. He was a kind, but stern looking man, with a comforting smile and greying hair.
​
“It is natural to mourn the death of your own child,” He said. “That’s what any good father would do.”
“I tried… I tried to raise her right… tried to take care of her.”
​
“You did your best, my son,” Pastor Sanders assured me, “That is all that a man can do. But Satan is relentless. He is devious. He never comes with horns and a pitchfork. He chooses a more innocent form. He comes bearing what seems like wisdom, he comes in the form of a teacher, a friend, a mentor. Your daughter is not the first child whos life he has slithered his way into… and until the day where he is vanquished along with all the demons of hell, she will not be the last. Children are among Satan’s favorite targets. He seeks to indoctrinate them for his glory, he corrupts them and destroys them. I know what it is like as a parent to watch as he takes the child you raised and leaves something evil in its place. Not knowing or understanding what is happening. It’s a horrifying experience.”
​
“It happened to you too?” I asked.
Pastor Sanders nodded solemnly.
“It did. The pain you’re experiencing right now, I know it all too well. I lost my son about two years ago. He… he used to be a good boy. A proud boy. Then he met some girl…” His voice lowered into a hiss of disgust, “She lured him away from God. Turned him into something he wasn’t. She took him away from me.”
​
“How did you get him back?” I asked.
“I didn’t,” Pastor Sanders replied. “There comes a certain point where they are too far gone to save. When your child has forsaken God completely, there is no returning from that. There is no life without God, there is only despair and the only salvation that can be offered to them is to prevent them from comitting any further attrocities before God.”
​
My heart seized up in my chest.
“Father…?” I asked.
He had a far away look in his eye.
“I brought that boy into this world… I took him out. It was the only way I could save him. The only thing I could do to spare him from eternal Hellfire. I sent his soul to God, and through God I hope he may be purified.”
​
I was silent, unsure what to say to that. It almost sounded as if the Pastor was talking complete madness. He looked back at me, studying my expression for a moment before smiling at me.
“You’re wondering how I could do it, aren’t you?” He asked.
“Your own son, Father?
“Yes, my own son. It was necessary, to save his soul… and if you want to save your daughter…”
“No!” I said, standing up suddenly, “No! No, I couldn’t!”
​
He remained seated in the pew of the empty church, looking up at me.
“Then your daughter will be condemned to Hell.”
“There must be some way to save her!” I said.
“If there were, I would share it with you. You know that I would. But there is nothing. Nothing more that I have to offer you, here. The only path forward is to deny the Devil his soul.”
“Please, Father… please, I can’t…”
​
He finally stood up, turning to leave me.
“Father…?” I asked, as he stepped out from between the pews. He sighed before looking back at me. He paused, studying me for a moment before speaking again.
“As I said before, your daughter is already dead. My son was too. Whatever remains isn’t really them. Not anymore. You won’t get her back. All you can do is set her free. In the eyes of our children, we are their greatest heroes, Bill. And the task of a hero isn’t always an easy one. It never has been, even in the oldest myths. Think of Perseus… that’s a name you probably know, isn’t it?”
​
I nodded. The Greek hero who’d slain Medusa.
“Perseus ventured into the lair of the Gorgon, Medusa as an act of penance. When the King, his stepfather had invited him to a banquet, Perseus had no horse to offer him as a gift. So he asked the King to name his price. He requested the head of Medusa… and so Peresus sought it and when he returned, he earned his redemption. See yourself in Perseus, Bill. Do what needs to be done.”
​
With that, he left me there, broken in the pews and struggling with the truth he had bestowed upon me.
​
I already knew what needed to be done. And I knew that I had no choice but to do it.
​
Pastor Sanders was a stern teacher… but there was always purpose in his lessons. He was a man who spoke only truth, I knew this. It was why others feared him, ostracized him, persecuted him, and those who followed him. He had come to me at my lowest point about a year ago and I had given everything to follow him. My home was his home. My wealth was his wealth. People said I was a fool for what I did, but I knew that when the time came, they would wish that they had made the choices that I had made. I knew that the Lord would reward me for my loyalty to Pastor Sanders and to Him, for my faith in the Lord could not steer me wrong.
​
That said - I will admit that what Pastor Sanders told me tested my faith in him a little. But only a little. I knew in my heart that he was right. My daughter was dead. All I could do was deny whatever was left of her the chance to sin again, and perhaps free her soul. Maybe then, I might see her again in heaven. Maybe…
​
I would see her in heaven.
​
I would see her again and I would have my little girl back and that would be my reward! God willed it! God would make it so!
​
I knew what I had to do… and by God, I would do it. Like Perseus I would hunt the demon who had taken my daughter from me and I would destroy it, and grant her salvation!
​
Hallelujah.
​
***
​
I knew that I’d raised my little girl better than this. I knew that I’d raised her right. That I’d raised her to be honest, faithful, pure.
​
But the girl I saw walking down the street looked like none of those things. My daughter had natural hair, she didn’t dye it! She didn’t put on makeup like some whore, she didn’t dress like a whore! But the girl I saw walking down the street wore short shorts, had dyed blue hair, she had tattoos, good Lord! I almost didn’t recognize her as my own flesh and blood, and were it not for her aryan features I might not have recognized her at all.
​
I’d known that she had been sick… that she had been twisted. But I hadn’t realized just how bad it had gotten. I should never have let her leave home… I should never have let her leave me four years ago. But she’d begged and pleaded with me to let her go to college. She’d said that getting an education would be good for her. But I’d said no. I’d said that she didn’t need to waste her time on such things! A woman has no business slaving away for a wage. That’s a man’s job. That’s a man’s duty. But she’d begged and begged… and in the end I’d given in. I thought that maybe if she saw the depravity of the world for herself, she’d understand why I was so against her leaving. She’d understand why I didn’t want my precious flower to be poisoned by the sickness that has infected this world!
​
Clearly, I was wrong.
​
Once my daughter was gone, she never came back. I was sure she’d come home when I refused to continue to pay for her indoctrination at some college, but she persisted. She stayed in the city, put herself in debt to pay her way through school and started living with some other whore, who she paid rent with.
​
When I demanded that she return to me, she refused. She said that she wouldn’t go back under my roof! Even when I drove into that city to drag her out, to bring her home by force she locked herself in an apartment and had her ‘friends’ stand guard out front, telling me that she refused to see me.
​
I would have pushed past them, but they fought me tooth and nail. One of them, a particularly tall and somewhat lanky girl that she lived with. This girl I remembered most prominently. She’d had sharp, roman features, intense eyes and a large beanie that she wore on her head that made her look like some stoner, hippie freak. I swore that I even saw dreadlocks under there. She had been the strongest of them, to an almost impressive extent. She’d kept me from even making it into her apartment.
​
I’d sworn to her that I’d be back, but she hadn’t bothered indulging me with a reply. And when I had honored my word and returned with my brother and some of his friends, we found that someone else had taken over that apartment. My daughter and her whore friends had fled from us… and we weren’t able to find out where they went.
​
For years, I had not heard a single word from my daughter… and I missed her every day, or at least I suppose I missed the girl she had been, once upon a time. When I had tried reaching out to her, she had ignored me. I even tried getting in touch with some of her friends, but they refused to talk to her on my behalf.
​
This was not the girl I’d raised! The girl I’d raised would have honored her father, she would have known she owed me her respect and her obedience, she would never have treated me with such contempt!
​
No… this was nothing like the girl that I’d raised! This was something else although just what, I did not know. Pastor Sanders had said that only an actual demon could change someone so drastically, and I wondered if perhaps he was right.
​
I’d tried hiring a lawyer to look into some legal avenue I could pursue to have her brought back to me, and when that proved fruitless I tried to sue the college, for indoctrinating my daughter and taking her away from me, but that didn’t get me anywhere either.
​
My options dwindled away into nothing… and as much as I hadn’t wanted to accept Pastor Sanders truth, it was the only thing that I had left to cling to. Finding my daughter again after all these years was no easy feat… but I was patient and God was on my side.
​
She didn’t even notice me as she’d walked past my parked car that evening, but I saw her in all of her depravity. I saw the way she held hands with that tall girl I had seen before… the one who wore that disgusting beanie on her head. I watched as they chatted among each other, I observed the way they lingered so close to one another and I knew that they were more than just friends.
​
The sight of my daughter in some girls arms sickened me… my daughter, corrupted by this vile woman. The way that the woman in the beanie kissed my daughters cheek confirmed it. And as I watched them, I made the silent decision to kill her first… to teach my arrogant, faithless daughter… or whatever was left of her a lesson. To remind her that there was no place on this earth where she was safe from God!
​
The gun sat in my glovebox, it was loaded and ready. I watched as my daughter and her lover entered an apartment building. I already knew what floor they were going to, and I already knew which apartment.
​
Finding them had not been easy, but as I said I was persistent and blessed by God on my holy mission. The strength of Pastor Sanders kept me going and my faith was ironclad.
​
The sky was growing dark. After a few moments, I left my car and made my move. The gun rested heavy in my hand. It may not have been the most divine weapon, but it would do the job.
​
Floor 7, apartment 721.
​
That was my destination.
​
Like Perseus into the lair of Medusa, I stood stalwart and strong. I stepped out of the elevator and into the hall, feeling my heart race with every step. The voice of Satan whispered in my ear, begging me not to slaughter my own child. But I needed to do it. Killing her was the only way she could attain salvation! It was the only way she could return to God’s light!
​
My heart raced as I pounded on the door.
‘The task of a hero isn’t always an easy one.’
I was a hero, wasn’t I? I would be her hero!
​
I could hear footsteps approaching the door. I recognized them.
​
My daughter was close. My daughter was coming.
​
I would save her.
​
I exhaled, and when the door open I moved, forcing it open. I saw the wide, terrified eyes of my little girl as I closed my hand around her throat and pinned her against the wall. She tried to scream, but I forced her not to, pressing the gun into her stomach.
“Not a word…” I growled.
​
Her big blue eyes were fixated on me, wide and full of tears. For a moment, I remembered the child I’d used to know… the child I’d used to love.
​
I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do this…
​
I needed to. FOR HER SALVATION!
​
Grabbing my daughter, I dragged her deeper into the apartment. I didn’t see any trace of her girlfriend but I could hear a bath running in the next room. I tossed my daughter into the living room, sending her crashing to the ground and keeping the gun aimed at her. She didn’t utter a sound, she just stared at me, knowing what I was going to do.
​
“Wait…” She said, her voice trembling as she raised a hand to me, “D-Daddy wait…”
I didn’t answer her.
​
I heard the bathroom door open. Her girlfriend had likely heard the commotion and come to investigate.
“You will watch this…” I said to her, before turning to send the whore who had corrupted my daughter straight to hell.
​
No sooner had I turned around, did I see her emerging from the bedroom, dressed only in a bathrobe, with a towel wrapped around her head. She seemed to tower over me, and she fixed me in that intense stare of hers, recognizing me and immediately realizing what this was. I aimed the gun at her and watched her freeze.
​
“You took my girl away from me…” I hissed, “You took her from me…”
My finger pressed down on the trigger. There was no hesitation here. Only rage, pure and unfettered.
​
I would shoot this woman dead without batting an eye.
​
It would be easy.
​
And yet while the gun went off, the bullet missed.
​
I felt my daughters weight slamming into me, trying to stop me from killing the whore who had corrupted her. I heard her screaming at me, begging me not to. I threw her off of me. She was always a petite girl. She couldn’t stop me for long. I tried to aim the gun at the girlfriend again, but she had taken full opportunity of the distraction that my daughter had produced to close the distance between us. She grabbed me by the wrist with an iron grip, and kept me from aiming the gun at her.
“NO!” I spat, “DIE, YOU WHORE! DIE!”
​
With my free hand, I clawed at her face. I tore the towel off of her head and then…
Then…
​
Then I saw what lay beneath it… and my heart froze in my chest.
​
My daughter's girlfriend seemed surprised for a moment, but not for long. The things on her head on the other hand, seemed almost relieved to be free. They writhed and twisted on her scalp, hissing at me as they fixed me in their burning yellow eyes. They bore their fangs at me, rearing back to strike, but didn’t.
​
I stared into the eyes of Medusa. Beautiful, yet hideous with tangled emerald serpents for hair… and she looked back at me with a cold disgust that flayed me down to my very soul. Perseus would have stood brave! Perseus would have fought! I needed to fight too!
​
I struck her again, screaming in both terror and rage. She tried to stop me, but she wasn’t fast enough. I’d hit her across the head once, and was swinging my fist at her again when she caught it. One of the emerald snakes upon her head struck at me, biting my hand. Its bite left a searing pain behind.
​
I screamed as the Medusa pushed me off of her, sending me crashing to the ground. The gun slipped from my grasp as I gripped my burning hand. Its fingers clenched into a fist, but would not unclench.
No… no! I would not succumb to whatever this was! I would not succumb to the Gorgon’s poison!
​
“Gabrielle!” My daughter called, rushing to her side. She ran into the embrace of the Gorgon, before looking down at me. Her eyes settled on the bite in my hand, and a solemn look crossed her face.
“Don’t look, May…” The Gorgon said softly, and my daughter turned her head from me.
​
I tried to stand, but my body was already starting to burn. My muscles felt stiff and moving felt harder and harder… but my skin still looked like skin… it didn’t look like stone! I collapsed, gasping for breath as I did. Watching my skin, I could see something beneath it shifting. It could see my skin begin to bulge and deform. I could see new bone growth appearing in those deformities. My body was burning, growing, changing, coming apart.
​
I tried to reach for the gun, but my arms would not move anymore.
This shouldn’t be happening!
This shouldn’t be possible, God was supposed to be on my side! I shouldn’t be falling to one of Satan’s monsters! I shouldn’t be dying at the hands of the demon that held my daughter!
​
I looked up at them one last time. The Gorgon held my daughter close, comforting her as my body turned against me. Every movement caused fresh new pain to erupt through me. Breathing became impossible, as my lungs and throat became solid.
​
I lay on the ground, gasping for breath until no more breath came and then, when there was nothing left I only watched as the Gorgon gently took my daughter into the next room so she wouldn’t have to watch me die.
​
The room was empty when I finally slipped away into darkness… and when I did, I knew that God would not be waiting for me.

Got back on OkCupid Fall 2020 focusing more on finding a girlfriend as I dipped my toe back into polyamory. She messaged me after we matched. Stated she read my profile, liked that I was so detailed open and honest and wanted what I wanted. That was the first lie.
She is married to a man, bicurious and wanted to use me to figure out if she was bisexual. We talked on the phone. She brought her husband into the conversation and had him fuck her and wanted me to masturbate and hear my moans as well. It was very hot. We made plans for a first date. Husband was to come along as the DD. I had to cancel the first date due to cellulitis that led to hospitalization with sepsis.
She thought I was lying and super flaky since we had all been flirting and I was playing dress up and sending pictures as I was feeling frisky prior to feeling so horrible. A week later we finally went on the date. He was at the table with us. That was weird. What kind of DD joins us on a date?
We finally leave. And he drives passed my apartment to give her and I more time together. She took initiative and was very dominant with me. It was hot and steamy. She ripped my fishnets. Even had him taste me off of her hand while he was driving thinking I didn't notice. Her nails hurt but I was also too turned on to ruin the moment after the first warning that it was intense.
My lease was ending and I moved back into my parents home living alone. He helped me pack and move as he is the stay at home parent and she is the breadwinner. A decision they made together. Things got hot and steamy between him and I and we clicked better than her and I and faster either just due to personalities or also because he made more effort than she did. She didn't like that. Wanted to control how often we interacted and met and how quick we fell for each other.
There were rules they made before this journey that I or whoever she tried to date deserved to be aware of so they could nope out or enthusiastically consent. He wanted to stay monogamous. She was the one pushing for polyamory stating they had done their research, a lot of communication and their foundation was solid.
Rules were to use barriers at all times. No room for mistakes or errors. Was never allowed to meet their kids, never allowed to know where they live/never step foot in their house. I was unaware of any of this. During the move he needed to swing by their house for something and I needed to pee really bad. He allowed me inside to pee. That was it. I met their dog.
Everytime she said she had taken off work so we could spend time together she then put herself back in the schedule first thing the following day to cut our date short because she realized she didn't like seeing him and I catch feels for each other. And decided he was trying to steal me away from her even though she could have said no and not allowed him on the phone or dates.
Second date we went to a hotel. We got coffee, food and booze. Went back to the hotel. Apparently I traumatized her by not giving any direction on her oral skills on me and not vocally enjoying myself. I was bad my first time going down on a woman as well and knew I was willing to keep working at it and provide feedback the next time. Plus I'm a lightweight and was drunk and nervous. She didn't communicate this with me but did with him. She then had to go to bed early because she had to go into work the next day. Him and I were allowed to stay up and have fun so we did. When we realized we were keeping her awake in the bed and she didn't want that we moved to the couch. Apparently what she wanted and didn't tell either of us was for us to either go to bed too or to just talk and maybe watch TV or whatever. I also told her that night now that I knew about the barrier rule we could reinforce it and that I was sorry it was broken. She kept insisting it wasn't a big deal and a moot point now when what she actually wanted was for us to reinstate it. She blamed him for all these boundaries/rules I knew nothing about but said she was cool with me hanging out at their place too as long as the kids weren't home. We all explored kink together and did some hot photoshoots. Legit thought she was okay with everything and still interested in me.
First fight was 4 months in which she blamed him again for broken boundaries said he stole me from her and referred to me as his girlfriend stating it was wrong to put her in a chair like the Spanish Inquisition when the chair separate from the couch was actually for him. Stated she realized early on polyamory wasn't for her and that she didn't wanted to be the one to break us up and feel guilty when he was hurting because of it so she was trying to learn more and deal with it all on her own basically since the second date. There was a lot of yelling and crying. We both (boyfriend/her husband) even stated though it would hurt we would break up to protect their marriage and family and go back to strangers. Said she didn't want that.
We all went and grabbed some good. Came back and ate. She stated she wanted more of a friends with benefits situation. I asked her what she meant by that and she basically described a girlfriend without title of girlfriend. I stated that if she really meant that we could make it work. She didn't mean it. Just said it to keep the peace after we were all so raw.
I became closer to their 3 kids. I was in the room where it happened when she begged him to come in her and begged for him to as well twice. This is when they conceived their 4th child. She's a pharmacist. Bought 2 plan b's. Didn't take them. When I told boyfriend I thought she did that to be manipulative so boyfriend and I would have to backburner our relationship (after reading articles about poly couples ending relationships no matter how established for the pregnancy) she finally spoke with me stating she's bad at communicating (watched her communicate just fine with everyone but me) and that she didn't take the plan b because she has always been regular since 8 years old plus or minus a day or two so thought there was no way she had ovulated.
Relationship wasn't paused. I helped with the kids including taking them to and from her mother-in-laws and taking her oldest to things she couldn't make due to work and one vehicle. Took daughteoldest to mall and five below for her birthday. Helped with baby once she was born and checking in to make sure meta/mama was okay and if she needed anything. Didn't know gender of baby until born as meta hoped that would guarantee it was a girl like their first. Plus boyfriend has a dream about a little girl named lily. The first name I ever chose for a little girl was Lily Marie. He told us both about the dream but supposedly didn't tell her that was a name I had picked out if I ever had a little girl. They decided on Lillianne for the first name and a name she had picked out for a long time if they ever had another girl as the middle name. Felt like that was definitely a fuck you to me.
Love that little girl like my own. I would die for any of them babies. Inflation became hard with a 1 check household living on my own this time in an apartment as parents sold house I was living in.
Parents offered to let me move in with them in a different state until I can get on my feet. She recently quit breastfeeding/pumping and libido came back. I moved while they were on vacation/long overdue (8 years) honeymoon in Vegas that she apparently asked him not to go on with her so she could have fun/spend money. They went into debt for that trip. I came back a week later for the rest of my stuff and have been in Florida with parents since over 8 to 9 hours away. She immediately went on a girl's trip with her friends that had supposedly been planned for awhile and went into even more debt. Around/after Vegas trip she was online domming dudes again and had created a new ok cupid account while withdrawing from her husband(my boyfriend) bragging about helping dudes through school by sending titty shots for getting As. Boyfriend wasn't upset about that or even that she hadn't told him she was doing or planning on doing those things as they had previously discussed and agreed to. He was upset that when she got home at 2 or 3 am from work and he had stayed up or got up to be more present with her and get more intimate time that she was messaging these dudes in the car for while before coming in and then withdrawing from him and ignoring him. She blamed me apparently for that and he said she didn't really have that excuse since I was living in a different state and she had said she didn't want me to move. She also apparently tried to tell him I didn't love him enough or I would have tried harder to stay in the same city because of all the supposedly cheap places she was able to find rent wise.
He did get better at being a hinge and not telling me what she thought of or said about me beyond when I was in my head that things were on the up and up and she was feeling better about me, at her request to quit divulging this Information.
Me moving in was not an option for her due to a traumatic experience with a roommate/friend of theirs in the past who became jobless and disabled 2 weeks after moving in with them and had stuffed a ton of empty amazon packages with trash and made his room one bug trash can that attracted all sorts of critters.
He had a mental crisis because she wasn't listening or understanding what he was trying to have a conversation about and him getting all giddy about a new project turned into her berating him and calling him a good for nothing piece of shit. She called the police on him supposedly for a welfare check. He has a big issue with the police as she knows and that is the ultimate betrayal to him.
When she came home to get clothes for the kids and left their car running he took off in it. She called me while I was out with my parents to ask if I still had the ability to locate him. I said I no longer did. She asked if I knew what was going on. I said I only knew a snippet but not much. She said they were done that she and the kids were never going back to that house.
They finally seemed to work things out. Had make up sex. One of their kids was sick so she left to take medicine to them at 4:30 am. He fell asleep. Woke up to an alert on his phone for their security cameras. There was some dude in all black snooping around their back yard. He ran out with a knife threatening he had a gun. I was apparently the mental health police unit and looked like SWAT. He apologized and said nothing was amiss lied that the wife had been cheating on him and they left. They came back that evening or the following day to serve a mental inquest warrant. These events were 2 days after she supposedly called for the welfare check.
She finally gave him an ultimatum me or her and to return back to monogamy. Him and I mutually decided their marriage, kids and family were more important than him and I and that I knew if I didn't encourage this she would make sure everyone knew/thought I was a homewrecker. Only his family knew about me as he was proud of me. She said even if we stayed together or she found someone else her family would never know about me or their polyamory because they're super religious and her mama is too old to bring that information to light.
She has still been talking to her dudes. The one text she used to prove none of those interactions never got physical had a text about needing a ride again from the one dude because apparently one of the days she ubered to work so he could pick up the kids from school the guy gave her a ride home from work. The money she makes and the distance she lives from work she could have taken an uber or lyft back home or called him to come pick her up which he has done countless times before.
Now the house she was going to move her and the kids in without him she has shown him. They're going to sell their 2 homes. The family home is paid for as his dad gave it to him. Her mom bought the house across the street and cosigned with just her after she decided she no longer thought her son-in-law was good enough for her only child and wanted her to leave him. It's bare bones because they had to tear down everything and redo plumbing and electrical.
They are talking to a realtor he apparently matched with around February Vegas trip this year on Grindr. He didn't realize until they met and he went back home and double checked as he looked familiar. He just told me and our other friends in the discord channel this afternoon that he's going on a date with this realtor to get a good deal on the house they want. His cousin asked if that meant they were poly again. He said hell no that she was willing to allow this to get a good deal which means she is probably still talking to at least the one dude she never stopped talking to after they closed the relationship and went back to monogamy.
At the end she finally admitted the only research she had done was one article on polyamory that she had sent him in the beginning. I believe they were unicorn hunters in the beginning but during that 4 hour phone conversation and my last experience with a married couple she didn't want to make someone feel the way that couple made me feel. She has also during this whirlwind accused me of trying to steal him from her not to my face but to him and let him know she actually wanted more of a swinger situation from the very beginning and not what this turned into. We've been broken up for a month now and he and I are trying to be friends which is fucking hard especially when he brings her up in the discord and the fucking they just did stating I'm now one of the boys.
He has even been trying to teach me computer science while also trying to launch a website her and her other female pharmacists can use for their female lead cannabis pharmacy they are trying to get off of the ground in Kentucky. They have investors but that won't happen until next year or 2025 due to opportunity already being closed for this year. She's uncomfortable with him trying to teach me and still be friends with me.
Like those 2.5 years meant nothing. She got what she wanted and I lost everything. I lost him. I lost their kids. I lost her. I lost his mom and any other family that I liked that liked me. I lost her mother who actually likes me and I liked her. When she said they make cute babies and have more meta asked how/with who since she planned to have a tubal ligation and wanted no more kids. Her mom joked that I could have a kid with my now ex which him and I did want a kid which is part of why he refused to get a vasectomy. Not to mention his breeding fetish. I apparently have one too. She initially told him she would divorce him and move out. Then she said she would just divorce him and still live together because ain't no way a baby that ain't hers gets her money. She also told him and I both on separate occasions that if an oops baby happened she wouldn't ask or force me to get an abortion when she herself was unwilling to do that and would be resentful being forced to.
Anyway this is all still raw. Going on vacation this past weekend with friends and family helped. But now I am sick and extra emotional. The plan was to get a job down here pay off some debt and get back to kentucky as soon as possible to be close to him and the kiddos again. That's out the window. I'm on medical marijuana down here now and taking a break again to put in more applications and have more job interviews.
Every poly experience has been dating at least 1 half of a married couple and all have ended bad. This was also my longest relationship and he's the first person I have ever been in love with. I am absolutely devastated. My bestie who doesn't get poly keeps telling me maybe I should just try monogamy again for a little while. A flame I went on one date with right before the pandemic now feels like he missed his shot with me living so far away and says he knows if he didn't have a primary/NP he couldn't do poly and the same has been said by pretty much every other poly person he knows. I am solo poly. I don't want to be solo poly forever.
Just needed to vent. I am not disposable or less than anyone else. However this whole situation and still being so raw is making me feel pretty dirty, disposable and worthless.

NEMESIS 2: Chapter 65
Steven
The lava thing had burst through security walls, shrugged off massive bullets, and stomped over landmines like they were nothing. The only thing that had slowed its rampage was...
I chuckled to myself as I found the right words. I suppose the argument could be made that Bertrand was my step-brother, since he was adopted by my father.
We had all seen the footage of the confrontation. All but WalkMan and Doctor Doomsday, who were finishing a heartfelt goodbye to Doc's deceased family through the time portal. I figured everything else could wait for them to finish. For the moment, we had all the time in the world. I had briefly considered joining my two dads, but quickly dismissed the intrusive thought. Some things should be left private between a husband and wife and their kids. And the consciousness of the father's arch Nemesis that resided within his body.
I felt the portal close. The fabric of spacetime always rubbed me wrong for the briefest of instances whenever that machine activated, like an old wool sweater that had accumulated pet hairs from the dryer. The feeling vanished just as fast as it had appeared, as the universe mended the fabric back together with nanoscopic needles and thread.
I let Walk/Dad come out when he was ready. Both of the superpowered father figures were not very malleable in their emotions, so I estimated I would have around half an hour before-
"Where's the lava thing?" Doctor Doomsday asked.
I jolted to attention, startled by their unexpected presence. "WHOA! Fuck, dads, you spooked me there."
He smiled sheepishly. "Not my intent. I appreciate the time you graciously gave us, but now's the time to fight a giant molten monster, who is conspicuously absent. Care to fill us in?"
"Actually, I was about to ask WalkMan to do that for all of us" I said. "Well, more like translate the explanation."
My step-spider crawled over my shoulder and leapt to our fathers in out increasingly confusing family unit. WalkMan caught Bertrand in his arms and brought the spider to his chest, gently squeezing him in the tender embrace.
"What happened, Bertrand?" He asked, then fell silent. I presumed the spider was telling him something, so I waited once more.
"Grandmommy Longlegs was in the fire?" He said after a few silent moments. "Are you sure? But how..."
"Intriguing" Doctor Doomsday said. The change was subtle whenever they switched who was in control of the mouth, but once I identified the tonal shift and harsher enunciation, it was easy enough to keep track. "I have a preliminary theory. Somehow, Warden's body and Magma Carter's lava may have combined at the crash site, mixing Warden's mental menagerie with Carter's lava control. That thing could be absorbing souls as it finds them""Fascinating Doc, but there's more. She fought against the monster's will, keeping it from hurting Bertrand. Apparently, the sprinklers hurt it, and Granny's trying to force it towards the sea."
My jaw dropped. "Would that kill it?"
"Only one way to find out." WalkMan said, "Think there's a vehicle left here?"
"Actually, there's a certain Doomcopter on its way with a certain insubordinate young lawyer. She'll be here any moment, we can jump on that and chase it down". I said, relaying what Aloysius had told me.
Actually, that made me remember another pressing issue. I glanced at my metallic wrist stumps before raising my voice. "Triple-oh-one, think you could lend me a hand?"
A skittering of metal on tile answered, and soon my right hand was back in its intended position. Grandpa Doomsday gave me a quick thumbs up before releasing his digital control of my digits.
"Whirlybird's on its final approach, boys and... well, Bertrand's a boy too, so we'll stick with 'boys' fer the moment." He said, using the overhead speakers still to make his spitoon sound once more.
"All units, rooftop, now". I stated with commanding confidence. This whole 'leader' thing might work out after all.
We met Velociraptor Vixen on the stairs just below a sign that proudly stated it lead to Roof Access. "Where's the rest?" I asked. The robot dinosaur hissed, either with glee, disdain, or a hydraulic malfunction. "They sssssscelebrate above."
I waited for an elaboration that never came. "Whatever. There's a chopper coming, follow us."
The door opened, spilling sunlight into the dim stairwell. Citra stood with Tammy, their arms intertwined around each other as they... kissed?
"Uh..." I slurred, entirely at a loss for any cognizant thoughts other than 'lesbian murder robots', which would be a hell of a name for a heavy metal band.
Citra leapt back as far as she could, which wasn't far at all with Tammy still holding her close. She giggled as Citra's robotic face flushed with a deep red....
I turned to my fathers. "Why in the hell did you program Doombot frames to blush?"
He shrugged, jostling Bertrand's singed bow as he executed the gesture. "Never know what might come in handy" he offered as a lame excuse.
"Ok, whatever. I'm happy for you two, but could you please scooch off the Helipad?" I said. Some shocking revelations were best left alone for a while.
The Les-bots complied. I could see the helicopter now, a growing dot that lowered as it neared.
"Did you grab the time machine?" I asked, suddenly remembering the volatile device. "We can't risk it falling into the enemy's hands again."
Doctor WalkMan patted a satchel he had slung over his shoulder. "Packed it up after I told my family I love them. It took some serious convincing, but we decided not to risk a cataclysmic paradox by saving them." He sighed, staring wistfully at the strap across his shoulder. "It pains me to have a solution so close, and yet so far. But once you're dead, you should stay dead. And before you ask, WalkMan and I never truly died, our souls just moved to different hosts."
The rant was cut short by the whirling blades as the Doomcopter landed. The outer doors slid open, and half a dozen Doombots from 0028's squad leapt out, forming a perimeter for Tiffany.
The woman that stepped out, however, was most definitely not the young lawyer.
"Uh, hi, Steven" Stacy said, wringing her hands together as she spoke. Her pink hair shifted to a pale blue, just as it used to do when she was overwhelmed by anxiety and fear of uncertainty.
I was speechless. Stacy stood before me, exactly as I remembered her in my dreams. She hadn't aged a day since...
The next thing I knew, I was on my knees, wrapping Stacy in an embrace that I hoped would never end. I sobbed into her neck, feeling the distantly familiar buzz of her hair shifting colors against my cheek.
"How?" I croaked, forcing the word through my sobs. "You died..."
Before she could answer, a metallic hand grabbed her by the shoulder, violently pulling my girlfriend to her feet. Doctor Doomsday glared at her, scanning her from head to toe. "What... you... you're not dead..."
She sniffled as she tried to pull out of the iron grip. "0028 told me I had to leave, he was at the portal when I-"
The glare softened as WalkMan regained control. "Its not your fault".
The glare returned, harsher and sharper than I had ever seen. "YOU SAID THEY HAD TO DIE. THEY HAD TO STAY IN THE PAST."
"I thought they did, Doc." WalkMan replied sternly. "If you saved them, you would never have become a super villain, and all of this-"
The glare returned with a vengeance. "NO, YOU USED STACY AS AN EXAMPLE. STACY IS RIGHT FUCKING HERE. SHE LIVES. MY WIFE AND CHILDREN COULD HAVE LIVED. YOU... YOU TOOK THEM FROM ME!"
With a violent shudder, WalkMan's face fell back into his own control. He blinked and stumbled at the unexpected freedom.
One of the nearest Doombots in the makeshift perimeter jerked once before its red LED lights intensified. "I COULD HAVE SAVED THEM!" It screamed in a primal rage. "I CAN STILL SAVE THEM."
Doctor Doomsday pointed his new Doombot frame's finger at WalkMan in damming accusation. "Give the Time Machine to me. NOW. Or else I'll show you what a true Super Villain is supposed to do."

First/Previous/Next
​
Chapter 3 Part 1
​
They always said that you never dreamed in cryogenic sleep. Which was true. It was \impossible to dream with your entire being frozen to negative temperatures, body flooded with preservation medications so ice crystals wouldn't form in the cell walls or a host of other complications that would otherwise kill a person. What they neglected to tell you was the dreams you had when thawing out and waking up.
The dreams a person experienced while undergoing this thawing process were always intense too. As vivid as reality as it was sometimes reported. No one knew why. Whatever it was; whether it was the combination of drugs, the brain trying to understand the trauma it had just experienced or even the soul catching up with the universe as some more spiritualist elements theorised, without fail the dreams were the most intense someone could experience. For her, this time, they were far more than just intense.
​
Her eyes darted under her eyelids as the ghosts of energy bolts from aeons past darted in her memory. She heard the screams at the shaking of each dust filled rumble in her head. Her ears barely registered the dulled hum of ancient machinery fulfilling vital life sustaining protocols and the silent clicks of her standardised survival suit undergoing restart checks. Her helmet blocked out everything else or she'd have also heard the murmurs of voices beyond her pod. The cries of the dying desperately making one last stand echoed in her ears, drowning out the dull sounds. Those dying to protect her.
In her dream her arms reached out painfully slow for her father. She ached for them to go faster. This time she would make it. She'd be able to block the lid from fully sealing, preventing the cryogenic pod from starting. She was millimetres away. And yet the pod sealed effortlessly with a resounding hiss. At that her limbs decided to move normally again and hammered on the inside of the pod as the reinforced armour glass door's magnetic locks clunked to activation.
A dull green light shone into her face. Glacial coolness washed over her body as she slowly succumbed to the sensation of drowning. In one last desperate attempt she tried again to reach for her father. He wouldn't even look at her. A woman in midnight black armour cloaked in ragged robes embraced him from behind.
She screamed herself hoarse, trying to use sheer force of will to make the glass melt away. For her fingers and hands to phase through the transparent barrier and wipe away the tears staining his white bearded face. To just touch him one last time, even through the haptic feedback of her suit. To get him away from the stranger caressing him and wiping away the tears that belonged to her. She screamed a guttural scream as his face became sallow at the stranger's touch. It was killing him. Eyes sunk into sockets and flesh peeled back at the rapid mummification. "Alas" said the midnight black armoured woman in the ragged robes, holding her father's grinning skull in a gentle caress on the tips of her fingers. "Poor girl. Time to wake up. Wake up, and smell the ashes"
Fear gripped at her heart in a vice. There was nothing she could do but watch. The only way out was the emergency release button embedded at her side. But it was already too late, she didn't get to try as the feeling of drowsiness drowned her out, pulling her deep into the depths of slumber.
Except this time the feeling didn't become a stifling cold malaise. Instead, it was getting warmer. The sensation of drowning was slowly dissipating. As if she suddenly remembered she needed to breathe, her chest gave a mighty heave and began to rise and fall. For the first time in both more than a millenia and less than a handful of minutes, a large gasping breath passed through her lips. The inside of her visor fogged from the condensation.
She still heard the residual echoes of screams and cries in her ears like a phantom pain. But they were fading. Being replaced by a newer, stranger sound. The murmuring of a language she couldn't understand filtered through the glass and barely perceptible inside her helmet. Voices crowded around her pod. She hadn't yet opened her eyes. She didn't want to. She wished she was still in the dream.
Revival was always a confusing process and this was no different than the fifty odd times she’d undergone it before. But each time she had woken up her father had been there. He had to be there. Like how he’d be there this time. After all, it had only been a bad thaw dream.
The urge to open her eyes and look was almost overwhelming but she had to keep them shut. It was imperative until the medical diagnosis beeped an all clear signal. Otherwise she risked retinal damage before they were fully thawed. Until then she was alone in the dark with her thoughts. It was comforting to have thoughts however. What’s more; it was an even greater comfort knowing that because she was even having thoughts, she wouldn't spend an eternity of limbo in her frozen tomb, lost to the universe.
Finally, after what felt like an aeon, a dull chime resounded inside her helmet. Her eyelids slowly fluttered open. Microsensors within her helmet immediately noticed the movement and activated her suit's display systems. A heads up display appeared in front of her face. Light teal transparent letters flickered as she read information being displayed.
​
CRYOGENIC REANIMATION COMPLETE.
​
PLEASE EXIT THE UNIT AT YOUR DISCRETION.
​
This was strange. If her father was monitoring he would have already opened the pod right as her eyes opened. At least the words were reassuring. If there was anything wrong with either the pod or herself it would have been indicated in bright red flashing letters. A flick of her eyes and a blink dismissed the notification from her visor and she laid there in a stupor. She needed to get out and find everyone, find out what had happened.
It had all been so fast. There was barely enough time to even put on her survival suit and rush to the lowest levels.
The guards escorting her, Sergeant Lockley and a subordinate of his she had never got the name of, had practically dragged her in their rush, the entire bunker wasn’t even bothering with security procedures anymore. Everywhere else had gone quiet days ago, as far as they had been aware they were the last ones left.
No matter how much she'd pestered Sergeant Lockley he'd never given her any details on what had happened beyond that they needed to hurry and were about to be under attack. He didn't need to say by who, especially that late into the war. If it could even be called a war by then. It was more like a genocide with the fleets falling from the sky burning the heavens. City after City had collapsed, less and less reports coming in until they were isolated. And then it had been their turn. The entire human race reduced from carving out their own territory in the wider community to a scant few fighting tooth and nail for every scrap of dirt in a few decades.
That pit in her stomach as she'd been unceremoniously thrown in the pod while her father had ran all the checks himself when it normally took an entire team, was returning. Or had it never gone and she was only now allowed to feel it once again?
But she had been woken up. If she was awake then someone knew she was here, which meant they must have won. Beat the terrible odds stacked against them and come out the other side. If it had only been a few hours, or even a few days, either way it didn’t matter. She needed to get out and help the survivors, an extra pair of hands would be absolutely invaluable.
Looking at the lid, there were unexpected layers of thick dust caked against the outside of the glass, all except where her head had been. Maybe the combat had been so heavy the cryo chamber had nearly collapsed and whoever had woken up had brushed that portion aside to check on her. Yes, that must have been it. Holographic displays floated in front of her beyond the glass, their brightness blinding her eyes as well as making it almost impossible to make out who stood beyond their glare. She tried squinting past them, the shapes of the people outside were hard to make out, the fuzzy outlines of their bodies blurred together. However, their heads were still identifiable in the darkness as her eyes still adjusted. And from the looks of it there were at least four people in front of her. There was only one way to definitively find out though.
She motioned her fingers to indicate she was awake to the internal sensors inlaid into the walls of her glass coffin. She didn’t know why they hadn’t used the external controls to let her out, maybe they had been broken.
A dull clunk sounded indicating the magnetic locks had been released and the holograms flickered off as the glass slowly slid upwards with a motorised hum. The metal brim passed over her face, her visor compensated automatically for the low light levels, revealing, at last, her rescuers.
Four definitely humanoid figures crowded around her in the dark room. If she hadn’t been wearing her helmet the light coming from their torches being shined directly in her face would have blinded her. Instead, the glare was automatically filtered, revealing the figures standing in the room with her. They wore strange plated purple armour, bulky in the fashion all military equipment tended to be. A metallic point descended in the middle of their faceplates giving them an appearance similar to angry owls. Maybe it had been a special prototype her father had kept in storage somewhere, something given to the few elite soldiers remaining that helped to turn the tide. All the guesswork and unanswered questions directly after the panicked scramble to get into the pod was beginning to agitate her.
As a result, even through her reasoning, something nagged at the back of her mind. Trying to tell her something was off. She slowly looked over the four people again with her eyes, studying them closely without turning her head and giving away what she was doing. The one to the far right of her had their weapon hovering vaguely in her direction, as if unsure of what to do suddenly. Why would people that knew about her be so scared of her? It looked like an odd combination between an ornate staff and a rifle yet not quite either and looked to be encased in the same dark purple material as their armour. No matter how it looked, a weapon was a weapon and these people were dangerous. But they had also just woken her up. Surely if they had done that they wouldn’t be here to harm her. If they were, they could have easily done that while she slept.
The one directly in front of her, however, had no weapon out that she could see. Instead they had paused with a hand pressed into what looked like a computer device embedded on their forearm armour. The glow of the screen was reflected in the strangely shaped visor.
She tried weakly reaching out of her pod for the one closest to her in an attempt for aid.
"Where’s my dad? Did we win? How many days has it been?" She asked in a rapid succession, her weak voice amplified by the speakers within her helmet. She had to know.
The strangers looked at each other. They seemed more shocked at her speaking than helping her get up in her weakened state. She gave up on reaching out and instead used her arms to adjust herself on her near vertical frozen bed. She could feel the strength slowly return to her limbs as she moved. It would take a little while longer until she felt she could make an attempt to stagger out of her cryo pod but until then she was essentially helpless.
The strangers simply kept staring at her, as if they didn’t even know what she was. Which meant they weren’t from her bunker. They truly were strangers in the truest sense. But even so, they were survivors. And if they had survived then perhaps others had as well. For now however she needed information, her feelings either way could wait until she knew more.
"Who are you, how did you get here?" She asked again.
One of the beings, the one she had been reaching out to, spoke. It was a strange, melodic language that she didn't understand. Almost haughty in tone. That it hadn’t been automatically translated meant it must have not been in the system. An oversight by the programmers no doubt. Either that or they were speaking in a form of code. She sighed, that would make this far harder in an already difficult situation. Her powerful in built computer would be able to eventually figure out and create a translation if it really was a language but until then she needed them to speak more to hurry the process. Or even better, if she could activate one of the embedded computers on the wall, it would be able to extrapolate from just a scant few words. A common frame of reference to start with would be the best option but she struggled to think of what to use.
She remembered reading back when she was younger; even under the best of circumstances experts would deliberate for months, even years, on the meanings and nuances of individual words to ensure the most accurate translations possible. Computers helped immensely with the process but without the subtleties of organic beings they could create embarrassing inaccuracies.
"I'm sorry, I don't understand. But if you can understand me, please help me get to the computer over there I'll be able to understand you" she pleaded, pointing with her right hand at the dust covered screen mounted into the wall.
The second stranger on the left, standing behind the closest one she had been reaching for, said something in their still untranslated language and slowly walked over to the computer.
They must not be able to understand me either she thought.
The stranger pointed at the screen and said something. She had a feeling this time it was a question with the tonal inflection. That was good, if her hunch paid off it would help immensely.
Hoping what they had asked was something similar to "do you want me to turn this on" she nodded. The being said something that sounded harsher this time and the two she hadn't interacted with raised their weapons squarely on her. That message didn't need a translation. They obviously didn't trust her. The being cautiously reached out while looking at her, hesitating only for a moment, before wiping away a layer of dust and placing their hand on the touch sensitive glass. The machinery hummed to life as the screen registered the limb pressed against it and turned on.
Relieved by the fact that the fortress bunker's fusion core was still operational, she watched as the state of the art device cycled itself.
Yet another dull blue glow added to the room’s illumination as the main screen activated. Her own armour's holographic interface automatically synchronised to the system and displayed in front of her, adding to the blue light, its own illumination and brightening the room from a dull gloom to a faded glow.
The strangers still eyed her warily, fingers not on their triggers but hovering close enough to fire if she tried anything. This was more than not trusting her. They seemed scared of her.
Slowly and deliberately to show them she wasn't up to anything untoward, she lifted her right hand to tap on the translator option in front of her among the myriad of options. The haptic feedback in her glove gave her the sensation of resistance as she pressed and the computer gave a chime of recognition. Three concentric rings appeared on the screen, pulsating like a heartbeat. She spoke and the rings pulsed in time with her words.
"If you speak, that should be able to translate for us in real time" she said.
The one to her left lifted up her arm with the miniature screen and pointed it at the wall computer as the one who had touched the wall screen voiced more of their melodic speech.
"I think it's a translation programme, commander. I've managed to connect and uploaded our language to its database. They obviously designed it to be universal, it automatically reached out to my pad. It doesn’t seem like there aren't any defences or compatibility issues at the moment but this one will need to go through maintenance checks back on the ship" the being said, the software translating the language to her in real time. “But right now the risk is minima, I’m letting our systems access the programme now”
It was a wonder of coding, even managing to mimic vocal tones and cadences of the individual accurately. Although there was a slight disorienting disconnect in person when the sounds didn't quite match up to the mouth movements but that was something you got used to.
She smiled inside her helmet and relaxed, the tension that had been building easing out of her body. It was working and she'd be able to talk to them finally. And get some much needed answers.
"At least you’ll finally be able to understand me" she said.
The beings were confused for a second, each looking at each other like they'd been the ones to say it before it dawned on them that she had just spoken to them in their own language. They turned to stare at her from behind their owlish visors. It would have been almost predatory if their brief naive confusion hadn't been so amusing.
Immediately, the two with their weapons trained on her began to lean in, their fingers barely hovering over the triggers. The one who had placed their hand on the computer moved in front and motioned to them with a gesture. They lowered their weapons but did not appear to have calmed down.
"Who are you?" the person demanded.
The simple question confused her immensely. If they didn’t know who she was then why were they even down here in the first place? Even so, she needed their help to be able to get out of her pod. Let alone leaving the bunker and getting to the surface and finding any survivors. There was little choice, she needed to be careful. Secrecy protocols drilled into her by intelligence trainers until she’d had migraines were almost second nature at this point. Especially with what she should reveal and to who. But her name was something she shouldn't have to worry about.
"My name is.. Alice" she said with only the briefest hesitation.
Deciding that she could get further with these strangers by forcing a situation and getting out of the pod rather than just laying there, Alice leaned up and took a tentative shaky step forwards. She braced herself with her hands against the cushioned sides as she placed her weight on her dominant foot, stepping out warily. As soon as she lifted the weight off her back foot her leg buckled and she collapsed onto the ground in a heap.
The one who had been closest to her this entire time rushed forwards to help her.
"Are you alright?" they panicked as they helped Alice stand.
"I'm fine. Just a bit shaky after being asleep for so long." Alice replied calmly. "It's a side effect of the drugs for cryogenics. It'll take me a few more moments for it to get out of my system"
"Why would they keep you frozen for so long if it would have such deleterious effects?" asked her helper.
"What do you mean for so long? It’s just what’s used"
"Can you tell us why you were here? What happened? Why are there so many dead soldiers in this facility?" asked the demanding one.
Alice couldn’t let them see how such a casual line of questioning shook her. Taking all of her meagre strength to not simply collapse again from shock. She had to compose herself or she’d let something go by accident. At least she could be honest in this instance.
"I don't know any of that either. I was put in there before any of that happened or anything was explained to me" she said, indicating with a thumb over her shoulder. Her casual body language was key. Keep them off balanced, make sure they didn’t know how much she was internally panicking then.
he body language of the person asking her so many questions appeared incredulous at her hesitancy to be forthcoming.
Besides which, Alice had questions of her own.
“Not to be ungrateful, but who are you all?” she asked.
The one who had been demanding of her appeared to straighten up their back even further somehow.
“I am Commander Yurisa. The one kindly helping you stand at the moment is Second Rating Shand."
The latter term was unfamiliar to her but she perfectly understood the implications of there being a commander. There were enough survivors to field a well equipped and manned military. Tentative hope began to form as Alice looked at the person helping her. She gave them a nod of greeting.
"What about them?" asked Alice, indicating to the two who had been the tensest and most willing to point their weapons eagerly at her. They were still slightly hovering their weapons in her general direction.
"Conscripts Doane and Hedi. They do not need your attention, pay them no heed" said the commander curtly.
The lack of respect for the two subordinates caught Alice off guard. The two people, Doane and Hedi, may have been jumpy at her. But they didn't deserve to be dismissed so out of hand.
Even so, she could think about the ramifications of someone who would dismiss their underlings in such a manner later. Now her focus was changing as the strength returned to her limbs. She needed to find out about the rest of the bunker, what had happened after she had been frozen.
She untangled herself from Shand who had been helping her and stood straight on her own, albeit still slightly wobbling.
"Thank you for waking me up, all of you. But if it's alright, I'd like to know what happened. How many days has it been since I was locked in there?" she slightly chuckled nervously.
"Not until we know you won't pose a danger to my people or my ship" Yurisa replied sternly, a hand extended in front of her. They had evidently identified the weapon she carried.
This seemed like a hard line she shouldn’t push for the moment. She didn’t know these people and they in turn didn’t know about her it seemed. A rapport was more important for the moment, leaving her only one course of action if she didn’t want to be shot by the jumpy soldiers. Slowly reaching towards her thigh for the standard issue civilian sidearm clamped there. Making sure to deliberately grab it by the casing rather than the grip and placed the rugged weapon in the proffered commander’s hand.
Yurisa looked at her for a seeming eternity before hooking her gun on an armoured belt.
Stand down" she commanded.
Doane and Hedi once again relaxed, except this time they slung their weapons onto their backs in fluid motions.
Content they had relaxed and weren’t going to shoot her after all, Alice went to the computer she had indicated to Yurisa to turn on. She tapped the screen to change menus from the translation software to a full cultural database download. The computer chimed and began downloading the entire memory bank into her onboard storage. All the information amassed before and after her sleep. All public research and development. All scientific theories and art and literature. The entire sum of all human knowledge and culture. She'd carry it with her. The weight would be immense. The guilt of leaving it behind would be worse.
"I promise I'm not a threat commander" she said dejectedly. The energy rushed out of her as fast as it had returned, like a collapsing wave on a beach. She accessed the imaging network. Before there had been hundreds of cameras available, ranging from CCTV in the cities to satellites in orbit. Now it seemed none remained, not even static from severed connections. They were simply blank screens with error codes. She couldn't even see what had become of her home. She tried accessing previous recordings, hoping at least the final moments of the people who had protected her had been saved. The files listed themselves in front of her in a cascade of videos all dated and timestamped. She added them to the download, vowing to sort through them at the earliest opportunity.
"I just want to leave. I want to get out and see what’s survived. Who’s survived. I want to see the Earth and help rebuild, maybe even find anyone I know if I’m lucky."
She stared at the screen, willing the cameras to life. To show her the bustling streets and busy sky lanes. To see the grand ships hanging in low orbit above the urban centres, ever watchful sentinels of the heavens. But the screen defied her will and remained stubbornly black. Her rapt attention shielded her from the awkward glances the people seemed to be sharing behind her.
Shand nervously cleared her throat. “About that..”
She began but the commander furiously cut her off with a swift hand signal.
Frustration clawed at her as Alice repeatedly swiped horizontally through the vast list of camera nodes, the error codes stubbornly refusing to yield. A single flash of colour blurred past her frantic swiping. She swiftly backpedalled, searching for the frame that had zoomed by. With a tap, the swiping stopped. She had found it. A single camera she had overlooked. Tapping on the frame to enlarge the feed, she stood back. The image before her was severely cracked and pitted, barely feeding a picture let alone video. Static suffused almost the entire screen. But past it she could just about make it out. The ruins of the city. No fires flared or smoke dissipated into the sky as she expected. Or even rebuilt to its former splendour like she was hoping with these strangers being in her bunker. Instead, her eyes tried to process the rusted sharp jags of bare metal left to rot into nothing. The illusion her brain had imagined while she had been so desperate moments ago shattered at the reality in front of her.
It was gone. All of it. Just how long have I been frozen?
Grief and fear threatened to rear up in her before an entirely different sensation replaced them.
They destroyed it all. All of it. No mercy After all we had given them. Their very reason for being. If it hadn’t been for the human race they wouldn’t have even existed. HOW DARE THEY!
“HOW DARE THEY!” she screamed, punching the screen with unbridled rage.
Webs of cracks spread out from under her fist as she took deep breaths. She had to control herself. She didn’t want to turn and look at the people no doubt staring at her after her outburst. No clacks of weapons had sounded so at least they weren’t panicking even if they would be on edge yet again.
A warbling chime broke the spell around her. The download was complete. Everything that had been was now with her. The importance of it was undeniable before but now it was possibly the only record left in the galaxy. She had to guarantee its safety, as well as her own. The fallback option when she was woken up without the expected personnel. She typed in the final command she had been told to do when she had been briefed so long ago.
​
THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS
​
Alice snorted to herself.
Of course it would be that, they always thought they had a sense of humour. What idiots.
And with those last letters, the fortress that had survived fathomless millenia protecting its charge shut down with barely a dulcet low whine. The ruined screen flickered as the fission reactors went off line. The dull blue light slowly dimmed, once again returning the room to darkness. The last thread of life that had lasted so long finally free. And the last man made structure died, its duty carried for so long fulfilled.
Alice turned from the console a final time. The only sources of light came from the torches of the people standing in the room with her. She reached up to the side of her own helmet and touched a small pad. An embedded LED just above her faceplate illuminated itself, adding a narrow cutting beam to the wide ones of these apparent soldiers.
Commander Yurisa appeared to become distracted for a moment, her head tilting slightly to one side as if someone were talking directly into her ear. Her reply to whoever was on the other end of the obvious communication was heard by Alice.
"No, nothing to worry about. Sit tight, we're on our way back" she said to whoever it was.
Judging by that context, Alice guessed they were heading back up to the surface. They had come down and discovered her and were now leaving with their prize in tow.
No matter, as long as she could get off the planet she didn’t care where they took her now. She didn’t think she could handle the ghosts if they left her here.
Commander Yurisa indicated towards Alice, gaining her attention.
“We will be taking you back to our ship in orbit. Standard procedure means you will be confined to quarantine until medical scans show you are clear of any pathogens or other such contaminants that may prove a risk to us. These scans are non invasive and barring any complications will last no longer than a single rotation” she said in a statement that sounded rehearsed more than sincere.
Alice’s brain scratched like a record at what she had just been so casually told. A ship in orbit. She could barely comprehend all the implications it raised, not least of all the biggest one of how. She had to find out, to see if they had found an intact ship or maybe were even from a separate colony that had been missed. Her mind raced as she simply nodded in return, keeping the facade.
“I understand. I wouldn’t want to cause any harm to any of you. Just please, can we leave.” she begged.
“Doane, take the lead back to the surface. Second Rating, follow him and map our way out” ordered the stern commander.
Doane performed an odd slamming across his torso and nodded before heading towards the doorway. Alice gave one last glimpse at the pod that had kept her safe. She didn’t know if she would miss it in time but for now she felt hollow. Everything was proceeding so quickly and sooner or later she would have confront being left behind for such a long time. At least soon she would be getting answers. Why they had never found or woken her before now. She didn’t even know when now was, that was something she’d have to look up in the records when she had time.
Her lamenting was interrupted by the form of the commander filling her vision. Arm extended, indicating it was her turn to leave. Passing through the once pristine doorway, she immediately noticed the state of sheer decay. Instead of an elevator, rubble and rust met her eyes. She looked up, trying to spot where these people had climbed down. The opposite doorway wasn’t far above her, barely two levels. Doane and Shand were already more than halfway up. More beams of light were cutting through the gloom back at her, revealing the individual that Yurisa must have been talking to over the radio earlier.
Crossing the debris strewn floor, Alice reached for the corroded ladder, grabbing the rung closest to her. With mighty heaves she brought herself up, step by step, her limited strength making the simple task a strained ordeal.Finally she reached the opening she had seen from the bottom. Reaching out with her left food to dismount she hopped the small gap. Her weakened muscles still building their stamina back up from her lengthy internment failed her. Her foot slipped off the rung as she overexerted her leg, her left foot buckling from beneath her. Arms waving in front of her, desperately scrabbling for purchase on anything before she would plunge back into the darkness. Gravity inevitably overcame her struggle and pulled her back into the black shaft. A hand shot out, yanking on her forearm and dragging her back from the brink of her overbalance and firmly out of the doorway.
Alice collapsed hard onto her hands and knees, panting at the loss of strength and exhaustion wracking her body. Desperately trying to catch her breath, she looked up at who had pulled her in. Shand stood over her, head cocked while watching her. Alice fought against a giggle from erupting, the helmet the being was wearing made it look like a curious bird caught red handed in a spotlight.
Were they concerned? she wondered to herself.
Shand extended their purple gloved hand to her as she gasped from exhaustion. Alice grabbed the proffered hand. With a mighty heave, and a grunt from Shand, she stood unsteadily on her feet. Two of the soldiers rushed to her aid as she swayed on the spot, their rough armoured forms propping her up between them. Which two had helped her Alice didn’t know but nevertheless she voiced her thanks to them.
One of the group took the lead and began to head towards where they must have entered from. That must have been Doane, and Shand was the one following. She was easier to tell apart due to the holographic map being displayed on her wrist.
As they walked she looked at the aged remains of the carnage around her. Bodies and weapons strewn about the wreckage, no one left to bury them but entombed all the same in this bunker.
My father could be in here Alice realised as she slowly walked past an armoured skeleton wearing the stripes of a Sergeant draped over the remains of a concrete barrier.
They had still clung onto their rifle in a literal death grip, defending her as she had been frozen and slept. Guilt flushed through her at the sight of so many who had given themselves. Especially the Sergeant.
"Commander Yurisa. Could we stop for a moment please" asked Alice
The commander walked up to her, seeing her staring at the remains around her in the chamber.
"I think we can spare a minute or two" said Yurisa.
Alice gently removed the support of the two people who had been helping her and knelt in front of the Sergeant. An unsettling grin stared back at her through the smashed face plate of the helmet that once fitted. The unsettling truth suffused her being as she knelt. Days, or even months wouldn’t leave such a bare skeleton. This was years, decades at least. Alice looked around her at the other bodies lying around her, as if looking for any scrap of evidence that what she was realising couldn’t be true. All were beached with age, their tooth filled smiles laughing at the cosmic joke being played on her by the universe.
Looking away from the grim audience, she reached past the neck, briefly rummaging for the chain necklace she hoped would still be there. Gently lifting it past the skull, she dangled the rugged jewellery in front of her visor and attempted to read the dog tag hanging in the air. The thin slice of treated metal was caked in rust but even then it wasn't so far gone as to be illegible. Wiping the plate with her thumb, she read the name she had suspected it would say since seeing the rank of the remains.
Lockley.
The man who had rushed her to her pod so she could be where she was now. Alice bowed her head at the man she once knew. The man's armour may have been corroded with age but tradition was still tradition.
She reached out and disconnected his bulky left shoulder armour, the magnetic clamps still keeping it secure in place after so long. Placing it on top of her own civilian suit's lightly armoured shoulder with a light click, the piece looked completely out of place compared to the rest of her suit. A large dent in the centre showed where something had struck the late Sergeant as he had fought, perhaps an energy bolt or shrapnel from the fight. She rotated her shoulder, ensuring the piece wasn't interfering with movement or cumbersome. Satisfied it wasn’t, she then placed the dog tags back around the man's neck. The last thing she needed to take was his identity. The final thing he could keep.
Her deed done, she stood back up, looking around at the people she didn't realise had been staring at her.
"It was a tradition that started during the war" she said sheepishly. "You take the pauldron of whoever saved you if they died, that way you can carry them with you out of respect"
"That's a nice tradition" one of the soldiers she didn't know the name of yet said from behind her. One of the pair who had helped her. One who had been there when she had woken up. Which meant this must have been Hedi.
Alice chuckled slightly to herself as a sudden absurdity came to her. "Yeah but unfortunately I don't have enough shoulders right now for all the rest" she indicated with a sweep of her arms.
The group gave a few quiet sounds of amusement of their own, looking down at the ground or up at the ceiling rather than meeting her faceplate.
With a heavy sigh Alice willed herself to move. If she stayed any longer she would begin to lament on the lives lost for her and if she began that she may never leave.
Catching up with the awaiting Shand and Mannad, the group were led to a narrow maintenance utility shaft embedded into the wall. The cramped spaces twisted and turned as they took a winding path directed by shand.
The soldier Alice had not yet learned the name of was revealed to her when Iftan annoyed Mannad with an attempt at humour commenting on how it appeared to take longer to return the way they had come and if Shand had gotten them lost. Apparently Mannad had acute claustrophobia, however it was swiftly eased with a thump on the back of Iftan's helmet.
Alice smiled to herself at the thought of how soldiers were soldiers no matter what time or part of the universe you were from.

"Everyone's eyes are missing from their faces."
“What do you mean by that?” I asked her calmly, making note of her body language. Each time my patient spoke, she avoided eye contact entirely. She’d dart her eyes around, as if scared to land on one thing for too long. Her hands were folded in her lap, and her left knee bounced rhythmically.
“There’s nothing there,” She murmured, mind in a different place. “Where the eyes should be.”
“Can you describe it more in length?” I asked.
She paused before speaking again. “They still have noses. And mouths. And eyebrows, I guess. But there’s no eyes. It’s just…smooth.”
“I see,” I wrote that down. “How long have you been seeing this?” She shrugged, fidgety as ever.
“Does it frighten you?”
“Sometimes,” She replied, now looking to the floor.
“Is that why you don’t want to look at me?” I began. She tensed her shoulders, so I added, “You don’t have to. I’m just curious.”
“I don’t know,” She spoke quietly.
“It’s alright, I won’t make you do anything you’re not comfortable with.” I tapped the notepad lightly with my pen, coming up with some other questions. I wondered to myself if this was a side-effect of an underlying condition, manifesting into her reality.
“How about pictures? Or mirrors? Do people still look funny there?”
“It’s not funny.” She said bluntly, then immediately shrunk back into herself, as if expecting discipline.
“I’m sorry, Brynn.” I conceded. “I only mean, do they still not have eyes when you’re not looking directly at them?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “But it’s worse.”
“Do you mind telling me how so?” I tried to be as inoffensive as I could with my words and tone.
The more I knew, the better understanding I had of what she was experiencing. But I also knew not to probe too much, or I lose the chance of hearing more. Some patients require lots of patience and security, and I had no problem obliging. So far Brynn had shared with me far more than she has in our previous sessions, and I wanted to see more into her world. Get an idea as to why she had done what she did, leading to her school expulsion.
“Their entire face is…wrong.” Brynn began to explain, struggling with which words to choose. “They’re warped and stretched and confusing to look at. The longer I stare, the more it changes into something worse. Until I can’t look anymore and have to shield my eyes.”
“That sounds quite unpleasant,” I frowned. “You said this is only in pictures and mirrors?”
“Yes. For now.” She breathed with a shudder.
“For now?”
“Sometimes, I see the faces in the real world too. In the sides of my vision. And if I look at it it goes away, but I don’t think that will last for long.”
I sighed. I felt deeply sympathetic for her. She seemed to be battling against demons created by her mind, fueled by anxiety and stress. I tried to piece together what she told me with what I knew, and the main reason the state had hired me to help her in the first place.
Even her own parents cowered before her, relieved as soon as she stepped out of their car in my driveway. It sickened me they’d deny her love and support in these trying times, but I was only seeing one perspective. Brynn has yet to deliberate any issues with her family.
“Were you experiencing this when you attacked that girl in April?” I said slowly, hoping to reintegrate the incident in her mind as unobtrusively as possible. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I underst-“
“That wasn’t a girl!” Brynn pleaded, finally looking towards me. She paused for a fraction of a second before snapping her head away, terrified. “It was one of them disguised as her, I swear! I would never hurt someone like that unless I had to!”
“Ok.” I bit my lip, glancing at my files. “So you believe that you were in danger?”
“She was stronger than the others.” She didn’t answer my question, but I chose to momentarily lean in to that comment.
“The others as in the faces?” I clarified.
“Yes.”
“You perceive them as…other people? Not just strange faces but separate entities?”
I knew I should avoid putting words in her mouth, as it was best to let her come to her own conclusions, but I couldn’t help myself. A part of me was morbidly curious, trying to accept how a child could brutally maim another child with nothing but a rock and her bare hands. The pictures provided from that day were visceral and disturbing. Brynn so far seems troubled, but not to this degree. Not to the degree of severe institutionalization, as the court suggested.
“Yeah!” Her face melted with relief, tears welling on her lower lashes. “They’re not human. Just shadows or glitches. But they follow me everywhere! And that girl, she wanted to hurt me! She told me awful things….”
And then the tears fell as she dissolved into sobs. I reached for my tissue box and handed it to her, allowing her to get it out of her system.
“You are very brave for telling me all this.” I started. She had her face buried in her palms, hiccuping. “We can be done for today if it’s too much.”
“It’s fine.” She choked. “I just need a minute.”
“Take all the time you need.”
I leaned back and glanced around the room, eyes flickering over the mirror hung on the wall behind the sofa. In the reflection was myself, my desk to the right, the window to the left spilling light from the afternoon.
And then I saw it. Like a spec or an illusion, there was a second face over my own. One with a twisted grin, hollow eyes, pupils swelled in the sclera. I shut my eyelids and shook my head. I didn’t even need to convince myself I was seeing things, I already felt so confidently I had. I opened them and saw it again, but much closer, face pressed against the other side of the mirror like it was a window.
I jumped, startled, and Brynn snapped her head up. “Sorry,” I laughed. “Just had a sudden chill.”
I’m not sure she could tell if I was lying, but regardless she didn’t push it. We concluded our session on a high note, talking about how proud I was of her progress. As soon as she left my office, I removed the mirror from the wall and stashed it into a closet.
Then, I made a call.
“Hello?” Brynn’s mother answered, voice etched in trepidation.
“Hi, Mrs. Barker,” I began. “I’m calling about Brynn’s progress so far in my sessions.”
“Oh,” Mrs. Barker was timid and sheepish, speaking at a barely audible murmur. “How is she doing?”
“Really well.” I replied. “But before my next session with her, I wanted to see if I could have you and your husband come in. I want to get your perspective, if that’s alright.”
“Just us?”
“For a session, yes.”
She paused. “That’s fine.” She answered.
We scheduled a time, and I hung up with an exhale.
When Mr. and Mrs. Barker arrived, I showed them to my office and had them choose their own seats. They sat on the sofa, a person’s length between them.
I asked then how they were, offered them some bottled water. They were very uncomfortable in each other’s presence as well as my own, displaying a clear lack of trust. I wondered how long they’d been like this, if it had anything to do with Brynn’s behavior.
“How long have you been together?” I began, wanting to see their reaction. Subtle facial expressions and body language would notify me whether or not the subject of their relationship was one of merriment or tension.
“Ten years,” Mr. Barker replied, seemingly neutral about the topic. “Married two years before Brynn was born.”
“That’s lovely,” I added. “My husband and I are coming up on our sixth year this June.”
“Congratulations.” Mrs. Barker smiled meekly.
“Do you have kids of your own?” The husband asked.
“No, we don’t plan on having children.” I replied. “But we do have plenty of pets.”
“That’s nice.” He nodded.
“Is it just you three at home?” I crossed my legs. “Any pets of your own?”
“We had a cat once.” Mrs. Barker fidgeted with her nails, picking at her cuticles. “That was a while ago.”
I figured this was enough preamble before diving into the meat of the conversation. “Brynn seems quite lonely,” I said. “Maybe another pet could help her, if you’re open to the idea.”
“We can’t trust her with pets anymore.” Mr. Barker stated. That piqued my interest.
“Do you mind telling me why?”
He pondered, then shook his head.
“Well, I won’t force your hand, of course.” I began. “But this is a safe space. The more you share with me, the better I can help Brynn.”
He sighed, then sunk further into the sofa. “Brynn was an infant when we had the cat.” He shared. “He was an older family cat from my late mother. One day, we heard Brynn crying from her crib. Julie went to check on her,” He glanced over to his wife. “And she found him in pieces.”
“Pieces?”
“He was strewn about like he had been mauled.” Julie answered. “It was…horrifying.”
“Do you think it might’ve been an intruder? A stray dog that may have wandered in your home?” I asked.
“No, that’s not possible. At the time we lived in an apartment, fifth story.” The husband said. “It wasn’t a large space. We would have heard someone enter.”
“When you saw the cat in the state he was in,” I thought aloud. “What was going through your mind?”
“I’m sorry, but I want to move on.” Julie looked distressed, so I dropped the subject.
“Anything else peculiar with Brynn? She’s told me some troubling things that she’s seen as of late.”
“The angels?” Julie raised both her brows. She saw my confusion and blushed.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I studied her. Angels was an interesting choice of words. I would’ve understood entities, ghosts, maybe glitches. But angels was very specific. “Has she called them angels?”
“No,” The husband’s faced morphed into a scowl. “Julie insists on calling them that.”
She shot him an apprehensive glare.
“So, regardless,” I continued. “How long has she been talking about these…angels?”
The husband looked to his wife, expecting her to answer. She did the same to him. Both had some kind of silent communication between the two of them, and Julie sighed. “We really wanted to have a baby.”
“Pardon?”
“Kent and I had gotten married and wanted to have a child.” Julie clarified. “I got pregnant with a girl.”
This wasn’t what I had initially asked, but I sat back and let her continue.
“Five months into pregnancy, I suffered a miscarriage. It was devastating. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was living a waking nightmare and I wanted to die.
“Then, one day, I was at the store and I ran across an older looking woman. She approached me and said she was sorry for my loss. I don’t know how she knew, and at first I was angry, telling her to screw off and leave me alone. But then she offered to help me. I was about to pass her off as crazy, but she handed me a card and told me to call her when I was ready.
“I wanted to throw that card away so badly. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know who this woman was, but on the card she listed herself as a ‘fertility witch’. Sounded made up but I was beside myself with grief. So I went anyway, and took Kent with me. He tried to talk me out of it but I just needed to see. Get the curiosity out of my system.”
“Her office was the very definition of what you’d expect.” Kent added. “Shrunken heads, animal bones, dried herbs, crystals. The woman beckoned Julie to lay down and offered to perform a ritual for free. We were uncomfortable and declined, but the woman said something that rattled us. She said the name of our baby, and there was no way she would’ve known. We had wanted the name to be a surprise, so only my wife and I knew.
“This should have been what sent us on our way, but Julie and I felt some kind of deeper connection. This woman seemed to be legit, and we allowed her to do the ritual.”
“And then I was pregnant again.” Julie said. “As if we got a second chance, Brynn was back inside me developing as a beautiful healthy baby. We delivered her with ease. We couldn’t have been happier.”
“And then the…’angels’ appeared.” Kent’s brows furrowed, his expression turning grim. “They followed Brynn everywhere, and by proxy began to haunt the people nearest her. We saw them in the dark corners of our house, the alleyways of downtown, in the reflections of the mirrors and car windows and water in the tub. We also tried to ignore them. But each birthday Brynn had, the angels would do something drastic, as if lashing out against us before fading back into distant apparitions.”
“The death of our cat was one such instance.” Julie added. “The others I don’t wish to speak of, but they are similar. She’d turn another year older, the angels would do something bad, and then cease to be an issue until next year. They never worsened in severity, so we falsely assumed we could manage. Prepare for what would happen and deal with it.”
“So,” I finally broke the silence, unsure of how to process this information. “This instance with Brynn attacking her schoolmate…is it birthday related?”
“No,” Julie broke into nervous tears. “That’s why we’re so scared.”
“It’s almost like it’s corrupting her now.” Kent held his wife’s hand and gave it a singular squeeze before letting go. “It’s starting to bleed into everyday life and we’re at our wits end.”
I looked at them for a moment before coming up with a response. “I’m sorry, but I find this incredibly hard to believe.” I began.
“I know, I know.” Kent looked pleading. “I know how crazy it sounds. But that’s why we’re telling you. You’re a professional child psychologist, not a psychic or paranormal nutcase. You aren’t going to take my words to heart because it sounds ridiculous. But Brynn has opened up to you. She trusts you, where as any help we’ve tried to get from the church or elsewhere has just made things worse.”
“Everyday it gets harder and harder not to be afraid.” Julie continued to cry. “It’s ruining our relationship with Brynn and each other. We just want to know how to help her.”
That night I was tossing and turning, unable to get any rest. I was hoping to get some clarity from Brynn’s parents, but what Julie and Kent shared with me only added to the confusion. Did I believe in the supernatural? Not really. But the Barkers were fully convinced that Brynn was being haunted by entities that were slowly beginning to influence her. And yet, I’ve seen movies with similar plots. The brief visage of said entity in my office mirror wasn’t enough proof to validate any of this as true.
So were they making this up? Why? What benefit would the Barkers have in telling me this tale of demons and witches when their child’s very well being was at stake? I was the one who the state hired to see whether or not Brynn needed juvenile psychiatric treatment. She had hurt another student to the point of irreversible damage. The only reason she wasn’t behind bars was because she was eight. So didn’t Kent and Julie see how serious this was?
I dissented these questions to my husband, leaving out names and specific details as per protocol (though if you’re reading this now, that got thrown out the window.) He agreed with what I said, but also suggested I request documentation of Brynn’s birth, if I was able to. Try to see if she really had “been born again.” I wasn’t too keen at first with the idea, but decided it could be beneficial in helping Brynn by rooting out what was and wasn’t the truth.
The documents, to my surprise, were granted. There was her birth certificate, a miscarriage certification from the state months prior, copies of tests from both times Julie was first reported to be pregnant. The timeframe in between the miscarriage certification to the birth of Brynn was…strangely short. Only four months separated the two dates, which perplexed me.
I knew I was beginning to tread upon territory outside my pay grade, but I was too invested. I reached out to the doctor that signed off on both documents, hoping maybe I could get some answers.
“Hello?” The woman on the phone picked up after the third ring. “Yes, hi, my name is Dr. Grey and I’m calling about one of your previous patients, Brynn Barker.” The woman paused. “And you’re supposed to be..?”
“Her psychologist,” I replied, trying to find a way to justify my calling. “I’ve been asked by the state to begin treatment for her but I’ve noticed a discrepancy in her forms of identification.”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Despite her no longer being my patient, I have a confidentiality agreement.”
My hopes fell. “Ok, I understand. Tha-“
“But I no longer work for that hospital anyways,” She continued. “So said agreement must no longer apply, right? Not sure that’s how it works but we’ll roll with it.”
“Well, I would love it if you could perhaps stop by my offic-“
Again, another interruption. “Let’s meet somewhere else. Keep it on the down low.” “I understand.”
That evening I met up with her at a local sports bar. I found her sitting alone at a booth, drinking a beer and staring intently at her phone. I introduced myself and we shook hands before I sat.
And then, after I explained to her what the Barkers had told me, she shared her side of the story. It’s not unheard of for a woman to be pregnant soon after the gestation period of her previous miscarriage. If she was ovulating, she could be pregnant with another baby within the week. But according to the woman, Julie had shown back in her office a month later, six months pregnant. That was medically impossible. She tried to run more tests, consult other doctors, but the higher up’s ended up saying that she had made a mistake prior. But she hadn’t.
Undoubtedly, the fetus hadn’t survived in Julie’s womb. The woman even had a prognosis for the miscarriage, a cervical insufficiency. Despite this, Brynn was born healthy and it seemed the matter would get swept under the rug.
“Then I was approached by an older lady.” She continued. “This lady wasted no time telling me that she had performed a ritual on Julie in order to allow her to be pregnant, but it appeared to have backfired. Rather than have a new child, Julie’s womb appears to have reanimated her deceased child, which in the lady’s words ‘borders on necromancy.’” The woman shook her head.
“I was taken aback by the absurdity of these claims, but she told me to quit my practice at once. There are these angels that try to settle the score of death. If someone comes back to life, they intervene. I guess they can’t take back the life directly, but they will take the lives of others until the scales are balanced. It’s not as easy as an eye for eye. These angels will wreak all kinds of havoc and curse any who seek to get in their way. Which is why she advised I quit my job, for it would have unattended consequences there on. And so I ignored her outright.”
She looked to her hands, appearing guilty. “It took the stillbirth of my next two patients for me to finally understand. Any woman I saw I’d inevitably doom to suffer the loss of her child. I tried to get in contact with some of the other staff surrounding Brynn’s birth. Some of them killed themselves. Some others went insane. Most vanished without a trace.”
Then she turned to me with a look of urgency on her face. “Dr. Grey, I know it’s your job to help. Believe me. But Brynn cannot be saved, and you’ll damn yourself the more you try to interfere. If I were you, I’d tell the state she needs to be put away for the safety of herself and everyone around her.”
I was disgusted by her reply. So much so I stood without a single word and left the bar in a hurry. I got to my car and sat, gripping the steering wheel. After calming myself down with some deep breaths, I looked up and saw a fucked up version of Brynn behind me, reaching over with speed to grab onto my neck and strangle me. I struggled for breath and I tried to fight her off me, but it was unrelenting. I reached for my keys and stabbed one of them onto its arm, and it recoiled long enough for me to catch some air. I threw myself out of the car and fell onto the pavement, scrambling away. I turned back and saw my car was empty. I had merely stabbed my keys into the foam of my seat.
Now I sit at home, after having worked up the courage to re-enter my car. I have another meeting with Brynn tomorrow. But given all I know, and all I’ve seen, I’m not sure what to do.
I don’t want to abandon a child in need. It goes against everything I stand for as a person. But I’m not sure I have what it takes to give Brynn the help she needs.
Even now, my husband is making dinner in the kitchen behind me. I have to turn my back against him, because every time I see him from the corner of my eye, I notice his eyes are missing from his face

INT. AIRPLANE - DAY
​
A young man, JAKE (25), is sleeping in his seat, wearing a wrinkled shirt and a tired expression. He has a small suitcase and a laptop bag with him. A voice over the PA system announces that the flight from London to Miami is about to land.
​
PILOT (V.O.)
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are now approaching Miami International Airport. The local time is 9:22 a.m. and the temperature is 85 degrees Fahrenheit. Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until the seatbelt sign is turned off. Thank you for flying with us and enjoy your stay in Miami.
​
Jake opens his eyes and rubs them. He looks out the window and sees the blue sky and the ocean. He sighs and stretches his legs.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
I can't believe I'm doing this. Flying across the Atlantic for a job interview that could make or break my career. A job that involves wrestling and TV. Two things I love more than anything. Well, almost anything.
​
He takes out his phone and turns it on. He checks his messages and sees one from his girlfriend, LUCY (24).
​
LUCY (TEXT)
Hey babe, how was the flight? Did you get any sleep? Good luck with the interview, you'll do great! I miss you so much. Call me when you can. Love you xoxo
​
Jake smiles and texts back.
​
JAKE (TEXT)
Hey love, flight was long and boring. Got some sleep but not enough. Thanks for the good wishes, I need them. Miss you too. Will call you later. Love you more xoxo
​
He puts his phone away and looks around. The plane is full of passengers, mostly tourists and business people. He sees a couple of kids running up and down the aisle, a woman reading a magazine, a man watching a movie on his tablet.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
I wonder what they're all here for. Vacation? Work? Family? Maybe they're all going to the same place as me. The Whiskey Tango Studios. The home of the hottest wrestling show on TV. The show that I've been watching since I was a kid. The show that I've been dreaming of working for since I was a teenager.
​
He takes out his laptop and opens it. He has a folder with his resume, portfolio, and samples of his work as a writer and producer for various TV shows in the UK.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
I've worked hard to get here. I've paid my dues in the industry. I've written scripts for soap operas, sitcoms, dramas, reality shows. You name it, I've done it. But none of them gave me the satisfaction that wrestling does. Wrestling is more than just entertainment. It's art. It's storytelling. It's passion.
​
He clicks on a file that shows a video of him interviewing one of his favorite wrestlers, THE ROCK (45), at a press event in London.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
This was one of the best moments of my life. Meeting The Rock in person and asking him about his career, his movies, his advice for aspiring wrestlers and writers like me.
​
The video plays on his laptop screen.
​
JAKE (ON VIDEO)
So, Rock, what would you say to someone who wants to follow in your footsteps and become a wrestler or a writer for wrestling?
​
THE ROCK (ON VIDEO)
Well, first of all, I would say thank you for being a fan and for having such passion for this business. Second of all, I would say you have to work hard, be humble, be hungry, and be respectful of everyone who came before you and who will come after you.
​
The video cuts to Jake nodding and smiling.
​
JAKE (ON VIDEO)
That's awesome advice, Rock.
​
THE ROCK (ON VIDEO)
And third of all...
​
The Rock leans closer to Jake and raises his eyebrow.
​
THE ROCK (ON VIDEO)
...you have to know your role...
​
Jake gasps in excitement.
​
THE ROCK (ON VIDEO)
...and shut your mouth!
​
The Rock laughs and Jake joins him.
​
JAKE (ON VIDEO)
Oh my God! You just did it! You just did the catchphrase!
​
THE ROCK (ON VIDEO)
Of course I did! It's what I do!
​
The video ends with Jake shaking The Rock's hand and thanking him profusely.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
That was amazing. He was so cool and nice to me. He even gave me his autograph and took a selfie with me.
​
He closes his laptop and puts it back in his bag.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
But that was just a taste of what I want to do for real. I want to write for Whiskey Tango Wrestling. I want to create stories and characters that will make people laugh, cry, cheer, boo, feel something.
​
He looks out the window again and sees the plane descending towards the airport.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
And this is my chance to do it. This is my shot at making my dream come true.
​
He fastens his seatbelt and takes a deep breath.
​
JAKE (V.O.)
Whiskey Tango Wrestling...here I come.
FADE IN:
​
EXT. MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT - DAY
​
The sun is shining brightly over the busy airport. A large passenger plane lands on the runway and taxis to the gate.
​
INT. PLANE - DAY
​
JAKE COHEN, 25, a scruffy and weary-looking man in a wrinkled suit, wakes up from his seat as the plane comes to a stop. He rubs his eyes and checks his phone. It's 9:32 AM.
​
He grabs his small cabin case from the overhead compartment and slings his laptop bag over his shoulder. He mumbles a "thanks" to the FLIGHT CREW as he shuffles off the plane.
​
EXT. PLANE - DAY
​
William steps out of the plane and is hit by the Miami heat. He squints as he adjusts to the bright sunlight. He follows other passengers down the flight steps and onto the runway.
​
INT. CUSTOMS - DAY
JAKE waits in line at the customs booth. He looks nervous as he approaches the CUSTOMS OFFICER, who scans his passport and asks him a few questions.
​
CUSTOMS OFFICER
What's the purpose of your visit, sir?
​
JAKE
Business.
​
CUSTOMS OFFICER
How long are you staying?
​
JAKE
Just a couple of days.
​
CUSTOMS OFFICER
Do you have anything to declare?
​
JAKE
No, nothing.
​
The customs officer nods and stamps his passport.
​
CUSTOMS OFFICER
Welcome to Miami, Mr. Cohen.
​
JAKE
Thank you.
​
JAKE breathes a sigh of relief as he walks away.
​
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
​
Jake enters the bathroom and washes his face at the sink. He tidies his hair and sprays some deodorant and cheap aftershave on himself. He brushes his teeth with a travel toothbrush and toothpaste. He looks at himself in the mirror and grimaces. He should have packed another suit or shirt, or something.
​
INT. ARRIVALS LOUNGE - DAY
​
Jake exits the bathroom and walks into the arrivals lounge of the airport. He scans the crowd for a sign with his name on it.
​
He spots three burly LATINO MEN standing together near the exit. One of them is holding a sign that reads "JAKE COHEN". The other two are wearing sunglasses and earpieces.
​
The three men notice JAKE and approach him with smiles. They shake his sweaty hand one by one.
​
RICARDO FUENTES DIAZ, 50s, a well-dressed lawyer and accountant, introduces himself.
​
RICARDO
Senor Cohen? I'm Ricardo Fuentes Diaz, I'm the lawyer and accountant for Mr. Alejandro Rivera. Mr. Rivera has arranged for you to be staying at The Villa Casa Casuarina down on South Beach for the duration of your visit.
​
WILLIAM
Nice to meet you, Ricardo. And these are...?
​
RICARDO
Oh, these are Mr. Rivera's associates. This is Carlos and this is Miguel.
​
CARLOS and MIGUEL nod but don't say anything.
​
JAKE
I see. Well, thank you for picking me up.
​
RICARDO
It's our pleasure, senor. Mr. Rivera is very eager to meet you and discuss business with you. He's expecting you at his office at noon.
​
JAKE
Okay, great.
​
RICARDO
Shall we go then?
​
JAKE
Sure, let's go.
​
Ricardo leads Jake to the exit, followed by Carlos and Miguel.
​
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
​
Ricardo, Jake, Carlos, and Miguel walk out of the airport and head towards a black SUV parked outside.
​
Ricardo opens the passenger door for Jake.
​
RICARDO
Please, get in.
​
Jake gets in the SUV and buckles up.
​
Ricardo closes the door behind him and gets in the driver's seat.
​
Carlos and Miguel get in the back seat behind Jake.
​
Ricardo starts the engine and drives away from the airport.
​
INT./EXT. SUV - DAY
​
The SUV speeds along the highway
“No! No issues at all Mr Diaz. Isn’t that the former Versace Mansion?” I quizzed him. Ricardo seemed taken aback by my knowledge and started smiling.
“Indeed it is Mr. Cohen. Please don’t take offence. but I can see you’re a man of champagne taste, and beer money?”
I started chuckling at the comment. “None taken. I’d say more beer taste, and lemonade money.”
“Ah, I see. Well, I’m sure what was arranged with yourself over the phone, but Mr Rivera has mentioned that he will cover your expenses during your time here in Miami. Now, if you will follow me to the car. I’m sure we can stop off at a tailors along the way to get you a new suit. Mr. Rivera will be arriving at your suit around 4pm this afternoon. So when you get back, relax. Eat. Sleep.” replied Ricardo as he led me out of the airport and in to an immaculate deep red Bentley Flying Spur as we drive to the nearest tailors
Scene goes to commercial
INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY
​
COHEN, a handsome but weary-looking man in his early twenties, is dressed in a charcoal suit. He checks himself in the mirror and adjusts his tie. He walks to the living room area of the suite, where a laptop and a coffee maker are on a table. He pours himself a cup of coffee and opens the laptop.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
I've never been a man of luxury. I grew up in a rough neighborhood, where you had to fight for everything you wanted. But when Alejandro Rivera called me and offered me a job as the head writer for his new wrestling company, I couldn't say no. He said he was impressed by my work as a journalist and a podcaster, and he wanted me to help him create something different. Something edgy. Something that would shake up the wrestling world.
​
He types "Alejandro Rivera" on Google and hits enter.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
The only problem is, I don't know much about him. Who is he? What is his story? What is his vision? He said he would explain everything in person, at this fancy hotel in downtown Miami. He booked me a suite and paid for my flight. He said he had some other guests he wanted me to meet. He said it was all part of his plan.
​
He scans the search results, but before he can click on anything, there is a knock on the door. He closes the laptop and walks to the door.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
Well, I guess this is it. Time to find out what this is all about.
​
He opens the door and sees BEN, a cheerful bellboy with a cart full of drinks and menus.
​
BEN
Good afternoon, Mr. Cohen. Sorry to bother you, but we tried calling you on your cell phone. Your guests have arrived.
​
COHEN
Oh, really? That was fast.
​
BEN
Yes, sir. They're waiting for you downstairs in the lobby. Shall I bring them up?
​
COHEN
Sure, sure. That would be great.
​
BEN
Very well, sir. I'll be right back with them. And here are some menus and drinks for you to enjoy.
​
COHEN
Thank you, Ben.
​
BEN
You're very welcome, sir.
​
BEN smiles and leaves with the cart. COHEN closes the door and takes a deep breath.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
Okay, Cohen. You can do this. You've been in this business for over a decade. You've interviewed some of the biggest names in wrestling. You've written some of the most controversial stories. You've got this.
​
He walks back to the living room and picks up one of the menus.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
Besides, how bad can it be? It's just a job interview. With some mysterious billionaire and his entourage. In a luxury hotel suite. In FL.
​
He flips through the menu and sees some expensive dishes and drinks.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
What could possibly go wrong?
​
He puts down the menu and picks up his coffee cup.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot...
​
He takes a sip of coffee and makes a face.
​
COHEN (V.O.)
...this is decaf.
​
INT. HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
WILLIAM COHEN, a young and ambitious TV writer, enters the luxurious suite with RICARDO DIAZ, a slick and charming producer. They are greeted by BEN, a friendly hotel employee.
BENWelcome to the penthouse suite, gentlemen. I hope you enjoy your stay.
RICARDOThank you, Ben. You're very kind.
BENCan I get you anything? A drink? A snack?
RICARDONo, thank you. We're fine.
BENAlright then. I'll leave you to it. Have a good night.
BEN exits. RICARDO turns to WILLIAM and smiles.
RICARDOWilliam! Good to see you again.
He shakes WILLIAM's hand warmly.
WILLIAMHello, Mr. Diaz.
RICARDOMr. Cohen, I would love to introduce you to my boss, Mr. Alejandro Rivera.
WILLIAM's eyes widen as he waits for the big reveal. He hears a door open and turns to see ALEJANDRO RIVERA, a short and chubby man in a bright pink Hawaiian shirt, beige pants and brown shoes. He is wearing a fedora and sunglasses and is followed by two muscular bodyguards.
ALEJANDROAhh, Mr. Cohen. What a pleasure to finally meet you!
He takes off his sunglasses and hat and hugs WILLIAM tightly.
ALEJANDRO (CONT'D)How was the journey?
WILLIAMMr. Rivera! The pleasure is all mine. The journey was fine, thank you.
He tries to hide his disappointment and confusion.
WILLIAM (V.O.)This is the guy? The king of Miami? The visionary behind Whiskey Tango? He looks like a tourist who got lost on his way to Disneyland.
ALEJANDROI must admit, I'm very grateful for the suit, the room, and the generosity you've shown me already!
He releases WILLIAM and shakes his hand firmly.
ALEJANDRO (CONT'D)Is it OK to call you William?
WILLIAMThat's absolutely fine, Mr. Rivera.
ALEJANDROPlease, please. My name is Alejandro. Come on, let's sit and we can talk and order some food.
He leads WILLIAM and RICARDO to the living room area, where one of the bodyguards pours whiskey into glasses.
ALEJANDRO (CONT'D)Salud!
They toast and drink.
ALEJANDRO (CONT'D)So, let's cut to the chase, William. I'm a man who has a lot of pull in this beautiful city. I'm well respected. I love the bright neon lights. I love the beautiful Miami sunset. It takes me back to being a kid where I would see similar sights on the TV with Miami Vice, and even wrestling. Mi madre also loved telenovelas back then and I was hooked in. The glitz. The glamour. The violence. The storytelling. That's me, man. Yeah I watch wrestling now, but it's not the same. I want all three entities and mix them up. I saw the stuff you sent to me.
He pulls out a script from his bag and hands it to WILLIAM.
ALEJANDRO (CONT'D)This is brilliant, William. This is exactly what I'm looking for. Whiskey Tango is going to be the next big thing on TV.
ALEJANDRO: (smiling) My brother, Dario, once told me that running a wrestling company was easy. He said all you need is passion, vision and guts. Well, he was wrong. He's gone now, and he running a company in Mexico, and I'm the only one left to carry on our father's legacy. (He gestures to the table) That's why I hired you, Jake. You're the best writer in the business. You have a flair for creating compelling stories and characters. You have a knack for making wrestling exciting and unpredictable.
​
JAKE: (nodding) Thank you, Mr. Rivera. I appreciate the opportunity. I've always admired your work. You have a reputation for being innovative and daring. You're not afraid to take risks and challenge the status quo.
​
ALEJANDRO: (clapping) Exactly! That's what I like to hear. You see, Jake, I have a vision for a new wrestling company. A company that will revolutionize the industry. A company that will combine the best of both worlds: the athleticism and skill of USWF, and the drama and spectacle of WWA. A company that will appeal to fans all over the world, especially in Latin America and Europe.
​
JAKE: (intrigued) Wow. That sounds amazing. What's the name of the company?
​
ALEJANDRO: (grinning) Lucha Libre Elite.
​
JAKE: (impressed) I like it. It has a nice ring to it.
​
ALEJANDRO: (leaning in) And you know what else? I want you to be my head writer. I want you to be the creative force behind this company. I want you to work with me and help me make this dream a reality.
​
JAKE: (stunned) Me? Really?
​
ALEJANDRO: (nodding) Yes, you. You have what it takes, Jake. You have talent, passion and vision. Just like me.
​
RICARDO: (clearing his throat) Excuse me, boss. Jake. If I may interject for a moment.
​
ALEJANDRO: (annoyed) What is it, Ricardo?
​
RICARDO: (nervous) Well, boss, I don't mean to rain on your parade, but we have to be realistic here. We have money, yes, but we don't have unlimited resources. We have to be careful with how we spend it. We have to be smart and strategic.
​
ALEJANDRO: (sighing) Ricardo, Ricardo, Ricardo. Always so cautious and conservative. Don't you see? This is our chance to make history. This is our chance to change the game.
​
RICARDO: (shaking his head) Boss, I'm just trying to look out for you. For us. You know how tough the competition is out there. You know how ruthless they can be.
​
ALEJANDRO: (glaring) Who? Who are you talking about?
​
RICARDO: (swallowing hard) You know who I mean, boss.
​
JAKE: (confused) Who? Who are they talking about?
​
ALEJANDRO: (turning to Jake) Jake, let me ask you something. Have you done any research on me? Have you Googled me or read anything about me? Do you know who I am?
​
JAKE: (hesitant) Well...no...not really...Mr. Rivera.
​
ALEJANDRO: (laughing) Good! Good! That's good! Because ignorance is bliss, my friend. And trust me, you don't want to know too much about me or my family.
​
JAKE: (curious) Your family?
​
ALEJANDRO: (standing up) Yes, Jake. My family. The Cuetos. The most powerful and dangerous family in the world of wrestling. And now...you're part of it too.
​
(He hugs Jake tightly)
​
ALEJANDRO: Welcome to La Familia de Cueto. Welcome to Reyes del Mundo, and your the prince of this kingdom, while I reign, as its beneficiator behind the scenes.
Show ends..

As I close in on my 20th year of life as an ugly penis goblin, my body's last shreds of androgyny/femininity are being destroyed and I don't know if I can cope with it.
I really enjoyed growing my hair long over the past couple years, but since mid 2022 it's been falling out rapidly and at this point I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it. My face is ugly regardless of gender, my facial hair feels like sandpaper and all I have to shave it with is an old philips oneblade which always misses individual hairs and never gets a very close shave. My entire lower body is fucking horrifically hairy, I'll spare the details there. My upper body used to be less hairy but it's been catching up, I think soon enough I'll be chewbacca-tier all over.
I also dealt with a pretty brutal eating disorder + substance issues for a while which I think paused my growth pretty late, and after self-recovering from those I feel like I've hit a second puberty. I'm like an inch taller than I remember being when I was 18, my entire skeleton has definitely grown wider and now I have the fat distribution of a man, beer belly and all. Even in 2021 my friends online thought I looked younger than my age, now they say I look like a man and that I need to accept that I'm one. I play guitar and have recorded myself playing a lot, and in the newer videos my hands look manlier and rougher whereas they seemed softer and younger in the older ones.
I used to be able to use dove soap and unisex deodorant, nowadays since I'm still dependent on my mom she just buys me axe body wash and old spice deodorant so my only choice is to smell like a middle school locker room and if I ask for the stuff I used to get (which was literally cheaper at the dollar store btw) I'm entitled since I'm almost 20. My family always comments on how stoic and manly my personality is and how our kitten must have a preference for men since I'm her favorite. Each year's changes makes me feel less and less like myself, androgens are mutilating me
I've taken to wearing sweatpants 24/7 since around 2020 because of how insanely hairy my legs are. The last time I tried wearing a pair of shorts around a year ago, my mom instantly pointed and yelled "HAIRY MAN LEGS!!!" so I decided I'll never make that mistake again. Whenever I leave my room and run into her she says "HEY DUDE!". Even wearing normal t-shirts is a huge drain on me because of how weird and hairy/alienlike my torso looks, I wear hoodies every chance I get but if you try that in the summer where I live people will have a problem with it.
If I were in a more normal situation like most people then I could just get DHT blockers, maybe HRT, body hair removal stuff, etc. and it'd change my life. But I've had a very weird life, I'm suspected autistic but have no diagnosis and I can't work or get an income which means I can't do any of that or escape my family. I'm isolated and locked in this house in the middle of nowhere pretty much 24/7 so there's nothing irl to help me. I'll continue to turn into a hideous bald neckbeard for maybe up to a couple more years until either my health issues or homelessness takes me out. Ever since my hair started falling out I've had impulsive thoughts about just buzzing it all off and trying to live my life the way a normal man would, but that feels like it'd be the final nail in the coffin for me. Sucks to suck I guess :(

Hawkeye

"Clint. You should not be here."
"Really? I retire for, what, five minutes and it all goes to shit."

Clint Barton worked as one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s top agents for a number of years under the codename Hawkeye, being put on various assignments from keeping an eye on notable items like Mjolnir and the Tesseract to the mysterious Budapest mission where he recruit Natasha Romanov to S.H.I.E.L.D.. These experiences led to him becoming a founding member of the Avengers despite his own claims of just being a regular guy with a bow. Hawkeye worked with the Avengers for several years, from Ultron's attack to the superhero civil war that saw the group falling apart at the seams. However, his life as he knew it was snatched away after the invasion of Thanos, which saw 50% of all life in the universe being erased including Hawkeye's entire family. Hawkeye took up the alias of Ronin, a vigilante that roamed the globe in a vengeful rampage to kill the many criminals that had survived Thanos' snap. He eventually rejoined the Avengers after they discovered a way to bring back everyone that had been erased, but the guilt from what he had done as a result of his grief still weighed on him even after his family had been brought back. It wasn't until he met his future protégé Kate Bishop that Clint's faith in himself and his efforts as a superhero were restored.

Source Key

Movies

Av - The Avengers
AoU - The Avengers: Age of Ultron
CW - Captain America: Civil War
End - Avengers: Endgame

Other Sources

AI - The Avengers: The Avengers Initiative
OH - Avengers: Operation HYDRA
SM:HP - Spider-Man: Homecoming Prelude
H - Hawkeye (Disney+)

Strength

Striking

• Kicks a chitauri grunt off of a roof^Av
• Breaks his baton on Vision's head^CW
• Punches a man through a glass window^End
• Knocks a man out with a punch to the head^H

Piercing

• Stabs a chitauri with an arrow and later does it again^Av
• Embeds an arrow in the head of an Ultron drone which weren't visibly damaged by bullets^AoU
• Stabs an arrow through another Ultron drone^AoU
• Embeds arrows in pipes and the roof of a tunnel by throwing them^End
• Cuts an outrider in half with his blade^End

Other

• Snaps out of the ziptie that was holding him^H
• Throws a man off of him^H
• Suplexes a man and knocks him unconscious^H

Speed/Agility

Reaction

• Avoids a blast from Loki's scepter^Av
• Reacts to Wanda sneaking up on him, stunning her^AoU
• Ducks under the blast of an Ultron drone^AoU
• Avoids being blasted by Iron Man^CW
• Briefly scuffles with Black Panther^CW
• When a molotov is thrown at the second story window he was standing by, he breaks the window and catches it before throwing it back^H
• Dodges several strikes from Yelana Belova^H
• Sees a sniper laser on his chest and immediately uses a tray to block the bullet^H
• Reacts to both unarmed and bat strikes from a man that later caught one of his arrows^H
• Ducks out of the way when Yelena Belova attempts to shoot him^H

Mobility

• Jumps between rooftops^End
• Leaps between various shelves as goons try to attack him from below^H

Durability

Blunt

• Takes multiple blows from Black Widow^Av
• Gets punched by Quicksilver^AoU
• Knocked back by Vision^CW
• Kicked by Black Panther^CW
• Takes a bat to the leg^H
• Rolls through a wooden shelf and isn't noticeably affected^H
• Takes several blows from Echo over the course of their fight who later kicked a man a short distance down the street^H
• Is punched by Yelena Belova and continues to dodge afterwards^H
• Gets kicked in the knee and thrown into the front of a car by Echo^H
• Gets tackled onto an ice rink by Yelena Belova and in that same fight receives a kick to the chest^H
• Takes an extended beating from Yelena^H

Other

• Unaffected by a hard landing in a quinjet^Av
• Crashes through a window^Av
• Gets shoved through a window by Quicksilver^AoU
• Jumps from one story in the air^End
• Stunned by Black Widow's shock dark but quickly removes it^End
• Survives the Avengers base getting bombarded^End
• Gets shocked by Yelena Belova's widow's bite^H
• Falls a fair distance out of a building into the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree which then is knocked into the ice rink below^H

Skill

Accuracy

• While in a plane, shoots an arrow out the open back so that it loops back around and latches onto the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier, hitting the perfect spot so that he can blow up one of its engines^Av
• Shoots a USB arrow directly into the port of one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s computers to upload a virus^Av
• Takes out a flying chitauri transport while looking in the opposite direction^Av
• Hits the back of the head of a chitauri pilot from a great distance^Av
• Fires two arrows into the heads of Ultron drones at the same time^AoU
• Hits two bullseyes on a dartboard simultaneously^AoU
• Scores a bullseye on two targets at the same time^OH
• Shoots through the webbing that was binding Captain America's hands from a good distance away^CW
• Lands several non-lethal shots on some criminals, including one that he fires backwards^H
• Fires two arrows at once, pinning someone to a wall^H
• Flips over a banister, firing an arrow while midair that frees Kate her from her restraints^H
• After Kate shoots an arrow high into the air, he hits it with another shot^H
• Claims that he's split an arrow with another arrow which he later demonstrates^H
• Flicks a Christmas ornament so that it hits a button and turns off the tv (Clint claims that he could do a similar thing with a quarter to knock a guy out from twenty feet away)^H
• Fires an arrow out of a building into the window of a sniper sitting in the opposite building^H

Fighting/Close Quarters

• Fights on an equal level to Black Widow^Av
• Fends off a chitauri warrior^Av
• Temporarily gets the better of Black Widow^CW
• Is proficient in sword fighting, winning an exchange with the head of a yakuza organization^End
• Fights some members of the tracksuit mafia while unarmed^H
• Styles on some LARPers^H
• Mows through a group of criminals as Ronin^H
• Engages in an extended, unarmed fight with Echo (though he is admittedly on the backfoot for much of it)^H
• When he fights Echo again as Ronin he defeats her handily^H
• Temporarily gets the better of Yelena Belova though in the end he loses that confrontation^H
• Puts Yelena Belova into a headlock^H
• Will use his bow as a melee weapon if his opponents get in close^H

Other

• Brings a jet with one destroyed engine to ground level without crashing^Av

Gear

Bow
Mechanics

• It's collapsible for ease of transport and instantly snaps into shape when needed^Av
• Allows Clint to swap out for a specific trick arrowhead with the press of a button^Av
• He can remotely trigger his explosive arrows^Av
• The bow itself possesses a grappling hook that latches onto metal^H

Strength

• Blows up an Ultron drone with seemingly a regular arrow^AoU
• Shoots through multiple Ultron drones^AoU
• An arrow clashes with Vision's beam^SP:HP
• Echo is unable to pull the arrows out of a wall when Hawkeye uses them to pin her^H

Trick Arrows
Explosive

• Blows up one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier's engines^Av
• Blasts away S.H.I.E.L.D. agents^Av
• Detonates in Loki's hand, destroying the chitauri vehicle he was riding and sending him crashing into Stark Tower^Av
• Throws up a large amount of dust and snow^AoU
• Knocks back Iron Man^CW
• Knocks Black Widow aside^End
• Delayed explosives that blow up a tunnel behind him^End
• Blows up the front of a van and causes it to crash^H
• An explosive arrow that blasts away a group of men and craters an ice rink^H

Shock/Electrical

• Wanda is stunned when Clint slams one into her forehead^AoU
• Shoots two arrows which create an electric barrier than traps Vision^CW
• Covers Vision in electricity^CW
• An arrow that covers an opening in electric ropes^H
• An arrow that restrains and electrocutes a man into unconsciousness^H

Acid

• Acid arrows which quickly melt through stoplights^H
• Knocks over the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree^H

Transportation

• Grappling hook arrow that embeds into the side of a building for Clint to swing on^Av
• An arrow that shoots a grappling hook in either direction once fired, forming a zipline for Kate to ride^H

Disorientation

• One arrow releases some sort of noxious gas that fills a car and causes the driver to crash (Hawkeye later uses this to force a sniper out of his position)^H
• A concussive arrow that blasts people back and leaves its targets disoriented^H
• Another gas arrow that's a different color^H
• A flashbang arrow^H

Pym Particles (Size Changing)

• Grows an ordinary arrow as tall as a bridge^H
• Shrinks a van to the size of a toy^H

Other

• One which splits into two data drives which go into ports on a SHIELD helicarrier, infecting it with a virus which shuts down several computers and cuts off power to an engine^Av
• An arrow which fires in a circle around itself shortly after hitting a target^Av
• An arrow which rapidly heats the part of a Chitauri chariot it hits, causing it to break in half^Av
• A shockwave arrow which takes out the remaining goons in a warehouse^AoU
• A leg-mounted pack of retractable arrows, which seemingly allows him to fire all of them simultaneously^AoU
• An arrow that splits into multiple smaller arrows which proceed to loop around Iron Man, though its unclear if they would have actually hit him or if they were purely for distraction^CW
• Flashlight arrow^End
• An arrow that superheats a chitauri transport before causing it to explode^H
• Puddy arrows spread across a van's windshield (Hawkeye also suggests mucking up their wheels with it)^H
  • Kate later uses it to obscure some flashing lights^H
• An arrow that Kate fires into the front of a van shoots multiple cords in every direction, latching onto anything close and pulling them in (which in this instance was Christmas trees)^H
• The plunger arrow is able to support his and Kate's weight as they hang from the side of a train^H
• Tracer arrows which he can track the location of^H
• An arrow with a compartment for a message^H
• An arrow that turns a series of flagpoles magnetic so that some goons cannot use their weapons^H
• An arrow that releases an inflatable ball that instantly blows up and launches some men into the air^H
• An arrow that attaches to a man's leg and drags him into the air via miniature rockets^H
• Ice arrow that freezes a man's leg^H
• Tranquilizer arrow that releases a series of smaller tranquilizer darts in all directions once it hits its target^H
• An arrow that spins and releases what appears to be nails in all directions^H

Other

• Knife^Av
• Baton^CW
• Shurikens
• Sword^End
• Flashlight on his arm^End
• Wrist-launched grappling hook^End
• Small explosive disks that he can easily stick to flat surfaces and can remotely detonate with a button on his bow^H
• A wrist-mounted crossbow, which fires with enough force to embed the bolts in metal after being deflected^AI
• He seemingly uses this same crossbow to take out an outrider^End

Misc.

• Is unphased by Wanda throwing a knife at his head^CW
• Speaks Japanese^End
• Requires a hearing aid because of his time in the Avengers and he is nearly completely deaf without it^H
• Hawkeye jumpscare^H
• Stealthily takes out a group of criminals without any of them seeing him^H
• He makes most of his trick arrows himself^H

"Nice shot."
"Yeah, no shit."

The episode resumed with a shot of the Final Two holding the effigies their helpers had made as Chef wheeled the person formerly in a hazmat suit in a wheelchair, their suit traded in for a full body cast.
Izzy spoke up. "Are we actually going to throw our dummies into an active volcano without any safety? That sounds lethal, even for me."
"As the saying goes, 'No excruciating pain, no million dollar gain'," Chris told her, pulling out a briefcase as a reminder then promptly tossing it away. "To help you get those dummies to the top of the volcano, you can use the rewards your teams earned on your behalf in the Aftermath Lava Surfing challenge," he continued.
"Ezekiel won a wheelbarrow. Too bad he's out," he said, the camera panning the host at the base of the volcano as the wheelbarrow rolled down next to the host, "but Mal gets a baby stroller," the stroller rolled down next to the wheelbarrow, "and Izzy gets diddly squat."
"What?" Mal gaped.
"Mal," Chris said, "for winning the effigy challenge, you get a twenty-second head start. So, get going!"
"Toodles," Mal said, running off with the wooden statue in his arms.
"At least this dummy's light," Izzy said, carrying it in her arms.
Mal tossed his dummy into his baby stroller as soon as he came to Chris, then ran up the slope chuckling as it did not break.
Chris watched him go with his usual smile, then turned to watch Izzy as she walked up. "Shouldn't I have the wheelbarrow if Ezekiel's not competing?" Izzy said.
"Sure, why not?" Chris said, watching Izzy put her dummy in her wheelbarrow and push it up the hill.
\
The scene cut to Mal running up the mountainside path at a decent rate. "It's been a long ride," he told himself, "but I'm going to claim the prize and live life comfortably!"
\
The camera panned down to Izzy, still pushing her effigy up the slope and panting heavily. "Why am I getting tired now of all places?" she said to herself.
"Having trouble?" Mal called out mockingly. "Maybe if you continue to run like a freak of nature, you might get to the top in time to see me win the money. But I doubt it!" he laughed, running off again.
The path soon leveled off, he passed a few bushes, then saw what was ahead and frantically skidded to a halt. He stopped right on the edge of a bubbling lava pool. "What the inferno?" he asked, the camera getting an overhead shot of the lava right before it flared up, forcing Mal to dive away with his rather flammable dummy.
Chris chuckled off-screen, and the camera zoomed out to show him and Chef standing on the other side of the lava lake. "Yoo hoo, over he~ere!" he called in a light and airy voice, waving to the malice filled man. A series of stepping stones spanned the gap between the two sides, but hanging over it from a large wooden frame were several heavy objects: from the left to right were a log, a grand piano, a safe, a simple weight, a purple armchair, a metal cage, and a bomb. The ropes holding the objects in the air ran along the framework and down to a structure near Chris and Chef, where each individual rope was tied around a long log.
"Check out the look on his face," Chris told his assistant as the camera zoomed in on them and the two men high-fived.
Izzy finally arrived at the other end of the lava pool, stopping when she saw it. "Now what?" she said in awed disbelief.
"The only way to the top of the volcano," Chris said as the camera panned across a close-up of the stepping stones, "is past this river of lava," he pointed down at the bubbling rock as the camera reached him again. "Those rewards probably won't be too helpful," he added, Mal and Izzy frowning as they stood by with their respective dummies.
"All you have to do is hop across these stepping stones," the host continued, moving over closer to the end of the path. "Easy-peasy, hot and cheesy!" he said as the lava flared up again. "Buu~uut," he added impishly as the camera panned across the hanging objects, "we've rigged a few booby traps to, that's right!"
"Make things more interesting," the two finished in annoyance.
"Chef," Chris turned to his assistant, "a booby demo, if you please!"
Chef took out a machete then turned around and chopped the first rope. The freed end quickly slid back through the wooden frame, and the log dropped onto the first stepping stone, broke, and fell into the lava with a burst of flame and a splatter of molten rock. Izzy raised an eyebrow and Mal gasped in surprise.
"Yeah, you really don't want to get hit by those," Chris told them. "Your helpers can either keep them secure," he continued, turning around and motioning to the two pairs that were standing by the tied-up ropes, "or send them falling. It's your call. Aaaand, go!"
Mal got moving first, picking up his dummy out of the stroller and running from stone to stone. Izzy lagged behind, but she still kept up.
"Chop the ropes! Now!" Mal commanded, and the shot cut over to Noah, Eva, Sky, and Shawn on the far side of the river.
"Team E-Scope, don't let them win!" Izzy cried out.
"Hold on!" Sky stopped everyone. "I don't want to fight anyone, or help out Mal."
"Me too," Shawn agreed. "I'm just here because I have too."
"I said cut the ropes!" Mal shouted forcefully.
"You two are right. Let's leave them at each other's throats," Noah said.
"Or better yet, we sabotage Mal," Eva offered.
"I'm already ahead of you!" Shawn grinned and grabbed a machete. He chopped down the rope holding the couch, and Mal took notice and jumped onto the next stone.
"Don't even think about messing with me!" Mal growled.
"Can't hear you!" Shawn mocked him as he cut a series of ropes. A bank vault, piano, and cage all fell down, but Mal effortlessly avoided all of them and eventually made it to the end.
"How were you able to avoid all of those?" Noah wondered. "That cage should've contained you."
"Mike's personalities can come in handy. I'll be taking my leave now," Mal laughed and made his way to the volcano.
Izzy reached the four helpers. "Welp, that was a bust," she griped.
"Don't just stand around complaining," Eva said. "Go to the volcano."
"And what about you guys?" Izzy asked.
"We'll catch up with you two with the helicopter Chris drove us here in," Sky added.
Izzy's face turned into determination. "Here I go! Time to stop the biggest, most baddest villain in TD history!" She let out a battlecry and dashed hastily towards the volcano.
\
The scene changed to a long-distance upward shot of the volcano, soon cutting to the top as the camera panned across the non-competitors, gathered in a sweaty and sweltering mass on the rim of the volcano's crater.
An upward pan of Chris holding the million-dollar suitcase revealed him standing happily in a cool breeze, the shot zooming out to show it being caused by a giant electric fan blowing air over a large ice cube being held on an intern's back. Several more ice cubes were stacked around the area, and were already beginning to melt.
"So...," Chris said to Chef, the pilot standing beside him, "know of any season three wrap parties?"
Chef didn't answer, and instead averted his gaze and walked away whistling in a very suspicious manner.
Chris frowned at him, but his expression quickly changed to excitement as he looked out over the edge of the volcano. "And here they come!" he announced as Mal was shown racing up the path with his dummy.
The shot cut to the edge of the crater as the dummy was thrown up first, followed by the villain leaping up with a dark smile on his face. He caught the dummy and grinned even more.
"Looking for this?" Chris asked as the shot cut to the million dollar case.
Mal let out a dry chuckle as he made his way to the edge of the crater.
"Stop right there!" Izzy's voice said, causing him to pause and turn around mid-way.
"Izzy," Mal said as the camera cut to the girl at the roof of the crater next to her dummy. "Can't you see I'm about to beat you? Just spare us the trouble and let me win!"
"If there's anyone who deserves to be competing against me, it should be Mike!" Izzy argued back.
"Mike is nothing to me!" Mal shouted furiously. "He should be the one left behind, not me!" That was when he inhaled sharply as his head got closer to the camera.
\
Suddenly, Mal began falling and landing in the pink grounds of Mike's brain.
"Urgh." Mal grunted before his eyes widened and he saw that his tower was practically rubble at this point. "Impossible. Where's my tower?" Mal asked furiously.
"It's gone Mal. It's gone for good," Mike smirked victoriously as he entered, much to Mal's anger.
"How were you able to push that button? I had that reinforced so your puny arms could not penetrate it," Mal asked angrily.
"I'm not half as weak as you think I am. It's time to end this," Mike glared at the evil alter who smirked fiendishly.
"Very well," Mal said with sadistic glee, "This should only take ten seconds." Soon, Mal and Mike charged at each other fiercely and began punching and kicking each other with so much ferocity.
\
Meanwhile, at the top of the volcano, Mike and Mal were having such a gigantic fight that Mike's body was thrashing itself violently much to everyone's horror.
"What is he doing?!" Owen asked in concern.
Heather stood in front of Cody protectively.
"Surrender already, you peon!" Mal grunted angrily as Mike's body continued to thrash violently.
"N-never!" Mike said confidently as he continued to claw at himself.
Noah gasped at the scene. "Mike's fighting Mal for control of his body!" Noah realized.
\
Inside Mike's mind, Mal tackled Mike down as the latter struggled to get himself off of the evil alter.
"Look at you, so pitiful and pathetic!" Mal hissed viciously, "You were a fool to challenge me. It's not like your friends will ever forgive you for this. How will they see you now that they know I exist?"
Mike seemed to be in thought about Mal's words but chose not to let them get to him. "I won't let you win this!" Mike raised his foot to kick Mal in the kiwis, causing Mal to release him from his hold out of instinct.
Mike pushed Mal back and began punching him, trying to keep him down but Mal did not look like he was giving in.
\
Back at the top of the volcano, everyone was anxiously watching the fight unfold.
"What are we gonna do?!" Sadie said in horror.
Sky seemed to be in deep thought before smiling. "We have to rally Mike on! Show him that he's not alone in this!"
"I'm on it," Shawn nodded before speaking up. "Mike! It's me, Shawn! I just want to let you know that no one is mad at you about Mal's actions!"
"All of us are logical enough to separate Mal from Mike. It's just common sense!" Noah smiled encouragingly.
"We're all rooting for you to kick Mal's butt!" Eva added happily.
"We know you can do it," Ella encouraged.
"Mike! I just want you to know that you're my best friend and I can't imagine life without you! I know it may seem rough in there but please, we all have your back!" Sky said encouragingly.
\
Back in his mind, Mike smiled warmly as he heard this and Mal got up, all tattered and beaten. "Those nobodies… are idiots. I'm a part of you and they WILL see that!" Mal cried out in fury.
"You're wrong Mal! You may be a part of my mind, but everything you ever did was all you and no one else!" Mike spoke in determination.
"You always wanted me to rely on you. To make yourself feel important. That desire turned you bitter and hateful and led you to who you are today. You wanted me to feel scared and feel I needed you to be tough, but guess what? I have friends up there. Friends who have stuck by my side even when they learned my disorder before I could properly confess, friends who stuck by me even if they voted me off in season one for the others' behavior, and friends who still stay beside me despite everything you ever did to me!"
Mike's body began glowing white, and for the first time in Mal's life, he felt genuine fear in his eyes. "No… you can't do this to me. No one will ever cross you with me in charge," Mal pleaded desperately, "I'm a part of you."
Mike just narrowed his eyes. "That's true. I can't get rid of you, but I can seal you enough to where you can never cause this much trouble EVER AGAIN!"
Soon, Mike used his hands to shoot a powerful white blast which Mal tried to resist but in the end, it was hopeless and he was blasted into the deepest corners of Mike's mind.
"IT'S MY TIME!!!! MMMMIIIINNNNNEEEEEEE!" Mal cried out in horror as his voice faded into the distance.
Back at the volcano, Mike opened his eyes and grabbed his head. "Wh-Where am I?"
"Mike! He's back!" Ezekiel cried out happily before Topher stopped Ezekiel from going to help him up.
"Wait, this could be a trap," Topher said sternly.
"Let me try something," Duncan told the group before whistling 'In the Hall of the Mountain King,' and all he got was a blank stare from Mike.
"It's really me guys. I swear," Mike smiled encouragingly.
"Mike! You're back!" Sky cried out as she embraced the comedian, to which Shawn, Noah, Dawn, Ella, Sadie, Lindsay, and Cody were all quick to join in.
"Guys, I am so sorry about everything Mal did," Mike apologized profusely. "I should have told you all about him after last season, but I thought he was no longer a problem and-"
"It's okay. We know you never meant for this to happen," Shawn smiled at his friend.
"I promise. I won't forget to let you all know about my problems," Mike pledged.
"Great to have you back," Chris said with an unamused look on his face, "but can one of you toss your sacrifice in the volcano already?"
"The one next to you," Topher told Mike as Izzy dragged her dummy. "If you toss it in the lava before Izzy does, then you win the million dollars."
Mike and Izzy locked eyes, then he grabbed his dummy and both ran as fast as they could to the edge of the volcano.
Quickly forming a plan, Izzy slid to a stop and hurled her dummy. It flew through the sky like a bullet, and moments later, it soared into the lava unceremoniously, and aside from a small splash-back that the Peanut Gallery quickly dodged, nothing happened.
"Oh yes!!!" Izzy boomed. "I won! I won! I won!" she cheered, jumping up and down in glee.
"And that's a cool million for Izzy," Chris told the audience. "The winner of Total Drama World Tour!" The contestants all applauded and cheered for the winner.
"Way to go, Izzy!" Owen cheered out loud.
"Nice job, eh!" Ezekiel clapped his hands.
Chris opened up the briefcase for Izzy, who marveled at the dollar bills inside. "It's so beautiful!" she exclaimed as she took the briefcase and hugged it tightly.
"You worked hard for the money, Izzy," Mike said as he walked over to congratulate her. "I'm just glad to be back in control again."
"You're welcome, and stay you, Mike," Izzy shook hands with Mike.
"Ohh, you didn't throw any pineapples in the volcano, did you?" an unfamiliar voice asked, the camera panning right a little ways just as two elderly Hawaiian men in flowery skirts and leis walked up.
"There are signs everywhere!" the other said.
The camera cut to the Peanut Gallery all stepping away to show several signs with crossed-out pineapples on them.
"Oh yeah," Chris said blankly. "They really ruined the shot, so we put the human wall there."
A third old Hawaiian man came over to reveal another sign. "Don't you know what happens when pineapples meet lava?"
It was then that the volcano shook and rumbled, a long-distance shot of it showing a few reddish streaks forming along the outer edge of the crater.
"Uh-oh," Chris said, gaining the camera's attention as the volcano was shaking, "Didn't see that one coming. Anywho," he chuckled before taking a deep breath and yelling "RRRUUUUNNNNNN!"
The volcano was shown from a distance again, the smoke billowing from the top turning into a full-blown eruption of fire.
Back at the top, the three Hawaiian men went running back towards the path down, followed by Chris, Izzy, Mike, and the rest of the contestants as lava began to cover the screen.
It parted as the scene cut to the base of the volcano, the former contestants running and screaming across the beach as flaming rocks rained down from above and the lava took over the screen again.
"See you next season I guess," Chris said as the camera cut to him as fire continued to fall. "Maybe with a whole new cast, 'cause let's face it – these guys are probably gonna melt," he laughed.
"Until next time," the host said, his voiced strained as the scene cut to him standing up in front of the sky. "I'm Chris McLean, and this has been Total! Drama!" The camera zoomed out to reveal that him and Chef were now aboard the old Boat of Losers, but the host's outtro was interrupted by a sudden object. Both men looked up, and one of the rocks, entirely on fire, was shown rocketing towards the boat.
Chris and Chef ducked to either side as it landed, punching a hole in the ship with its crash. The Boat of Losers began to sink, and the rest of the cast treading water nearby laughed as the two adults went under.
Their mirth was short-lived, however, and quickly turned to terror and they swam away screaming as large flaming rocks started raining down upon them once again, and the footage cut to static.
(Roll the Credits)
\
(Bonus Clip)
The shot featured flaming rocks hitting the ocean and whatnot. The rocks caused some splashes, but they weren't big enough to fully cover the screen.
The camera panned to the right to show Ezekiel Clone on his raft. A big smile formed on his face as he drank his coconut and watched the lava explosion. Noticing the camera, he gave it a wave before it faded to black.
18th: Shawn
17th: Amy
16th: Lindsay
15th: Rodney
14th: Jo
Eliminated: Owen
13th: Duncan
12th: Sky
11th: Heather
10th: Cody
9th: Ella
8th: Noah
7th: Sadie
6th: Owen
5th: Eva
4th: Topher
3rd: Ezekiel
2nd: Mike
1st: Izzy

GO Battle League Season 15 is upon us, and along with it, our now-customary move rebalance! What's new, what's improved, what's good, bad, or ugly coming out the other side? Let's dive right in and see!
As per usual, Niantic has made us wait until the 11th hour for information on this coming season. (Thanks, Niantic... love you too! 😝) As is NOT usual for them of late, the rebalance taking place at the start of this new GBL season is massive, with no less than thirty three Pokémon being directly affected. Needless to say, this is going to be a lengthy analysis, so let's just dive right into it, shall we?

A FAIR WIND, OR GALE FORCE WINDS?

It might seem odd to lead off with a move given to only two new recipients, but CLEFABLE is no ordinary recipient. It has faded further and further into obscurity over time as other Fairies have risen up around it, having dropped out of the Top 5 Fairies in Ultra League and almost out of the Top 10 in Great League. It's still decently bulky, and still comes with the awesome Meteor Mash, which is not only cheaper than most charge moves found on various Charmers (that don't rhyme with "Aloe Van Pine Nails"), but is very widely unresisted and, critically in themed Cups where Clefable is eligible, super effective versus fellow Fairies, often delivering a knockout blow. The problem, of course, is that like other Charmers, you're unlikely to reach it in multiples, since Charm only generates a way below average 2.0 Energy Per Turn (EPT), tied for worst energy generation in the game. It also has Psychic for coverage, or Moonblast for big STAB damage, but the likelihood of reaching any of those in a critical spot is rather low since Charm is just SO slow to get there. So it has sat, languishing, as other interesting Charmers have come along and is now, at best, just part of a growing pack of similiar Pokémon.
That ALL changes with the addition of Fairy Wind and its 4.5 EPT. Not only does this allow it to finally break away from the pack and make its own unique mark, but it works REALLY well with its moves. Spamming a Meteor Mash every 6 seconds (or thanks to carryover energy, just 5 seconds between the second and third Mash) sounds pretty good to me! And indeed, as compared to Charm, you can see immediate improvement in Great League, with new wins against Noctowl (!!!), Azumarill, Froslass, Diggersby, Alolan Ninetales, and somehow even Fairy slayer Shadow Victreebel by slamming it with two Meteor Mashes. Even after all that, though, it remains underwater overall as far as win/loss record goes, though beating Medicham and Noctowl and all else that you'd expect of a good Fairy give it some great corebreaking potential.
For the eye-popping numbers, we actually turn to Ultra League, where Clef turns from this into this. Yes, that IS more than double its former win total (and a jump from under 30% winrate to now 60%!), with those new wins coming versus Walrein, A-Ninetales, Sylveon, Aurorus, Cobalion, Dubwool, Snorlax, Drapion, DDeoxys, and even resists-all-of-Clefable's-moves Escavalier! And if its relatively high XL cost is scaring you, fear not... you can build a hundo to 2499 CP and miss out only on Walrein and Greedent, for what that's worth. Put simply, Clefable is one of the biggest winners in this rebalance, moving from a previous rank of #145 in Open UL all the way up now to #28, with Tapu Fini being the only Fairy ranked higher!

• More of a footnote is TOGETIC, which now also learns Fairy Wind, and boy did it need that. Previously having to rely on the mostly awful Hidden Power (in which case you usually had to hope to get lucky with Flying type H.P.) or the subpar Extrasensory, it was left looking quite pitiful. But now, at least it could be spice in the right meta, maybe.
  
• WIGGLYTUFF did not get Fairy Wind, but it is receiving Disarming Voice, a move I've been wishing would be more widely distributed for years. A Fairy-type clone of moves like Psyshock, Magnet Bomb, and Foul Play, it's a more-than-passable move, and quietly the cheapest one that Fairy has available...15 less energy than Play Rough and Moonblast, and better Damage Per Energy {DPE} than the former. Anyway, seeing as Wigglytuff currently relies on Play Rough, Voice likely now slots in as its replacement for a little more shield pressure and new wins like Azumarill and Lickitung. The needle doesn't move too much, but the improvement is still appreciated!
  
• PRIMARINA also gets Voice, but it doesn't really help it... yet. Prima IS a little underrated in Master League, where its Water typing is much more help (resisting Ice, Fire, Water) than hindrance (very little Grass and Electric around to exploit it). But it won't really take off until it also eventually gets Hydro Cannon... sometime in 2025? At that point, it will appreciate having cheap Disarming Voice alongside Cannon more, I think.
  

LONG STORY SHORT, Fairy Wind Clefable is one of those rather rare overnight sensations that could see an immediate usage spike in Ultra League and as a nice corebreaker in Great League (the pickup against Noctowl really pushing it over the top). It really appreciates the extra energy to spam charge moves, and has just enough variety between Meteor Mash, Psychic (the move!), and Moonblast to keep the opponent guessing and shielding when they really don't want to. The other Fairies with new toys (Togetic and Wigglytuff especially) appreciate small bumps in performance, but are unlikely to suddenly appear where they weren't already.

DRILL RUNNIN' 🔥

As with Fairy Wind, there are only two new recipients of Drill Run, but both are very interesting.
We'll start with ALOLAN SANDSLASH. It sees some play already in both Great (including the Shadow variant and Ultra Leagues, usually with former Community Day move Shadow Claw to give it a unique profile, and spammy Ice Punch and typically Bulldoze for coverage. Bulldoze has excellent coverage (primarily versus Rocks, Steels, and Fires that give A-Slash a lot of trouble otherwise), but isn't a very good move (60 energy for only 80 damage). Drill Run is a strict upgrade, dealing the same 80 Ground-type damage for only 45 energy, a big savings.
Looking simply at simulation numbers, Drill Run doesn't seem to be a great improvement in Great or Ultra, with just occasional new wins popping up like UL Scizor or GL Alolan Marowak in certain shielding scenarios. But this goes beyond the numbers. Those who already use and love A-Slash will greatly appreciate the extra pressure that comes with Drill Run, as it can now be sprung for just 5 more energy than Ice Punch, making each shielding decision that much sweatier for the opponent. Even without STAB, Drill Run still deals quite a bit more damage than Ice Punch versus neutral targets, so this isn't just for strict coverage either. In every way, this makes Alolan Sandslash better, and better at covering its backside. I think players that don't already use A-Slash may come to better appreciate and respect it now too, and perhaps not just in Limited metas!
Perhaps even more interesting (and, frankly, unexpected) is DEWGONG, the poor WateIce type that has NEVER had a move rebalance other than taking its two best moves (Ice Shard and Icy Wind) away. Niantic has finally given it a LOT of love in this update, with Drill Run providing new coverage, and new move Liquidation finally giving it a viable Water move too. (Water Pulse and Aqua Jet are both terrible, folks... so much so that I've always recommended Blizzard as Dewgong's second move. For example, did you know that it tends to lose to Alolan Marowak with super effective Pulse but actually wins with resisted Blizzard?!) Anyway, I do think you want to definitely keep Icy Wind, so then your choice becomes Drill Run to have a shot at things like Froslass, Toxicroak, Lanturn (with Water Gun), and the aforementioned Alolan Marowak, or Liquidation to better outrace Skarmory and Alolan Ninetales? Either way, you get things like Azumarill and Dunsparce now, and still beat things that don't show in those sims like Swampert and Sableye by remaining fully commited to Icy Wind spam. And while you don't see a lot of new Rock or Steel or Fire wins popping up, Drill Run especially gives them all serious pause, forcing them to shield where they really never had to worry about it much before. (Because, again, Water Pulse is awful.)
So not really a great case for Liquidation here, but this is at least a way to transition into covering that move more fully next!
LONG STORY SHORT, both Dewgong and Alolan Sandslash immediately get better (and get better coverage) with Drill Run in the mix. I think it will be their preferred secondary/closing move going forward, and both will see a bump in play.

LIQUIDATION... GOING OUT OF BUSINESS ALREADY?

So about that new move Liquidation. It's a good if not fantastic move, an exact clone of Crunch... same cost (45 energy), damage (70), and potential debuff (30% chance to reduce the opponent's Defense). Not game breaking, but very, very solid.
But the real question is... do any of the things that recieve it really want it, and if so, do any of them notably improve in PvP?
I'm gonna save you some time (and me some characters!) by immediately pushing many of its recipients right off the raft.

• I think CLOYSTER actually prefers to hold on to a big closer like Hydro Pump rather than Liquidation, preferring to soften things up with Icy Wind and then go in for the kill. Pass.
  
• Similarly, all of the following prefer to keep existing movesets: SAMUROTT (Hydro Cannon/Megahorn), CARRACOSTA (Body Slam/Surf), BEARTIC (Ice Punch/Aqua Tail), EELEKTROSS (Dragon Claw/Crunch). All remain fringe at best.
  
• VAPOREON basically views Liquidation as a sidegrade to existing Scald, though Liquidation is NOT Legacy as Scald is, so it's worth it for any Vapes that don't have its old Community Day move. But Vaporeon remains mostly on the outside looking in at better Water types in various Leagues. No real boost here.
  
• GOLDUCK sees a slight bump with Liquidation, but remains just a spice play, at best.
  
• There is a reason you have never seen FLOATZEL in PvP... it has terrible charge moves. Bad, bad moves like Swift and Aqua Jet, with Hydro Pump as a passable closer but stymied due to average-at-best energy gains from Water Gun or Waterfall. Liquidation is in some ways just what the doctor ordered, but uh... Floatzel still sinks in PvP.
  
• ARMALDO remains a lost cause as well. If you want a GOOD Rocky Bug, use Crustle. If you want a spice one, go with the new Kleavor. If you want to just tank your ELO, THEN maybe consider Armaldo. That's about it though, even with the new move.
  

Man, quite a bummer, right? Decent move, but really nothing that gets it stands to benefit in a way that will impact PvP. So moving on then to... wait, what? I missed one? Oh... OH! So I did. And thankfully, we can end this section on a good note... because GOLISOPOD just became a bit more interesting.
Remember that when it was first released, it was a completely lost cause, with Fury Cutter, Metal Claw, and Waterfall as its clumsy fast moves, and underwhelming X-Scissor, **Aerial Ace, and somehow even worse Aqua Jet as its only charge moves. That left it in a very sad state. Eventually, it acquired Shadow Claw, which made it at least slightly interesting. And now comes the charge move it's been begging for, with Liquidation elevating it into spice territory, at the very least. Now you can potentially beat things like Charizard, Nidoqueen, Alolan Sandslash, Alolan Ninetales (Powder Snow), Talonflame, Cobalion, and Sylveon that you couldn't before, though even as bad as Aerial Ace is, giving it up means you generally now lose some Grasses like Venusaur and Virizion. Still though, things are looking up for Golisopod!
LONG STORY SHORT, while Liquidation is actually a nice addition to Water's arsenal (a clone of Crunch, including the debuff chance), the only thing that gets it initially that really looks to benefit is Golisopod. Stay tuned to what may get it down the road, though... most of its current recipients just have more problems than Liquidation alone can solve.

THE LEAF AGE BEGINS?

Probably haven't seen Bullet Punch in PvP much, have you? Scizor and Metagross use it, and uh... that's about the extent of it. But it's actually a pretty good PvP fast move, with the average 3.0 Damage Per Turn (DPT) but above average energy generation (3.5 EPT). And now here comes Leafage, an exact clone of Bullet Punch for the Grass typing. The number of things that get it is quite a bit smaller than Liquidation (only three evolutionary lines), but I think this is a clear case of quality over quantity in Leafage's favor.

• I could write an entire article on the injustices done to DECIDUEYE in Pokémon GO. All its interesting moves in MSG, and here it sits with underpowered Shadow Sneak, overpriced Energy Ball, and big but risky closer Brave Bird, and all locked behind low-energy Razor Leaf or arguably worst fast move in the game Astonish. #JusticeForDecidueye! While I do still hope for an eventual and LONG overdue buff to Astonish, for now the addition of Leafage should be a big help, right? Weeeeeeeell..... I mean, yes, it is most certainly better, and will become even a bit moreso when it eventually gets Frenzy Plant. But clearly, it's problems are not JUST the fast moves. Heck, pre-evolution DARTRIX (who has also been trapped behind Razor Leaf) even looks better than Deci in the here and now, thanks in large part to having Seed Bomb as a more workable second charge move to set up Brave Bird. It does seem that even though ROWLETT also gets Leafage, it may still prefer to keep existing Razor Leaf down in Little League, where Razor Leaf can admittedly be particularly dominant.
  
• LURANTIS (and Little League pre-evolution FOMANTIS) operates nicely right now as sort of a Jack of all trades with Fury Cutter (and its Bug damage output) powering up Leaf Blade and Superpower (well, Grass Knot in Fomantis' case). Superpower allows for some nutty wins like Bastiodon, Galarian Stunfisk, and excecuted properly, even Registeel, clearly showing Lurantis' appeal. So does Leafage help or disrupt the good Lurantis has already got going? Eh, I think we're gonna call it a sidegrade, though a tasty one for sure. Lurantis does give up a couple things where the effectiveness of Fury Cutter wins the day (Cresselia, Shadow Victreebel) and loses a little speed, which flips Shadow Alolan Sandslash to a loss. (Luratnis cannot hit a Leaf Blade AND followon Superpower in time with Leafage like it can with Fury Cutter.) But Leafage is able to carve out new wins like Shadow Alolan Ninetales and Pelipper with superior neutral fast move damage (as opposed to resisted Bug damage), and also can outrace Walrein far more reliably. So not an upgrade, but a nice sidegrade like this can add some disruption into appropriate metas just fine.
  
• Speaking of disruption, let's check out ABOMASNOW. Obviously it runs more as an Ice than a Grass, humming along nicely in multiple metas with Powder Snow and Weather Ball (Ice) and Energy Ball for a big Grass closer when the situation calls for it. And more than likely, it will mostly continue in that configuration moving forward. BUT, Leafage may be preferred in certain metas now, at least, and not just because it now slams the door on Water types (instead of sometimes merely scraping by with Powder Snow). In Great League, where ShadowBama is usually preferred, Powder Snow continues to shine out, but it's worth noting that while Leafage is an overall downgrade, most of the wins it gives up are versus Flyers (Altaria, Noctowl, Skarmory, Mandibuzz), with new losses to Umbreon and Venusaur as the most notable exceptions. Leafage DOES make some new key contributions like Powder Alolan Ninetales and Galarian Stunfisk that may come more to the fore in Limited metas with, say, fewer Flyers? Just saying. In Ultra League, the biggest knock against Leafage is that it drops the Giratinas (as compared to Powder Snow), but otherwise Leafage makes a pretty strong case with pickups of Poliwrath, Walrein, and Alolan Ninetales (with Powder Snow OR Charm). I think Leafage deserves some real consideration at Ultra League level!
  

LONG STORY SHORT, no huge improvements to be found with Leafage, but it does earn a rightful place as a robust sidegrade consideration for the Lurantis and Abomasnow lines (particularly with Ultra League Aboma). It's an upgrade for the Rowlett/Dartrix/Decidueye line, though Deci itself remains middling at best until it one day gets Frenzy Plant (or just some more synergistic charge moves in general!). Leafage SHOULD start popping up here and there in PvP soon, moreso than Liquidation likely will.

JUST A BRUSH FIRE, REALLY

Honestly, I expected a number of things to get Mystical Fire after it recently entered the game, but for now, Niantic chose to distribute it to only two new Pokémon:

• As I mentioned in my analysis on Mystical Fire back during Delphox Community Day, DRIFBLIM is an intriguing choice. Mystical Fire and existing Blim coverage move Icy Wind share the same stats aside from typing, so this is almost the very definition of sidegrade... against neutral targets they do the exact same thing, so it just comes down to effectiveness. If Blim is facing something burnable (like a Steel, Ice, or Bug type), it will prefer to have Mystical Fire. For things weak to Ice, like Flyers and Dragons and Grounds, obviously it will want to be packing Icy Wind instead. (Grasses are weak to both Fire and Ice, so usually no change there, aside from things like Abomasnow with a subtyping that favors one or the other... in that case, Mystical Fire is double super effective and Icy Wind is merely neutral.) I'm not going to bother with the sims, as they're close to indistinguishable at a high level, but I WILL note that Mystical Fire can potentially beat Galarian Stunfisk at Ultra League level, and more definitely beats G-Fisk AND A-Slash, Skarmory, and even Registeel at Great League level, none of which Icy Wind can realistically hope to replicate. (Its only standouts are things like Gliscor.) Yes, giving up Icy Wind means completely abandoning hope versus things like Ghost-resistant Pidgeot and especially Noctowl, but overall? I think Drifblim might be getting much hotter soon, in several senses of the word! 🔥
  
• Not nearly as exciting, I admit, but note that LITWICK also gets Mystical Fire. It's really only for Little League use, and has been an interesting but lesser-used Fire type, falling behind things like Vulpix, Growlithe, and Tepig thanks to them having some good neutral coverage, while Litwick has been stuck with just Flame Charge and two other rather Fire charge moves. Mystical Fire slots in as a nearly straight upgrade with pickups that include Wynaut, Vullaby, Obstagoon (for LL Cups where it's allowed), and... Vulpix, regardless of which fast move 'Pix is using. Something to look forward to in the next Little League rotation!
  

LONG STORY SHORT, Mystical Fire IS likely the default coverage move of choice for Drifblim going forward, just because of the number of burnable things (as opposed to freezeable things) in its respective metas, Great League especially. Except to see Blim soar up a little higher than it has in a while. It's also a nice upgrade for Litwick, who should finally emerge as a true Fire contender in Little League formats.

ODDS AND ENDS

Going to put everything else together in this last main section, but don't mistake that to mean they're less important... quite the contrary! Just doing this because these are all one-offs, as opposed to the changes above which directly affected multiple Pokémon recipients.
Before I dive into the specific move additions, let's briefly review the existing moves that are being buffed or nerfed in this update.

• Icicle Spear - 60 power → 65 power. Obviously this only affects WALREIN (for now), and is obviously a strict upgrade, since the cost and all else remains the same, just more damage. Specifically, at a high level, I see Walrein picking up things like Skarmory and Umbreon (non-Shadow) and Trevenant, Pelipper, and Azumarill (Shadow) in Great League, and stuff like Shadow Alolan Ninetales and Virizion in Ultra League. So yeah... you didn't need me to tell you this was an improvement, but maybe that helps you decide how much of an improvement and whether you want to turn back to Wally if you ever turned away before. I'd say Great League in particular has reason to fear it a bit more again.
  
• Poison Fang - 40 power → 45 power. More things affected by this than Icicle Spear, but obviously most of you just want to know about NIDOQUEEN, so in the interest of time and... well, interest, we'll just highlight her for now. Again, you don't need me to tell you this only makes things with Poison Fang better, but HOW much better? Honestly not too much changes in Great League (as far as straight wins a losses go, though this is undoubtedly scarier now!), but in Ultra League, I see new wins for Queen versus things like Charizard, Pidgeot, Cresselia, Dubwool, Obstagoon, AND Guzzlord, among others, so this is no small tweak! Might Nidoqueen be "back"? Only time will tell. Admittedly, what made it SO scary in the past was the cheaper cost of Poison Fang, and that hasn't changed, so I don't see it returning to full dominance like she once enjoyed. I also think she was treated rather harshly even before this buff... she didn't fall off quite as hard as many made it out to be. This will reveal that more fully... she's not so much "back" as much as I think she never really left. Also keep in mind things like GOLBAT/CROBAT and SALAZZLE/SALANDIT** that stand to benefit from this as well!
  
• Rollout - 4 power → 5 power. So low power that I can tell you this won't be a big shift, but obviously it DOES help. DUNSPARCE picks up a potential win over Shadow Alolan Ninetales (hey, Rollout is super effective, so....), and MILTANK a new win versus Shadow Swampert, of all things, and sometimes (Water Gun) Lanturn when utilizing Ice Beam instead of my personal recommendation of Thunderbolt (which beats Lanturn as well). It tends to prefer Tackle in Ultra League, though newly buffed Rollout is MUCH improved now with new wins versus Cresselia, Drapion, Umbreon, Alolan Muk, AND Walrein. Perhaps Tackle won't be the default now? As for ALOLAN GOLEM, Volt Switch just remains a much better move in nearly every scenario and meta. Stick with that, I say, and get all the Rock damage you need from the charge moves instead. 🪨
  
• Mud Bomb - 55 power → 60 power. The two big ones that come to mind are TOXICROAK and WHISCASH, the latter of which honestly needed a boost like this. However, this small a bump looks and feels like more of a "win more" where they already won more than anything. The only notable new win I see (at the high level this massive rebalance is demanding of little old me!) is Toxicroak versus Trevenant, though I think that's more due to Trevenant's nerf (which we'll get to in a moment) than Toxicroak's resisted Mud Bomb dealing a tiny bit more damage. (And upon further review, it may be neither of those and instead just come down to move timing.. but leaving Trevor in here as it's a good setup for later.) The big winner here is actually QUAGSIRE, who FINALLY gets a charge move cheaper than 55 energy to reach the same spam potential as its fellow Mud Boys. It's hard to show how this improves things in simulations, as they actually tend to favor Earthquake in many situations (such as in 1v1 shielding, where Quake shows additional wins against things like Azu, Sable, Swampert, and Umbreon), but the difference is more obvious when you go 2v2 shielding, and the extra spam of Mud Bomb shows out with new wins that include Froslass, Jellicent, Toxicroak, Shadow Alolan Ninetales, and Shadow Walrein. I actually don't know if this will actually bump up Quagsire's useage or not, though it's shot up about 60 slots to #15 in PvPoke's rankings. Not sure if that will match reality, but I DO think it's time to see if you have a good PvP Quag to perhaps take out for a spin and see. It certainly has some exciting new potential it's never had before!
  
• Seed Bomb - 55 power → 60 power, Energy Cost Increased. The only thing on this list that's not a straight upgrade, getting the same damage boost as Mud Bomb but increased cost to go with it... mostly, I feel, as a backdoor way to bring Trevenant down a bit. (And indeed, PvPoke has dropped Trev 25 slots from #10 to #35 in Ultra League, and down nearly 70 slots in Great League from Top 10 to outside the Top 70!) I certainly don't think Trevor will be going away -- it still breaks several cores across multiple Leagues -- but this is undoubtedly a hit. In Great League, it looks like it's now at a disadvantage against things it used to be able to beat like Walrein, Talonflame, Alolan Marowak, Sableye, and even Toxicroak. The hit is a bit less severe in Ultra League (where it can hang in longer to somewhat compensate for the increased energy needed), but it does still lose former wins like Jellicent and the re-buffed Nidoqueen. Most of the rest of the collateral damage will be felt in Little League, where several notable things have Seed Bomb (like Bulbasaur, Exeggcute, Oddish, etc.). Note much of note in bigger Leagues, though it IS noteworthy that WHIMSICOTT is getting Seed Bomb for the first time. And yes, I think it DOES become the favorite in most circumstances over existing Grass Knot, despite the latter being a "better" move (50 energy for 90 damage) and using that to get a couple unique wins still like Diggersby and Lickitung, because Seed Bomb brings new bait potential to set up big Moonblast wins over Cresselia, Pelipper, Toxicroak, Vigoroth, and Trevenant. Not sure Whimsie is suddenly going to bust out in Open Great League or anything, but I think it's very safe to say it just became a bit scarier and more versatile in Limited metas for sure.
  

And there are all the actual move "rebalances". Now to wrap it up real quick with a final list of existing moves now assigned to new Pokémon!

• PROBOPASS is in some ways similar to Defense Deoxys, in that it has long had three charge moves that seemed almost interchangeable in overall performance. Rock Slide is pretty standard for Probo, and most folks also run it with Thunderbolt, but it's so lackluster than even Magnet Bomb has always hung around as a viable alternative. Well that changes now, as its bulk allows it to make good use of new addition Zap Cannon. I think it and Rock Slide are the new standard, along with Spark to power them out, and that combo brings in new wins over Sableye and Umbreon, along with wider margins of victory over things it just scraped past before like Cresselia and Bastiodon. Probo used to escape them both with less than 10 HP, but now waddles away with quite a bit more than that. Not sure if this will send it up the charts (Bastiodon itself is still usually preferred), but it IS a more intriguing alternative now.
  
• Speaking of funky Rock types, HEATRAN can learn Earth Power now! But uh... you still don't want it, sorry. At least give it Incinerate, Niantic... c'mon!
  
• A MUCH more interesting Rock type is CRADILY, now getting some more speed with Rock Slide as a new alternative to Stone Edge. In my first blush analysis on the day of these many announced changes, I speculated that Cradily may want both Rock charge moves going forward, as it still beat things like Lanturn and even Swampert without needing Grass Knot. But in hindsight... nah, I think you want to instead just swap out Edge for Slide and be done with it. Keeping this short and sweet, here are some of my findings when comparing these side by side (by side): Grass Knot is absolutely needed to beat Diggersby, and is obviously the surest way to beat Waters and Ground (and/or Rock) types in general (including having ANY shot at beating up things like Galarian Stunfisk and Bastiodon). The raw power of Stone Edge is still the best way to punch out things like Alolan Ninetales, Lickitung, and Shadow Victreebel. But the speed of Rock Slide (10 less energy than Edge) adds the potential to now handle stuff like Cresselia, Alolan Marowak, Sableye, Venusaur, and most notably, Noctowl. That's right... Cradily now becomes a handy way to handle Lanturn AND Noctowl, among many others, and can also beat popular Sableye as well. Corebreaker potential on the rise. Dilly dilly!
  
• Look, URSALUNA continues to disappoint and likely always will until it gets a better fast move than Tackle. I know it, you know it, basically everyone but Niantic (and maybe TPCi) knows it. But as I wrote when Luna was first released, Ice Punch at least gives it the most bite of the three main elemental Punches, and until now it was the only one Ursaluna could not learn. Now it can! That gives it a bit more reach in Master League (the one League where it currently has any real play at all) with all the Dragons already. Specifically, Ice Punch allows it to now consistently beat Garchomp and Landorus, so that's nice. But come on, Niantic. Give the people what they want!.
  
• Let's be honest: the addition of Brutal Swing to the arsenal of TYRANITAR is more a cause of celebration for raiding than it is for PvP. (New top Dark type in PvE, I hear!) But yes, it DOES help in PvP too. Tyranitar has the size to work in Master League, but even with Brutal Swing, it's still an awkward fit. The one place I have seen it pop up here and there is actually in Great League, albeit in Limited metas only. While those opportunities are relatively rare, I am happy to report that Brutal Swing is a noted improvement over former best Crunch, adding on wins you would expect of a Dark type (Sableye, Cofagrigus, Jellicent) and a few you might not expect (Drapion, Toxapex, and finally it can beat Altaria!). Still more niche than meta, but at least it's an improving niche!
  
• And finally, we come to humble little EMOLGA, and the first non-Community Day recipient of Acrobatics. Long-time (or even some short-time!) readers have surely seen me write many times about Aerial Ace. It's a passable move -- barely -- dealing 55 damage for 45 energy. Boooooring, but it usually works JUST enough to not be total trash. It's a move I would LOVE to see buffed a little at some point, but it's also a move currently assigned to a massive number of Pokémon, and unlikely to change unless Niantic wants to REALLY shake up PvP. And like way too many Pokémon, poor Emolga has long been stuck with dull old Ace as its only Flying move, leaving what should be an exciting option languishing in obscurity. But now, finally, this mighty mouse may be about to soar! Just look at the HUGE names it can now beat: Medicham. Lickitung. Sableye. Shadow Swampert. Trevenant. Shadow Alolan Ninetales. And Cresselia and even Froslass for good measure. Those are some really big names, folks. Did Emolga just go from being afterthought behind Zapdos to passing it completely? I think it may have! If, like me, you've been holding on to a good one and just biding your time... well, that time is now, my friend! ⚡
  

Speaking of time, though... it's up! The new season is here! So we're gonna wrap it up right here for now. I hope this was as helpful a read as it was LONG. 🙃
Until next time, you can find me on Twitter or Patreon. Or please feel free to comment here with your own thoughts or questions and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!
Stay safe out there, Pokéfriends. Best of luck this season, and catch you next time!

GO Battle League Season 15 is upon us, and along with it, our now-customary move rebalance! What's new, what's improved, what's good, bad, or ugly coming out the other side? Let's dive right in and see!
As per usual, Niantic has made us wait until the 11th hour for information on this coming season. (Thanks, Niantic... love you too! 😝) As is NOT usual for them of late, the rebalance taking place at the start of this new GBL season is massive, with no less than thirty three Pokémon being directly affected. Needless to say, this is going to be a lengthy analysis, so let's just dive right into it, shall we?

A FAIR WIND, OR GALE FORCE WINDS?

It might seem odd to lead off with a move given to only two new recipients, but CLEFABLE is no ordinary recipient. It has faded further and further into obscurity over time as other Fairies have risen up around it, having dropped out of the Top 5 Fairies in Ultra League and almost out of the Top 10 in Great League. It's still decently bulky, and still comes with the awesome Meteor Mash, which is not only cheaper than most charge moves found on various Charmers (that don't rhyme with "Aloe Van Pine Nails"), but is very widely unresisted and, critically in themed Cups where Clefable is eligible, super effective versus fellow Fairies, often delivering a knockout blow. The problem, of course, is that like other Charmers, you're unlikely to reach it in multiples, since Charm only generates a way below average 2.0 Energy Per Turn (EPT), tied for worst energy generation in the game. It also has Psychic for coverage, or Moonblast for big STAB damage, but the likelihood of reaching any of those in a critical spot is rather low since Charm is just SO slow to get there. So it has sat, languishing, as other interesting Charmers have come along and is now, at best, just part of a growing pack of similiar Pokémon.
That ALL changes with the addition of Fairy Wind and its 4.5 EPT. Not only does this allow it to finally break away from the pack and make its own unique mark, but it works REALLY well with its moves. Spamming a Meteor Mash every 6 seconds (or thanks to carryover energy, just 5 seconds between the second and third Mash) sounds pretty good to me! And indeed, as compared to Charm, you can see immediate improvement in Great League, with new wins against Noctowl (!!!), Azumarill, Froslass, Diggersby, Alolan Ninetales, and somehow even Fairy slayer Shadow Victreebel by slamming it with two Meteor Mashes. Even after all that, though, it remains underwater overall as far as win/loss record goes, though beating Medicham and Noctowl and all else that you'd expect of a good Fairy give it some great corebreaking potential.
For the eye-popping numbers, we actually turn to Ultra League, where Clef turns from this into this. Yes, that IS more than double its former win total (and a jump from under 30% winrate to now 60%!), with those new wins coming versus Walrein, A-Ninetales, Sylveon, Aurorus, Cobalion, Dubwool, Snorlax, Drapion, DDeoxys, and even resists-all-of-Clefable's-moves Escavalier! And if its relatively high XL cost is scaring you, fear not... you can build a hundo to 2499 CP and miss out only on Walrein and Greedent, for what that's worth. Put simply, Clefable is one of the biggest winners in this rebalance, moving from a previous rank of #145 in Open UL all the way up now to #28, with Tapu Fini being the only Fairy ranked higher!

• More of a footnote is TOGETIC, which now also learns Fairy Wind, and boy did it need that. Previously having to rely on the mostly awful Hidden Power (in which case you usually had to hope to get lucky with Flying type H.P.) or the subpar Extrasensory, it was left looking quite pitiful. But now, at least it could be spice in the right meta, maybe.
  
• WIGGLYTUFF did not get Fairy Wind, but it is receiving Disarming Voice, a move I've been wishing would be more widely distributed for years. A Fairy-type clone of moves like Psyshock, Magnet Bomb, and Foul Play, it's a more-than-passable move, and quietly the cheapest one that Fairy has available...15 less energy than Play Rough and Moonblast, and better Damage Per Energy {DPE} than the former. Anyway, seeing as Wigglytuff currently relies on Play Rough, Voice likely now slots in as its replacement for a little more shield pressure and new wins like Azumarill and Lickitung. The needle doesn't move too much, but the improvement is still appreciated!
  
• PRIMARINA also gets Voice, but it doesn't really help it... yet. Prima IS a little underrated in Master League, where its Water typing is much more help (resisting Ice, Fire, Water) than hindrance (very little Grass and Electric around to exploit it). But it won't really take off until it also eventually gets Hydro Cannon... sometime in 2025? At that point, it will appreciate having cheap Disarming Voice alongside Cannon more, I think.
  

LONG STORY SHORT, Fairy Wind Clefable is one of those rather rare overnight sensations that could see an immediate usage spike in Ultra League and as a nice corebreaker in Great League (the pickup against Noctowl really pushing it over the top). It really appreciates the extra energy to spam charge moves, and has just enough variety between Meteor Mash, Psychic (the move!), and Moonblast to keep the opponent guessing and shielding when they really don't want to. The other Fairies with new toys (Togetic and Wigglytuff especially) appreciate small bumps in performance, but are unlikely to suddenly appear where they weren't already.

DRILL RUNNIN' 🔥

As with Fairy Wind, there are only two new recipients of Drill Run, but both are very interesting.
We'll start with ALOLAN SANDSLASH. It sees some play already in both Great (including the Shadow variant and Ultra Leagues, usually with former Community Day move Shadow Claw to give it a unique profile, and spammy Ice Punch and typically Bulldoze for coverage. Bulldoze has excellent coverage (primarily versus Rocks, Steels, and Fires that give A-Slash a lot of trouble otherwise), but isn't a very good move (60 energy for only 80 damage). Drill Run is a strict upgrade, dealing the same 80 Ground-type damage for only 45 energy, a big savings.
Looking simply at simulation numbers, Drill Run doesn't seem to be a great improvement in Great or Ultra, with just occasional new wins popping up like UL Scizor or GL Alolan Marowak in certain shielding scenarios. But this goes beyond the numbers. Those who already use and love A-Slash will greatly appreciate the extra pressure that comes with Drill Run, as it can now be sprung for just 5 more energy than Ice Punch, making each shielding decision that much sweatier for the opponent. Even without STAB, Drill Run still deals quite a bit more damage than Ice Punch versus neutral targets, so this isn't just for strict coverage either. In every way, this makes Alolan Sandslash better, and better at covering its backside. I think players that don't already use A-Slash may come to better appreciate and respect it now too, and perhaps not just in Limited metas!
Perhaps even more interesting (and, frankly, unexpected) is DEWGONG, the poor WateIce type that has NEVER had a move rebalance other than taking its two best moves (Ice Shard and Icy Wind) away. Niantic has finally given it a LOT of love in this update, with Drill Run providing new coverage, and new move Liquidation finally giving it a viable Water move too. (Water Pulse and Aqua Jet are both terrible, folks... so much so that I've always recommended Blizzard as Dewgong's second move. For example, did you know that it tends to lose to Alolan Marowak with super effective Pulse but actually wins with resisted Blizzard?!) Anyway, I do think you want to definitely keep Icy Wind, so then your choice becomes Drill Run to have a shot at things like Froslass, Toxicroak, Lanturn (with Water Gun), and the aforementioned Alolan Marowak, or Liquidation to better outrace Skarmory and Alolan Ninetales? Either way, you get things like Azumarill and Dunsparce now, and still beat things that don't show in those sims like Swampert and Sableye by remaining fully commited to Icy Wind spam. And while you don't see a lot of new Rock or Steel or Fire wins popping up, Drill Run especially gives them all serious pause, forcing them to shield where they really never had to worry about it much before. (Because, again, Water Pulse is awful.)
So not really a great case for Liquidation here, but this is at least a way to transition into covering that move more fully next!
LONG STORY SHORT, both Dewgong and Alolan Sandslash immediately get better (and get better coverage) with Drill Run in the mix. I think it will be their preferred secondary/closing move going forward, and both will see a bump in play.

LIQUIDATION... GOING OUT OF BUSINESS ALREADY?

So about that new move Liquidation. It's a good if not fantastic move, an exact clone of Crunch... same cost (45 energy), damage (70), and potential debuff (30% chance to reduce the opponent's Defense). Not game breaking, but very, very solid.
But the real question is... do any of the things that recieve it really want it, and if so, do any of them notably improve in PvP?
I'm gonna save you some time (and me some characters!) by immediately pushing many of its recipients right off the raft.

• I think CLOYSTER actually prefers to hold on to a big closer like Hydro Pump rather than Liquidation, preferring to soften things up with Icy Wind and then go in for the kill. Pass.
  
• Similarly, all of the following prefer to keep existing movesets: SAMUROTT (Hydro Cannon/Megahorn), CARRACOSTA (Body Slam/Surf), BEARTIC (Ice Punch/Aqua Tail), EELEKTROSS (Dragon Claw/Crunch). All remain fringe at best.
  
• VAPOREON basically views Liquidation as a sidegrade to existing Scald, though Liquidation is NOT Legacy as Scald is, so it's worth it for any Vapes that don't have its old Community Day move. But Vaporeon remains mostly on the outside looking in at better Water types in various Leagues. No real boost here.
  
• GOLDUCK sees a slight bump with Liquidation, but remains just a spice play, at best.
  
• There is a reason you have never seen FLOATZEL in PvP... it has terrible charge moves. Bad, bad moves like Swift and Aqua Jet, with Hydro Pump as a passable closer but stymied due to average-at-best energy gains from Water Gun or Waterfall. Liquidation is in some ways just what the doctor ordered, but uh... Floatzel still sinks in PvP.
  
• ARMALDO remains a lost cause as well. If you want a GOOD Rocky Bug, use Crustle. If you want a spice one, go with the new Kleavor. If you want to just tank your ELO, THEN maybe consider Armaldo. That's about it though, even with the new move.
  

Man, quite a bummer, right? Decent move, but really nothing that gets it stands to benefit in a way that will impact PvP. So moving on then to... wait, what? I missed one? Oh... OH! So I did. And thankfully, we can end this section on a good note... because GOLISOPOD just became a bit more interesting.
Remember that when it was first released, it was a completely lost cause, with Fury Cutter, Metal Claw, and Waterfall as its clumsy fast moves, and underwhelming X-Scissor, **Aerial Ace, and somehow even worse Aqua Jet as its only charge moves. That left it in a very sad state. Eventually, it acquired Shadow Claw, which made it at least slightly interesting. And now comes the charge move it's been begging for, with Liquidation elevating it into spice territory, at the very least. Now you can potentially beat things like Charizard, Nidoqueen, Alolan Sandslash, Alolan Ninetales (Powder Snow), Talonflame, Cobalion, and Sylveon that you couldn't before, though even as bad as Aerial Ace is, giving it up means you generally now lose some Grasses like Venusaur and Virizion. Still though, things are looking up for Golisopod!
LONG STORY SHORT, while Liquidation is actually a nice addition to Water's arsenal (a clone of Crunch, including the debuff chance), the only thing that gets it initially that really looks to benefit is Golisopod. Stay tuned to what may get it down the road, though... most of its current recipients just have more problems than Liquidation alone can solve.

THE LEAF AGE BEGINS?

Probably haven't seen Bullet Punch in PvP much, have you? Scizor and Metagross use it, and uh... that's about the extent of it. But it's actually a pretty good PvP fast move, with the average 3.0 Damage Per Turn (DPT) but above average energy generation (3.5 EPT). And now here comes Leafage, an exact clone of Bullet Punch for the Grass typing. The number of things that get it is quite a bit smaller than Liquidation (only three evolutionary lines), but I think this is a clear case of quality over quantity in Leafage's favor.

• I could write an entire article on the injustices done to DECIDUEYE in Pokémon GO. All its interesting moves in MSG, and here it sits with underpowered Shadow Sneak, overpriced Energy Ball, and big but risky closer Brave Bird, and all locked behind low-energy Razor Leaf or arguably worst fast move in the game Astonish. #JusticeForDecidueye! While I do still hope for an eventual and LONG overdue buff to Astonish, for now the addition of Leafage should be a big help, right? Weeeeeeeell..... I mean, yes, it is most certainly better, and will become even a bit moreso when it eventually gets Frenzy Plant. But clearly, it's problems are not JUST the fast moves. Heck, pre-evolution DARTRIX (who has also been trapped behind Razor Leaf) even looks better than Deci in the here and now, thanks in large part to having Seed Bomb as a more workable second charge move to set up Brave Bird. It does seem that even though ROWLETT also gets Leafage, it may still prefer to keep existing Razor Leaf down in Little League, where Razor Leaf can admittedly be particularly dominant.
  
• LURANTIS (and Little League pre-evolution FOMANTIS) operates nicely right now as sort of a Jack of all trades with Fury Cutter (and its Bug damage output) powering up Leaf Blade and Superpower (well, Grass Knot in Fomantis' case). Superpower allows for some nutty wins like Bastiodon, Galarian Stunfisk, and excecuted properly, even Registeel, clearly showing Lurantis' appeal. So does Leafage help or disrupt the good Lurantis has already got going? Eh, I think we're gonna call it a sidegrade, though a tasty one for sure. Lurantis does give up a couple things where the effectiveness of Fury Cutter wins the day (Cresselia, Shadow Victreebel) and loses a little speed, which flips Shadow Alolan Sandslash to a loss. (Luratnis cannot hit a Leaf Blade AND followon Superpower in time with Leafage like it can with Fury Cutter.) But Leafage is able to carve out new wins like Shadow Alolan Ninetales and Pelipper with superior neutral fast move damage (as opposed to resisted Bug damage), and also can outrace Walrein far more reliably. So not an upgrade, but a nice sidegrade like this can add some disruption into appropriate metas just fine.
  
• Speaking of disruption, let's check out ABOMASNOW. Obviously it runs more as an Ice than a Grass, humming along nicely in multiple metas with Powder Snow and Weather Ball (Ice) and Energy Ball for a big Grass closer when the situation calls for it. And more than likely, it will mostly continue in that configuration moving forward. BUT, Leafage may be preferred in certain metas now, at least, and not just because it now slams the door on Water types (instead of sometimes merely scraping by with Powder Snow). In Great League, where ShadowBama is usually preferred, Powder Snow continues to shine out, but it's worth noting that while Leafage is an overall downgrade, most of the wins it gives up are versus Flyers (Altaria, Noctowl, Skarmory, Mandibuzz), with new losses to Umbreon and Venusaur as the most notable exceptions. Leafage DOES make some new key contributions like Powder Alolan Ninetales and Galarian Stunfisk that may come more to the fore in Limited metas with, say, fewer Flyers? Just saying. In Ultra League, the biggest knock against Leafage is that it drops the Giratinas (as compared to Powder Snow), but otherwise Leafage makes a pretty strong case with pickups of Poliwrath, Walrein, and Alolan Ninetales (with Powder Snow OR Charm). I think Leafage deserves some real consideration at Ultra League level!
  

LONG STORY SHORT, no huge improvements to be found with Leafage, but it does earn a rightful place as a robust sidegrade consideration for the Lurantis and Abomasnow lines (particularly with Ultra League Aboma). It's an upgrade for the Rowlett/Dartrix/Decidueye line, though Deci itself remains middling at best until it one day gets Frenzy Plant (or just some more synergistic charge moves in general!). Leafage SHOULD start popping up here and there in PvP soon, moreso than Liquidation likely will.

JUST A BRUSH FIRE, REALLY

Honestly, I expected a number of things to get Mystical Fire after it recently entered the game, but for now, Niantic chose to distribute it to only two new Pokémon:

• As I mentioned in my analysis on Mystical Fire back during Delphox Community Day, DRIFBLIM is an intriguing choice. Mystical Fire and existing Blim coverage move Icy Wind share the same stats aside from typing, so this is almost the very definition of sidegrade... against neutral targets they do the exact same thing, so it just comes down to effectiveness. If Blim is facing something burnable (like a Steel, Ice, or Bug type), it will prefer to have Mystical Fire. For things weak to Ice, like Flyers and Dragons and Grounds, obviously it will want to be packing Icy Wind instead. (Grasses are weak to both Fire and Ice, so usually no change there, aside from things like Abomasnow with a subtyping that favors one or the other... in that case, Mystical Fire is double super effective and Icy Wind is merely neutral.) I'm not going to bother with the sims, as they're close to indistinguishable at a high level, but I WILL note that Mystical Fire can potentially beat Galarian Stunfisk at Ultra League level, and more definitely beats G-Fisk AND A-Slash, Skarmory, and even Registeel at Great League level, none of which Icy Wind can realistically hope to replicate. (Its only standouts are things like Gliscor.) Yes, giving up Icy Wind means completely abandoning hope versus things like Ghost-resistant Pidgeot and especially Noctowl, but overall? I think Drifblim might be getting much hotter soon, in several senses of the word! 🔥
  
• Not nearly as exciting, I admit, but note that LITWICK also gets Mystical Fire. It's really only for Little League use, and has been an interesting but lesser-used Fire type, falling behind things like Vulpix, Growlithe, and Tepig thanks to them having some good neutral coverage, while Litwick has been stuck with just Flame Charge and two other rather Fire charge moves. Mystical Fire slots in as a nearly straight upgrade with pickups that include Wynaut, Vullaby, Obstagoon (for LL Cups where it's allowed), and... Vulpix, regardless of which fast move 'Pix is using. Something to look forward to in the next Little League rotation!
  

LONG STORY SHORT, Mystical Fire IS likely the default coverage move of choice for Drifblim going forward, just because of the number of burnable things (as opposed to freezeable things) in its respective metas, Great League especially. Except to see Blim soar up a little higher than it has in a while. It's also a nice upgrade for Litwick, who should finally emerge as a true Fire contender in Little League formats.

ODDS AND ENDS

Going to put everything else together in this last main section, but don't mistake that to mean they're less important... quite the contrary! Just doing this because these are all one-offs, as opposed to the changes above which directly affected multiple Pokémon recipients.
Before I dive into the specific move additions, let's briefly review the existing moves that are being buffed or nerfed in this update.

• Icicle Spear - 60 power → 65 power. Obviously this only affects WALREIN (for now), and is obviously a strict upgrade, since the cost and all else remains the same, just more damage. Specifically, at a high level, I see Walrein picking up things like Skarmory and Umbreon (non-Shadow) and Trevenant, Pelipper, and Azumarill (Shadow) in Great League, and stuff like Shadow Alolan Ninetales and Virizion in Ultra League. So yeah... you didn't need me to tell you this was an improvement, but maybe that helps you decide how much of an improvement and whether you want to turn back to Wally if you ever turned away before. I'd say Great League in particular has reason to fear it a bit more again.
  
• Poison Fang - 40 power → 45 power. More things affected by this than Icicle Spear, but obviously most of you just want to know about NIDOQUEEN, so in the interest of time and... well, interest, we'll just highlight her for now. Again, you don't need me to tell you this only makes things with Poison Fang better, but HOW much better? Honestly not too much changes in Great League (as far as straight wins a losses go, though this is undoubtedly scarier now!), but in Ultra League, I see new wins for Queen versus things like Charizard, Pidgeot, Cresselia, Dubwool, Obstagoon, AND Guzzlord, among others, so this is no small tweak! Might Nidoqueen be "back"? Only time will tell. Admittedly, what made it SO scary in the past was the cheaper cost of Poison Fang, and that hasn't changed, so I don't see it returning to full dominance like she once enjoyed. I also think she was treated rather harshly even before this buff... she didn't fall off quite as hard as many made it out to be. This will reveal that more fully... she's not so much "back" as much as I think she never really left. Also keep in mind things like GOLBAT/CROBAT and SALAZZLE/SALANDIT** that stand to benefit from this as well!
  
• Rollout - 4 power → 5 power. So low power that I can tell you this won't be a big shift, but obviously it DOES help. DUNSPARCE picks up a potential win over Shadow Alolan Ninetales (hey, Rollout is super effective, so....), and MILTANK a new win versus Shadow Swampert, of all things, and sometimes (Water Gun) Lanturn when utilizing Ice Beam instead of my personal recommendation of Thunderbolt (which beats Lanturn as well). It tends to prefer Tackle in Ultra League, though newly buffed Rollout is MUCH improved now with new wins versus Cresselia, Drapion, Umbreon, Alolan Muk, AND Walrein. Perhaps Tackle won't be the default now? As for ALOLAN GOLEM, Volt Switch just remains a much better move in nearly every scenario and meta. Stick with that, I say, and get all the Rock damage you need from the charge moves instead. 🪨
  
• Mud Bomb - 55 power → 60 power. The two big ones that come to mind are TOXICROAK and WHISCASH, the latter of which honestly needed a boost like this. However, this small a bump looks and feels like more of a "win more" where they already won more than anything. The only notable new win I see (at the high level this massive rebalance is demanding of little old me!) is Toxicroak versus Trevenant, though I think that's more due to Trevenant's nerf (which we'll get to in a moment) than Toxicroak's resisted Mud Bomb dealing a tiny bit more damage. (And upon further review, it may be neither of those and instead just come down to move timing.. but leaving Trevor in here as it's a good setup for later.) The big winner here is actually QUAGSIRE, who FINALLY gets a charge move cheaper than 55 energy to reach the same spam potential as its fellow Mud Boys. It's hard to show how this improves things in simulations, as they actually tend to favor Earthquake in many situations (such as in 1v1 shielding, where Quake shows additional wins against things like Azu, Sable, Swampert, and Umbreon), but the difference is more obvious when you go 2v2 shielding, and the extra spam of Mud Bomb shows out with new wins that include Froslass, Jellicent, Toxicroak, Shadow Alolan Ninetales, and Shadow Walrein. I actually don't know if this will actually bump up Quagsire's useage or not, though it's shot up about 60 slots to #15 in PvPoke's rankings. Not sure if that will match reality, but I DO think it's time to see if you have a good PvP Quag to perhaps take out for a spin and see. It certainly has some exciting new potential it's never had before!
  
• Seed Bomb - 55 power → 60 power, Energy Cost Increased. The only thing on this list that's not a straight upgrade, getting the same damage boost as Mud Bomb but increased cost to go with it... mostly, I feel, as a backdoor way to bring Trevenant down a bit. (And indeed, PvPoke has dropped Trev 25 slots from #10 to #35 in Ultra League, and down nearly 70 slots in Great League from Top 10 to outside the Top 70!) I certainly don't think Trevor will be going away -- it still breaks several cores across multiple Leagues -- but this is undoubtedly a hit. In Great League, it looks like it's now at a disadvantage against things it used to be able to beat like Walrein, Talonflame, Alolan Marowak, Sableye, and even Toxicroak. The hit is a bit less severe in Ultra League (where it can hang in longer to somewhat compensate for the increased energy needed), but it does still lose former wins like Jellicent and the re-buffed Nidoqueen. Most of the rest of the collateral damage will be felt in Little League, where several notable things have Seed Bomb (like Bulbasaur, Exeggcute, Oddish, etc.). Note much of note in bigger Leagues, though it IS noteworthy that WHIMSICOTT is getting Seed Bomb for the first time. And yes, I think it DOES become the favorite in most circumstances over existing Grass Knot, despite the latter being a "better" move (50 energy for 90 damage) and using that to get a couple unique wins still like Diggersby and Lickitung, because Seed Bomb brings new bait potential to set up big Moonblast wins over Cresselia, Pelipper, Toxicroak, Vigoroth, and Trevenant. Not sure Whimsie is suddenly going to bust out in Open Great League or anything, but I think it's very safe to say it just became a bit scarier and more versatile in Limited metas for sure.
  

And there are all the actual move "rebalances". Now to wrap it up real quick with a final list of existing moves now assigned to new Pokémon!

• PROBOPASS is in some ways similar to Defense Deoxys, in that it has long had three charge moves that seemed almost interchangeable in overall performance. Rock Slide is pretty standard for Probo, and most folks also run it with Thunderbolt, but it's so lackluster than even Magnet Bomb has always hung around as a viable alternative. Well that changes now, as its bulk allows it to make good use of new addition Zap Cannon. I think it and Rock Slide are the new standard, along with Spark to power them out, and that combo brings in new wins over Sableye and Umbreon, along with wider margins of victory over things it just scraped past before like Cresselia and Bastiodon. Probo used to escape them both with less than 10 HP, but now waddles away with quite a bit more than that. Not sure if this will send it up the charts (Bastiodon itself is still usually preferred), but it IS a more intriguing alternative now.
  
• Speaking of funky Rock types, HEATRAN can learn Earth Power now! But uh... you still don't want it, sorry. At least give it Incinerate, Niantic... c'mon!
  
• A MUCH more interesting Rock type is CRADILY, now getting some more speed with Rock Slide as a new alternative to Stone Edge. In my first blush analysis on the day of these many announced changes, I speculated that Cradily may want both Rock charge moves going forward, as it still beat things like Lanturn and even Swampert without needing Grass Knot. But in hindsight... nah, I think you want to instead just swap out Edge for Slide and be done with it. Keeping this short and sweet, here are some of my findings when comparing these side by side (by side): Grass Knot is absolutely needed to beat Diggersby, and is obviously the surest way to beat Waters and Ground (and/or Rock) types in general (including having ANY shot at beating up things like Galarian Stunfisk and Bastiodon). The raw power of Stone Edge is still the best way to punch out things like Alolan Ninetales, Lickitung, and Shadow Victreebel. But the speed of Rock Slide (10 less energy than Edge) adds the potential to now handle stuff like Cresselia, Alolan Marowak, Sableye, Venusaur, and most notably, Noctowl. That's right... Cradily now becomes a handy way to handle Lanturn AND Noctowl, among many others, and can also beat popular Sableye as well. Corebreaker potential on the rise. Dilly dilly!
  
• Look, URSALUNA continues to disappoint and likely always will until it gets a better fast move than Tackle. I know it, you know it, basically everyone but Niantic (and maybe TPCi) knows it. But as I wrote when Luna was first released, Ice Punch at least gives it the most bite of the three main elemental Punches, and until now it was the only one Ursaluna could not learn. Now it can! That gives it a bit more reach in Master League (the one League where it currently has any real play at all) with all the Dragons already. Specifically, Ice Punch allows it to now consistently beat Garchomp and Landorus, so that's nice. But come on, Niantic. Give the people what they want!.
  
• Let's be honest: the addition of Brutal Swing to the arsenal of TYRANITAR is more a cause of celebration for raiding than it is for PvP. (New top Dark type in PvE, I hear!) But yes, it DOES help in PvP too. Tyranitar has the size to work in Master League, but even with Brutal Swing, it's still an awkward fit. The one place I have seen it pop up here and there is actually in Great League, albeit in Limited metas only. While those opportunities are relatively rare, I am happy to report that Brutal Swing is a noted improvement over former best Crunch, adding on wins you would expect of a Dark type (Sableye, Cofagrigus, Jellicent) and a few you might not expect (Drapion, Toxapex, and finally it can beat Altaria!). Still more niche than meta, but at least it's an improving niche!
  
• And finally, we come to humble little EMOLGA, and the first non-Community Day recipient of Acrobatics. Long-time (or even some short-time!) readers have surely seen me write many times about Aerial Ace. It's a passable move -- barely -- dealing 55 damage for 45 energy. Boooooring, but it usually works JUST enough to not be total trash. It's a move I would LOVE to see buffed a little at some point, but it's also a move currently assigned to a massive number of Pokémon, and unlikely to change unless Niantic wants to REALLY shake up PvP. And like way too many Pokémon, poor Emolga has long been stuck with dull old Ace as its only Flying move, leaving what should be an exciting option languishing in obscurity. But now, finally, this mighty mouse may be about to soar! Just look at the HUGE names it can now beat: Medicham. Lickitung. Sableye. Shadow Swampert. Trevenant. Shadow Alolan Ninetales. And Cresselia and even Froslass for good measure. Those are some really big names, folks. Did Emolga just go from being afterthought behind Zapdos to passing it completely? I think it may have! If, like me, you've been holding on to a good one and just biding your time... well, that time is now, my friend! ⚡
  

Speaking of time, though... it's up! The new season is here! So we're gonna wrap it up right here for now. I hope this was as helpful a read as it was LONG. 🙃
Until next time, you can find me on Twitter or Patreon. Or please feel free to comment here with your own thoughts or questions and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!
Stay safe out there, Pokéfriends. Best of luck this season, and catch you next time!

GO Battle League Season 15 is upon us, and along with it, our now-customary move rebalance! What's new, what's improved, what's good, bad, or ugly coming out the other side? Let's dive right in and see!
As per usual, Niantic has made us wait until the 11th hour for information on this coming season. (Thanks, Niantic... love you too! 😝) As is NOT usual for them of late, the rebalance taking place at the start of this new GBL season is massive, with no less than thirty three Pokémon being directly affected. Needless to say, this is going to be a lengthy analysis, so let's just dive right into it, shall we?

A FAIR WIND, OR GALE FORCE WINDS?

It might seem odd to lead off with a move given to only two new recipients, but CLEFABLE is no ordinary recipient. It has faded further and further into obscurity over time as other Fairies have risen up around it, having dropped out of the Top 5 Fairies in Ultra League and almost out of the Top 10 in Great League. It's still decently bulky, and still comes with the awesome Meteor Mash, which is not only cheaper than most charge moves found on various Charmers (that don't rhyme with "Aloe Van Pine Nails"), but is very widely unresisted and, critically in themed Cups where Clefable is eligible, super effective versus fellow Fairies, often delivering a knockout blow. The problem, of course, is that like other Charmers, you're unlikely to reach it in multiples, since Charm only generates a way below average 2.0 Energy Per Turn (EPT), tied for worst energy generation in the game. It also has Psychic for coverage, or Moonblast for big STAB damage, but the likelihood of reaching any of those in a critical spot is rather low since Charm is just SO slow to get there. So it has sat, languishing, as other interesting Charmers have come along and is now, at best, just part of a growing pack of similiar Pokémon.
That ALL changes with the addition of Fairy Wind and its 4.5 EPT. Not only does this allow it to finally break away from the pack and make its own unique mark, but it works REALLY well with its moves. Spamming a Meteor Mash every 6 seconds (or thanks to carryover energy, just 5 seconds between the second and third Mash) sounds pretty good to me! And indeed, as compared to Charm, you can see immediate improvement in Great League, with new wins against Noctowl (!!!), Azumarill, Froslass, Diggersby, Alolan Ninetales, and somehow even Fairy slayer Shadow Victreebel by slamming it with two Meteor Mashes. Even after all that, though, it remains underwater overall as far as win/loss record goes, though beating Medicham and Noctowl and all else that you'd expect of a good Fairy give it some great corebreaking potential.
For the eye-popping numbers, we actually turn to Ultra League, where Clef turns from this into this. Yes, that IS more than double its former win total (and a jump from under 30% winrate to now 60%!), with those new wins coming versus Walrein, A-Ninetales, Sylveon, Aurorus, Cobalion, Dubwool, Snorlax, Drapion, DDeoxys, and even resists-all-of-Clefable's-moves Escavalier! And if its relatively high XL cost is scaring you, fear not... you can build a hundo to 2499 CP and miss out only on Walrein and Greedent, for what that's worth. Put simply, Clefable is one of the biggest winners in this rebalance, moving from a previous rank of #145 in Open UL all the way up now to #28, with Tapu Fini being the only Fairy ranked higher!

• More of a footnote is TOGETIC, which now also learns Fairy Wind, and boy did it need that. Previously having to rely on the mostly awful Hidden Power (in which case you usually had to hope to get lucky with Flying type H.P.) or the subpar Extrasensory, it was left looking quite pitiful. But now, at least it could be spice in the right meta, maybe.
  
• WIGGLYTUFF did not get Fairy Wind, but it is receiving Disarming Voice, a move I've been wishing would be more widely distributed for years. A Fairy-type clone of moves like Psyshock, Magnet Bomb, and Foul Play, it's a more-than-passable move, and quietly the cheapest one that Fairy has available...15 less energy than Play Rough and Moonblast, and better Damage Per Energy {DPE} than the former. Anyway, seeing as Wigglytuff currently relies on Play Rough, Voice likely now slots in as its replacement for a little more shield pressure and new wins like Azumarill and Lickitung. The needle doesn't move too much, but the improvement is still appreciated!
  
• PRIMARINA also gets Voice, but it doesn't really help it... yet. Prima IS a little underrated in Master League, where its Water typing is much more help (resisting Ice, Fire, Water) than hindrance (very little Grass and Electric around to exploit it). But it won't really take off until it also eventually gets Hydro Cannon... sometime in 2025? At that point, it will appreciate having cheap Disarming Voice alongside Cannon more, I think.
  

LONG STORY SHORT, Fairy Wind Clefable is one of those rather rare overnight sensations that could see an immediate usage spike in Ultra League and as a nice corebreaker in Great League (the pickup against Noctowl really pushing it over the top). It really appreciates the extra energy to spam charge moves, and has just enough variety between Meteor Mash, Psychic (the move!), and Moonblast to keep the opponent guessing and shielding when they really don't want to. The other Fairies with new toys (Togetic and Wigglytuff especially) appreciate small bumps in performance, but are unlikely to suddenly appear where they weren't already.

DRILL RUNNIN' 🔥

As with Fairy Wind, there are only two new recipients of Drill Run, but both are very interesting.
We'll start with ALOLAN SANDSLASH. It sees some play already in both Great (including the Shadow variant and Ultra Leagues, usually with former Community Day move Shadow Claw to give it a unique profile, and spammy Ice Punch and typically Bulldoze for coverage. Bulldoze has excellent coverage (primarily versus Rocks, Steels, and Fires that give A-Slash a lot of trouble otherwise), but isn't a very good move (60 energy for only 80 damage). Drill Run is a strict upgrade, dealing the same 80 Ground-type damage for only 45 energy, a big savings.
Looking simply at simulation numbers, Drill Run doesn't seem to be a great improvement in Great or Ultra, with just occasional new wins popping up like UL Scizor or GL Alolan Marowak in certain shielding scenarios. But this goes beyond the numbers. Those who already use and love A-Slash will greatly appreciate the extra pressure that comes with Drill Run, as it can now be sprung for just 5 more energy than Ice Punch, making each shielding decision that much sweatier for the opponent. Even without STAB, Drill Run still deals quite a bit more damage than Ice Punch versus neutral targets, so this isn't just for strict coverage either. In every way, this makes Alolan Sandslash better, and better at covering its backside. I think players that don't already use A-Slash may come to better appreciate and respect it now too, and perhaps not just in Limited metas!
Perhaps even more interesting (and, frankly, unexpected) is DEWGONG, the poor WateIce type that has NEVER had a move rebalance other than taking its two best moves (Ice Shard and Icy Wind) away. Niantic has finally given it a LOT of love in this update, with Drill Run providing new coverage, and new move Liquidation finally giving it a viable Water move too. (Water Pulse and Aqua Jet are both terrible, folks... so much so that I've always recommended Blizzard as Dewgong's second move. For example, did you know that it tends to lose to Alolan Marowak with super effective Pulse but actually wins with resisted Blizzard?!) Anyway, I do think you want to definitely keep Icy Wind, so then your choice becomes Drill Run to have a shot at things like Froslass, Toxicroak, Lanturn (with Water Gun), and the aforementioned Alolan Marowak, or Liquidation to better outrace Skarmory and Alolan Ninetales? Either way, you get things like Azumarill and Dunsparce now, and still beat things that don't show in those sims like Swampert and Sableye by remaining fully commited to Icy Wind spam. And while you don't see a lot of new Rock or Steel or Fire wins popping up, Drill Run especially gives them all serious pause, forcing them to shield where they really never had to worry about it much before. (Because, again, Water Pulse is awful.)
So not really a great case for Liquidation here, but this is at least a way to transition into covering that move more fully next!
LONG STORY SHORT, both Dewgong and Alolan Sandslash immediately get better (and get better coverage) with Drill Run in the mix. I think it will be their preferred secondary/closing move going forward, and both will see a bump in play.

LIQUIDATION... GOING OUT OF BUSINESS ALREADY?

So about that new move Liquidation. It's a good if not fantastic move, an exact clone of Crunch... same cost (45 energy), damage (70), and potential debuff (30% chance to reduce the opponent's Defense). Not game breaking, but very, very solid.
But the real question is... do any of the things that recieve it really want it, and if so, do any of them notably improve in PvP?
I'm gonna save you some time (and me some characters!) by immediately pushing many of its recipients right off the raft.

• I think CLOYSTER actually prefers to hold on to a big closer like Hydro Pump rather than Liquidation, preferring to soften things up with Icy Wind and then go in for the kill. Pass.
  
• Similarly, all of the following prefer to keep existing movesets: SAMUROTT (Hydro Cannon/Megahorn), CARRACOSTA (Body Slam/Surf), BEARTIC (Ice Punch/Aqua Tail), EELEKTROSS (Dragon Claw/Crunch). All remain fringe at best.
  
• VAPOREON basically views Liquidation as a sidegrade to existing Scald, though Liquidation is NOT Legacy as Scald is, so it's worth it for any Vapes that don't have its old Community Day move. But Vaporeon remains mostly on the outside looking in at better Water types in various Leagues. No real boost here.
  
• GOLDUCK sees a slight bump with Liquidation, but remains just a spice play, at best.
  
• There is a reason you have never seen FLOATZEL in PvP... it has terrible charge moves. Bad, bad moves like Swift and Aqua Jet, with Hydro Pump as a passable closer but stymied due to average-at-best energy gains from Water Gun or Waterfall. Liquidation is in some ways just what the doctor ordered, but uh... Floatzel still sinks in PvP.
  
• ARMALDO remains a lost cause as well. If you want a GOOD Rocky Bug, use Crustle. If you want a spice one, go with the new Kleavor. If you want to just tank your ELO, THEN maybe consider Armaldo. That's about it though, even with the new move.
  

Man, quite a bummer, right? Decent move, but really nothing that gets it stands to benefit in a way that will impact PvP. So moving on then to... wait, what? I missed one? Oh... OH! So I did. And thankfully, we can end this section on a good note... because GOLISOPOD just became a bit more interesting.
Remember that when it was first released, it was a completely lost cause, with Fury Cutter, Metal Claw, and Waterfall as its clumsy fast moves, and underwhelming X-Scissor, Aerial Ace, and somehow even worse Aqua Jet as its only charge moves. That left it in a very sad state. Eventually, it acquired Shadow Claw, which made it at least slightly interesting. And now comes the charge move it's been begging for, with Liquidation elevating it into spice territory, at the very least. Now you can potentially beat things like Charizard, Nidoqueen, Alolan Sandslash, Alolan Ninetales (Powder Snow), Talonflame, Cobalion, and Sylveon that you couldn't before, though even as bad as Aerial Ace is, giving it up means you generally now lose some Grasses like Venusaur and Virizion. Still though, things are looking up for Golisopod!
LONG STORY SHORT, while Liquidation is actually a nice addition to Water's arsenal (a clone of Crunch, including the debuff chance), the only thing that gets it initially that really looks to benefit is Golisopod. Stay tuned to what may get it down the road, though... most of its current recipients just have more problems than Liquidation alone can solve.

THE LEAF AGE BEGINS?

Probably haven't seen Bullet Punch in PvP much, have you? Scizor and Metagross use it, and uh... that's about the extent of it. But it's actually a pretty good PvP fast move, with the average 3.0 Damage Per Turn (DPT) but above average energy generation (3.5 EPT). And now here comes Leafage, an exact clone of Bullet Punch for the Grass typing. The number of things that get it is quite a bit smaller than Liquidation (only three evolutionary lines), but I think this is a clear case of quality over quantity in Leafage's favor.

• I could write an entire article on the injustices done to DECIDUEYE in Pokémon GO. All its interesting moves in MSG, and here it sits with underpowered Shadow Sneak, overpriced Energy Ball, and big but risky closer Brave Bird, and all locked behind low-energy Razor Leaf or arguably worst fast move in the game Astonish. #JusticeForDecidueye! While I do still hope for an eventual and LONG overdue buff to Astonish, for now the addition of Leafage should be a big help, right? Weeeeeeeell..... I mean, yes, it is most certainly better, and will become even a bit moreso when it eventually gets Frenzy Plant. But clearly, it's problems are not JUST the fast moves. Heck, pre-evolution DARTRIX (who has also been trapped behind Razor Leaf) even looks better than Deci in the here and now, thanks in large part to having Seed Bomb as a more workable second charge move to set up Brave Bird. It does seem that even though ROWLETT also gets Leafage, it may still prefer to keep existing Razor Leaf down in Little League, where Razor Leaf can admittedly be particularly dominant.
  
• LURANTIS (and Little League pre-evolution FOMANTIS) operates nicely right now as sort of a Jack of all trades with Fury Cutter (and its Bug damage output) powering up Leaf Blade and Superpower (well, Grass Knot in Fomantis' case). Superpower allows for some nutty wins like Bastiodon, Galarian Stunfisk, and excecuted properly, even Registeel, clearly showing Lurantis' appeal. So does Leafage help or disrupt the good Lurantis has already got going? Eh, I think we're gonna call it a sidegrade, though a tasty one for sure. Lurantis does give up a couple things where the effectiveness of Fury Cutter wins the day (Cresselia, Shadow Victreebel) and loses a little speed, which flips Shadow Alolan Sandslash to a loss. (Luratnis cannot hit a Leaf Blade AND followon Superpower in time with Leafage like it can with Fury Cutter.) But Leafage is able to carve out new wins like Shadow Alolan Ninetales and Pelipper with superior neutral fast move damage (as opposed to resisted Bug damage), and also can outrace Walrein far more reliably. So not an upgrade, but a nice sidegrade like this can add some disruption into appropriate metas just fine.
  
• Speaking of disruption, let's check out ABOMASNOW. Obviously it runs more as an Ice than a Grass, humming along nicely in multiple metas with Powder Snow and Weather Ball (Ice) and Energy Ball for a big Grass closer when the situation calls for it. And more than likely, it will mostly continue in that configuration moving forward. BUT, Leafage may be preferred in certain metas now, at least, and not just because it now slams the door on Water types (instead of sometimes merely scraping by with Powder Snow). In Great League, where ShadowBama is usually preferred, Powder Snow continues to shine out, but it's worth noting that while Leafage is an overall downgrade, most of the wins it gives up are versus Flyers (Altaria, Noctowl, Skarmory, Mandibuzz), with new losses to Umbreon and Venusaur as the most notable exceptions. Leafage DOES make some new key contributions like Powder Alolan Ninetales and Galarian Stunfisk that may come more to the fore in Limited metas with, say, fewer Flyers? Just saying. In Ultra League, the biggest knock against Leafage is that it drops the Giratinas (as compared to Powder Snow), but otherwise Leafage makes a pretty strong case with pickups of Poliwrath, Walrein, and Alolan Ninetales (with Powder Snow OR Charm). I think Leafage deserves some real consideration at Ultra League level!
  

LONG STORY SHORT, no huge improvements to be found with Leafage, but it does earn a rightful place as a robust sidegrade consideration for the Lurantis and Abomasnow lines (particularly with Ultra League Aboma). It's an upgrade for the Rowlett/Dartrix/Decidueye line, though Deci itself remains middling at best until it one day gets Frenzy Plant (or just some more synergistic charge moves in general!). Leafage SHOULD start popping up here and there in PvP soon, moreso than Liquidation likely will.

JUST A BRUSH FIRE, REALLY

Honestly, I expected a number of things to get Mystical Fire after it recently entered the game, but for now, Niantic chose to distribute it to only two new Pokémon:

• As I mentioned in my analysis on Mystical Fire back during Delphox Community Day, DRIFBLIM is an intriguing choice. Mystical Fire and existing Blim coverage move Icy Wind share the same stats aside from typing, so this is almost the very definition of sidegrade... against neutral targets they do the exact same thing, so it just comes down to effectiveness. If Blim is facing something burnable (like a Steel, Ice, or Bug type), it will prefer to have Mystical Fire. For things weak to Ice, like Flyers and Dragons and Grounds, obviously it will want to be packing Icy Wind instead. (Grasses are weak to both Fire and Ice, so usually no change there, aside from things like Abomasnow with a subtyping that favors one or the other... in that case, Mystical Fire is double super effective and Icy Wind is merely neutral.) I'm not going to bother with the sims, as they're close to indistinguishable at a high level, but I WILL note that Mystical Fire can potentially beat Galarian Stunfisk at Ultra League level, and more definitely beats G-Fisk AND A-Slash, Skarmory, and even Registeel at Great League level, none of which Icy Wind can realistically hope to replicate. (Its only standouts are things like Gliscor.) Yes, giving up Icy Wind means completely abandoning hope versus things like Ghost-resistant Pidgeot and especially Noctowl, but overall? I think Drifblim might be getting much hotter soon, in several senses of the word! 🔥
  
• Not nearly as exciting, I admit, but note that LITWICK also gets Mystical Fire. It's really only for Little League use, and has been an interesting but lesser-used Fire type, falling behind things like Vulpix, Growlithe, and Tepig thanks to them having some good neutral coverage, while Litwick has been stuck with just Flame Charge and two other rather Fire charge moves. Mystical Fire slots in as a nearly straight upgrade with pickups that include Wynaut, Vullaby, Obstagoon (for LL Cups where it's allowed), and... Vulpix, regardless of which fast move 'Pix is using. Something to look forward to in the next Little League rotation!
  

LONG STORY SHORT, Mystical Fire IS likely the default coverage move of choice for Drifblim going forward, just because of the number of burnable things (as opposed to freezeable things) in its respective metas, Great League especially. Except to see Blim soar up a little higher than it has in a while. It's also a nice upgrade for Litwick, who should finally emerge as a true Fire contender in Little League formats.

ODDS AND ENDS

Going to put everything else together in this last main section, but don't mistake that to mean they're less important... quite the contrary! Just doing this because these are all one-offs, as opposed to the changes above which directly affected multiple Pokémon recipients.
Before I dive into the specific move additions, let's briefly review the existing moves that are being buffed or nerfed in this update.

• Icicle Spear - 60 power → 65 power. Obviously this only affects WALREIN (for now), and is obviously a strict upgrade, since the cost and all else remains the same, just more damage. Specifically, at a high level, I see Walrein picking up things like Skarmory and Umbreon (non-Shadow) and Trevenant, Pelipper, and Azumarill (Shadow) in Great League, and stuff like Shadow Alolan Ninetales and Virizion in Ultra League. So yeah... you didn't need me to tell you this was an improvement, but maybe that helps you decide how much of an improvement and whether you want to turn back to Wally if you ever turned away before. I'd say Great League in particular has reason to fear it a bit more again.
  
• Poison Fang - 40 power → 45 power. More things affected by this than Icicle Spear, but obviously most of you just want to know about NIDOQUEEN, so in the interest of time and... well, interest, we'll just highlight her for now. Again, you don't need me to tell you this only makes things with Poison Fang better, but HOW much better? Honestly not too much changes in Great League (as far as straight wins a losses go, though this is undoubtedly scarier now!), but in Ultra League, I see new wins for Queen versus things like Charizard, Pidgeot, Cresselia, Dubwool, Obstagoon, AND Guzzlord, among others, so this is no small tweak! Might Nidoqueen be "back"? Only time will tell. Admittedly, what made it SO scary in the past was the cheaper cost of Poison Fang, and that hasn't changed, so I don't see it returning to full dominance like she once enjoyed. I also think she was treated rather harshly even before this buff... she didn't fall off quite as hard as many made it out to be. This will reveal that more fully... she's not so much "back" as much as I think she never really left. Also keep in mind things like GOLBAT/CROBAT and SALAZZLE/SALANDIT that stand to benefit from this as well!
  
• Rollout - 4 power → 5 power. So low power that I can tell you this won't be a big shift, but obviously it DOES help. DUNSPARCE picks up a potential win over Shadow Alolan Ninetales (hey, Rollout is super effective, so....), and MILTANK a new win versus Shadow Swampert, of all things, and sometimes (Water Gun) Lanturn when utilizing Ice Beam instead of my personal recommendation of Thunderbolt (which beats Lanturn as well). It tends to prefer Tackle in Ultra League, though newly buffed Rollout is MUCH improved now with new wins versus Cresselia, Drapion, Umbreon, Alolan Muk, AND Walrein. Perhaps Tackle won't be the default now? As for ALOLAN GOLEM, Volt Switch just remains a much better move in nearly every scenario and meta. Stick with that, I say, and get all the Rock damage you need from the charge moves instead. 🪨
  
• Mud Bomb - 55 power → 60 power. The two big ones that come to mind are TOXICROAK and WHISCASH, the latter of which honestly needed a boost like this. However, this small a bump looks and feels like more of a "win more" where they already won more than anything. The only notable new win I see (at the high level this massive rebalance is demanding of little old me!) is Toxicroak versus Trevenant, though I think that's more due to Trevenant's nerf (which we'll get to in a moment) than Toxicroak's resisted Mud Bomb dealing a tiny bit more damage. (And upon further review, it may be neither of those and instead just come down to move timing.. but leaving Trevor in here as it's a good setup for later.) The big winner here is actually QUAGSIRE, who FINALLY gets a charge move cheaper than 55 energy to reach the same spam potential as its fellow Mud Boys. It's hard to show how this improves things in simulations, as they actually tend to favor Earthquake in many situations (such as in 1v1 shielding, where Quake shows additional wins against things like Azu, Sable, Swampert, and Umbreon), but the difference is more obvious when you go 2v2 shielding, and the extra spam of Mud Bomb shows out with new wins that include Froslass, Jellicent, Toxicroak, Shadow Alolan Ninetales, and Shadow Walrein. I actually don't know if this will actually bump up Quagsire's useage or not, though it's shot up about 60 slots to #15 in PvPoke's rankings. Not sure if that will match reality, but I DO think it's time to see if you have a good PvP Quag to perhaps take out for a spin and see. It certainly has some exciting new potential it's never had before!
  
• Seed Bomb - 55 power → 60 power, Energy Cost Increased. The only thing on this list that's not a straight upgrade, getting the same damage boost as Mud Bomb but increased cost to go with it... mostly, I feel, as a backdoor way to bring Trevenant down a bit. (And indeed, PvPoke has dropped Trev 25 slots from #10 to #35 in Ultra League, and down nearly 70 slots in Great League from Top 10 to outside the Top 70!) I certainly don't think Trevor will be going away -- it still breaks several cores across multiple Leagues -- but this is undoubtedly a hit. In Great League, it looks like it's now at a disadvantage against things it used to be able to beat like Walrein, Talonflame, Alolan Marowak, Sableye, and even Toxicroak. The hit is a bit less severe in Ultra League (where it can hang in longer to somewhat compensate for the increased energy needed), but it does still lose former wins like Jellicent and the re-buffed Nidoqueen. Most of the rest of the collateral damage will be felt in Little League, where several notable things have Seed Bomb (like Bulbasaur, Exeggcute, Oddish, etc.). Note much of note in bigger Leagues, though it IS noteworthy that WHIMSICOTT is getting Seed Bomb for the first time. And yes, I think it DOES become the favorite in most circumstances over existing Grass Knot, despite the latter being a "better" move (50 energy for 90 damage) and using that to get a couple unique wins still like Diggersby and Lickitung, because Seed Bomb brings new bait potential to set up big Moonblast wins over Cresselia, Pelipper, Toxicroak, Vigoroth, and Trevenant. Not sure Whimsie is suddenly going to bust out in Open Great League or anything, but I think it's very safe to say it just became a bit scarier and more versatile in Limited metas for sure.
  

And there are all the actual move "rebalances". Now to wrap it up real quick with a final list of existing moves now assigned to new Pokémon!

• PROBOPASS is in some ways similar to Defense Deoxys, in that it has long had three charge moves that seemed almost interchangeable in overall performance. Rock Slide is pretty standard for Probo, and most folks also run it with Thunderbolt, but it's so lackluster than even Magnet Bomb has always hung around as a viable alternative. Well that changes now, as its bulk allows it to make good use of new addition Zap Cannon. I think it and Rock Slide are the new standard, along with Spark to power them out, and that combo brings in new wins over Sableye and Umbreon, along with wider margins of victory over things it just scraped past before like Cresselia and Bastiodon. Probo used to escape them both with less than 10 HP, but now waddles away with quite a bit more than that. Not sure if this will send it up the charts (Bastiodon itself is still usually preferred), but it IS a more intriguing alternative now.
  
• HEATRAN can learn Earth Power now! But uh... you still don't want it, sorry. At least give it Incinerate, Niantic... c'mon!
  
• A MUCH more interesting Rock type is CRADILY, now getting some more speed with Rock Slide as a new alternative to Stone Edge. In my first blush analysis on the day of these many announced changes, I speculated that Cradily may want both Rock charge moves going forward, as it still beat things like Lanturn and even Swampert without needing Grass Knot. But in hindsight... nah, I think you want to instead just swap out Edge for Slide and be done with it. Keeping this short and sweet, here are some of my findings when comparing these side by side (by side): Grass Knot is absolutely needed to beat Diggersby, and is obviously the surest way to beat Waters and Ground (and/or Rock) types in general (including having ANY shot at beating up things like Galarian Stunfisk and Bastiodon). The raw power of Stone Edge is still the best way to punch out things like Alolan Ninetales, Lickitung, and Shadow Victreebel. But the speed of Rock Slide (10 less energy than Edge) adds the potential to now handle stuff like Cresselia, Alolan Marowak, Sableye, Venusaur, and most notably, Noctowl. That's right... Cradily now becomes a handy way to handle Lanturn AND Noctowl, among many others, and can also beat popular Sableye as well. Corebreaker potential on the rise. Dilly dilly!
  
• Look, URSALUNA continues to disappoint and likely always will until it gets a better fast move than Tackle. I know it, you know it, basically everyone but Niantic (and maybe TPCi) knows it. But as I wrote when Luna was first released, Ice Punch at least gives it the most bite of the three main elemental Punches, and until now it was the only one Ursaluna could not learn. Now it can! That gives it a bit more reach in Master League (the one League where it currently has any real play at all) with all the Dragons already. Specifically, Ice Punch allows it to now consistently beat Garchomp and Landorus, so that's nice. But come on, Niantic. Give the people what they want!.
  
• Let's be honest: the addition of Brutal Swing to the arsenal of TYRANITAR is more a cause of celebration for raiding than it is for PvP. (New top Dark type in PvE, I hear!) But yes, it DOES help in PvP too. Tyranitar has the size to work in Master League, but even with Brutal Swing, it's still an awkward fit. The one place I have seen it pop up here and there is actually in Great League, albeit in Limited metas only. While those opportunities are relatively rare, I am happy to report that Brutal Swing is a noted improvement over former best Crunch, adding on wins you would expect of a Dark type (Sableye, Cofagrigus, Jellicent) and a few you might not expect (Drapion, Toxapex, and finally it can beat Altaria!). Still more niche than meta, but at least it's an improving niche!
  
• And finally, we come to humble little EMOLGA, and the first non-Community Day recipient of Acrobatics. Long-time (or even some short-time!) readers have surely seen me write many times about Aerial Ace. It's a passable move -- barely -- dealing 55 damage for 45 energy. Boooooring, but it usually works JUST enough to not be total trash. It's a move I would LOVE to see buffed a little at some point, but it's also a move currently assigned to a massive number of Pokémon, and unlikely to change unless Niantic wants to REALLY shake up PvP. And like way too many Pokémon, poor Emolga has long been stuck with dull old Ace as its only Flying move, leaving what should be an exciting option languishing in obscurity. But now, finally, this mighty mouse may be about to soar! Just look at the HUGE names it can now beat: Medicham. Lickitung. Sableye. Shadow Swampert. Trevenant. Shadow Alolan Ninetales. And Cresselia and even Froslass for good measure. Those are some really big names, folks. Did Emolga just go from being afterthought behind Zapdos to passing it completely? I think it may have! If, like me, you've been holding on to a good one and just biding your time... well, that time is now, my friend! ⚡
  

Speaking of time, though... it's up! The new season is here! So we're gonna wrap it up right here for now. I hope this was as helpful a read as it was LONG. 🙃
Until next time, you can find me on Twitter or Patreon. Or please feel free to comment here with your own thoughts or questions and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!
Stay safe out there, Pokéfriends. Best of luck this season, and catch you next time!

Public opinion of TriMet's decisions have been pretty mixed, mostly because TriMet's decisions are so convoluted that they can be a real challenge to understand. In reality, Metro and Portlanders need to have a bigger civic conversation about the future of TriMet, looking at the big picture. We have 3 looming existential crises of TriMet to be concerned about that are bigger than revenue dips, crime, or homeless people.
Civic leaders and the public are focused on a quick "fix" for TriMet revenue drops - even though we've seen this coming for a long time, it's very predictable that TriMet's Board of Directors acts at the last minute. Also, very predictably, TriMet's Board opted for a fare increase because over the previous 20 years that's been a go-to answer to every problem (except for that one time they killed Fareless Square). The politically appointed boards of TriMet and Metro lack the unique specialized knowledge of the issues I'll bring up here. If TriMet knows about these larger issues, they're obviously burring it from public view. In the short term, increasing fares is like putting fresh paint on a house that's on fire; in this situation, that paint is HIGHLY flammable.
First - fare hikes as a tactic is a brain-dead move. Just the most utterly stupid and self-sabotaging response to a looming budget shortfall. I'm dwelling on this because it illustrates their terrible decision-making, which is functional proof they have no idea what they're doing. Some of the core reasons for this:

• Increasing fares reduces utilization. Higher cost means fewer people ride, which will decrease the ridership revenue. It will also marginally increase the number of people who won't pay (funny story, some of those who don't pay actually can't afford to). TriMet isn't a monopoly or inelastic service, and plenty of other choices exist that didn't exist 20 years ago: an actual bike share, scooters, electric bikes, UbeLyft, shared vehicles, and more bike paths. Before the pandemic, it was common that I would bus into downtown for work and then take a Lyft home because it wasn't all that expensive, like $8 more than a bus ride - TriMet's price increases make a system that wasn't very competitive simply less compelling.
  
• Across Portland we need to go through a process of austerity and downsizing government. I absolutely support Wheeler putting a pause on rate increases, but for God's sake, we have far too much largesse in every layer of government. If you need to learn what I'm talking about, read my old article on Parks & Rec. So many divisions/agencies have doubled their staff while reducing service levels. It's bonkers. Cutting throats needs to be an imperative. This is because the great majority of public sector employees in Oregon and Portland are incompetent, redundant, and only exist because Oregon and Portland have been reluctant to use automation. And I don't mean the cutting-edge AI stuff, I'm talking about people who still handle business processes as if they're paper forms. I could tell so many stories from my professional experience - but you'll have to take my word for it for now: culling this bureaucracy is the right move, and until there's a significant downsizing, the political class is taking none of the financial crisis or cost of living situation seriously.
  
• TriMet's operating budget/revenue is primarily Payroll Taxes, not passenger revenue. About 20-30% of TriMet's budget comes from people buying fares, whereas the bulk of money TriMet needs comes from payroll taxes that businesses pay directly. Because of this, transit activists (including myself) have been proponents of increasing the payroll taxes marginally to make TriMet free for riders. Of course, fareless transit comes with a wide variety of new and different problems (that's an article for another time). Still, when you understand that only a sliver of revenue comes from fares, increasing the fare simply results in a marginal increase in revenue. The much bigger problem is going to businesses investing outside of Metro, and changing workforces that 1) won't pay payroll taxes reliably, 2) don't need people to go into the office. Think about the longer-term game here: is TriMet's board going to increase fares as utilization drops and payroll taxes continually diminish? (See my point above about how their default answer is "yes" because it's the only politically expedient answer.)
  

Reading comments about the fare hikes, most of the public thinks TriMet is dealing with a safety or utilization issue. Both of these are 100% true: soft-on-crime progressives have wholly obliterated the working class perception of TriMet safety - there are so many different ways this has happened, but we should thank so many people in the media and political class: Ana del Rocio's crying wolf about racism in fare inspections (and the media entertaining it), or Mike Schmidt deinstitutionalizing of the justice system, or Legislature's inability to act on the massive mental health crisis and drug addiction crisis in Oregon. No matter the underlying cause, we have a system where deranged violent mentally ill tweakers can be disruptive on the train, but working-class people face a $250 fine if they can't afford a $2.50 ($2.80) ticket. TriMet is less safe, especially the light rail and bus lines. We could hypothetically talk about various policy and infrastructure changes, such as turnstiles and security guards - but pragmatically, this won't do shit when our society has adopted a philosophy of transforming the urban core into an open-air insane asylum and opened the doors to the prisons. This safety issue is well beyond TriMet's scope, and even if there was consensus among TriMet and Metro to solve this, the entire justice system and Legislature is still broken.

Fare Hikes and Utilization is the Red Herring - Let's talk about TriMet's future

In reality, multiple design choices made decades ago set us up for failure. But we also have to thank brain-dead progressive lunatics and corrupt politicos who have steered our transit decision-making into the ground.
There are three specific issues I'm going to talk about, with each becoming more consequential and disastrous for TriMet:

• Hub and Spoke Design and the need for a redesign of the entire system to fit new commuting/transit patterns
  
• Portland Light Rail's short cars are a capacity problem not worth the price tag to fix
  
• Autonomous vehicles are here, and it's just going to get worse for TriMet
  

The strategic design of TriMet's system is broken, and it's been broken before.

If you looked at a map of TriMet's bus and rail system, you'd see a design pattern often referred to as a "Radial Design" or sometimes a "Hub And Spoke" design. The Hub and Spoke strategy is building our transit system around centralized locations to connect to other routes. For Portland the idea is to go downtown (or sometimes a Park and Ride) where you can connect to your next destination. This is why the majority of bus routes and all the max routes go downtown, to our Transit Mall and Pioneer Square.
Downtown planning was a smart idea in the 1960s when it was coupled with Main Street economic theory and prototype urban development zones - all of this wrapped up in the 1972 Downtown Plan policy. During these decades, the primary economic idea of urban revitalization was that downtown cores could provide better business climates and shopping districts that amplify economic activity synergistically. In other words, packing all the office jobs and luxury shopping in one area is good for workers, business, and civic planning.
All very smart ideas in yester-year, so TriMet became focused on serving the downtown business community myopically. This myopia became so paramount that it was considered illegitimate (actually taboo, borderline illegal) if you used a Park & Ride facility to park and NOT ride downtown. Amanda Fritz once explained that we couldn't expand Barbur Transit Center because that would result in students parking at Barbur Transit Center and riding the bus to PCC Sylvania. This view implies that TriMet exists only to service downtown workers, not the students, not the impoverished mom needing to go to a grocery store.
How does TriMet's hub and spoke design represent its purpose?
Portland's unspoken rule of transit philosophy is that jobs pay for the system (remember, business payroll taxes pay for most of it), so TriMet should be focused on serving people utilizing it for their job - employers pay for it, and they get value out of it. But this is both unspoken (never said aloud) and largely unobserved. The whole idea of TriMet as a social service to serve low-income people, to help impoverished people - well, those ideas were just lukewarm political rhetoric that is tossed out as soon as some Undesirable with tattered clothing reeking of cigarettes gets aboard - then Portlanders jump right back "this is for workers only!" Sadly, there hasn't ever been a public consensus of why TriMet exists because I could equally argue that TriMet's purpose isn't serving the working class; it's actually vehicle emissions reductions - but here, too, reality contradicts that this is the purpose for why we operate TriMet. TriMet's real purpose seems to be "Spend money on lofty capital projects" and if we want to be cynical about it, we can elaborate "…because large capital projects enable grift, embezzlement, and inflating property values for developers."
We haven't always depended upon a hub and spoke design. A great article from Jarrett Walker written in 2010 on his Human Transit blog explains in "The Power and Pleasure of Grids"

Why aren't all frequent networks grids? The competing impulse is the radial network impulse, which says: "We have one downtown. Everyone is going there, so just run everything to there." Most networks start out radial, but some later transition to more of a grid form, often with compromises in which a grid pattern of routes is distorted around downtown so that many parallel routes converge there. You can see this pattern in many cities, Portland for example. Many of the lines extending north and east out of the city center form elements of a grid, but converge on the downtown. Many other major routes (numbered in the 70s in Portland's system) do not go downtown, but instead complete the grid pattern. This balance between grid and radial patterns was carefully constructed in 1982, replacing an old network in which almost all routes went downtown.

Over the years the grid pattern was neglected in favor of a downtown-focused investment strategy. To a real degree it made practical sense: that's where the jobs were. But again, this is the presumption that TriMet and Mass Transit ought to service workers first, and there's not much consensus on that. But while we can't decide on TriMet's purpose, we can absolutely agree on one important thing: Downtown is dead.
No 5-star hotel is going to fix it. (As of writing, I'm not even convinced that this mafia-connected bamboozle of public fraud will open.) No "tough-on-crime" DA to replace Mike Schmidt, like Nathan Vasquez, will fix downtown. It's not JUST a crime problem: most of the problems we deal with today mirror the problems facing Portland in the 1960s, especially our inability to invest in good infrastructure people actually want to use. That's on top of crime, vandalism, and an unhealthy business ecosystem.
IF we want to maintain TriMet (and that's a big IF, for reasons I'll explain below), then it will be focused on something other than downtown. We need to move back to a grid-design transit system, as this is a much easier way to use transit to get around the city, no matter your destination. If TriMet continues to exist and operate fleets in 20-30 years, this is the only way it exists - because it will just be too inconvenient to ride downtown as a side quest to your destination, especially as we look at 10, 20, 30, 40 years from now.
Of course, we can only transform some parts of the transit infrastructure this way, and there are no uplifting and moving train tracks here. So light rail doesn't have a future in the grid system - but even without the grid system, light rail is doomed.

The fatal flaws of light rail in Portland.

I want to preface this by saying I like light rail as a strategy, it's not a bad system or bad civic investment. I could write another 5,000-word essay on why Seattle did an excellent job with light rail and the specific decisions Portland made wildly incorrectly. In transit advocacy the wacktavists inappropriately categorized skeptics of Portland's light rail as some soft bigotry - as if you're racist if you don't like Portland's light rail - even though, ironically, most light rail systems tend to be built for the preference of white culture and white workers, precisely what happened here in Portland and most cities (but this is all a story for another time).
Portland's light rail system has a capacity problem and has dealt with this capacity problem quietly for the last 20+ years. When you see the capacity problem, you can quickly understand this light rail system won't work in the future. All the other smart cities in the world that designed light rail realized they needed big long trains to move many people. Portland decided to limit the train car length to the size of our city blocks to save construction costs - and this has always been a fatal flaw.
Portland's highest capacity train car is our Type 5, according to Wikipedia it has a seating capacity of 72 and an overall capacity of 186 per train car, meaning each train can accommodate up to 372, but even these numbers seem unreliable (*edit). Let's compare:

• Washington DC has 6-car trains capable of carrying 120 passengers per car, or 720 per train.
  
• Salt Lake City has a 4-car train capable of carrying 230 passengers per car, or 920 per train.
  
• Seattle's Link system has a 3 or 4-car train, each capable of carrying approximately 200 passengers per car, so 600 to 800 per train.
  

Portland's light rail lines have roughly the same people moving capacity as a single lane of a highway, maybe marginally more, maybe marginally less. These other cities have a light rail system that can move the same amount of people as an entire 3-lane highway.
You might suspect that Portland could simply run trains more frequently - but nah, that's impossible because the trains run through the central core of downtown Portland, and they're blocked by the real interfaces with road traffic and bottlenecks. TriMet/PBOT/Metro has offered rosy ideas that we could hypothetically run cars every 90 seconds, 2 minutes, 4 minutes, or 6 minutes (depending upon who you ask) - but these are garbage numbers invented out of thin air. For example, you could stand at Pioneer Courthouse Square at 4:50pm on a Wednesday in 2016 - there was a train opening doors to load passengers, and you could visibly see the next train at Pioneer Place Mall pulling into the station behind. Trains were running at approximately a 3 to 4 minute at peak - but on paper, TriMet will claim anything, as they don't give a shit about lying to the public. But the bigger problem is that trains were full. You might have to wait 90 minutes to find a train that offers a seat. And god forbid you had a bike.
I'm not making this very real capacity problem, Metro even acknowledges:

At the busiest hours of the day, 40 light rail trains must cross the river and traverse downtown – one train every 90 seconds. As the region grows and the demand for light rail increases, the region will need at least 64 MAX trains through downtown every hour, more than one train each minute. Our current system can't support that change.

Suppose you're silly enough to trust government propaganda. In that case, you can read the details of Metro study on this in 2019. If we assumed their numbers added up, it's just fucking impossible to run 62 trains per hour, because passenger loading and unloading can take a full minute (sometimes longer). So unless we want to apply substantial g-forces onto the passengers, the train isn't accelerating out of the stops fast enough. Not to mention how unreliable this whole system would be if a sole tweaker, bike rider, or person with a stroller held up the system for 2 minutes.
This is why the bottom line needs to be upfront about capacity - quoting Metro's study here:

Today MAX is limited to 2-car trains because of the length of downtown city blocks. A tunnel could allow for longer trains if the stations outside the downtown core are retrofitted. In the long-term, this could greatly increase MAX capacity.

Do you see that trick? Build a tunnel, yes - but the entire system has to be retrofitted. Literally every light rail station would need to be redesigned, the lines themselves recalculated for larger heavier trains - and extending platforms at Willow Creek might be simple enough, but how in the living fuck is Metro going to afford to expand the Zoo stop? Doubling the size of that platform would cost $500 million alone.
If the city weren't full of cheap dipshits, we would have elevated or buried our light rail lines in the 1980s or 90s, enabling longer train cars to run. Yes, we all knew back then that it was the best practice not to have light rail running on the street - it's less safe, less reliable, runs slower, and limits train car size. Oops.
Just to keep TriMet's own bullshit inflated utopian vision, it would mean spending another billion dollars just to unfuck downtown, bypass an aging bridge, and potentially allow a marginally higher volume of trains - which again is a band-aid on a mortal wound.
The real buried lede is that to add extra train cars means retrofitting all the stops in the system - that's tens of billions of dollars. You can argue costs, but Metro knows we need to do this. It means shutting down the system for a year or years while construction and retrofits happen. It's fucking outrageous. Is this system worth of people per line worth 20, 30, or 40 billion dollars? Fuck no, it ain't. Again, if we had a raging metropolis of industry and commerce downtown, we could reasonably entertain the idea for a moment - but we don't and never will again.
Some folks might argue that if we kill off the light rail system we'd lose out on all those lucrative Transit Oriented Developments. Originally the public was told that Transit Oriented Development strategy would cause a massive infusion of private investment because the light rail was so damn lucrative and desirable for Richard Florida's Creative Class. Turns out the Creative Class is now called today the Laptop Class, and they don't give a flying fuck about street cars, light rail, or walking scores - because most can't be bothered to put pants on during their "commute" from bed to desk. TOD was all a fantasy illusion from the beginning, as multiple studies about Portland commuters showed that college-educated white folks riding Max were equally comfortable riding their bike as a substitute for the same commute. All of these billions of dollars was to accommodate white fare-weather bikers. So here's my hot take on transit: pave over the rail lines and put in bike lanes, and boy, then you'd have a bike system to give folks like Maus a hardon. But of course, Bike Portland would complain because their focus isn't biking; they exist only to favor all poorly thought utopian transit ideas.
Another group of Max/TOD advocates would claim that TOD is better for disabled and impoverished people. And yeah, there's truth there, but see my entire argument above about the Hub & Spoke design of TriMet being the antithesis of transit as a social service. If you believe that TriMet should serve low-income people, you must advocate for a bus-centric grid design.
But even if you're a die-hard believer in light rail - there's another inevitable reality coming that is the nail in the coffin.

Autonomous vehicles will replace mass transit faster than the automobile replaced the horse.

I work in advanced technology, and the thing about tech is that the public and politicians deny that it's going to be there until the majority of the public finally experiences it. You could say this about personal computers, internet, cloud compute, electric cars, smartphones, distributed ledger (cryptocurrency), AI, and driverless vehicles.
Schrodinger's technology doesn't exist until it's measured in an Apple store or your mother asks you for tech support.
No one thought AI was really real until ChatGPT did their kid's homework, and today most people are coming to terms with the fact that ChatGPT 3.5 could do most people's jobs. And that's not even the most advanced AI, that's the freeware put out by Microsoft, they have paywalls to access the real deal.
In 2018 I rode in my colleague's Tesla in self-driving mode from downtown Portland to Top Golf in Hillsboro. We started our journey at the surface parking lot on the west side of the Morrison Bridge. He used his phone to tell the car to pull out of the parking spot and to pick us up. Then he gave the car the address, and it drove us the entire way without any human input necessary. The only time he provided feedback was to touch the turn signal to pass a slow car on the highway. People think self-driving isn't here - but it is - and it's gotten exponentially better and will continue to do so. People will complain and moan about idealized, utopian, pedantic "level 5" full self-driving, how none of it exists or could exist, as a Tesla passes them on the road and the driver is half asleep.
Of course, Portland and every major city have also thought deeply about self-driving technology, and a few places have implemented self-driving solutions - but so far, none of these are really at scale. Though it will be a short time before cost-conscious cities go all-in.
TriMet kicked around the idea of using an autonomous bus for a leg of the trip of the Southwest Corridor project, connecting a segment of the light rail route to the community college. It was bafflingly stupid and short-sighted to think they could use it in this niche application but that it wouldn't open the floodgates for a hundred different applications that eviscerate TriMet's labor model. The simplest example of autonomous operation would be to operate the light rail systems - because they don't make turns, all we need is an AI vision service to slam on the breaks if necessary - that technology has existed for 20+ years. We could retrofit the entire train system in about 3 to 6 months - replace every Max operator with a security guard, and maybe people would ride the Max again? But I digress.
Let's speculate about the far-future, some 5, 10, or 20 years from now: your transit options will expand significantly. The cost will decrease considerably for services using automated vehicles.
You'll look at your options as:

• Drive to work: fastest, takes $100+ worth of gas a month, but you also need $50+ for insurance and $500+ for the monthly car payment, plus those surprise maintenance and broken windows. Also, do you pay for parking? Pick a number for how much it costs to drive your personally owned and manually operated vehicle to work each month.
  
• Autonomous vehicle service: price TBA, but think of how much an Uber costs when you don't have to pay the driver, you don't have to pay for gas. An Uber that runs for $20 today would likely be $10 or less. So, to and from work 20 times a month, $200. $300? Ok, let's just say it's $400 a month. It's still all cheaper than owning a car and driving it to work. No parking fees, and it picks you up quickly enough that it's not a nuisance.
  
• Mass Transit: $150 per month, but ugghhh it's slow, it smells like piss, a guy jacked off in your hair, and you can't schedule a meeting for the first 30 minutes of your anticipated workday in case you miss a connection - and it breaks so often the government actively hides the reliability data from the public and media.
  

Just a few years into this future we'll see a brand new trend, one that already exists: a shared autonomous vehicle like a privately operated bus. For example, Uber Bus - it already exists as a commuter option in some cities, it's just not autonomous yet. The significant benefit of an autonomous bus is that these shared vehicles will utilize HOV lanes very commonly, and commuting in an autonomous vehicle will be as fast as driving to work in your manually operated car while also being less expensive.
Simultaneously automobile accidents in autonomous vehicles will be virtually non-existent, and insurance companies will start to increase prices on vehicles that lack AI/smart assisted safety driving features. Public leaders will see the value of creating lanes of traffic on highways dedicated explicitly to autonomous vehicles so that they can drive at much higher speeds than manually operated traffic. Oregon won't lead the way here, but wait until Texas or one of the Crazy States greenlights a speed limit differential, and self-driving vehicles have a speed limit of 90, 120, or 150 miles per hour. You might think "accidents would be terrible and deadly" but there will be fewer accidents in the autonomous lane than in manual lanes. At this point, it will be WAY faster to take an autonomous vehicle to your work.
Purchasing power of consumers will decrease while the cost of vehicles will increase (especially autonomous vehicles), making ownership of any vehicle less likely. Frankly, the great majority of people won't know how to drive and will never learn to - just like how young people today don't know how to use manual transmission. However, fleets of autonomous vehicles owned by companies like Tesla, Uber, and Lyft will benefit from scale and keep their autonomous bus fleets operating at low cost. This will lead to a trend where fewer and fewer people will own an automobile, and fewer people even bother learning how to drive or paying the enormous insurance cost.... while also depending upon automobiles more than we do today.
Eventually, in the distant future, manually driven vehicles will be prohibited in urban areas as some reckless relic from a bygone era.
Cities and public bodies don't have to be cut out of this system if they act responsibly. For example, cities could start a data brokering exchange where commuters provide their commuting data (i.e., pick-up point, destination, arrival time). The government uses either a privatized fleet or a publicly owned fleet of autonomous vehicles to move as many people as possible as often as possible. Sort of a publicly run car-pool list - or a hyper-responsive bus fleet that runs for the exact passengers going to exact locations. A big problem companies like Uber, Lyft, and Tesla will have is that they'll lack market saturation to optimize commuting routes - they'll be able to win unique rides, but the best way they can achieve the lowest cost service model is these super predictable and timely commuter riders. The more data points and riders, the more optimization they can achieve. These companies can look at the data for as many people as possible and bid for as many routes as possible - optimizing for convenience, time, energy usage, emissions, etc. The public will voluntarily participate if this is optimized to get the cheapest ride possible. If the government doesn't do this, the private sector will eventually.
As a parallel, no one today even considers how Metro runs garbage collection. No one cares. And if you didn't like Metro's trash service, if you needed a better service for unique needs, you go procure that on your own. Likewise, you wouldn't care about the quality of the commuting trip as long as it's up to some minimal standards of your class expectations, it's reliable, nearly as quick as driving your own vehicle, and it seems reasonably affordable.
If the public ran this data exchange, fees could subsidize lower-income riders. This is a theory on what a TriMet like system or mass transit system could look like in a primarily autonomous world where most people don't own their own or drive an automobile.
This system would be far from perfect, opening up all sorts of problems around mobility. However, it's hard to see how autonomous vehicles will not obliterate the value proposition of mass transit.

Another narrative on the same story.

As the working class moves to autonomous vehicles, transit agencies will collect fewer and fewer fares - prices and taxes will rise, creating a cycle of failure. As a result, some cities will make buses self-driving to cut costs. It could start with Tokyo, Shanghai, Oslo, et al. Again, it's unlikely that Portland or Oregon will be the first movers on this, but when cities start laying off hundreds of mass transit operators and cutting fares to practically nothing, there will be substantial public pressure to mimic locally. It will be inhumane, it will be illiberal, to make those impoverished bus-riding single mothers pay premiums. As most of the fleet becomes autonomous, responsive, and disconnected from labor costs, the next question arises: why do we still operate bus routes? Why big buses instead of smaller and nimble vehicles?
This alternative story/perspective leads to the same outcome: we figure out where people are going and when they need to get there - then dispatch the appropriate amount of vehicles to move that exact number of people as efficiently as possible.
But our local government getting its act together on all this is outside the world of possibility.
In a practical sense, we're going to see history repeat itself. Portland's mass transit history is about private and public entities over-extending themselves, getting too deep in debt on a flawed and outdated idea. As a result, the system collapses into consolidation or liquidation. Following this historical pattern, TriMet/Metro won't respond to changing conditions fast enough, and laughably stupid ideas like cranking up taxes or increasing ridership fares will continue to be the only option until the media finally acknowledges these groups are insolvent. I just hope we don't spend tens of billions of dollars propping up this zombie system before we can soberly realize that we made some mistakes and these vanity-laden projects 20 and 30 years ago need to die.
You see, the biggest flaw with TriMet isn't the design, it needs to be outpaced by technology, it's that the people making decisions at TriMet and Metro are going to make the politically expedient decisions, not the right decisions. They won't redesign, and they won't leverage technology for cost savings, so this charade will just get going along until the media simply declares they're insolvent.
Back to fares for a second - the media happily reprints TriMet's horseshit take about "The higher fares will bring in an estimated $4.9 million in annual revenue starting next year, the report says." Just sort of amazing to me there's no skepticism about this number - but most spectacular is no media considerations about alternative solutions. For example, I could tell TriMet how to save $9,548,091 next year - a useless program primarily utilized by white middle-class folks who own alternative methods of transport - and this would inconvenience way less transit-dependent people than raising fares. But, that's off the table - we're not even developing a decision matrix for when we kill the blackhole of money known as WES.

I know that this is so stupid and privileged and such a first world problem, but I am holding back tears in this stupid nail salon. Nail techs, if you’re not able to do something just say no! I just wanted to do something nice for myself and allow myself to get my nails done. I haven’t been able to afford them in months and I just wanted to put a little care and love into myself.
All I wanted was a medium length coffin pink french tip. Instead I have teeny tiny chiclet nails that look NOTHING like the picture I showed. I went with something simple to avoid disappointment from a new nail tech and I still got fucked. I had to pay extra for it too!
I want to cry so bad, I’m an idiot for thinking one thing I would do for myself this year would go right. After how hard this winter had been, I just wanted to feel beautiful and now I just want to take them off.

My cat came home today from being outside for a few hours with this new completely hairless patch on his front leg. Do you know what it might be?
He seems to be in a bit of pain and walks around a bit stiffly and has difficulty jumping up to the sink to drink and such. He has less energy, and he has less appetite, but he still eats and he is able to pee and poop without difficulty.
He is a short-haired Maine Coon. He is a bit over 1 years old.

• **Species: Domesticated Cat
• **Age: 1 y 3 m
• **Sex/Neuter status: Male, neutered
• **Breed: Short Haired Maine Coon
• **Body weight: 5 kg
• **History: No other medical history
• **Clinical signs: Initially: Hair loss, a bit in pain (meaws when touched, but is not aggressive in any way), loss of balance (walks aroud a bit stiffly and fails to jump up to the sink to drink) lethargic, can only lick front paws and legs, but can urinate, eat, and poop. He is not aggressive.

Update: 10 days on, all the other symptoms are gone, but the hair loss is still visible and the skin underneath has turned from light red/pink to light blue/gray. Though he is more skittish to loud sounds than before his injury, otherwise he seems to be his normal self.

• **Duration: 10 days (and counting)
• **Your general location: Norway
• **Links to test results, vet reports, X-rays etc. NA

Girls: Izzy
Boys: Ezekiel, Mal
Episode 26: Hawaiian Punch
"Previously, on Total Drama World Tour!" Chris said, the first clip of the recap showing a pan from the wrecked plane to Izzy, Mal, and the host himself. "The Final Three took off like bats out of Drumheller," Chris continued as Mal was shown ducking behind a rock with a smirk, Izzy and Topher took off into the air in a makeshift hot air balloon, and Ezekiel was reading a newspaper in the train's passenger car.
"Unfortunately, Izzy brought Topher the plane-wrecker along for the ride," Chris added as the two teens were shown flying into the hailstorm. "Even more unfortunate? A broken yeti heart." Mal was shown being disgusted by the yeti kissing him.
"Thankfully, Ezekiel Clone made things less crappy to watch," the host conceded as Ezekiel Clone was shown chasing Ezekiel around the dessert cart. "Good times!" the host added as Ezekiel's boat hit a naval mine and were blown into the air.
"In the end, Mal the Mayhem King reached Hawaii first," he said as Mal's triumphant arrival on the beach was shown. "And Captain Canada and Princess Destructo tied for second place," he added as Ezekiel's boat was shown crashing into Izzy's, sending both finalists and Topher flying onto the beach at the same time. Chris laughed as the Final Three reacted with shock at the tie.
"Who will Mal face in the final challenge?" Chris asked, the recap ending with a flash to the beach, where the Final Three were lined up behind him. "And who will go home with a million dollars?!" he exclaimed in a dramatic emcee's voice. "Iiiiiit's finale time! Right here, on Total! Drama! World Tour!"
XXXXX
"Welcome to the live finale of Total Drama World Tour," Chris said, a triumphant tune already playing as the camera zoomed in on him, the finalists, and Dawn and Harold standing on the beach. "Moments ago, these guys tied for second in a boat sandwich," he said, the shot zooming in on the finalists before he stepped over to join them. "Tasty!" he added.
"During the break, we sent them to vent in the confessional. Check it!" Chris told the camera.
Confessional: Izzy
Izzy was first, and the new Hawaiian confessional seemed to be a roofless wooden outhouse set up somewhere in the jungle, based on the vines that were drooping into it.
"Finale time!!! I can't wait to purchase my very own race track and monster truck!" she cheered. "Granted, I tied with Ezekiel to the finish line, but I think I can handle him."
She paused for a moment. "It's Mal that's the most challenging. He shouldn't be in juvenile detention. That guy belongs in jail!"
Confessional: Ezekiel
Ezekiel's confessional started with a whoop of joy. "I can't believe how close I am to the million dollars! With that amount of money, I can hire more teachers to homeschool me and buy new and advanced books to study from."
He facepalmed his head. "I just have to beat Izzy and Mal in order to reach that goal."
Confessional: Mal
Mal was next. "Getting rid of the fifteen past losers was sweeter than lollipops and cotton candy combined! And with Mike trapped in my subconscious, that million dollars is mine!"
He delved into maniacal laughter once more, with the background fading into a fiery inferno before the shot zoomed into his subconscious again.
Mike, Manitoba Smith, Vito, Svetlana, and Chester have reached the top, panting in exhaustion from the stairs they had climbed.
Mike, who still had Chester on his back, walked over to a red button in the center of the room. "Oh, come on. We came all the way up here for a lousy button?" Mike complained.
"It's a destruction button, you ninny!" Chester stated.
"What? What does it do?" Svetlana asked.
"You see this tower here?" Chester started. "You press this button, and the tower goes kaboom!"
"Why would Mal have a self-destruct button?" Vito asked incredulously.
"Mal made this tower and since his head is all swelled up, he put this button there just to mock us for not being able to stand up to him," Manitoba deduced.
"But what if it hurts all of us?" Mike asked in concern.
"It's not going to kill us. That's not how DID works!" Chester moaned. "Mal will lose control of his body when his tower is destroyed."
"And after that, Mike and Mal will have to go one-on-one to see who'll claim control!" Svetlana realized.
"Hold up. I have to fight Mal?" Mike said in shock.
"You two are the most dominant out of us," Vito reasoned. "If me or anyone else tried to face him, we'd lose immediately."
"And if Mal defeats you, we'll be back to being under his control, and so will you, for the rest of your life!" Manitoba emphasized.
"That means I won't see my family or friends ever again," Mike gasped. "I have to do this!"
\
"Go Team Ezekiel!" Sadie cheered, drawing attention to the stands just off to the side where most of the rest of the cast were seated. "Your team is rooting for you!" she said, waving a small flag with the home-schooled guy's face on it.
"Why are they in teams?" Mal asked Chris, stepping towards him and shooting a skeptical look towards the gallery. "And why do I not have one?"
"The Peanut Gallery's playing a major role in choosing a winner," Chris explained, earning a cheer from those in the stand.
"Sweet," Duncan grinned. "I guess we're all voting on the winner again."
"A vote?" Mal said blankly and nervously.
"Yep. If you can't tell, you're done for," Noah smirked.
"We are here for you Izzy!" Owen said. "So show them you're the boss!"
"But first," Chris said as the music turned tense, "we gotta break a tie. Mal," he turned to the evil personality, "you won the race to Hawaii, so, your reward is this advantage: you can select the tiebreaker yourself, or you can let Izzy or Ezekiel do it."
"Like I'd give these short sacks a choice," Mal said with a chuckle. "I'll do it!"
"I was hoping you'd say that," Chris said with an ominous laugh that caused Mal to raise an eyebrow.
\
"Ta-da!" Chris said as the footage skipped forward to a close-up of a clear glass booth with some sort of yellowish bulb filled with small balls on top. "Each ball inside our challenge booth has a different tiebreaker written on it," he said, gesturing to the bulb as the shot pulled back to show the Final Three on the left and the Aftermath hosts behind the booth on the right. "So, take your pick!"
"This is going to be such a thrill," Mal said cynically before walking into the booth.
The door was closed and the machine whirred to a start, challenge music playing as Mal was pelted with the white golf balls of the challenge booth. "Are these golf balls?!" Mal yelled, wincing with every hit and causing the Peanut Gallery to laugh.
"I know for a fact that we only put ping pong balls in there," Harold said nervously, Dawn nodding in agreement.
"I know," Chris told them, "and I'm not mad. Just disappointed. I had to dial it up to meet my usual high standards!"
"Enough!" Mal said, still wincing with every hit. "This should stop right-" he said, tilting his head up as he tried to reach for the bottom of the bulb – the source of the balls. He was cut off abruptly, and suddenly put a hand to his throat. His eyes starting to bulge, he barged his way out of the booth and began to gag.
"No ball, no exit," Chris told him. "Back you go!"
Mal stayed put, grabbing his throat as he coughed and choked about. Eventually, he spat up a ball, and it landed in a small pool of spit in the sand.
"Dawn, Harold, go ahead and read that, would you?" Chris asked them.
"Yuck," Dawn winced, crouching down to pick up the spit-covered golf ball in two fingers. "Mal has selected the Traditional Hawaiian Fire Dance of...Death?" she announced, ominous music playing as Ezekiel frowned at the news while Izzy clapped for it.
\
The same Hawaiian tune that had been used in the past couple of episodes was playing as the footage skipped ahead to Ezekiel and Izzy standing on opposite ends of a wooden platform in the ocean, each dressed in coconut bras and grass skirts and holding padded jousting sticks. Between them was Mal, tied up tightly to a pole in the center of the platform.
"Why does a male warrior have to wear a coconut bra," Ezekiel commented, motioning to the odd piece of equipment.
"Forget about tradition?" Mal griped as the Hawaiian music cut out. "I'm stuck to a pole!"
Those in the gallery laughed. "He's funny when he's tied up and can't hurt me!" Owen laughed.
"Once I win this finale!" Mal countered, "you will all treat me with the utmost respect! I will not be forgotten again!"
"Right," Chris told him, the shot cutting to him and Chef on the beach – the hulking man in a floral-print skirt with a bow in his hand and a quiver of arrows on his back. "The first person to free Mal wins the last spot in the Final Two," Chris announced, "and a shot at the million!"
"I have one more question," Izzy spoke up. "If no one frees him, would that make me and Ezekiel the Final Two?"
"Hey!" Mal said in outrage.
"Won't work, I already checked," Chris answered. "Chef, would you do the honors?" he asked his assistant, the man drawing back two flaming arrows and releasing them with a twang. They struck a darkened patch on either side of the platform, just behind each competitor, which promptly burst into blazing fires that startled Izzy and Ezekiel.
"Oh, and stay out of the water," Chris added. "Starting...," Chef shot off another pair of arrows, these ones tipped with steaks, "now!" The arrows landed in the water where a pair of shark fins were already circling; one rose up and swallowed an arrow just as it plunked into the water.
"Good thing we're out of the game," Ella whispered over to Sadie.
"And rekindled our friendship in the process," Sadie agreed as challenge music began to play.
The gallery began to cheer and holler as the camera zoomed in on the platform, Izzy quickly taking the offense by swiping at Ezekiel with her jousting stick. "Prepare to go down!" she said, slamming her stick down hard against his as he tried to block.
"I'm too young to die, eh. I'm gonna take you down!" Ezekiel glared and blocked Izzy.
"Stay on your guard, Zeke!" Topher encouraged him.
"Go for her legs! It's easy!" Shawn spoke out as well.
"Alright, Izzy! You can pound him into meat!" Eva shouted.
"I'd ask any of you for my encouragement, but it'd be useless," Mal mumbled.
"I don't support people who mess with my best friends!" Sky said firmly.
Mal scowled back at her, and an arrow from Chef hit the pole he was tied to, causing it to burn up while Mal tried to blow it away.
His view was covered by Ezekiel having the upper hand on Izzy and thrusting her back. "Save yourself the trouble and let me win!" he said and continued to push his jousting stick onto Izzy and send her closer to her edge.
"Someone better win or I'm going to burst into flames!" Mal yelled impatiently.
Izzy struggled under Ezekiel's stick, but an idea formed in her head. "Hey Ezekiel, I see a hawk that's flying towards you," she fibbed.
"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" Ezekiel said. "Nice try."
"Darn it!" Izzy cursed under her breath.
Ezekiel pushed her to the ground, and just as he was about to swipe her off, Izzy lifted her stick and hit Ezekiel's foot with it. The homeschooler howled in pain and let his guard down, and Izzy used the opportunity to jab the padded end of her stick at his chin, knocking him a couple inches into the air and allowing his jousting stick to sink into the water.
He landed on the platform on his back, and Izzy quickly ran over to Mal. The camera angle switched to show her hands darting to the knot on the back, already partially undone, and seconds later the ropes slid off Mal as the challenge music ended.
"It's about time you got me out!" Mal whined. "You took too long to beat Ezekiel of all people."
"You leave him alone!" Izzy snapped. "He's proven himself to be more capable than any of us this season, and he is twice the person you will ever be!"
Ezekiel, still lying on his back, took the moment to smile. "That really means a lot coming from you," he told Izzy.
"Sorry I had to defeat you just to reach the finals," Izzy said as he helped Ezekiel back on his feet. "Are you going to be fine with taking third place?"
"I'm not going to win the cash prize," Ezekiel admitted, "but I've made friends, improved my views on the outside world, and gained a girlfriend from this show. That's more than enough for me now!"
Mal rolled his eyes, and someone in a hazmat suit appeared on the platform with a fire extinguisher. As they began putting out the flame on the fallen charmer's side, the former Final Three made their way to the edge of the platform to the general cheering of the unseen gallery.
\
The scene skipped forward to Izzy (back in her usual clothing) and Mal standing on the beach with Chris, the person in the hazmat suit clinging to the burning and sinking wreckage of the platform in the background.
"Now that we have our Final Two," Chris said with a broad smile, "it's my pleasure to announce the Peanut Gallery will not be voting for the winner."
"Yeah!" Mal said in triumph.
"Wait," Topher spoke up. "You said we were supposed to be playing a major role."
"Yep," Chris told him. "Just not in a vote-y kinda way. Prepare to have your minds blown out by the most lethal challenge in Total Drama history!" he announced dramatically.
"Izzy," he said as a shot of The Psycho Hose Beast smiling goofily against a red background, "versus Mal," a shot of The Malevolent One grinning darkly against a bluish background took over the screen, "versus the Volcano!" The shot changed to a distance shot of a volcano as it belched out a plume of smoke.
"Back in the day," Chris said as the scene cut to him standing between the two finalists; Mal on his left behind a light blue rug, Izzy on his right behind a light red rug; "human sacrifices were tossed into Kilauea volcano to appease the Gods. Sadly, the lawyers won't let me use real people as sacrifices. So! Mal and Izzy will have to make sacrifice stand-ins, using the island's most abundant resources."
The camera followed off-screen, landing on a pile of "Pineapples, and driftwood!"
"And to make it nice and symbolic," Chris continued as the shot cut back to him and the finalists, "you guys have to make dummies of each other to dump in the volcano. Now, you each get to pick two helpers."
"I'm not letting either of you pick me," Duncan immediately told them.
"I'll pick Eva," Izzy said immediately.
"Great!" Eva said standing up. "We'll win this one!"
"Exactly," Izzy smiled. "And my second choice is Noah."
"I normally don't care about contests, but this is one I can't sit out on," Noah said with a smile of his own.
"Sorry, Big-O! I need Team E-Scope for this part!" Izzy told her boyfriend.
"No problem. I want you to win with the best of the best," Owen told her.
Mal looked at the Gallery nervously, the camera panning across Peanut Gallery, all its members glaring at him. "Do I have to pick two?" Mal asked the host.
"Definitely! And all of them hate you." Chris snickered.
Mal groaned under his breath. "In that case, I'm choosing Sky first!"
"I'll help…but only for Mike!" Sky enforced.
"And lastly," Mal scanned the Gallery again, "I'll take Shawn!"
"I would refuse, but the rules won't allow me to do so," Shawn shrugged.
\
"Okay! We have our helpers!" Chris said as the scene flashed back to the two colored rugs; Izzy by the light red with Eva and Noah, Mal by the light blue with Shawn and Sky. "Now, Izzy and Mal, you have to stay on your mats and direct your helpers to bring you logs, driftwood,and pineapples that resemble parts of your opponent. And to make things a little more rhymey~!" He added with an excited smile as the all-to-familiar dings sounded and the musical note icon appeared on-screen.
///\
[A reverent, almost chanted riff opened as Sky and Shawn looked up and back, and the colors of the scene shifted to something more animated: the two in blue, against a background of reddish-pink flowers. The shot changed so that it seemed to be looking up at a blue volcano as it erupted against the floral background, and a blue and almost larger-than-life Mal emerged from its peak and with a laurel wreath on his head.]
"Hey peons, you should head straight! Don't ask, it'll make me ache!"
[He sang commandingly as a hip-hop tune began; holding out his arm as if to catch something before an almost cartoonish thunderbolt appeared in his hands. He threw it, and the camera followed it down to Shawn and Sky. They were forced to flee before the bolt struck where they'd been loitering along the ground.]
"You two, get me; wood shaped, like Izzy's tiny fe~et!"
[His helpers ran to a titanic pile of neatly-stacked blue logs, and the shot cut back to Mal idly examining his fingernails before turning to his helpers and smirking as he finished the line. The shot panned to the right to a red volcano as it, too, erupted; a red Izzy emerged from it, also wearing a laurel wreath.]
"Come on, come on, move it fast! Hurry, hurry, won't be last!
[She sang as another cartoonish thunderbolt appeared in her hands, casting her opponent a disparaging glance then throwing the bolt over her head down at the red Noah and Eva below. They too were forced to flee before the bolt struck where they'd been loitering.]
"Find wood that looks like him, so pencil-like and sli~im!"
[The camera continued to follow Eva and Noah as they ran past Sky, who was securing a rope to a peg on the side of a large hunk of wood. She briefly turned her head to watch them, then turned back and tugged the rope extending up off-screen.]
"I'm gonna win it (Yeah!) And you can't take it (No!) I'm right here in it (Yeah!) But you just fake it! (Oh!)"
[The two finalists sang, together even with the chanted words in the background. As they dueled the shot moved from Mal, his hands alternately throwing lightning bolts at his helpers, to Scarlett, throwing only one bolt, to both as they turned to one another and sent their god-like abilities at each other, resulting in an explosion of purple smoke that took over the scene.]
"Are these legs thin enough?"
[Eva called out, the smoke dissipating into her close-up before the shot zoomed out to show her standing on a pale gray scaffold next to another large chunk of wood suspended by a rope tied to a peg.
"Uh-huh!" Izzy replied from off-screen.
"H~ey!" Mal sang, the camera panning up to a higher level of the scaffold where Shawn was standing next to a rather thin piece of wood, also suspended point-down on a rope.
"Man, is this neck squeezed enough?" he asked, receiving a red thunderbolt for his trouble.]
"Whoo! Now it's psycho versus insane; Mal and Izzy cause some pain and!"
[The purple smoke cleared to show Shawn in his Drama Brothers outfit and a mic in his hand; the beat changed slightly as he began to rap from a small pillar of rock between the two finalists. The camera rotated about him as he gestured over his shoulder first at the finalists.]
"All this tension for the million; to that I have no opinion!"
[The camera zoomed in as he smirked and threw a dollar bill in the air, then zoomed back out as he got in front of Izzy, who threw a thunderbolt at him.]
"That is good, hurry back; I need arms weak and slack!"
[Mal continued in a commanding tone as Shawn, now riding atop another cone-like piece of wood as it was carried along by the attached rope, met up with Sky who was in a similar position and the shot cut back to Mal.]
"Her butt is su-per flat; And don't forget that!"
[Mal sang. He then turned to Izzy and shot her a mocking smile.]
"Get me two stringy knees; and hands like flat cheese!"
[Izzy responded, throwing another thunderbolt at her two tiny followers. Eva quickly ran away but Noah stayed in place and looked at her.]
"One more thing should be said; Don't forget his big head!"
[She pointed to a pile of giant red pineapples. Noah nodded then ran off.]
"I'm gonna win it (Yeah!) And you can't take it (No!) I'm right here in it (Yeah!) But you just fake it! (Oh!)"
[The two finalists repeated, once again sending their lightning towards their respective helpers before turning their god-like powers on each other.]
"All of this hard work; won't make me go berserk!"
[Eva sang, the smoke dissipating to show her on the scaffold once more next to a long and surprisingly arm-like piece of wood. The shot zoomed out to show it already affixed to her team's effigy – currently a long piece for the chest, a slightly bulkier piece for the waist, and two skinny legs; all pieces were connected by the shorter wooden pegs the ropes had been tied to. On the other side of the scaffold was the effigy Mal's team had created – two small, thin pieces for the chest and waist, two thin arms and a somewhat curvy leg; the effigy was kept upright by a rope tied around the short peg where the neck would be.]
"Now place the head right there; Pineapple, not pe~ar!"
[Izzy told her, looking down before the shot cut to Noah trying to push a massive red pineapple across the ground.]
"I'm gonna win it (Yeah!) And you can't take it (No!) I'm right here in it (Yeah!) But you just fake it! (Oh!)"
[The finalists repeated a third time, sending their lightning towards their helpers at a slightly faster pace than before. And still, they ended up turning their god-like powers towards one another to cause another purple explosion.]
"I'm gonna cash it! (Yeah!) You'll never win it! (No!) You should trash it! (Yeah!)"
[They continued as the smoke dissipated to reveal Eva and Noah carrying their red pineapple, before gaping in shock as Sky managed to slot her team's head down in its proper place.]
"'Cause I just did i~it!"
[Mal sang triumphantly, the shot pulling back to show Sky sighing in relief, Shawn on the other side wiping the sweat from his face. The scene finally cut to reality as the song ended, Mal smiling smugly with Sky and Shawn beside him, the two of them not looking at all enthusiastic.]
///
"And Mal takes the lead!" Chris announced over a shot of Izzy squinting at her opponent. "Next step, haul your sacrifice to the top of Kilauea and toss her into the volcano, like so!"
The shot quick-panned away from the host all the way up to the crater where a person in a hazmat suit tossed a crash test dummy into the magma below. This, however, caused molten rock to splash back up, partially coating the person in the hazmat suit. They screamed in pain as fire engulfed them, and ran away scorched.
"Yeah," Chris said as the shot cut back to him, "watch out for the back-splash. We'll be right back with all the hardcore lava-riffic sizzling finale action," he told the camera, "here! On Total! Drama! World Tour!"
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(Commercial Break)
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Here's my list for this weekend, I'm sure there is plenty I missed so please add it down below. Also, at popular request you can now get this as a newsletter. Sign up and maybe one day I'll be able to afford Dunkin' more than twice a week.

THURSDAY - JUNE 1

Red Sox vs Cincinnati Reds @ Fenway Park @ 7PM
Discussion: Black Art @ MFA @ 7PM Join this conversation with Boston community leaders about what it means to have a “seat at the table” and why representation is vital in art institutions.
Julieta Venegas @ Shubert Theatre @ 8PM Hear Julieta Venegas - one of the greatest pioneers of Spanish-language pop music, live in Boston!
The Music of George Gershwin @ Symphony Hall @ 8PM Two of today’s most celebrated artists—Jean-Yves Thibaudet and Michael Feinstein - come together to celebrate the legacy of Gershwin and his peers.
Hayley Kiyoko @ House of Blues @ 6PM
The Backseat Lovers @ Roadrunner @ 8PM
Panchiko @ Paradise Rock Club @ 7PM
Rosie @ Brighton Music Hall @ 7PM

FRIDAY- JUNE 2

Red Sox vs Rays @ Fenway Park @ 7PM *Promotion: Lou Gehrig Day
First Fridays: Poolside Pride @ ICA @ 5PM Start pride month with ICA’s monthly after-hours party where you can enjoy art, dance, try summer drinks, and watch a dazzling drag performance.
‘True Crime Obsessed’ Podcast LIVE @ The Wilbur @ 7:30PM ‘True Crime Obsessed’ is a leading podcast in its genre, with over 200 million downloads.
Ricardo Arjona @ Agganis Arena @ 8PM
Hippo Campus @ Leader Bank Pavilion @ 7:30PM *With Gus Dapperton
Logic @ MGM Music Hall @ 8PM *With Juicy J
Thrice @ House of Blues @ 7PM
ARMNHMR @ Big Night Live @ 9:30PM
Big Wreck @ Paradise Rock Club @ 7PM
Jake Swamp and the Pine @ Brighton Music Hall @ 7PM

SATURDAY- JUNE 3

Red Sox vs Rays @ Fenway Park @ 1PM / 6PM
Beyond the Spectrum Kids: Oceans & Boats @ MFA @ 10:30AM In this class, kids will explore the theme of the sea and boats in art and make their own acrylic paintings.
Red Bull’s Cliff Diving World Series @ ICA @ 10AM Catch the season opening of the Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series at the ICA
Stars On Ice 2023 @ Agganis Arena @ 7:30PM *Featuring Olympic Champion Nathan Chen and other U.S. Olympic Medalists.
Sam Jay Stand Up @ The Wilbur @ 7PM
New England Film Orchestra @ Hatch Memorial Shell @ 7PM Family-friendly show with sci-fi and space film music.
Video Games Live @ Symphony Hall @ 8PM Feel the adrenaline with this immersive concert experience featuring music from the most iconic video games of all time, soundtracked by the amazing Boston Pops.
Walker Hayes @ Leader Bank Pavilion @ 6:30PM
GRYFFIN @ MGM Music Hall @ 8PM
GRYFFIN @ Big Night Live @ 10:30PM
BANG YOUNGGUK @ Big Night Live @ 6PM
Y’all Out Boy @ Paradise Rock Club @ 7PM
Peezy @ Brighton Music Hall @ 7PM

SUNDAY- JUNE 4

Red Sox vs Rays @ Fenway Park @ 1:30PM
Artist Talk: Tabaimo @ MFA @ 2PM Tabaimo joins an MFA curator and a scholar to discuss her groundbreaking work in capturing contemporary Japanese society through unique video installations.
Yoga & Meditation in the Galleries @ Peabody Essex Museum Enjoy a peaceful morning at PEM doing yoga at 9AM, followed by a session of relaxing meditation at 10.
Baroque Masterpieces from Epic Films in Concert @ Berklee Performance Center @ 8PM For this intimate solo recital, the triumphant Polina Osetinskaya turns to a program of some of the most enduring musical masterpieces in history.
Symphony for Science @ Symphony Hall @ 3PM Symphony for Science is an annual benefit concert that aims to raise awareness, funds, and hope for healthcare and STEM education causes.
Billy Joel Tribute @ Hanover Theatre @ 7:30PM A band plays tribute to one of the foremost songwriters of the twentieth century, Billy Joel.
Full Spin Drag Show x Britney Spears @ Crystal Ballroom @ 8PM
Eladio Carrion @ House of Blues @ 7PM
Inner Wave @ Brighton Music Hall @ 7PM
‘Pride Calling’ Party @ Big Night Live @ 8PM

All weekend

All weekend - 'Evita' Opera @ Loeb Drama Center @ 7:30PM Inspired by the real life of the iconic Eva Perón, this Tony-award winning rock opera is remastered and back on stage after much anticipation!
All weekend - 'Sleeping Beauty' Ballet @ Citizens Bank Opera House LAST CHANCE - Hear one of Tchaikovsky’s greatest compositions performed live by the Boston Ballet Orchestra and witness magic and adventure unfold before you.

Ongoing events

Ongoing - Musical Shows @ MoS Planetarium Museum of Science puts on special experiences adapting the music of Coldplay, Rihanna, Pink Floyd, and Prince to immersive visuals in the Charles Hayden Planetarium
Ongoing - ‘Wedding Fashion and Traditions Exhibition @ MFA NEW - The exhibition explores the origins and development of wedding customs in the United States through fashion, jewlery, and photography.
Ongoing - 'E.Jane: Drenched in Light' Exhibition @ MFA E. Jane's work explores the labor and inner lives of Black women and the future of Blackness and queerness.
Ongoing - ‘Otherworldy Realms of Wu Junyong’ Exhibition @ MFA Inspired by Chinese folklore and Greek mythology, Wu Junyong’s mixed-media works seamlessly blend diverse historical traditions with his contemporary experience to express human emotions, conflicts, and aspirations that transcend time and borders.
Ongoing - 'Touching Roots' Exhibition @ MFA This exhibition traces narratives of Blackness across the Atlantic world by bringing together work from artists who absorbed and reinterpreted African artistic practices, sacred customs, and cultural expressions.
Ongoing - 'Hokusai: Inspiration and Influence' Exhibition @ MFA The exhibition explores Katsushika Hokusai's impact during his lifetime and beyond. More than 100 woodblock prints, paintings, and illustrated books by Hokusai are on view alongside about 200 works by his teachers, students, rivals, and admirers.
Ongoing - 'Who Holds Up the Sky' Exhibition @ MFA Organized in partnership with a Ukrainian NGO, this exhibition presents the work of artists who have been documenting the war—providing testimony of Russia’s crimes and a glimpse into many Ukrainian citizens’ lives.
Ongoing - 'María Berrío: The Children’s Crusade' Exhibition @ ICA Innovative, unique, and touching, María Berrío's work is a blend of watercolor painting and collaging inspired by poetry, folklore, and realms of magic and how these elements are woven into our reality.
Ongoing - Simone Leigh Exhibition @ ICA Simone Leigh’s landmark masterpieces from the 2022 Venice Biennale are now on view along her other key works.
Ongoing - ‘American Art from the Spanish Empire’ Exhibition @ Harvard Art Museums The exhibition showcases Spanish colonial paintings from South America and the Caribbean and reflects on the colonial past of the America’s and the role of art in imperialism.