Please note that the ticket links are usually for general admission; for VIP tickets, if available, you may have to go to the band's website.
Saturday, Apr 1, 2023

Magnolia Park, Arrows In Action, Poptropicaslutz!, First and Forever	Orpheum - Tampa
Until I Wake, Dark Divine, Catch Your Breath	Conduit - Winter Park
Svinfylking, Warrior's Chalice, Tunnels of Set, Slutwitch, Sacrilous, Othalan	Brass Mug - Tampa

Sunday, Apr 2, 2023

Nothing More, Crown the Empire, Thousand Below	Jannus - St. Petersburg
Free Throw, Can’t Swim, Heart to Gold, Early Humans	Orpheum - Tampa
Distant, Paleface	Justice Pub - Jacksonville

Wednesday, Apr 5, 2023

Lorna Shore, Shadow of Intent, Bodysnatcher, Boundaries	Jannus - St. Petersburg

Thursday, Apr 6, 2023

Cold, Divide The Fall, Awake for Days, Sygnal to Noise, Death Valley Dreams	Jack Rabbits - Jacksonville

Friday, Apr 7, 2023

Cold, Divide The Fall, Awake for Days, Sygnal to Noise, Death Valley Dreams	The Social - Orlando
Deicide, Three Knuckles Deep, Killing Addiction, Vacuous Depths	Conduit - Winter Park
Southpaw, Stay Lost, Still Here, Losing Daylight	1904 Music Hall - Jacksonville

Saturday, Apr 8, 2023

Carcass, Municipal Waste, Sacred Reich, Creeping Death	Orpheum - Tampa

Sunday, Apr 9, 2023

Eyehategod, Goatwhore	Brass Mug - Tampa
Escuela Grind, Bonginator	Orpheum - Tampa
Rosegarden Funeral Party, Caustic Bats	Conduit - Winter Park

Monday, Apr 10, 2023

Cold, Divide The Fall, Awake for Days, Sygnal to Noise, Death Valley Dreams	Orpheum - Tampa
Escuela Grind, Bonginator	Gramps - Miami

Tuesday, Apr 11, 2023

Gorod, Cognitive, Summoning The Lich, Flub	Crowbar - Tampa

Wednesday, Apr 12, 2023

Wage War, nothing,nowhere., Spite	Jannus - St. Petersburg
Speed, Kharma, Day by Day, Three Knee Deep	Crowbar - Tampa
Lead Into Gold, Aeon Rings, Bacon Grease	Will's Pub - Orlando

Friday, Apr 14, 2023

Shinedown, Three Days Grace, From Ashes to New	VyStar Veterans Memorial Arena - Jacksonville
Flagman, Rose Madder, Breed, Fabricate	Conduit - Winter Park

Saturday, Apr 15, 2023

Shinedown, Three Days Grace, From Ashes to New	Amway Center - Orlando
Whitechapel, Archspire, Signs of the Swarm, Entheos	Orpheum - Tampa

Sunday, Apr 16, 2023

Slaughter To Prevail	Orpheum - Tampa
Queensryche	Jannus - St. Petersburg
Whitechapel, Archspire, Signs of the Swarm, Entheos	Revolution - Fort Lauderdale
Icon for Hire, Hooked Like Helen, Dancing with Ghosts	Conduit - Winter Park
Dead Reckoning, Direct Burial, Final Feud, Ultimaum	The Justice Pub - Jacksonville

Monday, Apr 17, 2023

Slaughter To Prevail	Underbelly - Jacksonville

Tuesday, Apr 18, 2023

Styx, Night Ranger	St. Augustine Amphitheatre

Thursday, Apr 20, 2023

Anvil, Beyond Silence, Midnite Hellion, Castle Hill	Jack Rabbits - Jacksonville
Catcher and the Rye, Sworn to Decay, Higher Ground, What We Seek, Gallows Down	Brass Mug - Tampa

Friday, Apr 21, 2023

98Rockfest	Amalie Arena - Tampa
Morbid Angel, Revocation, Vitriol, Crypta	Orpheum - Tampa
The Plot In You, Holding Absence, Thornhill, Banks Arcade	The Beacham - Orlando
Anvil, Beyond Silence, Midnite Hellion, Castle Hill	Respectable Street - West Palm Beach
Traverser, Devils Envy, Leaving Haven, Silenmara	Conduit - Winter Park
Green Jelly, Collapsor, Abortion Twins, Kindly Shut Up!, One Trip Little	Brass Mug - Tampa
Regions, Pure Bliss, Murkov, Days Spent, Gas FL	Noise Box - Tampa

Saturday, Apr 22, 2023

Earthday Birthday	Central Florida Fairgrounds
Anvil, Beyond Silence, Midnite Hellion, Castle Hill	Conduit - Winter Park
Against The Current, Trophy Eyes, Yours Truly	Level 13 - Orlando

Sunday, Apr 23, 2023

Planet Band Camp	St. Augustine Amphitheatre
Anvil, Beyond Silence, Midnite Hellion, Castle Hill	Loosey's - Gainesville
Tendencia, Must Not Kill, March of the Fallen, The Horribles, 123Terrible	Orpheum - Tampa

Wednesday, Apr 26, 2023

Spiritbox, After The Burial, Intervals	House of Blues - Orlando
Mac Sabbath, Roxx Revolt & The Velvets	Crowbar - Tampa

Thursday, Apr 27, 2023

Dropout Kings, Fatal Frames	Crowbar - Tampa

Saturday, Apr 29, 2023

The Black Dahlia Murder, Terror, Frozen Soul, Fuming Mouth, Phobophilic	The Beacham - Orlando
Vampires Everywhere	Respectable Street - West Palm Beach

Sunday, Apr 30, 2023

VV	House of Blues - Orlando
The Black Dahlia Murder, Terror, Frozen Soul, Fuming Mouth, Phobophilic	The Ritz - Tampa
Vampires Everywhere	Conduit - Winter Park

Upcoming concerts/festivals

Never been to an adult theater. Want to know the best times to go and next theater to go to in west palm beach.

Hmu

"Power is like a bionic upgrade. Anyone can get it, but it takes true wisdom to use it for good."
In the 1980s, 'Project Albatross' was discovered by the Imperial State, which are definitely not and have no relation to Nazis (so long as you're playing the game outside of Japan). While they try and enact the plan, the US-like Republic (already at war with the Imperial State) send the renown commando Super Joe behind enemy lines to try and bring a stop to it. He failed, getting captured. As such, a second commando was chosen to both carry on his original plan as well as to perform a one-man rescue mission: Nathan (or Rad) Spencer. But it wasn't just his skills, talents, and weaponry that allowed him to rescue Joe, put a stop to the Imperial State, and kill a reanimated Hitler Master-D. He had a bionic arm, which can grapple things. Beyond this base story, each different canon tells a different interpretation of events.
Every individual canon is listed separately below, with different sources within the same canon being tagged separately. Elements of the Rearmed games appear in the 2009 remake (characters introduced in Rearmed appear in 2009, Rearmed 2's ending lays out the public mistrust in bionics and Joe's betrayal of Spenser which is a key part in the remake), implying they may be in the same canon, but with the lack of direct confirmation on this as well as the radical difference between the games they are listed separately.

Bionic Commando (NES)

Weapons

All weapons can break shield generators, large machines, and vehicles with repeat shots, unless a stronger weapon is used.

• A regular gun
• A machine gun
• The wide gun shoots a spread of three projectiles
  • When used in a top-down level, it shoots a spread of four projectiles
• The three-way shoots blasts either up, forward, and down
• The rocket launcher shoots forward powerful, piercing projectiles
  • These two can both break girder barriers which other weapons can't damage
  • They can also blow open a metal door
• A hyper bazooka which destroys a large helicopter shooting through its cockpit

Arm

In this game, the bionic arm is a wrist-mounted device, rather than the entire arm.

• Used to swing off of surfaces and pull himself up onto them
• Holds onto a flying helicopter while carrying another person
• Grabs items
• Spins it in a circle around him, deflecting a bullet

Other Equipment

• The medicine can be used to fully heal Spenser, and the iron boots allows him to kill enemies in melee
• The communicator allows for video calls with head command
  • Can wiretap into specific locations in enemy bases to pick up messages left by others and to listen in on enemy conversations
  • There are different kinds of communicators which work in different zones
• Uses the flare bomb to light up a dark cave
• The pendant deflects one projectile from hitting Spenser
  • The helmet does this twice, while the bulletproof vest does it for every other shot
• Can pick up power ups which have a ball of energy orbit him for a while

Bionic Commando Rearmed

Feats marked '1' come from the first game, and feats marked '2' come from the sequel.

Strength

• Smashes a large amount of stone blocks by slamming on them from a height²
• Can grab enemies and use them as human shields before throwing them aside¹
• Throws a large barrel¹
  • Throws a barrel hard enough to cause an explosion against the D-1 bot¹
• Yanks apart stacked segments of a stone column¹
• Yanks the bolts that connect a siege machine to its armor, making it fly back from the recoil¹

Durability

• Falls down a large shaft in a cavern¹
  • In general, falling from great heights does not hurt him¹
• Seemingly jumps out of a helicopter without a parachute¹
• Is on a giant missile as it hits the ground, which failed to explode but still wrecked the surrounding area, and is unharmed²
• His arm "deflects most conventional enemy firepower"¹
  • Stated to be able to block bullets²

Speed

• Stated to be capable of blocking incoming gunfire with his arm²
• Whips a bullet out of the air with his grappling hook¹
  • Spencer says his arm can "deflect most conventional enemy firepower"¹
• Repeatedly catches rockets out of the air in a boss fight¹
  • Does it again¹
• Ducks under bullets in flight¹

Arm

General

• Can pull himself up to higher levels and swing from the ceiling¹
• Can pull large objects towards himself¹
• Can whip the grappling hook around as an attack¹
• Access codes for doors can be uploaded to his arm¹

Upgrades
In Rearmed 2, Spencer can obtain a number of upgrades to grant his bionic arm extra abilities, though he can only have one active at a time.

• Can make a powerful uppercut²
• A grenade launcher²
• Can be electrified to disable or stun foes²
• Hacking capabilities, allowing him to instantly cause a door to open²
  • Capable of compromising enemy units individually, or en masse if used on a relay station²
  • Without this upgrade, can hack enemy systems¹
• Can release drones which orbit around him, diving into and exploding on nearby threats²
  • Can intercept missiles²
• In Rearmed 2 he requires an upgrade to have his arm whip around him in a circle, with it being able to pass through walls while doing so²

Weapons

Types

• Revolver¹
• Machine Gun¹
• Shotgun²
  • Can be fired to swing Spencer back and forth on his grappling hook¹
  • Can be fired rapidly¹
• Plasma Rifle¹
  • Can charge up a more powerful shot¹
  • Capable of neutralizing energy shields, seen here¹
• Vector Cannon, which shoots a reflective beam¹
  • Shoots a second beam once upgraded¹
• Bazooka¹
  • The rocket can be manually controlled¹
• The WASP Bazooka launches multiple missiles simultaneously²
  • Has a 99% hit probability after locking on²
• Goliath Launcher fires a metal ball, which it attracts back to the weapon through magnetism to fire again²
• Napalm launcher²
• Yoro Viper shoots electric attacks which runs along surfaces and can overload generators²
• Grenades¹

Strength - Regular

• Breaks through a force field projector¹
• Breaks through a small turret¹
• Destroys a large, flying turret¹
• Blows up the treads of a large siege machine¹
• Destroys a barrel dispenser¹
• Blows up a tank droid¹

Strength - Explosive

• Blows through rock to reveal a hidden passage¹
• Blows up a military vehicle¹
• Blows through a wall¹
• Destroys notable amounts of stone²
• Destroys a thick barrier²
• Blows up a huge aerial war machine with repeated rocket shots¹

Other Equipment

• Uses Biovision to scan for valuable information and weak points¹
• Uses a parachute¹
• Has iron boots, hurting enemies when he swings into them¹
• Has a bulletproof vest¹
• Has flares¹
  • They automatically light up in dark areas¹

Other

• Fights and defeats someone who has similar bionic augmentations as Spencer¹
  • Groder survived, but was severely injured and had to be placed in some kind of life support suit¹
• Acts without issue on a giant missile as it flies through the air²

Bionic Commando (2009)

Comic feats are tagged with 'C'.

Strength

Striking

• Cracks before shattering reinforced glass
• Punches a robot in two
• Punches a terrorist across a room
• Pulls an enemy in before hitting them away
• Pulls himself in to an enemy to drop kick them a distance
  • Does this to a large flying drone, striking it back in the air
• Punches crates into the air before striking them away
• Hits a forklift into the air before striking it away
• Strikes a car into the air before backhanding it away
• Can slam the ground after falling, creating a shockwave which hurts people around him
  • Takes out four people surrounding his landing site^C
  • Breaks through a concrete shell
  • Repeatedly strikes an enormous robot like this to force them back into the hole in the ground they had dug

Pushing / Pulling

• Takes out a helmeted terrorist by slamming their head into a missile with his regular arm
• Tears off the head of a robot
• Pulls off two of a robot's wings, one with his bionic arm and another with his regular one
• Tears out a portion of a monorail car from the building it's embedded in
• Presumably pulls off the door of a mid-flight hoverjet

Lifting / Throwing

• Lifts enemies into the air and slams them down
• Throws a large rock, breaking a fragile cave wall
• Lifts and throws a boulder
• Lifts and throws cars through the air

Other

• Pulls around a car
• Stabs through a robot with its own wing
• Cuts off a robot's arm and head with its own wing

Durability

• Blocks hits from a speedster bionic
• Dropped out of a jet^C
• Takes several kicks in the face before dropping from a helicopter, falling an incredible distance to the ground, landing unconscious making it unlikely his boots could have taken the impact. He later awakens without notable injury
• Gets launched into a city through a missile
• Launched away from nearby missiles but grabs onto a nearby hoverjet to fool his attackers that he fell and died

Speed

• Hits away Joe's pistol pointing at his head before he can fire
• Blocks hits from a speedster bionic
• Avoids rotary gunfire and a missile^C

Arm

• His hand swaps between being shaped like a regular hand and being a grappling claw at will
• Can extend, having a long reach and letting Spencer swing on objects
  • Chains grabs to swing over gaps
  • Can rapidly reel him in, throwing him over a ledge
• The arm can grab onto flat surfaces, like the outside of buildings, and not just poles
  • Can reel in to pull those objects to him, like enemies
• After building up adrenaline, can spin his arm cable around him like a whip, hitting enemies away
  • Seen here
• Grabs onto an object to clothesline a speedster with its cable
• Can hack into machinery, deactivating nearby air mines and reading messages
  • Hacks a plane after pulling a panel off the top, causing it to move as he wishes
  • Possibly used to neutralize a turret, though it could have just been pulling a sensitive part
• Projects a holographic screen for video calls^C
• Is his wife
  • Was able to briefly talk to her while unconscious after learning this

Weapons

• His base weapon is a small, automatic gun
• A shotgun
• A machine gun
• A sniper rifle
• A rocket launcher
• A grenade launcher
• Throwable grenades

Other

• His boots break his falls, allowing him to drop lethal distances without injury
  • Drops multiple storeys without harm
• Will sink in water due to the weight of his arm
• Bionics, like his arm, are particularly sensitive to radiation

Marvel Vs. Capcom

Feats marked '3' are from Marvel vs. Capcom 3, and 'I' from Marvel vs. Capcom Infinite.

Strength

• Cracks the ground coming in on his intro³
• Can hit and juggle enemies high in the air³
• Bounces an opponent off the ground before slamming them down with his grappling arm, cracking the ground both times³
• As a super move, tears up the ground while charging forwards with a punch^I
• Pulls in and punches away an Ultron Sigma drone^I
• Pulls in an Xgardian before throwing them away^I

Durability

• Has his arm grabbed by Ultron Sigma, who swings him up and then back to the ground^I
• Blasted down by Ultron Sigma^I

Arm

• Can continue to use his arm to pull himself towards walls or opponents, and to pull opponents towards him³
• Grabs a coupling from a distance^I
• Has the electricity of Avenger's Tower channelled through his arm to electrocute Ultron Sigma, though this takes him down for a while after^I

Other

• Throws grenades^I
  • As a super move, knocks an opponent down, shoves a grenade in their mouth, and has them blown high into the air as it explodes^I

Bionic Commando (Worlds of Power)

The Worlds of Power series was an collection of children's books based on popular NES games, with Bionic Commando closely following the plot and levels of the original. The protagonist of Bionic Commando is named Jack Markson, but as this was before there was an official name given to the character I'm including the book's feats in this thread.
Chapter numbers are included in the feats.

Strength

• Can punch with the force of ten men
• Punches the first two people in a group of eight, knocking them all down
• Using iron boots, karate kicks a ten foot tall iron door, smashing it down
• Tears open a heavily barred door
• Tears off a giant octopus' tentacle
• Before getting his bionic arm, beats up some ninjas, kicking away one's sword, stunning them with a neck chop, then flipping another

Durability

• Survives falling twenty storeys into a swimming pool, but needs medical attention, as well as the amputation of his arm between the fall and the injury from a shuriken. He is unconscious for days after this fall
• Once got shot by four bullets intended for elephants, but it's unknown what state he was in after
• Withstood some kind of torture from Nazz agents, though what kind is never stated

Speed / Agility

• While under fire from Badd snipers, springs twenty feet across a room "just beating two bullets" to a safe spot
• Activates his arm as semi-automatic gunfire is shot at him, the arm reaching a building's second storey and pulling him out of the way of the bullets by inches
• Dodges a sniper bullet
• Evades an electronic ray
• Avoids a ninja's sword swing, flipping them in the air

Bionic Arm

• In the novel his arm is made of plastic, appears real at a glance, and releases a grappling hook by touching the palm
  • Reaches the second storey of a building and pulls him out of the way of bullets before they can hit him
  • Latches onto the side of an elevator shaft
• Has two grappling hooks, the second one activated with a second press, which attaches to an opposite wall as the first one was. These two pull him out of the grasp of an octopus which was keeping hold with one grappling hook
  • Alternates between these two to swing across a gap
• Can shoot a laser of almost a thousand degrees celsius, allowing him to evaporate a container of water by his hospital bed in an instant
  • Instantly melts ice which is causing him to uncontrollably slide
  • On setting its strength to max, sets fire to a giant venus fly trap eating him
  • Heats the guns of twenty Badd commandoes to the point where they're too hot to handle in a second
  • Lights a candle
• Can scramble electronic fields, allowing him to evade enemy monitoring devices while seemingly still allowing him to send his own messages
  • Scrambles the electronics of a robot that was otherwise immune to his attacks, freezing it
• The fingers are extremely sensitive, allowing the arm to be used to open safes and disarm bombs
  • Runs over a brick wall on seeing a narrow crack between the floor and the wall, feeling out its trigger lock
  • Feels the clicks of a safe, allowing him to crack it
• Creates a unique electromagnetic field that compels whoever it's pointed at to tell the truth
  • When used on a Badd soldier, their face glazes over and speak in a robotic tone while answering his questions

Weapons

• He starts off the book with only a pistol strapped in a holster on his chest
  • Shoots through a metal cord supporting a chandelier, sending it crashing down on some ninjas
  • Has a stun mode, shooting chemical darts which instantly knock out people they hit
• Uses the wide gun to blow up robotic killer-copters
• Fires the rocket gun rapidly to blow up killer-copters
• The three-way gun shoots forwards, left, and right
  • Used to cave in and collapse a fragile tunnel
  • Destroys a killer-copter
• Disables four tanks with a machine gun
  • Seemingly uses high-power explosive rounds

Skill

Combat

• Along with Super Joe, senses that they're being watched by snipers and gets to the floor before they fire into their apartment
• Trained in martial arts with the federation
• Received training from ninja masters in swordfighting, and manages to take down some Badd ninjas

History

• At the beginning of the book, he's spent 10 years going on missions around the world with Super Joe, who he met in Federation spy school. Together, they've been on missions to Thailand and France
• In a mission in Argentina, he and Super Joe managed to locate and arrest all the leaders of the Nazz terrorist organization, though they weren't able to secure plans for a secret weapon called Albatros
• Saved Joe from some Nazz thugs, and apparently has saved him from many situations before

Other

• Has been trained to fly a helicopter

Helicopter

• Used a helicopter he could have hover and signal to pick him up from his location
• Can alternate between hovering and rapidly flying up at the push of a button of his transmitter, and quickly flies so far up that they'd need surface-to-air missiles to hit him
• Has an autopilot to fly to areas he chooses, as well as a medkit
• Alerts him to nearby hostiles
• Has an ejection seat which can automatically go off

Other

• Uses a flare bomb to reveal killer-copters flying towards him without lights at night
• A helmet he uses deflects a bullet
• The bulletproof vest has sniper bullets bounce off it
• Would never fire a gun against an enemy first

"How could I lose? I have a bionic arm."

hello everyone!
so i didn't have any intention to do any specific self work with this trip, but it did end up being extremely insightful and eye opening in terms of what i discovered and how i feel now coming down from the trip. i just knew i really wanted to be outside and experience nature doing a 1g dose for the first time to set myself up for success.
i took the capsules at around 10AM this morning, ate a piece of avocado toast afterwards, and then went out to my backyard to sip my morning coffee with my dog. i had set a timer on my phone for 30 minutes to see when it would start to kick in, and it started to in roughly 15 minutes. i wanted to do them as early as possible to take advantage of the day.
the first thing i notice is a heaviness in my body, almost like a weed body high where it feels like there's sand in your limbs weighing you down. but at the same time i feel light, and everything i carry feels like it weighs nothing. everything seems enhanced. i explained it to my boyfriend as "like if someone turned up the gamma, video quality, and surround sound settings in a video game". i'm holding my sketchbook at this time - intending to sketch while i'm outside - and i slowly lose the ability to hold my pencil.
i'm sitting on a beach chair outside and i find it much more comfortable to lean back, almost laying down. closing my eyes i can faintly see some visuals but nothing crazy, looks like typical phosphenes. i'm texting my boyfriend about how i'm feeling, and it's becoming really hard to hold my phone and text.
my 30 minute timer goes off, so it is now 10:30AM. i'm feeling a lot more light now instead of heavy, but it almost feels like i have no bones. i start to experience open-eye visuals a little more now. everything seems sharp and vivid, i look down at the grass and focus on every little ant, moth, fly and bee that is around me. closing my eyes i start seeing a grid pattern and some spiraling. i describe the grid to my boyfriend as "like those close up pictures of a fly's eye". as time goes on this starts to intensify a lot. i look at the grass and it starts to swirl, the trees are bending and waving almost like they're reaching down towards me, and this effect is amplified by the fact that it was a very windy day today. a quote that sticks out to me is "the trees are reaching down to hug me".
i have to assume it is now 11AM. i decide to get up and walk around my yard. i have a large hedge separating my back neighbor and i go up to it and focus on the leaves. the veins of the leaf almost seem to be pulsing. i break the leaf and focus on how it feels between my fingers. i have my phone with me and decide to text my bf to call me because i can barely type anymore. i'm here talking to him about what i see, how i feel, and anything that comes to mind. i go up to a large palm tree in my yard and get close up to the trunk. my nose is touching it with how close i am, and i'm focusing on the patterns of the bark. there's lichen growing on it and the patterns are almost fractalizing with how they're swirling in on each other. it almost reminds me of those ai generated images that make everything look like dog faces. it keeps my attention for a bit and i'm just touching the tree and scraping little pieces of the bark to see how it feels.
i decide to go sit back down on the beach chair because my legs feel weak and i'm stumbling around. i close my eyes and i see an image of like two wings overlapping and flapping slowly over each other. i'm looking at the sun with my eyes closed and it looks like an angel, and it's beautiful. i open my eyes and i see the "fly eye" grid overlayed on what i'm seeing. i repeatedly open and close my eyes because the effect looks cool and i'm having a good time with it. i remember my dog is outside with me just running around in the yard and i call her over. she's a poodle with curly hair so her fur really messes with my eyes. i run my hands through her hair and it looks like the hairs are curling around my fingers. i carry her and dig my face into her fur. i'm in awe with how soft she is and tell her how much i love her.
i don't remember the time, but i'll say ~11:20AM. time is passing really slowly and it shocks me sometimes how 5 minutes feels like 30. i still have my bf on the phone and i'm telling him all of this as it happens. i look up and everything starts looking like it has a 3d overlay on it. think the red and blue of like a traditional 3d book that used to come with the glasses. he offers to come pick me up to watch over me and i tell him i want to go to the park with my dog. we hang up and i decide to go inside and get ready, because i'm still in my pajamas. going inside started to change my mood. i have 3 other dogs (technically my family's dogs. my poodle named mochi is my dog) and they start to bark when i come in and it starts to stress me out. i let them all outside to run around and get some exercise in. as i walk to my room the swirls of my wood floors really mess with my eyes and i struggle to walk to my room. everything in my room is swirling and feels like it's slightly pulsing. i have a parrot as well and her eyes look like they're slightly bulging.
brushing my teeth, washing my face, and getting dressed feels like i'm fighting the weight of the world. all i want to do is go lay in the grass outside and feel the sun. i look at my face in the mirror of the bathroom and i have to look down because my face freaks me out because it doesn't look like my face. my room and the house feel dark and cold, and the open window looks like literal heaven. i let the dogs back in and they come back inside. one of them is a yorkie and for some reason her face is terrifying me, she looks like the scariest little crusty white dog. i know it's just my brain playing tricks on me, so i pick her up and hug her and tell her i love her even though her face is freaking me out right now.
i get on my laptop while i wait for my bf and it looks like i can stick my hand in my screen. the screen starts bothering me though so i turn on a bird sounds video for my parrot on the tv and look out the window while i wait. he gets there and we head out with mochi to the park. the drive over there feels incredibly weird. the outside looks like a screen moving past the car's windows. i have driving anxiety and this drive freaks me out a bit, but i hold my dog and it helps me feel better until we get there.
i'm pretty sure we get to the park around 11:40AM and we stay there until we leave at 2:30. we get down and we walk to a small gazebo and sit. i'm hyper-aware of how uncomfortable the metal bench is and get up to sit under a tree looking out on the lake. as mentioned, it's a really windy day and the trees are blowing, there's waves on the lake, and there's lots of ducks, geese, and other birds around. i sit with mochi on the grass and touch the grass, the leaves around me, and look at the water. my bf comes to sit next to me and i lean against him and enjoy how soft he is and how good he smells. all of my senses feel like they've been turned up to 100. he has his airpods on and he says "spotify is playing some bangers right now" and i say "nature is playing some bangers right now".
some people were standing at the little dock that looks over the lake, so i wait for them to leave before i get up and walk over there. ducks come up to the dock because people come and feed them, so they're expecting some food. three of them look up at me, and i turn to my bf and say "i think they have something to tell me". a mother duck with 6 baby ducklings swims up and i'm freaking out about how cute they are. there are turtles in the water that occasionally peak their head out of the water and me and my bf randomly say "turtle" every once in awhile.
i decide i want to walk, so we start walking the path of the park. the concrete and grass are swirling under me and the trees are wavy. i'm holding my bf's hand as we walk and mochi is leading the way. i'm talking nonsense to him about how this little park is a secluded safe space from the chaos that's outside, referencing the large road next to it with cars flying past which make me nervous to look at because they're zipping past so fast. at one point we're walking and my boyfriend stops to get a rock out of his shoe. i keep walking and i don't even realize he stayed behind. i stop when i realize and he's about 10 paces behind me. i freak out because it almost feels like he teleported behind me, and i could have sworn he was still holding my hand.
i hold his hand tighter as we keep walking to the visitor center of the park to get my dog some water. the lake has a large fountain and the wind is blowing water into our faces from a distance, and i say "wind is nature's greatest messenger". i focus on this quote for a bit in my mind, and realize it's true for so many things. we used to use birds as messengers, the wind carries smells, sounds, items. it was the original messenger of information. we get to the visitor center and i realize that my bf had told me it was 12:22 when we got up and started walking, and it was 12:32 when we got to the visitor center. i'm in shock because it literally felt like we were walking for at least 30 minutes.
we get my dog some water and continue to walk. i lead my boyfriend to a large tree i've come to before and told him i want to rest here. i lay down in the grass and just.... breathe. the grass is so cool and lush, the wind is blowing water droplets from the fountain all the way over to where we are, and the leaves on the tree are rustling in the wind. i feel at peace. i say "it feels like nature is holding me and telling me it's going to take care of me". i look to the side and i see all of the blades of grass waving in the wind. mochi lays down on top of me and licks my cheeks and nose and i feel so loved by everything around me.
i begin to talk to my bf about how i'm feeling, and i tell him how i really haven't had the urge or want to use my phone or even check the time, and that all screens bother my eyes when i'm on shrooms. i think about this and then say i have a theory. i explain that shrooms take your mind and body back to a more primal physical existence, where you're more in tune with nature. phones and technology have only existed for less than a blink of an eye in the entire history that is mankind on earth. since we did not evolve with electronic technology, we don't have an obligation to them, and in this primal state of being on shrooms, we forget about them because they're not really necessary. that need to scroll, to open apps... it's gone. because what is it, really? i can't touch it, i can't feel it in my hands. so what is it for? the entire time i've been tripping i feel such a connection with nature and i feel it deep in my soul. this brings me closer to my spirituality and what i've been debating for the past couple of months and reassures me that i'm on the right track and that this is what i need to be doing.
as i'm laying there, i realize how loose my body feels. i become aware that i carry so much tension in my body when i'm sober. what for? i really need to loosen up. i attribute this to my anxiety and masking that when interacting with the outside world. i also realize that i control my movements and appearance way too closely. my hair whipping in the wind, stumbling around and taking up space feels good! why should i confine myself to a little bubble of space and carefully choose my every move? who cares if my hair is in my face!
i sit up and tell my bf to give me his sketchbook so i can write these things down so i don't forget. i write in essentially chicken scratch, but i can read it perfectly. it's coherent enough that he can read it, but just barely. i realize that this is another thing i doctor carefully, my handwriting. it feels good to write in large, loose cursive. who cares if it takes up just a bit more space on the paper!
i also felt humbled, as this dose was 1g and almost my upper limit of what i could handle. i was originally doing .5g and thought it was quite mild and that 1g would still be a low - but manageable - dose for me. granted these capsules may have been stronger than what i was doing before (dried shroom) so that may account for the jump in intensity, but it definitely humbled me and reminded me to keep taking it slow, especially with my low tolerance to practically everything.
i sit up and there's a large ant walking on my shoe. i put my finger out and it crawls onto it, walking around on my hand. i bring it up to my face and stare at it as it walks. i let it walk around some more before putting it back in the grass. as i'm setting it down, i see 2 police cars drive around the park. this almost sends me into a panic. i tell my bf that i'm scared someone saw me and called the cops on me and that they're gonna come take me and kill me. i hold my dog close and scoot closer to my bf. he tries to calm me down and says that they're probably just making a loop around the park before leaving. i try and calm myself down by reassuring myself that i'm not doing anything wrong. i'm not being foolish or making a scene, i'm literally just laying in the grass. so there's no reason for anyone to call the cops on me.
we sit there for a little bit, me just touching the grass, petting my dog, looking up at the trees. i tell my bf that nature is so beautiful right now, and he says "yeah! it made it a beautiful day today to show you how much it loves you" and that almost made me cry.
we eventually get up and walk to another area of the park and sit in the grass again. at this point i'm starting to feel it come down. the visuals aren't as intense, everything just feels like it has energy under it and it's slightly pulsing. i'm a bit more lucid, maybe just a bit loopy. my bf lays his head in my lap and my dog lays down next to me and i feel so much appreciation for those who love me.
i have a slight fear that this peace is not going to last, because reality is going to snap back after the weekend is over. i'll have to go back to work and worry about money and bills and school. it worries me and scares me. but i reassure myself that everything in life has a solution, and that i need to have more faith in myself and my ability to keep myself safe.
we leave the park at ~2:30 because my bf is hungry and wants to go get lunch somewhere. all i had eaten all day was that avocado toast and i did not feel hungry at all. if anything, i had felt a bit nauseous all day. we leave mochi at home and then head to a tgi fridays (which ended up sucking really bad and giving me an upset stomach anyway). i was super talkative and felt uplifted and confident, maybe just a bit tired. it is now 9:30PM and i'm feeling around 90% sober, just a bit lightheaded and nauseous from the sucky food.
overall, this trip was very insightful and fun! it really reaffirmed my journey of self discovery and spirituality, and that this is exactly what i need to be doing. i'm glad to have had my boyfriend and dog with me taking care of me throughout, especially through the scary moments.

hello everyone!
so i didn't have any intention to do any specific self work with this trip, but it did end up being extremely insightful and eye opening in terms of what i discovered and how i feel now coming down from the trip. i just knew i really wanted to be outside and experience nature doing a 1g dose for the first time to set myself up for success.
i took the capsules at around 10AM this morning, ate a piece of avocado toast afterwards, and then went out to my backyard to sip my morning coffee with my dog. i had set a timer on my phone for 30 minutes to see when it would start to kick in, and it started to in roughly 15 minutes. i wanted to do them as early as possible
the first thing i notice is a heaviness in my body, almost like a weed body high where it feels like there's sand in your limbs weighing you down. but at the same time i feel light, and everything i carry feels like it weighs nothing. everything seems enhanced. i explained it to my boyfriend as "like if someone turned up the gamma, video quality, and surround sound settings in a video game". i'm holding my sketchbook at this time - intending to sketch while i'm outside - and i slowly lose the ability to hold my pencil.
i'm sitting on a beach chair outside and i find it much more comfortable to lean back, almost laying down. closing my eyes i can faintly see some visuals but nothing crazy, looks like typical phosphenes. i'm texting my boyfriend about how i'm feeling, and it's becoming really hard to hold my phone and text.
my 30 minute timer goes off, so it is now 10:30AM. i'm feeling a lot more light now instead of heavy, but it almost feels like i have no bones. i start to experience open-eye visuals a little more now. everything seems sharp and vivid, i look down at the grass and focus on every little ant, moth, fly and bee that is around me. closing my eye i start seeing a grid pattern and some spiraling. i describe the grid to my boyfriend as "like those close up pictures of a fly's eye". as time goes on this starts to intensify a lot. i look at the grass and it starts to swirl, the trees are bending and waving almost like they're reaching down towards me, and this effect is amplified by the fact that it was a very windy day today. a quote that sticks out to me is "the trees are reaching down to hug me".
i have to assume it is now 11AM. i decide to get up and walk around my yard. i have a large hedge separating my back neighbor and i go up to it and focus on the leaves. the veins of the leaf almost seem to be pulsing. i break the leaf and focus on how it feels between my fingers. i have my phone with me and decide to text my bf to call me because i can barely type anymore. i'm here talking to him about what i see, how i feel, and anything that comes to mind. i go up to a large palm tree in my yard and get close up to the trunk. my nose is touching it with how close i am, and i'm focusing on the patterns of the bark. there's lichen growing on it and the patterns are almost fractalizing with how they're swirling in on each other. it almost reminds me of those ai generated images that make everything look like dog faces. it keeps my attention for a bit and i'm just touching the tree and scraping little pieces of the bark to see how it feels.
i decide to go sit back down on the beach chair because my legs feel weak and i'm stumbling around. i close my eyes and i see an image of like two wings overlapping and flapping slowly over each other. i'm looking at the sun with my eyes closed and it looks like an angel, and it's beautiful. i open my eyes and i see the "fly eye" grid overlayed on what i'm seeing. i repeatedly open and close my eyes because the effect looks cool and i'm having a good time with it. i remember my dog is outside with me just running around in the yard and i call her over. she's a poodle with curly hair so her fur really messes with my eyes. i run my hands through her hair and it looks like the hairs are curling around my fingers. i carry her and dig my face into her fur. i'm in awe with how soft she is and tell her how much i love her.
i don't remember the time, but i'll say ~11:20AM. time is passing really slowly and it shocks me sometimes how 5 minutes feels like 30. i still have my bf on the phone and i'm telling him all of this as it happens. i look up and everything starts looking like it has a 3d overlay on it. think the red and blue of like a traditional 3d book that used to come with the glasses. he offers to come pick me up to watch over me and i tell him i want to go to the park with my dog. we hang up and i decide to go inside and get ready, because i'm still in my pajamas. going inside started to change my mood. i have 3 other dogs (technically my family's dogs. my poodle named mochi is my dog) and they start to bark when i come in and it starts to stress me out. i let them all outside to run around and get some exercise in. as i walk to my room the swirls of my wood floors really mess with my eyes and i struggle to walk to my room. everything in my room is swirling and feels like it's slightly pulsing. i have a parrot as well and her eyes look like they're slightly bulging.
brushing my teeth, washing my face, and getting dressed feels like i'm fighting the weight of the world. all i want to do is go lay in the grass outside and feel the sun. i look at my face in the mirror of the bathroom and i have to look down because my face freaks me out because it doesn't look like my face. my room and the house feel dark and cold, and the open window looks like literal heaven. i let the dogs back in and they come back inside. one of them is a yorkie and for some reason her face is terrifying me, she looks like the scariest little crusty white dog. i know it's just my brain playing tricks on me, so i pick her up and hug her and tell her i love her even though her face is freaking me out right now.
i get on my laptop while i wait for my bf and it looks like i can stick my hand in my screen. the screen starts bothering me though so i turn on a bird sounds video for my parrot on the tv and look out the window while i wait. he gets there and we head out with mochi to the park. the drive over there feels incredibly weird. the outside looks like a screen moving past the car's windows. i have driving anxiety and this drive freaks me out a bit, but i hold my dog and it helps me feel better until we get there.
i'm pretty sure we get to the park around 11:40AM and we stay there until we leave at 2:30. we get down and we walk to a small gazebo and sit. i'm hyper aware of how uncomfortable the metal bench is and get up to sit under a tree looking out on the lake. as mentioned, it's a really windy day and the trees are blowing, there's waves on the lake, and there's lots of ducks, geese, and other birds around. i sit with mochi on the grass and touch the grass, the leaves around me, and look at the water. my bf comes to sit next to me and i lean against him and enjoy how soft he is and how good he smells. all of my senses feel like they've been turned up to 100. he has his airpods on and he says "spotify playing some bangers right now" and i say "nature is playing some bangers right now".
some people were standing at the little dock that looks over the lake, so i wait for them to leave before i get up and walk over there. ducks come up to the dock because people come and feed them, so they're expecting some food. three of them look up at me, and i turn to my bf and say "i think they have something to tell me". a mother duck with 6 baby ducklings swims up and i'm freaking out about how cute they are. there are turtles in the water that occasionally peak their head out of the water and me and my bf randomly say "turtle" every once in awhile.
i decide i want to walk, so we start walking the path of the park. the concrete and grass are swirling under me and the trees are wavy. i'm holding my bf's hand as we walk and mochi is leading the way. i'm talking nonsense to him about how this little park is a secluded safe space from the chaos that's outside, referencing the large road next to it with cars flying past which make me nervous to look at because they're zipping past so fast. at one point we're walking and my boyfriend stops to get a rock out of his shoe. i keep walking and i don't even realize he stayed behind. i stop when i realize and he's about 10 paces behind me. i freak out because it almost feels like he teleported behind me, and i could have sworn he was still holding my hand.
i hold his hand tighter as we keep walking to the visitor center of the park to get my dog some water. the lake has a large fountain and the wind is blowing it into our faces from a distance, and i say "wind is nature's greatest messenger". i focus on this quote for a bit in my mind, and realize it's true for so many things. we used to use birds as messengers, the wind carries smells, sounds, items. it was the original messenger of information. we get to the visitor center and i realize that my bf had told me it was 12:22 when we got up and started walking, and it was 12:32 when we got to the visitor center. i'm in shock because it literally felt like we were walking for at least 30 minutes.
we get my dog some water and continue to walk. i lead my boyfriend to a large tree i've come to before and told him i want to rest here. i lay down in the grass and just.... breathe. the grass is so cool and lush, the wind is blowing water droplets from the fountain all the way over to where we are, and the leaves on the tree are rustling in the wind. i feel at peace. i say "it feels like nature is holding me and telling me it's going to take care of me". i look to the side and i see all of the blades of grass waving in the wind. mochi lays down on top of me and licks my cheeks and nose and i feel so loved by everything around me.
i begin to talk to my bf about how i'm feeling, and i tell him how i really haven't had the urge or want to use my phone or even check the time, and that all screens bother my eyes when i'm on shrooms. i think about this and then say i have a theory. i explain that shrooms take your mind and body back to a more primal physical existence, where you're more in tune with nature. phones and technology have only existed for less than a blink of an eye in the entire history that is mankind on earth. since we did not evolve with electronic technology, we don't have an obligation to them, and in this primal state of being on shrooms, we forget about them because they're not really necessary. that need to scroll, to open apps... it's gone. because what is it, really? i can't touch it, i can't feel it in my hands. so what is it for? the entire time i've been tripping i feel such a connection with nature and i feel it deep in my soul. this brings me closer to my spirituality and what i've been debating for the past couple of months and reassures me that i'm on the right track and that this is what i need to be doing.
as i'm laying there, i realize how loose my body feels. i become aware that i carry so much tension in my body when i'm sober. what for? i really need to loosen up. i attribute this to my anxiety and masking that when interacting with the outside world. i also realize that i control my movements and appearance way too closely. my hair whipping in the wind, stumbling around and taking up space feels good! why should i confine myself to a little bubble of space and carefully choose my every move? who cares if my hair is in my face!
i sit up and tell my bf to give me his sketchbook so i can write these things down so i don't forget. i write in essentially chicken scratch, but i can read it perfectly. it's coherent enough that he can read it, but just barely. i realize that this is another thing i doctor carefully, my handwriting. it feels good to write in large, loose cursive. who cares if it takes up just a bit more space on the paper!
i also felt humbled, as this dose was 1g and almost my upper limit of what i could handle. i was originally doing .5g and thought it was quite mild and that 1g would still be a low - but manageable - dose for me. granted these capsules may have been stronger than what i was doing before (dried shroom) so that may account for the jump in intensity, but it definitely humbled me and reminded me to keep taking it slow, especially with my low tolerance to practically everything.
i sit up and there's a large ant walking on my shoe. i put my finger out and it crawls onto it, walking around on my hand. i bring it up to my face and stare at it as it walks. i let it walk around some more before putting it back in the grass. as i'm setting it down, i see 2 police cars drive around the park. this almost sends me into a panic. i tell my bf that i'm scared someone saw me and called the cops on me and that they're gonna come take me and kill me. i hold my dog close and scoot closer to my bf. he tries to calm me down and says that they're probably just making a loop around the park before leaving. i try and calm myself down by reassuring myself that i'm not doing anything wrong. i'm not being foolish or making a scene, i'm literally just laying in the grass. so there's no reason for anyone to call the cops on me.
we sit there for a little bit, me just touching the grass, petting my dog, looking up at the trees. i tell my bf that nature is so beautiful right now, and he says "yeah! it made it a beautiful day today to show you how much it loves you" and that almost made me cry.
we eventually get up and walk to another area of the park and sit in the grass again. at this point i'm starting to feel it come down. the visuals aren't as intense, everything just feels like it has energy under it and it's slightly pulsing. i'm a bit more lucid, maybe just a bit loopy. my bf lays his head in my lap and my dog lays down next to me and i feel so much appreciation for those who love me.
i have a slight fear that this peace is not going to last, because reality is going to snap back after the weekend is over. i'll have to go back to work and worry about money and bills and school. it worries me and scares me. but i reassure myself that everything in life has a solution, and that i need to have more faith in myself and my ability to keep myself safe.
we leave the park at ~2:30 because my bf is hungry and wants to go get lunch somewhere. all i had eaten all day was that avocado toast and i did not feel hungry at all. if anything, i had felt a bit nauseous all day. we leave mochi at home and then head to a tgi fridays (which ended up sucking really bad and giving me an upset stomach anyway). i was super talkative and felt uplifted and confident, maybe just a bit tired. it is now 9:30PM and i'm feeling around 90% sober, just a bit lightheaded and nauseous from the sucky food.
overall, this trip was very insightful and fun! it really reaffirmed my journey of self discovery and spirituality, and that this is exactly what i need to be doing. i'm glad to have had my boyfriend and dog with me taking care of me throughout, especially through the scary moments.

Royalty/Nobles
UK
​

1. Prince Andrew, will have his own segment (These listed below are close to him and Epstein)

​

• Simon Case: Private Secretary to Prince William as of 2018. Previously was in charge of figuring out the border issue in Northern Ireland and Ireland post-Brexit. British civil servant for over a decade, including as a policy adviser for the Ministry of Defence.
  
• Merivale-Austen, Bruce: Managing Partner of DM Partners Asia, a private wealth management firm. Plays polo every summer with Prince William and Prince Harry (https://www.thailandtatler.com/people/brouce-merivale-austin
  
• Gibbs, Emma: Former girlfriend of Prince Andrew. Gibbs was introduced to Prince Andrew by her good friend, Ghislaine Maxwell. Gibbs worked as a PR consultant.
  
• Harvey Victoria: Ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew, Hervey is an English model and socialite. Although her relationship with Andrew didn’t work out, she remained in his inner circle. In 2000, she attended a dinner with Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Jeffrey Epstein (source: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9844083/lady-victoria-hervey-jeffrey-epstein-too-old/). Hervey is also a friend of Ghislaine Maxwell, who introduced her to Epstein and “set her up in one of Epstein’s apartments in New York.” Hervey is the daughter of Victor Hervey, 6th Marquess of Bristol, businessman and member of the House of Lords.
  
• Jameel, Mohammed: Saudi Arabian businessman. CEO of Abdul Latif Jameel, a collective of family-owned businesses that specialize in transportation, investing, and real estate. Royal pervert Prince Andrew infamously partied on Jameel’s yacht during the 2011 London riots (source: https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/prince-andrew-frolicks-on-yacht-with-mystery-147496
  
• Manconi, John: Businessman who hosts super exclusive charity polo events attended by Prince Charles, Harry, and Andrew (https://variety.com/2002/scene/vpage/royals-have-splendid-time-1117868882/).
  

​

1. Caprice: Likely refers to Caprice Bourret, a former model and former love interest of Prince Andrew around 2000-2001.
   
2. Sir Rufus Albermarle
   
3. Earl Charles Spencer Aldrup
   
4. Carella Alun-Jones
   
5. Jeremy and Deborah Alun-Jones
   
6. Simon Astaire Hollywood and British Royal Family agent. Specializes in representation, celebrity endorsement, and public relations.
   
7. Sir Anthony Bamford and Lady C Anthony is a billionaire British businessman. Chairman of JCB, which provides equipment for construction, agriculture, etc. Has donated more than £4m personally and through JCB companies to the Conservative Party. Has close ties to David Cameron, Tony Blair, and Prince Charles. Bamford was mentioned in the Panama Papers as having offshore accounts. Lady Carole Bamford is his wife and a successful businesswoman.
   
8. James & Lucinda Bruce: James is a businessman who comes from nobility. His father was a baron. His 2nd wife, Lucinda, is a producer.
   
9. Lord and Lady Beaumon Likely refers to the late Tim Beaumont of Whitley and his wife, Baroness Mary Rose. Tim was a UK politician in the Liberal Party and, later on, the Green Party. Six generations of his paternal side sat in the House of Commons (source: Irish Times) He was also an Anglican priest. Mary Rose is the cousin of Antony Armstrong-Jones, 1st Earl of Snowdon and (now deceased) husband of Princess Margaret.
   
10. Baron Bentinck Dutch and British nobility.
    
11. Robert Byng Descendant of admirals, viscounts, and earls. Current property owner of Wrotham Park, an English country house that hosts social events for the wealthy and has been used as a filming location for many movies.
    
12. Sir Nickey Caledon The 7th Earl of Caledon. Received his knighthood in 2015 when he was appointed Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order (KCVO).
    
13. Mario Cabo-Platero is an Italian journalist and served as editor of the Italian newspaper Il Sole 24 Ore for 30 years. Ariadne is the daughter of Lord and Lady Beaumont
    
14. George & Pauline Case: Pauline Case (maiden name Pauline Astor) is a Viscountess and daughter of William Astor, 3rd Viscount Astor
    
15. Marina Cowdray: Wife of Michael Pearson, 4th Viscount of Cowdray. Daughter of John Cordle. Sister of Rachel and Rupert Cordle.
    
16. Sophie Crabbe British socialite
    
17. d’Arenberg, Prince Pierre: Family lineage can be traced back 1000 years. European royalty. Extremely wealthy not because of his ties to nobility, but because his mother, Margaret Bedford, was an heiress to Standard Oil (Exxon).
    
18. d’Uzes, Jacques De crussol: The 17th Duke of Uze
    
19. Dartmouth, William: The 10th Earl of Dartmouth. Member of the European Parliament from 2009-2019. Became a stepbrother of Princess Diana when his mother embarked on a 2nd marriage with Diana’s father, John Spencer.
    
20. Derby Earl / Cntess Cass & Ted: Edward Stanley (known informally as Teddy) is the 19th Earl of Derby. Caroline Stanley is Ted’s wife. She was a socialite during the ‘90s and is the daughter of Robin Neville, the 10th Baron Braybrooke
    
21. Dolbey, Alex & Suzie: Suzie Dolbey (nee Murray-Philipson) is the daughter of the recently deceased Robin Murray-Philipson, who was the descendant of the Viscounts Elibank. Alex Dolbey has been the director of several management and investment companies.
    
22. Duchess of York: Former wife of Prince Andrew. Mother of Princess Beatrice and Eugenie.
    
23. Elliot, Ben: Current Co-Chairman of the Conservative Party in the UK and nephew of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (Prince Charles’s current wife). Elliot is also co-founder of Quintessentially Group, a hospitality group that specializes in leisure, travel, and tourism. Epstein has several ties to this group. Elliot’s spokesman has said that Elliot never met Epstein. However, Elliot has been a dinner guest of Ghislaine Maxwell in New York.
    
24. Fairfax, The Hon Rupert: Hon. Rupert Alexander James Fairfax is the son of Thomas Brian McElvie Fairfax, 13th Lord of Fairfax of Cameron. Rupert is currently Managing Director of Fairfax Saddles, which was awarded the Queen’s Award for Innovation in 2018. This is the highest business award in the UK.
    
25. Fiennes, Martin: The heir apparent to the Baron Saye and Sele, a title of peerage in England. Lives in Broughton Castle. Cousin of actor Ralph Fiennes.
    
26. Fiennes, Suzzana: A British artist who works exclusively with Prince Charles. Susannah is the twin sister of Martin Fiennes and cousin of actor Ralph.
    
27. Freud, Mathew: Matthew Freud is the head of Freud Communications, an international public relations firm. Matthew is also the great-grandson of Sigmund Freud. Freud’s first wife, Caroline Hutton, went on to marry the 9th Earl of Spencer (Princess Diana’s brother). Elisabeth Murdoch, his 2nd wife (now divorced), is the daughter of Rupert Murdoch.
    
28. Robert Olney
    
29. Mr and Mrs Ellingworth
    
30. Lady Amanda
    
31. Patrick and Marla Fairweather
    
32. Gary Ramsey
    
33. Ashley & Allegra Hicks: Ashley is the Godson of Prince Philip, second cousin of Prince Charles, and an interior designer.
    
34. Viscount William Astor: Member of the House of Lords, which creates and shapes laws. There are approximately 800 current members. Chairman of television production company Silvergate Media. Member of the Astor family, which specialized in the fur trade, real estate, and drug smuggling in the early 19th century.
    
35. Tamara Beckwith: English socialite
    
36. Annabelle Bond OBE[1] (born 1969) is a British socialite,[2][3] international adventurer and activist,[4] who came to prominence after climbing the summit of Mount Everest on 15 May 2004, making her the fourth British woman to do so.
    
37. Glentworth, Edmund & Emily: Edmund Pery is the 7th Earl of Limerick and was formerly known as Viscount Glentworth. He worked in British government until becoming director of Deutsche Bank. Emily is Edmund’s wife.
    
38. Granby, David: David Charles Robert Manners is the 11th Duke of Rutland. He also goes by the Marquess of Granby. Granby is a high-profile supporter of the UK Independence Party and has hosted fundraising events at his ancestral home, Belvoir Castle. Employed Harvey Proctor, the former Conservative Parliament member who had to resign because he had sexual relations with underage male prostitutes, as his personal secretary.
    
39. Grenfell, Natasha: Daughter of Lord St Just, heir to a banking fortune and Wilbury Park mansion. Her mother was actress and one-time Tennessee Williams love interest, Maria Britneva. Natasha is a socialite who has is friends with royalty, actors, and musicians
    
40. Hambro, Clementine: Great-granddaughter of Winston Churchill who also served as a bridesmaid at the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana when she was just five-years-old. Her father, Richard, was a British heir and investment banker. K
    
41. Hanover, Ernst & chantal: Prince Ernst Hanover is the head of the royal House of Hanover. The House of Hanover has produced six British monarchs, including King George III and Queen Victoria. The current British monarchy, the Windsors, are actually of German and British descent, which is why these family trees intersect. Most notably, the House of Hanover is perhaps the most important of the Black Nobility families. There have been some fantastic threads on Reddit about the Black Nobility.
    
42. Hanson, Brook: Adopted son of British industrialist, Lord Hanson, Brook died in 2014 at the age of 50.
    
43. Hanson, Lord & Lady: British industrialist who made a fortune in the ‘80s as a Trade and Industry
    
44. Secretary in close friend Margaret Thatcher’s administration. His wife, Geraldine, was a former model. They are both dead.
    
45. Hanson, The Hon Robert: British financier and eldest son of Lord Hanson. Chairman of Hanson Family Holdings, a private investment firm. In the 1980s, Robert worked as a banker at NM Rothschild & Sons before returning to his father’s company. Before getting married, Hanson dated socialite Anouska de Georgiou, who became the first British woman to accuse Jeffrey Epstein of raping her as a teenager (source: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/how-british-teen-model-was-lured-jeffrey-epstein-s-web-n1056901. Odd that Robert Hanson, his brother Brook, and his parents would have wanted anything to do with Epstein.
    
46. Heseltine, Rupert: Businessman and heir to Haymarket Media Group. Son of Baron Michael Heseltine.
    
47. Hicks, India: A fashion model in the ‘80s and ‘90s, India Hicks is a good friend of Ghislaine Maxwell. Descendant of the Mountbatten family, a British dynasty (although much of their background is German). Granddaughter of the much-decorated war hero, Lord Mountbatten (Prince Charles’s mentor), who, according to FBI files, was “a homosexual with a perversion for young boys” (source: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9745399/lord-mountbatten-fbi-dossier-prince-charles/). Prince Charles is her second cousin and Godfather.
    
48. Hill, Anthony: Son of Robin Hall, 8th Marquess of Downshire and Juliet Weld-Forester, daughter of 7th Baron Forester.
    
49. Hoffman, Hetty: Married to Robin Dundas, Earl of Ronaldshay. Lady Ronaldshay is a patron and ambassador for Zoe’s Place Baby Hospice, a UK-based charity that provides care for terminally ill babies and children up to five years old. A good friend of Ben Holland-Martin
    
50. Linley, David: Princess Margaret’s son, Queen Elizabeth II’s nephew, and first cousin of Prince Charles and Prince Andrew. Linley is a furniture maker and the 2nd Earl of Snowdon. He used to be the Chairman of Christie’s auction house in the UK.
    
51. Manners, Eddie: Lord Manners is the son of the 10th Earl of Rutland and an investment banker. He lives at Haddon Hall, a beautiful old mansion.
    
52. Manners, Miss Lucy: An interior designer who is the cousin of Eddie (mentioned above) and the Duke of Rutland. Lucy is a very close friend of Sarah, Duchess of York (Prince Andrew’s first wife), a close friend of Epstein’s, and even served as her lady-in-waiting. Manners lives at Eastnor Castle, which houses 96 rooms.
    
53. Manners, Terssa: Teresa is the daughter of the 10th Duke of Rutland and sister of Eddie and the 11th Duke of Rutland. She was the cover girl for Tatler and posed for Vogue, two magazines that feature many Epstein contacts.
    
54. Menzies, Kate: Close friend of Princess Diana and the Royal Family. The Menzies are millionaires because of their newsagents and distribution group.
    
55. Milford Haven George & Clare: George Mountbatten, 4th Marquess of Milford Haven. Second cousin of Prince Charles. Founded uSwitch, a website that allows you to compare suppliers of various services. Sold the company for $400 million. George’s grandfather was the older brother of Lord Mountbatten, alleged pedophile and father figure/mentor to Prince Charles. George’s wife, Clare, was the Social Editor of Tatler magazine (there it is again!) from 1995-2005.
    
56. Monckton, Rosa: Former President of Tiffany & Co. jewelry company. Daughter of a Viscount. Princess Diana was Monckton’s best friend and the Godmother of one of her children. Rosa also serves as a fundraiser for and on the board of several charities, most of which focus on children. Monckton is a patron for Downside Up, a charity for children with Down Syndrome, with actor Ralph Fiennes, who is also in Epstein’s contacts (http://downsideupcharity.org/node/64). She also raises money for KIDS charity out of London where Liz Hurley (also in Epstein’s contacts) is a patron, along with Elton John, David Cameron, David Furnish, Cherie Booth, and Channel 4 News presenter Cathy Newman (https://www.kids.org.uk/Pages/FAQs/Category/patrons). Epstein once offered Monckton to bring her daughter, who has Down Syndrome, to his house in Palm Beach (https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2003/03/jeffrey-epstein-200303?currentPage=1
    
57. Murray Threipland, Tercious/Claire: Owner of Dunbeath Castle. Claire left her first husband, Henry Herbert, The 17th Earl of Pembroke, to be with Tertius in 1981. Claire’s daughter, Emma, was a bridesmaid at the first marriage of Camila Parker Bowles (now Prince Charles’s wife).
    
58. Negrete, Jelitza: A Countess and descendant of European nobility
    
59. Newman, Hetty: Second wife of the 7th Earl of Caledon.
    
60. Noel, Hon Thomas: Son of Anthony Noel, 5th Earl of Gainsborough
    
61. O’Donnell, Mr Carletto: Financier. Friend of Princess Michael of Kent (King George V’s grandson)
    
62. Oxenberg Christina marc Yaggi: Christina is a writer and fashion designer. Her mother is Princess Elizabeth of Yugoslavia. Her grandparents were Prince Paul of Yugoslavia and Princess Olga of Greece and Denmark. Due to all of the inbreeding between European royals, Christine is a cousin of the Royal Family. Oxenberg used to attend dinner parties at Epstein’s and was also friends with Ghislaine (https://www.townandcountrymag.com/society/tradition/a30222833/christina-oxenberg-instagram-patreon-memoi). Oxenberg intends to talk to the FBI about Epstein and Maxwell (https://www.tatler.com/article/christina-oxenberg-speaks-to-fbi-about-ghislaine-maxwell-and-jeffrey-epstein). Marc Yaggi is Executive Director of Waterkeeper Alliance, where Oxenberg was once a writer.
    
63. Palumbo, Mr James: Baron Palumbo of Southwark is an entrepreneur and a member of the House of Lords. Co-founder of Ministry of Sound nightclub
    
64. Palumbo, Peter: Father of James (above). Baron Palumbo is a property developer who sat on the House of Lords from 1991-2019. Former polo teammate and close friend of Prince Charles until they had a falling out. Confidant of Princess Diana. Godfather of Princess Beatrice of York, the elder daughter of Prince Andrew. Peter denies ever having met Epstein.
    
65. Pearson Hon Charles: Son of the Third Viscount Cowdray and owner of the 53,000 acre Dunecht estate
    
66. Pease, Simon & Clem: Simon was a successful custodian of the family’s Underley Estate. He was also a High Sheriff of Cumbria. Passed away in 2007. Clementine was his wife.
    
67. Puttnam, David: British film producer, educator, and member of the House of Lords. Puttnam was friends with Princess Diana before her passing.
    

Spanish Royalty
​

1. Jose Aznar (Prime Minister)
   
2. Fernando de Cordova Hohenlohe: Spanish nobility. Current Marquis of Alboloduy.
   
3. Joaquin Fernandez de Arion: Spanish royalty. The 10th Duke of Arion. His mother is Princess Beatriz zu Hohenlohe-Langenburg. Married to Diana Langes-Swarovski, the great-great granddaughter of Daniel Swarovski, founder of the crystal manufacturer.
   

Swedish Royalty
​

1. Henry & Tatjana D’abo d’abo, d’Abo is the grandson of the 9th Duke of Rutland Tatjana is his wife. Henry is the chairman of Wilton Payments Ltd, a private company that helps with financial intermediation. He and Christopher O’Neill are the primary shareholders of the company. O’Neill is Tatjana’s half-brother, a British-American financier, and husband to Princess Madeleine, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland , a daughter of King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden
   
2. d’abo, Mrs. Jennifer: British entrepreneur who passed away in 2003. d’Abo was once married to Peter Cadbury from the family of the famous chocolate company. Peter did not work for the company, but he and Jennifer d’Abo had a son together. Their son, Joel Cadbury, became owner of the Groucho Club, a watering hole often frequented by famous people. Three years after Cadbury sold the club, their website became the center of a child pornography scandal (link to story: https://www.sott.net/article/242698-Groucho-Clubs-website-forum-hit-by-child-pornography-scandal
   

French Royalty
​

1. Pierre D’ArenBerg
   
2. de Clermont-Tonnerre, Hermine: A French princess who used to have a penchant for partying. The only daughter of Charles Henri, 11th Duke of Clermont-Tonnerre, Hermine was one of 500 guests invited to Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother’s 100th birthday back in 2000.
   
3. Louis Albert de Broglie French prince and entrepreneur The Prince Gardener
   
4. Hauteville, Marc de: Manages Soc Civile du Frayssinet, a real estate company based out of France. There is very little information other than this. Both of his parents appear to be members of noble families - the Hautevilles and the Cazenoves - who have historical ties to the Du Ponts.
   
5. Karella, Kalliope: Wife of Prince Pierre d’Arenberg. Kalliope is a good friend of Ghislaine Maxwell.
   

Saudi Royalty
​

1. Amr Al-Dabbagh

Jordan Royalty
​

1. Firyal Princess: Jerusalem-born Jordanian princess who was once married to Prince Muhammad bin Talal. Firyal was named an UNESCO Goodwill Ambassador in 1992. Princess Firyal launched the International Hope Foundation in 1994 for the benefit of homeless and street children. Firyal holds positions with several museums (The Louvre, The Tate, MOMA, and Guggenheim), as well as positions with Columbia University, New York Public Library, United Nation Association, and International Rescue Committee.

German Royals
​

1. Debbie & Bola Von Bismarck: Leopold (“Bolle”) von Bismarck is the great-grandson of Otto von Bismarck, the first chancellor of Germany. Debbie is a former model and Leopold’s wife. Model Kate Moss is currently engaged to their son, Nikolai.
   
2. Vanessa von Bismarck Cofounder of BPCM, a public relations firm that specialized in fashion, beauty, and wine & spirits. Great-great-granddaughter of Otto von Bismarck.
   
3. Furstenberg, Heinrich & Milana Heinrich is a prince and the Head of the House of Furstenberg as of 2011. He married Milana (Maximiliane of Windlisch-Gaetz), his second cousin, in 1976. He owns and manages the family’s landholdings and beer brewing businesses. His wife (and second cousin) also belongs to a family of high nobility.
   
4. Furstenberg, Alex, Alexandra V.: Alexander is an American businessman and the son of the famous fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg. He remains a partner in his mother’s company. Alexandra is a furniture designer and Alex’s ex-wife. They divorced in 2002 but have 2 children together.
   

Italian Royalty/Nobility
​

1. Peretti Brachetti: Ferdinando Brachetti Peretti. Nobility. Son of Count Aldo Maria Brachetti-Peretti. Co-owner of Italian oil company, API.
   
2. Hugo Brachetti: Also co-owner of Italian oil company, API. Ferdinando’s brother.
   
3. Tiberto Brandolini d'Adda Mr. Brandolini d’Adda currently serves as an independent member of the Board of Directors of YAFA S.p.A. In addition, from 2015 to December 2019, he has been an independent Boardmember of LumX Asset Management (Suisse) S.A. (formerly Gottex Fund Management Holdings Limited).
   
4. Muriel Brandolini is a famous interior designer who has worked with Matt Lauer, the Crown Prince and Princess of Greece, and others. Nuno is a banker and (shockingly) comes from money and nobility
   
5. Gianluca Cicogna: CEO, CFO, and President of Beauty Brands Inc. Brother of Gianfranco Cicogna.
   
6. Gioconda Cicogna: Mother of Gianluca and Gianfranco. Interior designer.
   
7. Gianfranco Cicogna: Gianfranco Cicogna Mozzoni was a business leader, a Count by birth, the Ambassador for the Order of Malta at its embassy in Kenya. His grandfather, Giuseppe Volpi, was known as “Italy’s Rockefeller.” Gianfranco died flying a plane at an air show in 2012.
   
8. Marina Cicogna: Countess. Granddaughter of Kingdom of Italy Finance Minister Giuseppe Volpi, one of the richest and most influential men in Italy in the early 1900s.
   
9. Durso Luigi: Luigi d’Urso was a noble and Italian railroad executive who died in 2006. His grandfather was the 9th Duke di Cassano. His mother was the great-granddaughter of George Clymer, one of the founding fathers of the U.S. and signee of both the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution. d’Urso was also married to French designer and model Ines de la Fressange.
   
10. Gaetani, Gelasio: Count Gelasio Gaetani comes from one of the oldest families in Rome. The Gaetani (also known as Caetani) family has produced 3 popes, including Pope Boniface VIII. Gelasio is a wine specialist and vineyard owner who helps celebrities buy the most unique bottles of wine throughout the world.
    
11. Gaetani, Rufreido: Roffredo Gaetani was an Italian count, prince, and duke who died in a car crash in 2005. Roffredo came to the public’s attention when he dated Ivana Trump in the 1990s. Brother of Gelasio.
    
12. Pignatelli, Frederico: An Italian prince whose family has “aristocratic ties to Pope Innocenzo XII” (https://federicopignatelli.com/). President, owner, and founder of Pier 59 Studios, the world’s largest photo studio complex. Federico was once accused of sexual harassment by his former assistant, but he was acquitted (https://nymag.com/intelligence2010/08/photography_studio_head_federi.html). Pignatelli also has his own modeling agency which is headed by Brunella Casella, the woman responsible for launching the career of scumbag Naomi Campbell, Cindy Crawford, and others (https://wwd.com/fashion-news/fashion-scoops/industry-model-management-new-york-office-10505934/
    

IRELAND
​

1. Gillford, Lord & Lady: Lord Gillford is Patrick Meade, the 8th Earl of Clanwilliam. He is a businessman who is on the board of Soma Oil & Gas Holdings and Eurasia Drilling Company, where he served as Chairman. Eurasia Drilling Company is owned by Russian billionaire oligarch, Alexander Dzhaparidze and billionaire Alexander Putilov.

Greece
​

1. Greece Princess Olga: Princess Olga, Duchess of Apulia (nee Princess Olga Isabelle of Greece) married her second cousin, Prince Aimone of Savoy, Duke of Apulia, in 2008. Olga’s father is first cousins with Prince Phillip (Queen Elizabeth’s wife).
   
2. Greece, MC & Pavlos: Pavlos is the eldest son of Constantine II, the last King of Greece, before the monarchy was abolished in 1973. Worked in New York as an investment portfolio manager. MC is his wife, Marie-Chantal, Crown Princess of Greece. Her father is the billionaire founder of Duty Free Shops. Her sisters, Alexandra and Pia, married into the von Furstenberg and Getty families, respectively. A dinner party was thrown for them at the Standard Hotel in 2009. There were about 12 guests there. One of those exclusive guests was Ghislaine Maxwell (source: https://wwd.com/eye/people/royal-standard-a-fete-for-princess-marie-chantal-and-prince-pavlos-2399957/
   

Russian
​

1. Guedroltz, Solina & Nicolas: Solina is a photographer. Her father is a viscount. Nicolas is an antique Russian furniture dealer. He is a Russian prince and is of Belgian nobility through his mother’s side.

Austria
​

1. Hapsburg, Marie: Royalty. Her father was Archduke Joseph Arpad of Austria and her mother, Archduchess Maria of Austria, was a Princess of Löwenstein-Wertheim-Rosenberg and a member of the House of Löwenstein-Wertheim-Rosenberg by birth. The Hapsburg (also called Habsburg) family is one of the most powerful and wealthiest families in Europe. The Hapsburgs are another Black Nobility family of very high prestige. I couldn’t find anything out about her husband, Raymond van der Meide. They have 7 children together.

"Power is like a bionic upgrade. Anyone can get it, but it takes true wisdom to use it for good."
In the 1980s, 'Project Albatross' was discovered by the Imperial State, which are definitely not and have no relation to Nazis (so long as you're playing the game outside of Japan). While they try and enact the plan, the US-like Republic (already at war with the Imperial State) send the renown commando Super Joe behind enemy lines to try and bring a stop to it. He failed, getting captured. As such, a second commando was chosen to both carry on his original plan as well as to perform a one-man rescue mission: Nathan (or Rad) Spencer. But it wasn't just his skills, talents, and weaponry that allowed him to rescue Joe, put a stop to the Imperial State, and kill a reanimated Hitler Master-D. He had a bionic arm, which can grapple things. Beyond this base story, each different canon tells a different interpretation of events.
Every individual canon is listed separately below, with different sources within the same canon being tagged separately. Elements of the Rearmed games appear in the 2009 remake (characters introduced in Rearmed appear in 2009, Rearmed 2's ending lays out the public mistrust in bionics and Joe's betrayal of Spenser which is a key part in the remake), implying they may be in the same canon, but with the lack of direct confirmation on this as well as the radical difference between the games they are listed separately.

Bionic Commando (NES)

Weapons

All weapons can break shield generators, large machines, and vehicles with repeat shots, unless a stronger weapon is used.

• A regular gun
• A machine gun
• The wide gun shoots a spread of three projectiles
  • When used in a top-down level, it shoots a spread of four projectiles
• The three-way shoots blasts either up, forward, and down
• The rocket launcher shoots forward powerful, piercing projectiles
  • These two can both break girder barriers which other weapons can't damage
  • They can also blow open a metal door
• A hyper bazooka which destroys a large helicopter shooting through its cockpit

Arm

In this game, the bionic arm is a wrist-mounted device, rather than the entire arm.

• Used to swing off of surfaces and pull himself up onto them
• Holds onto a flying helicopter while carrying another person
• Grabs items
• Spins it in a circle around him, deflecting a bullet

Other Equipment

• The medicine can be used to fully heal Spenser, and the iron boots allows him to kill enemies in melee
• The communicator allows for video calls with head command
  • Can wiretap into specific locations in enemy bases to pick up messages left by others and to listen in on enemy conversations
  • There are different kinds of communicators which work in different zones
• Uses the flare bomb to light up a dark cave
• The pendant deflects one projectile from hitting Spenser
  • The helmet does this twice, while the bulletproof vest does it for every other shot
• Can pick up power ups which have a ball of energy orbit him for a while

Bionic Commando Rearmed

Feats marked '1' come from the first game, and feats marked '2' come from the sequel.

Strength

• Smashes a large amount of stone blocks by slamming on them from a height²
• Can grab enemies and use them as human shields before throwing them aside¹
• Throws a large barrel¹
  • Throws a barrel hard enough to cause an explosion against the D-1 bot¹
• Yanks apart stacked segments of a stone column¹
• Yanks the bolts that connect a siege machine to its armor, making it fly back from the recoil¹

Durability

• Falls down a large shaft in a cavern¹
  • In general, falling from great heights does not hurt him¹
• Seemingly jumps out of a helicopter without a parachute¹
• Is on a giant missile as it hits the ground, which failed to explode but still wrecked the surrounding area, and is unharmed²
• His arm "deflects most conventional enemy firepower"¹
  • Stated to be able to block bullets²

Speed

• Stated to be capable of blocking incoming gunfire with his arm²
• Whips a bullet out of the air with his grappling hook¹
  • Spencer says his arm can "deflect most conventional enemy firepower"¹
• Repeatedly catches rockets out of the air in a boss fight¹
  • Does it again¹
• Ducks under bullets in flight¹

Arm

General

• Can pull himself up to higher levels and swing from the ceiling¹
• Can pull large objects towards himself¹
• Can whip the grappling hook around as an attack¹
• Access codes for doors can be uploaded to his arm¹

Upgrades
In Rearmed 2, Spencer can obtain a number of upgrades to grant his bionic arm extra abilities, though he can only have one active at a time.

• Can make a powerful uppercut²
• A grenade launcher²
• Can be electrified to disable or stun foes²
• Hacking capabilities, allowing him to instantly cause a door to open²
  • Capable of compromising enemy units individually, or en masse if used on a relay station²
  • Without this upgrade, can hack enemy systems¹
• Can release drones which orbit around him, diving into and exploding on nearby threats²
  • Can intercept missiles²
• In Rearmed 2 he requires an upgrade to have his arm whip around him in a circle, with it being able to pass through walls while doing so²

Weapons

Types

• Revolver¹
• Machine Gun¹
• Shotgun²
  • Can be fired to swing Spencer back and forth on his grappling hook¹
  • Can be fired rapidly¹
• Plasma Rifle¹
  • Can charge up a more powerful shot¹
  • Capable of neutralizing energy shields, seen here¹
• Vector Cannon, which shoots a reflective beam¹
  • Shoots a second beam once upgraded¹
• Bazooka¹
  • The rocket can be manually controlled¹
• The WASP Bazooka launches multiple missiles simultaneously²
  • Has a 99% hit probability after locking on²
• Goliath Launcher fires a metal ball, which it attracts back to the weapon through magnetism to fire again²
• Napalm launcher²
• Yoro Viper shoots electric attacks which runs along surfaces and can overload generators²
• Grenades¹

Strength - Regular

• Breaks through a force field projector¹
• Breaks through a small turret¹
• Destroys a large, flying turret¹
• Blows up the treads of a large siege machine¹
• Destroys a barrel dispenser¹
• Blows up a tank droid¹

Strength - Explosive

• Blows through rock to reveal a hidden passage¹
• Blows up a military vehicle¹
• Blows through a wall¹
• Destroys notable amounts of stone²
• Destroys a thick barrier²
• Blows up a huge aerial war machine with repeated rocket shots¹

Other Equipment

• Uses Biovision to scan for valuable information and weak points¹
• Uses a parachute¹
• Has iron boots, hurting enemies when he swings into them¹
• Has a bulletproof vest¹
• Has flares¹
  • They automatically light up in dark areas¹

Other

• Fights and defeats someone who has similar bionic augmentations as Spencer¹
  • Groder survived, but was severely injured and had to be placed in some kind of life support suit¹
• Acts without issue on a giant missile as it flies through the air²

Bionic Commando (2009)

Comic feats are tagged with 'C'.

Strength

Striking

• Cracks before shattering reinforced glass
• Punches a robot in two
• Punches a terrorist across a room
• Pulls an enemy in before hitting them away
• Pulls himself in to an enemy to drop kick them a distance
  • Does this to a large flying drone, striking it back in the air
• Punches crates into the air before striking them away
• Hits a forklift into the air before striking it away
• Strikes a car into the air before backhanding it away
• Can slam the ground after falling, creating a shockwave which hurts people around him
  • Takes out four people surrounding his landing site^C
  • Breaks through a concrete shell
  • Repeatedly strikes an enormous robot like this to force them back into the hole in the ground they had dug

Pushing / Pulling

• Takes out a helmeted terrorist by slamming their head into a missile with his regular arm
• Tears off the head of a robot
• Pulls off two of a robot's wings, one with his bionic arm and another with his regular one
• Tears out a portion of a monorail car from the building it's embedded in
• Presumably pulls off the door of a mid-flight hoverjet

Lifting / Throwing

• Lifts enemies into the air and slams them down
• Throws a large rock, breaking a fragile cave wall
• Lifts and throws a boulder
• Lifts and throws cars through the air

Other

• Pulls around a car
• Stabs through a robot with its own wing
• Cuts off a robot's arm and head with its own wing

Durability

• Blocks hits from a speedster bionic
• Dropped out of a jet^C
• Takes several kicks in the face before dropping from a helicopter, falling an incredible distance to the ground, landing unconscious making it unlikely his boots could have taken the impact. He later awakens without notable injury
• Gets launched into a city through a missile
• Launched away from nearby missiles but grabs onto a nearby hoverjet to fool his attackers that he fell and died

Speed

• Hits away Joe's pistol pointing at his head before he can fire
• Blocks hits from a speedster bionic
• Avoids rotary gunfire and a missile^C

Arm

• His hand swaps between being shaped like a regular hand and being a grappling claw at will
• Can extend, having a long reach and letting Spencer swing on objects
  • Chains grabs to swing over gaps
  • Can rapidly reel him in, throwing him over a ledge
• The arm can grab onto flat surfaces, like the outside of buildings, and not just poles
  • Can reel in to pull those objects to him, like enemies
• After building up adrenaline, can spin his arm cable around him like a whip, hitting enemies away
  • Seen here
• Grabs onto an object to clothesline a speedster with its cable
• Can hack into machinery, deactivating nearby air mines and reading messages
  • Hacks a plane after pulling a panel off the top, causing it to move as he wishes
  • Possibly used to neutralize a turret, though it could have just been pulling a sensitive part
• Projects a holographic screen for video calls^C
• Is his wife
  • Was able to briefly talk to her while unconscious after learning this

Weapons

• His base weapon is a small, automatic gun
• A shotgun
• A machine gun
• A sniper rifle
• A rocket launcher
• A grenade launcher
• Throwable grenades

Other

• His boots break his falls, allowing him to drop lethal distances without injury
  • Drops multiple storeys without harm
• Will sink in water due to the weight of his arm
• Bionics, like his arm, are particularly sensitive to radiation

Marvel Vs. Capcom

Feats marked '3' are from Marvel vs. Capcom 3, and 'I' from Marvel vs. Capcom Infinite.

Strength

• Cracks the ground coming in on his intro³
• Can hit and juggle enemies high in the air³
• Bounces an opponent off the ground before slamming them down with his grappling arm, cracking the ground both times³
• As a super move, tears up the ground while charging forwards with a punch^I
• Pulls in and punches away an Ultron Sigma drone^I
• Pulls in an Xgardian before throwing them away^I

Durability

• Has his arm grabbed by Ultron Sigma, who swings him up and then back to the ground^I
• Blasted down by Ultron Sigma^I

Arm

• Can continue to use his arm to pull himself towards walls or opponents, and to pull opponents towards him³
• Grabs a coupling from a distance^I
• Has the electricity of Avenger's Tower channelled through his arm to electrocute Ultron Sigma, though this takes him down for a while after^I

Other

• Throws grenades^I
  • As a super move, knocks an opponent down, shoves a grenade in their mouth, and has them blown high into the air as it explodes^I

Bionic Commando (Worlds of Power)

The Worlds of Power series was an collection of children's books based on popular NES games, with Bionic Commando closely following the plot and levels of the original. The protagonist of Bionic Commando is named Jack Markson, but as this was before there was an official name given to the character I'm including the book's feats in this thread.
Chapter numbers are included in the feats.

Strength

• Can punch with the force of ten men
• Punches the first two people in a group of eight, knocking them all down
• Using iron boots, karate kicks a ten foot tall iron door, smashing it down
• Tears open a heavily barred door
• Tears off a giant octopus' tentacle
• Before getting his bionic arm, beats up some ninjas, kicking away one's sword, stunning them with a neck chop, then flipping another

Durability

• Survives falling twenty storeys into a swimming pool, but needs medical attention, as well as the amputation of his arm between the fall and the injury from a shuriken. He is unconscious for days after this fall
• Once got shot by four bullets intended for elephants, but it's unknown what state he was in after
• Withstood some kind of torture from Nazz agents, though what kind is never stated

Speed / Agility

• While under fire from Badd snipers, springs twenty feet across a room "just beating two bullets" to a safe spot
• Activates his arm as semi-automatic gunfire is shot at him, the arm reaching a building's second storey and pulling him out of the way of the bullets by inches
• Dodges a sniper bullet
• Evades an electronic ray
• Avoids a ninja's sword swing, flipping them in the air

Bionic Arm

• In the novel his arm is made of plastic, appears real at a glance, and releases a grappling hook by touching the palm
  • Reaches the second storey of a building and pulls him out of the way of bullets before they can hit him
  • Latches onto the side of an elevator shaft
• Has two grappling hooks, the second one activated with a second press, which attaches to an opposite wall as the first one was. These two pull him out of the grasp of an octopus which was keeping hold with one grappling hook
  • Alternates between these two to swing across a gap
• Can shoot a laser of almost a thousand degrees celsius, allowing him to evaporate a container of water by his hospital bed in an instant
  • Instantly melts ice which is causing him to uncontrollably slide
  • On setting its strength to max, sets fire to a giant venus fly trap eating him
  • Heats the guns of twenty Badd commandoes to the point where they're too hot to handle in a second
  • Lights a candle
• Can scramble electronic fields, allowing him to evade enemy monitoring devices while seemingly still allowing him to send his own messages
  • Scrambles the electronics of a robot that was otherwise immune to his attacks, freezing it
• The fingers are extremely sensitive, allowing the arm to be used to open safes and disarm bombs
  • Runs over a brick wall on seeing a narrow crack between the floor and the wall, feeling out its trigger lock
  • Feels the clicks of a safe, allowing him to crack it
• Creates a unique electromagnetic field that compels whoever it's pointed at to tell the truth
  • When used on a Badd soldier, their face glazes over and speak in a robotic tone while answering his questions

Weapons

• He starts off the book with only a pistol strapped in a holster on his chest
  • Shoots through a metal cord supporting a chandelier, sending it crashing down on some ninjas
  • Has a stun mode, shooting chemical darts which instantly knock out people they hit
• Uses the wide gun to blow up robotic killer-copters
• Fires the rocket gun rapidly to blow up killer-copters
• The three-way gun shoots forwards, left, and right
  • Used to cave in and collapse a fragile tunnel
  • Destroys a killer-copter
• Disables four tanks with a machine gun
  • Seemingly uses high-power explosive rounds

Skill

Combat

• Along with Super Joe, senses that they're being watched by snipers and gets to the floor before they fire into their apartment
• Trained in martial arts with the federation
• Received training from ninja masters in swordfighting, and manages to take down some Badd ninjas

History

• At the beginning of the book, he's spent 10 years going on missions around the world with Super Joe, who he met in Federation spy school. Together, they've been on missions to Thailand and France
• In a mission in Argentina, he and Super Joe managed to locate and arrest all the leaders of the Nazz terrorist organization, though they weren't able to secure plans for a secret weapon called Albatros
• Saved Joe from some Nazz thugs, and apparently has saved him from many situations before

Other

• Has been trained to fly a helicopter

Helicopter

• Used a helicopter he could have hover and signal to pick him up from his location
• Can alternate between hovering and rapidly flying up at the push of a button of his transmitter, and quickly flies so far up that they'd need surface-to-air missiles to hit him
• Has an autopilot to fly to areas he chooses, as well as a medkit
• Alerts him to nearby hostiles
• Has an ejection seat which can automatically go off

Other

• Uses a flare bomb to reveal killer-copters flying towards him without lights at night
• A helmet he uses deflects a bullet
• The bulletproof vest has sniper bullets bounce off it
• Would never fire a gun against an enemy first

"How could I lose? I have a bionic arm."

As always I am sure there is more. The connections are like shooting the Elites like fish in a bucket.
​
Trump Connections coincidences from Epsteins Black book into future
​

1. Nick Adams
   
2. Conrad & Barbara Black: Conrad Black was a newspaper publisher. He controlled Hollinger International, which published the Chicago Sun-Times, The Daily Telegraph, most Australian newspapers, The Jerusalem Post (Israel), and The National Post (Canada). Conrad was recently pardoned by his friend, Donald Trump, after serving time for fraud. Black was once a Steering Committee member of The Bilderberg Group. Barbara Black is a journalist. She is Conrad’s 2nd wife.
   
3. Fisher, Dan: Given the address listed (Trump Tower), it is possible that this is a former lobbyist (https://www.citizen.org/news/36-former-lobbyists-working-trump-clear-conflicts-interest/ and current Special Assistant to the President and Director of the White House Visitors Office,
   
4. Gross, Pamela & Jimmy Finkelstein: James Finkelstein is the owner of The Hill, an American news website often cited here in conspiracy**. He is close with Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani. Pamela Gross is his wife. She worked at CNN until 2017 and is close friends with Melania Trump.**
   
5. Gubelmann, Marjorie: A socialite who is best known for hosting and performing as a DJ at high society parties. She has deejayed events for Bulgari, Versace, and others. She is currently the in-studio DJ for the Today with Hoda & Jenny show on NBC. Her ex-husband, Reza Raein works in oil. Guests at their wedding included Ivanka Trump, Tamara Mellon, Michael Kors, and Tory Burch.
   
6. Harvey Victoria: Ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew, Hervey is an English model and socialite. Although her relationship with Andrew didn’t work out, she remained in his inner circle. In 2000, she attended a dinner with Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Jeffrey Epstein (source: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9844083/lady-victoria-hervey-jeffrey-epstein-too-old/. Hervey is also a friend of Ghislaine Maxwell, who introduced her to Epstein and “set her up in one of Epstein’s apartments in New York.” Hervey is the daughter of Victor Hervey, 6th Marquess of Bristol, businessman and member of the House of Lords.
   
7. Hissom, Robert & Andrea: Robert is the founder of Aspen Capital Partners, a large property management firm. He is a friend of Prince Charles. His ex-wife, Andrea, famously got remarried to Steve Wynn, billionaire Las Vegas hotel tycoon. Prince Harry was a guest of Wynn’s at his Encore resort. Andrea and Wynn are close friends of Donald and Melania Trump (source: https://www.pressreader.com/uk/scottish-daily-mail/20120901/281904475353844
   
8. Jones, Ann & Mick: Mick is the guitarist of Foreigner, an immensely popular rock band in the ‘70s and ‘80s. His wife, Ann, is a jewelry designer, and friend of Ghislaine. Ann Jones was photographed at a party with Ghislaine and Donald Trump in 1997 (source: https://www.the-sun.com/news/85818/epstein-madam-ghislaine-maxwell-milked-billionaire-dad-and-threw-lavish-parties-with-beautiful-women/
   
9. Kersner, Sol: South African accountant and hotel and casino magnate who died of cancer in 2020. Kerzner was a close friend of Donald Trump. They even worked together to create The Palm, a man-made island off the coast of Dubai (source: https://www.ft.com/content/46393280-d9f9-11da-b7de-0000779e2340. Kerzner was also close friends with Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York (https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/sarah-ferguson-the-duchess-of-york-sol-kerzner-chairman-and-news-photo/83768272, Naomi Campbell (https://www.gettyimages.ca/detail/news-photo/naomi-campbell-and-sol-kerzner-pose-backstage-during-the-news-photo/82869744), and Bill Clinton (https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8144647/As-Sol-Kerzner-dies-aged-84-RICHARD-KAY-looks-riotously-louche-life.html. Kerzner was very good friends with Nelson Mandela and built his casino resorts with Gerard Inzerillo
   
10. Lindeman-Barnet, Sloan & Roger: Sloan has been a New York Times bestseller and an on-air and print reporter for NBC, ABC, and Reuters. Sloan and Roger also sit on the board of the Spence School in New York City, a private K-12 all-girls school (https://www.spenceschool.org/2017---news-detail?pk=999120). Her husband, Roger, is the founder of beauty.com and Chairman and CEO of Shaklee, a highly successful nutrition company. Donald Trump, Melania Trump, and Ghislaine Maxwell all attended the publication party for Sloan’s book in 2008 (https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/ghislaine-maxwell-anton-katz-and-robin-katz-attend-sloan-news-photo/619921016 https://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/news-photo/donald-trump-melania-trump-sloan-barnett-and-roger-barnett-news-photo/619921180).Other guests included Steve Mnuchin, Epstein and Maxwell chum Carol Mack, and a bunch of others also featured in Epstein’s ‘Black Book’ (Colin Cowie, Anton and Robin Katz, and Vittorio Assaf).
    
11. Mappin, John: Scientologist owner of Camelot Castle and is a “central figure behind Turning Point UK, the British arm of the pro-Trump American student organization” (https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2020/jan/11/trum-and-farage-supporter-flies-flag-for-qanon-rar-right-conspiracy).
    
12. Pashcow, Joel: Real estate magnate. He is a past trustee of the Children’s Medical Center at Long Island Jewish Hospital and trustee at ACLD, a charity for developmentally disabled children and adults. He is also on the Board of Directors of the Palm Beach police and fire foundation (https://www.palmbeachpoliceandfirefoundation.org/joel-m-pashcow-bio). Pashcow has flown on Epstein’s jets (https://i.redd.it/hcfoxsb8feb51.png) and has been to pedo island. In fact, Pashcow appears 8 times(!!) on one this released flight log, including once with his wife (https://archive.org/stream/EpsteinFlightLogsLolitaExpress/Jeffrey-Epstein-Flight-Logs-in-PDF-format_djvu.txt). Epstein has 19 entries for Pashcow in his ‘black book’. Here is Pashcow at the Policeman’s Ball, which Trump frequently hosts at Mar-A-Lago (https://westpalmbeach.floridaweekly.com/articles/10th-annual-policemans-ball-mar-a-lago-club-palm-beach/). Pashcow is a ‘Crystal Sponsor’ of the Palm Beach Police Foundation alongside Donald Trump (https://trustedpartner.azureedge.net/docs/pbpolicefoundation2017/news/PBPF_Newsletter_Winter_Spring_2015_TGOFPNMX.pd
    
13. Patricof, Alan & Susan: Alan is an investor, venture capitalist, and private equity magnate. Patricof served as the national finance chairman for Hillary Clinton’s 2008 campaign (https://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/20/us/politics/20donor.html?scp=19&sq=alan%20patricof&st=cse). From 1990-2016, the Patricofs donated $1,152,637 to Hillary’s campaigns (https://www.opensecrets.org/pres16/bundlers). Alan is also a trusted friend of Jared Kushner, Donald Trump’s son-in-law (https://www.politico.com/story/2017/06/29/jared-kushner-inner-circle-confidants-240116) Susan is his 2nd wife. Her brother, Craig Hatkoff, appears in Epstein’s contacts under ‘H’. Alan and Susan’s son, Jonathan, is President of Tribeca Enterprises, the company that owns and operates the Tribeca Film Festival. Their other son, Jamie, is a TV and movie producer. His wife, Kelly Sawyer Patricof, is the co-founder of Baby2Baby (https://baby2baby.org/who-we-are/#team), a children’s charity that helps children (0-12) living in poverty.
    
14. Perelman, Ronald: Billionaire investor. Perelman hosted a dinner party with Epstein, Bill Clinton, Don Fowler, Don Johnson, and Jimmy Buffett all the way back in 1995, when Clinton was still president (https://www.ntd.com/bill-clinton-dined-with-jeffrey-epstein-in-1995-predating-public-timeline-report_355103.html). Perelman is also a good friend of Donald Trump and has given hundreds of thousands of dollars to his campaign. Lives about a half mile away from Epstein’s NYC mansion.
    

​
Patricia Schneider was a 25-year-old waitress that disappeared from an unincorporated part of Riverside County called Pedley. She got off work from the Palamino Station in the early morning hours of Sunday August 1, 1982. Having car problems, she stopped at a Circle K mini market near the cross streets of Limonite and Van Buren. She was seen talking with two men with Sandy hair who were apparently assisting her with her car. She called her boyfriend twice while at the mini mart with the last call being around 3 am. She has never been seen since. However, her car was found about 2 miles away from the mini-market near Van Buren and Dolittle in the city of Riverside. It had been set ablaze. Police found her purse in the car.
Patricia was survived by her mother who lived in Banning California and did not have a phone and her aunt who lived in Laguna Hills California.
Patricia’s disappearance has at times been associated with the Disappearance and murder of Dorothy Jane Scott (1980, Orange California). The primary reasons for this is that the cars of both women were found burning hours after their disappearance. Additionally, a story about Patricia showed up in the Orange County register, due to her aunt and friends living in Laguna Hills.
What I have not previously seen noted is that Patricia was not the only disappearance on Limonite Avenue on that weekend in 1982.
On Friday, July 30, 1982, at around 4 pm, two miles from the mini market Patricia was last seen at ten-year-old April Irene Lamont was kidnapped while riding her bike to the Stater Brothers grocery store on the corner of Limonite and Etiwanda in the unincorporated part of Riverside County called Mira Loma. A search would be conducted for April and her bicycle would be found four miles North near Etiwanda and the 60 freeway in an industrial area called the Mira Loma Space Center. The following morning her body would be found dumped behind a Mobil gas station on Valley Blvd and the 60 Freeway in the unincorporated part of Riverside County called Rubidoux. The cause of death was believed to be asphyxia and their reports were in contradictory as to whether she had been sexually assaulted.
Media reports of April’s murder quickly disappear with only a blurb appearing the San Bernardino Sun a few articles in the Press Enterprise and a couple of articles in The Record a small newspaper published in the area.
Despite many search efforts, I have never been able to find any stories regarding a resolution to April’s murder in the media. I have also been unable to locate any court records regarding anyone being charged with the murder of April. However, April’s does not appear on any of the unsolved sites.
At first, I thought this may have been because of the father’s attitude as portrayed by an interesting quote in one of the articles. The only quote one I found. A report apparently caught him on his lawn within a day or two of the murder. He was quoted as saying, “I had three children. Now I have two.” I can only interpret this as being the words of a broken man. There was no doubt based on witnesses statements that April was abducted, so the father would not have been under suspicion. He did not appeal for the perpetrator to be caught and hanged or have any other cries for justice. He seemed to simply have accepted nothing would return his daughter to him.
Reading through the articles of the time in that area, it seems that the unincorporate areas of Riverside County known as Rubidoux, Indian Hills, Glen Avon, Pedley, and Mira Loma were striving to become a striving blossom into a booming city. However, those efforts seemed to be foiled by a scandal called the Stringfellow Acid Pits, which involved the dumping of toxic materials in the Jurupa Mountains which was found to have leaked into the Pyrite Creek and ran down to the Santa Ana River. Today, all of those communities are known as the City of Jurupa Valley.
So, the question remains, why is April’s murder not a cold case listed like that of Patricia’s?
I believe the reason is because they know who killed April and it is highly likely that the same person killed Patricia as well.
In 1982, there was a child rapist abducting and sexually assaulting young girls in Los Angeles, Orange, and San Diego counties. He was known as the Lost Dog Rapist, because he would ask children to help him look for his lost dog, snatching them. He would take them for a long ride in his car and then sexual assault them in the car or a motel room. Later releasing them by dropping them off at some other location.
Though he had been preying on girls for some time in the area, as things seemed to heat up in Los Angeles and Orange counties, he moved to San Diego County. There he picked up a girl and kept her overnight in a motel. However, he slipped up as the girl was able to lead the police back to the motel, he had taken her.
Within a couple of month’s Los Angeles Police Investigator would fly to Kansas and working with Investigators there, discovered that the address used to register at the Mission Valley Hotel in the San Diego area was one that had been frequented by a man who had been arrested for indecent exposure and then jumped bail. Shortly after that arrest in 1977, a series of rapes occurred in the Kansas City area. They involve home brake-ins as well as at least one rape on the streets. Most of the victims were girls around 9 to 12 years old, but one was 17 and another 20 years old. Victim identified the photo of the man who had skipped bail as their attacker. The name he was known as was Roscoe James Short.
Soon, a connection was made to an incident in Albuquerque New Mexico in 1974. There a man identified as James Henry Ginn Jr. also known as Patrick James Kerwin was arrested after being pulled over for a traffic infraction. As the officer was speaking with Kerwin, two women approached them and indicated that the man had just attempted to abduct one of them. One of the women said that she was leaving her place of work when Kerwin grabbed her and put a knife to her thought. He forced her into her car, but she was able to escape when the car would not start. The second woman came to her rescue as she screamed and the man fled to another car where he screech out of the parking lot. Investigators connected Ginn with a number of other attack on girls aged 14 to 16 years old. Eventually, Ginn would be charged with seven counts of aggravated assault, five of sodomy, and one count of kidnapping for crimes he was identified to have committed in the area. According to media reports, Kerwin would escape prosecution after unwittingly being released from a psychiatric hospital.
Between his activities in Kansas City and Alburquerque in 1976, Ginn would be arrested in Azusa California under the name Patrick Kerwin as part of a part of a drug bust involving 4,400 pounds of marijuana. The drugs were found when police responded to reports of a burglary. There they found 400 crates of onions each of which contained 11 pounds of marijuana underneath them in a truck at the house. The marijuana had a street value of more than $250,000 Ginn was arrested with two other accomplices at the time.
In 1979, Ginn was active in Corpus Chirsti, Texas where a 10 year old girl was raped. In that case, a man and a woman lured the girl to the car telling her they needed her help looking for a lost dog. They then took the girl to a motel in Victoria where she was tied to a bed, blind folded and gagged. The man then raped and sodomized her as the woman took photograph of the act. The girl was then dropped off at a restaurant in Corpus Christi.
In the late 70’s and early 80’s, Ginn would be active in Denver Colorado, where he was known as the Baby sitter rapist. Twenty-two attacks on girls ranging from age 4 to 15 would be attacked. In these attacks he would force his way into a home at assault babysitters and the children they were watching.
In May of 1982, Chief Darryl Gates would announce that they had identified the Lost Dog Rapist as Roscoe James Short. At the time they list a series of aliases that the man was known to use and stated that did not know what his true name was, but that the were sure who was committing the rapes. They also indicated that the individual was a known drug trafficker. Within a couple of weeks, the LAPD would indicate that the man’s true identity was James Henry Ginn Jr.
Attacks had gone quiet in Los Angeles, Orange and Sand Diego Counties after the March 1982 abduction of the girl in the San Diego area. That same month a 9-year-old girl named Jenny Kao was murdered at a Pasadena Mall while selling candy and the Lost Dog Rapist was considered a suspect. Another girl was attacked in Venice, a Beach area of Los Angeles, but some of the details of the attack were different, so police were skeptical.
After the May announcement of Short being the suspect and the clarification that his real name was James Henry Ginn Jr. things were quiet in Los Angeles, Orange, and San Diego Counties in the months of June and July. However, in Riverside County April would be murdered on July 30th and Patricia would disappear on August 1st.
On August 18, 1982, Ginn would be arrested by the FBI in a restaurant in Denver Colorado. By October, Ginn would be charged with 37 counts in four states and in a plea bargain be sentenced to 83 ½ years to be served in Colorado.
So, recapping what we know about Ginn:
- He is a rapist that has been active since at least 1961.
- He committed a series of rapes in multiple cities.
- He used different methods of operation, including abducting children from the street and forcing women into their own car.
- Has attacked waitresses as they left their jobs.
- He known to have attached girls and young women.
- He is known to have had accomplices in abductions.
- Possibly involved in child pornography.
- Involved in drug trafficking.
- Skipped bail repeatedly.
- Used over 10 aliases.
- On a couple of occasions, he was described as having blonde hair.
When investigating the Dorothy Scott murder, I uncovered four men who were involved in a kidnapping and rape spree in Orange County at the time of her abduction in 1980. Those four men were involved in sexually assaulting seven young women, mostly teenagers, raping them and releasing them. Four their crimes they were sentenced to 400 years in prison. It is curious to me that a man involved in the molestation of so many children, with a knack for escaping justice would get such a sweet deal that has him on the streets today after serving forty years of his sentence. I tend to wonder if some additional information came along with Ginn’s confession as he was clearly involved in organized crime of some fashion.
Interestingly, enough a little over a week before Ginn’s plea bargain would be announced, four agencies would raid a property in the unincorporated part of Riverside County called Glen Avon where they would find over $100,000 in stolen cars. According to media reports, they uncovered the location where a truck load of soap bound for Burbank (neighbors Van Nuys), was stolen. When the incident was reported to the Riverside FBI office, an agent there remembered the truck as being one he had seen at a Glen Avon address. It does not say why the Special Agent had been checking out the address.
It is my belief that the murder of April and the disappearance of Patricia may likely be the work of Ginn. Although Ginn had not been identified a murderer, it is very possible that with the heat on him he could have opted to kill April rather than leave a witness in the area he was hiding out. It is also possible that he involved accomplices that preferred that no witnesses remain. April also could have accidentally been asphyxiated as part of the act. As for Patricia, it is likely that her remains are somewhere between Riverside and Denver Colorado.
My video on Dorothy Scott: https://youtu.be/c-9eKdwiuKQ
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1342V9B37dN5FIv2jJJH09sPfXi_n1VRM/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ANB1vbISWO_Bmf1vRepUDkKRCLccP_BJ/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BGDdxVNGFmVtMFVTG12iahbpkfmqBxZz/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BtwZklIS9B_LhkOa8pEFeLDo_LFu05Ol/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Gz7FNXmAhG5PsF9WuHsKGaBXD0gXW7Zq/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HLVchcb74g-J5LxwoGVLXKIU-q-6iQ-4/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JTRvqux4oRePYnn9ICz-4wH7IW8Z1iRview?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1N4dCi60L2xAAcs5oKQ46vlC5PXzpJQXp/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NPbNCHahs6yLmIm8oEgsctE1g79tefkn/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1YL6W0U9Y8TI9kiVNL9nDkLgs8p9e_vvw/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bVXDquFfinMoTyjkIAn7R5ivC7gKEWqP/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bkRZijUwx-rXRxrKmY2mXyhwF7KRdqOG/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sWwnXZzHLYfurFB5bzFwaytEk6_pi_b4/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1w7GoO0cOed0dvKnmR0U4yflkWCYIfd2P/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zhTpfXrXR6ZjbL1dVczjg36UzEbeiBJQ/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T2I26lNPXALZPD1rh1exVVnTyIOYcBqL/view?usp=share_link
https://drive.google.com/file/d/14qNf2I5He_GcNTB9B51s5aHNWVZCqize/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16CR6hQithovZhSx4xRC573rjcxzt0Jbd/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BwXa6fiDKbBun0d6mSTx8tQuz_uOtm-1/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KPXWF5JEBUCz5QeQ-obn-Pgdpfr4YTAn/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PJzUvNi2wHtMbxHr0PkIJA3-SGh6axmP/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1T6luRGe2oBF2gMK-vfCIkBckbxQdpoYz/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1VvEovVlHv9_w922lCKK0mJgegUaTXGKq/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fIpsakjANoyCHELcEG6eNXZ1nRVvPfMt/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gqaggO800d1VC8AzkqoqiOf7c_nNwEsf/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1i0HxEvpJM4_NcK2n7cHHEggynrRqEGyN/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rANJEJ-kV1UIB4shb7AtTjfKYi3us-hu/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1u-HbuFdzCGm-IbHub9V5xI2y5LN2Twu3/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1vsDAHt7z9gamTeu5Yh4I8BqQty3HzUVL/view?usp=sharing
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1xX4mfaQ1mshnKuuT376c5C-iZVb6eFr7/view?usp=sharing

A self-styled far-right propagandist from Florida was convicted Friday of charges alleging that he conspired to deprive individuals of their right to vote in the 2016 presidential election. Douglass Mackey, 33, of West Palm Beach, Florida, was convicted in Brooklyn federal court before Judge Ann M. Donnelly after a one-week trial. On the internet, he … Continue reading Florida man, right-wing online personality, convicted in voter suppression scheme

Bill Clinton ( D ) Bill will be getting his own segment. This is the list of people connected to Bill and Epstein.
I am sure there is more to add. This is just from the Black Book
​

1. Joe Cashon Joe is a Vice President and helps to manage Northwater’s investments in portfolio companies . Joe comes to Northwater with a diverse background in both private and public sectors, including extensive international business and public affairs experience. Prior to joining Northwater, Joe founded an investment research firm focusing on risk analysisand market development, with a focus on energy, renewables, and financial services. For eight years, Joe worked as a senior aide to President Clinton and in leadership roles at the Clinton Foundation. He is a Graduate of Great Distinction from McGill University.
   
2. Mills, Cheryl: Lawyer who defended Bill Clinton during his impeachment trial. She served as deputy White House Counsel for Clinton, Senior Adviser and Counsel for Hillary Clinton’s 2008 presidential campaign, and Counselor and Chief of Staff during Hillary’s tenure as Secretary of State. Mills had a key role in Hillary’s email scandal and in Haiti, where the Clintons are heavily involved (https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/17/us/hillary-clinton-cheryl-mills.html
   
3. Doug Bands was a longtime adviser to Bill Clinton. He had a substantial part in the creation and inner workings of The Clinton Foundation. Purchased David Rockefeller’s old house in New York City for $20 million. Has been called “the key architect in Clinton’s post-presidency”
   
4. Lisa Belzberg: Ex-wife of Seagram heir Matthew Bronfman and former sister-in-law of Clare and Sara Bronfman, who were both involved in NXIVM, a cult that focused on sexual slavery. Belzberg reportedly had a sexual relationship with Bill Clinton in 2002 while still with Matthew Bronfman.
   
5. Ron Burkle: Billionaire founder of Yucaipa, an investment firm that specialized in buying and selling supermarket chains. Had close ties with Bill Clinton. According to Los Angeles Times, “Bill Clinton’s bromance with Burkle invited scandal.” The LA Times describes how “unverified reports of the two men jetting around in a Burkle 757 filled with attractive young women leached from the tabloids to the mainstream media.” This could be the reason for Burkle’s falling out with Hillary, as he had nothing to do with her campaign. He has hosted the Clintons and President Biden at the Beverly Hills estate and has brought together eclectic groups of celebrities and scholars to his dinner parties, from Warren Beatty to former heads of the CIA. He bought Neverland Ranch
   
6. Vikram Chatwal: Actomodel/movie producer and hotel owner in New York City and Miami. Bill Clinton, Prince Nikolaos of Greece, Naomi Campbell, and P. Diddy attended his wedding.
   
7. Dubin, Louis & Tiffany: Louis Dubin is a real estate developer specializing in upper-middle class condominiums. Has sold luxury condominiums to the likes of Charles Bronfman, who has ties to the Clintons, Wexner, and whose family were in the NXIUM cult. Tiffany Dubin is the stepdaughter of the now deceased billionaire, A. Alfred Taubman, the owner of Sotheby’s, a famous auction house in NYC that often hosts parties for the rich and famous.
   
8. Fairweather, Ambassador & Lady: Sir Patrick Fairweather is a retired British diplomat. He worked as Ambassador to Angola (1985-1987), Italy (1992-1996), and Albania (1992-1996). Lady Maria Fairweather was a linguist and professional interpreter who once helped out Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin when the official interpreter disappeared at a crucial moment just before the commencement of the G7 Summit.
   
9. Ganero, Mario Jr.: Where do we even begin? Mario Garnero is a Brazilian banker and entrepreneur who has been deemed the “father of the ethanol car” and is the chairman of the board and primary shareholder of Brasilinvest Group, a banking firm worth $700 million. Garnero’s connections run extremely deep. He is/has been personal friends with Jacob Rothschild, David Rockefeller, Bill Clinton, George H. W. Bush, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, Henry Kissinger, Helmut Schmidt, and many others. The following website makes some startling connections between Garnero, Epstein, and others (source: https://aeltri.com/2019/02/12/john-of-god-mario-garnero-and-epstein/. Quick summary: Record producer Damon Dash (former co-founder of Roc-A-Fella Records with Jay-Z) allegedly raped a supermodel who worked for Naomi Campbell at a party thrown by Garnero source:https://www.standard.co.uk/news/poshs-friend-sued-for-rape-6939248.htmlGarnero has been referred to as a “Rothschild pawn” who tried to help Aecio Neves rise to power. Garnero also appointed “George Soros frontman, Arminio Fraga, who worked in Soros’ Quantum Fund, as Minister of the Economy.”
   
10. Ginsberg, Gary: Former Executive VP of Global Marketing and Corporate Affairs at Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, the fourth-largest media group in the world prior to splitting in 2013. Ginsberg was a close confidant of Rupert Murdoch and Peter Chernin while at News Corp. Ginsberg also served in the Clinton Administration at the White House Counsel’s Office and Department of Justice. Ginsberg has brokered meetings between Rupert Murdoch and the Clintons, as well as Obama. Ginsberg is currently on the Board of Directors of New Visions for Public Schools, which designs course curricula for students in NYC. New Visions supports many schools, impacting 230,000 students(source: https://newyorkschooltalk.org/2019/07/at-new-visions-for-public-schools-its-all-about-continuous-school-improvement-hows-that-going/). Their Networks for School Improvement Initiative is funded by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. New Visions also has ties to the Carnegie Foundation, which donates millions of dollars in grants (source: https://www.carnegie.org/grants/grants-database/grantee/new-visions-for-public-schools-inc/#!/grants/grants-database/grant/312395808.0/). Ginsberg is also a friend of and speechwriter for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu.
    
11. Gittis, Howard: Gittis (1934-2007) was an attorney and adviser to billionaire businessman Ron Perelman. He worked at MacAndrews & Forbes, an investment firm owned by Perelman. In 1995, Perelman hosted a dinner with Bill Clinton, Jeffrey Epstein, Clinton college friend Arnold Paul Prosperi, Don Johnson, Jimmy Buffett, and Don Fowler, who was the co-chairman of the DNC. More on Perelman later.
    
12. Harvey Victoria: Ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew, Hervey is an English model and socialite. Although her relationship with Andrew didn’t work out, she remained in his inner circle. In 2000, she attended a dinner with Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Jeffrey Epstein(source: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9844083/lady-victoria-hervey-jeffrey-epstein-too-old/Hervey is also a friend of Ghislaine Maxwell, who introduced her to Epstein and “set her up in one of Epstein’s apartments in New York.” Hervey is the daughter of Victor Hervey, 6th Marquess of Bristol, businessman and member of the House of Lords.
    
13. Hatkoff, Craig & Jane: Hatkoff is a real estate investor, who, along with his ex-wife, Jane Rosenthal, and Robert De Niro, founded the Tribeca Film Festival and the Tribeca Film Institute. Hatkoff has donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to the Clinton Foundation.
    
14. Johnson, Richard & Nadine: Nadine is a millionaire public relations guru. Nadine is a good friend of Ghislaine Maxwell’s. Some clients of Nadine Johnson include spirit cooking extraordinaire Marina Abramovic and hotelier Andre Balazs, good friend of Ghislaine. Richard is one of the most well-known gossip columnists and was the editor of Page Six for twenty-five years. There is a great thread detailing the Johnsons’ ties to the Clintons, Balazs, and others here (source: https://threader.app/thread/1162148078981394432). Basically, Richard Johnson is friendly with the Clintons and, as Page Six Editor, purposely did not report or downplayed stories on the Clintons and Nadine’s clients. He also took bribes. Considering Nadine is a good friend of Ghislaine, it would not be a stretch to assume that Richard could have buried stories on Maxwell and Epstein.
    
15. Kersner, Sol: South African accountant and hotel and casino magnate who died of cancer in 2020. Kerzner was a close friend of Donald Trump. They even worked together to create The Palm, a man-made island off the coast of Dubai (source: https://www.ft.com/content/46393280-d9f9-11da-b7de-0000779e2340). Kerzner was also close friends with Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York (https://www.gettyimages.com/detail/news-photo/sarah-ferguson-the-duchess-of-york-sol-kerzner-chairman-and-news-photo/83768272), Naomi Campbell (https://www.gettyimages.ca/detail/news-photo/naomi-campbell-and-sol-kerzner-pose-backstage-during-the-news-photo/82869744), and Bill Clinton (https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8144647/As-Sol-Kerzner-dies-aged-84-RICHARD-KAY-looks-riotously-louche-life.html). Kerzner was very good friends with Nelson Mandela and built his casino resorts with Gerard Inzerillo
    
16. Kissinger, Dr. Henry A: Former U.S. Secretary of State and National Security Advisor under Nixon. Kissinger has long been accused of committing war crimes (ex: carpet bombing Cambodia, installing fascist governments in Chile and Argentina, genocide, extending our stay in Vietnam, etc) yet somehow managed to win a Nobel Peace Prize in 1973. Kissinger once said, “Military men are dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns for foreign policy.” Kissinger served with Epstein on the Trilateral Commission. Kissinger has also been a member of the Bilderberg Group, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Aspen Institute, and Bohemian Grove. Long thought to be an advocate for a globalist New World Order, Kissinger is a scumbag of the highest order. His connections with Gates, the Clintons, Bush Sr. and Jr., the Rockefellers, and the Rothschilds are well-documented. If anyone here has ever done any research regarding the NWO, you have undoubtedly seen Kissinger’s name several times.
    
17. Levine, Phillip: Ex-Miami Beach mayor and close friend of Bill and Hillary Clinton. He claims that he doesn’t know how Epstein got his contact information… all 13 phone numbers, including those of his driver and housekeepers (https://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/ex-miami-beach-mayor-philip-levine-listed-13-times-in-jeffrey-epsteins-black-book-11242116
    
18. Magaziner, Ira C: Was the senior advisor of policy development for President Bill Clinton. He now serves in a leadership role for the Clinton Foundation. He is a CEO and Vice Chairman of the Clinton Health Access Initiative which helps people gain access to medicine and health services in low and middle income countries, most notably in Africa. Remember, the Clintons helped bail out their colleague, Laura Silsby, who was caught trying to traffick 33 Haitian children (https://harvardhrj.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/14/2009/09/King.pdf). Most importantly, Magaziner traveled on the Lolita Express on several occasions (https://www.golocalprov.com/news/exclusive-sexual-predator-jeffrey-epstein-tied-to-ris-ira-magaziner-father), including the infamous flight that included Epstein, Clinton, Kevin Spacey, Naomi Campbell, and Chris Tucker. Magaziner also flew with Ghislaine Maxwell, also (https://www.golocalprov.com/news/new-epstein-associate-maxwell-who-flew-with-ira-magaziner-arrested).
    
19. Manzano, Jose Luis & Alejandra: Jose Luis is an Argentine businessman and former politician. He is a partner in Grupo America, the second largest multimedia group in the country. He has given money to the Clinton Foundation and The Climate Reality Project ran by Al Gore.
    

Friday (March 31st)

• 8pm - Andy's Bar - Bubby w/ Dust Mothers, Mile End Beach, & Cinema for the Blind - $13
• 8pm - Rubber Gloves - Morbid Visionz w/ Sadistic Force, Vorrükt, & Dysmorphia - $10
• 10pm - Rubber Gloves - Fluid Construct: exitaria w/ lilheauxondaprairie, downhill2k01, [redacted], & blissful fatigue - $10

Saturday (April 1st)

• 3pm - Dan's Silverleaf - Superkings - $15
• 7pm - Rubber Gloves - Judiciary (album release show) w/ Inclination, Tribal Gaze, Futureshock, & Mass Appeal - $20
• 7:30pm - Steve's Wine Bar - Patrick Overturf Quartet - $10
• 7:45pm - Andy's Bar - Aberdeen is Dead w/ Five Point Palm, Brotherhood, & The Aches - $10
• 9pm - Dan's Silverleaf - Hooks and the Huckleberries - $15
• 9pm - Harvest House - MNKR w/ Friend Operation & Hypnagogo - Pricing unclear

Sunday (2nd)

• 3pm - Dan's Silverleaf - Guy Forsyth - $15
• 5pm - Steve's Wine Bar - Natalie Gandy - $10
• 8pm - Rubber Gloves - Gratzi w/ The Shortlist, Crosswalk, & New Avenues - $10
• 8pm - Rubber Gloves - Exanimate w/ Lightthefire - $15

Monday (3rd)

• 9pm - Rubber Gloves - Old School Denton Freak Out with Paul Slavens - Free?

Tuesday (4th)

• 8pm - Dan's Silverleaf - Denton Bike Night Presents: The Last Knife Fighter - Free

Wednesday (5th)

• 8pm - Rubber Gloves - Duskseeker w/ American Cruelty & Godmurder - $10
• 9pm - Rubber Gloves - Grocer w/ Jake’s Holiday & Bighand // Bigknife - $10

Thursday (6th)

• 7pm - Killer's Tacos - Sour Grapes w/ Thurzdaze, Celsius, & Maze Behavior - $8
• 8pm - Rubber Gloves - Xiu Xiu w/ Lorelei K & Revinick - $20
• 8pm - Andy's Bar - Amethyst Michelle w/ alex(andria), Sad Sugar, & Lady Winters - $13
• 8pm - Dan's Silverleaf - Jaret Ray Reddick, West Texas Exiles, and Mason & The Gin Line - $25
• 8pm - Harvest House - Bottlecap Mountain w/ Brian Lambert & Matt Moran - Pricing unclear

Other things:

• Full list of UNT College of Music shows. Almost all shows are free & open to the public. Too many to list here weekly.
• Thin Line Fest 2023 will be April 26th-30th. First music lineup announced. Register for FREE here.

Welcome to the live thread for Friday, March 31st, 2023

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Hosts: Dan Abrams, Sean "Sticks" Larkin, and Curtis Wilson
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TLDR: Email that I (41/f) sent to my spouse (41/m) today (not legally married; had ceremony and big wedding without filing pw) who has been basically living as a single man. I am in recovery; he is an active substance abuser. I recently found a hidden stash of coke and other items (not the first time) and we no longer sleep together. I have two kids (teens) from a previous marriage; we share one very young child. We have been together for 13 years; “married” for 6. He travels for work and spends most weekends at our cabin, so is not physically present at home often = why I email. He is very successful at his job; I am working pt from home and in school ft (also from home).
Side note: I’m not sure why I’m posting here (and this is a throwaway acct – my real one is attached to my real name which is so stupid), but I think I am looking for…discussion or a sense of community and that I’m not alone. Thank you for reading, if you do.
Dear Spouse,
I’d like to try to share with you what is going on in my head and heart while we navigate this situation, and I know it is going to be long and peppered with anecdotal examples, but I would really appreciate it if you would read it and give it some thought.
Yesterday was raw and rough for me. I was glad we weren’t here when you left, and I spent the day fighting back tears and trying to force myself to eat. That is my current state.
When we got married, I remember praying with the pastor after going over more details, and I felt this sense of peace and commitment – not just to you and for you, but commitment to the idea that we were choosing to map out our lives on this earth together. There is a profound sense of safety in that idea – that we know that life is hard and can filled with obstacles and grief, but that you will overcome these times with someone at your side…essentially that you are not alone. I think that is the most devastating feeling, being alone, and it is one that crept in often yesterday and has been bubbling up for me in my quiet moments. I know there is some greater discussion there (we are never alone/all of us are alone, really), but for the sake of mapping out one’s life, that sense of relief was there for me on that day. It was like, “finally, I have found my person, my honey, and we are doing this”. I have come to embrace the idea that the decision to form a union like that, marriage, is not one that is completed just once. We are consistently faced with that decision throughout the rest of our lives here – am I going to honor this partnership? And I think that is where trust is so important. We make the decision, yes, but we are also trusting that our partner is also making that same decision, again and again. The reasons that we do this might change. It is often for love, but sometimes the decision is for the greater family – we decide to honor our union in order to not disrupt their lives. Maybe some days, weeks, or years it is because we know that love like this is an ebbing and flowing force – that it might not be fireworks all of the time, but you know that the excitement of truly connecting will come back. Sometimes the decision is out of laziness. We stay because it is easier than leaving.
Today, I know my reasons for staying which are independent from you. I know why I have continued to make the decision to honor the original decision we made when we were on that beach, and there is a strong pull within me to protect and nurture the kids and their worldview, sense of consistency and peace/safety, and to show them that relationships are not disposable. Their ability to self-reflect and to respect themselves enough to truly respect others, I hope, will be inspired by my process and example. I feel resolved in my decision for this reason, but there is no trust that you are doing the same or have been. This is where the heartache and sickness develop. I wonder if I’ve made a mistake in believing that you had the same sense of respect for what we had been trying to accomplish, if you’ve given up long ago without telling me, and I’ve wasted time, tears, and energy for a union that was only in my head.
And you were right to say that you couldn’t deal with this (me, the family, the union) while you also try to deal with that (the drugs, the alcohol, the cheating[?]), and this is absolutely true. Yet, I don’t see you fully taking the helm at addressing your addiction(s). You take a few days where you “don’t drink as much” and you “know that you need to stop all that other stuff”, and that is like saying there is a giant pile of actual shit in your living room and instead of figuring out where the shit is coming from and getting help to clean it up, you put a blanket over it and say that you’re working on it because you haven’t shat on the floor yourself for two days. Then the weekend arrives and it’s a giant orgy of you and others shitting everywhere, and then we are back in the same place. You need to make an actual appointment and begin the process of addressing this. You need support. You need guidance to work out the reasons behind the addictions. It is a process and I know first-hand that it will not happen overnight, but at least you’ll be on the road. I gave you the ketamine therapy resources because I thought this approach would be easier for you than going in somewhere and biting the bullet. I don’t believe that you’ve given that any thought at all; nor do I think you are serious about doing this or any therapy. This needs to happen, and you need to just swallow whatever is standing in the way of you doing this (I will even help you to set up an initial consult; I am volunteering to support you in doing the right thing in any way that I can) because whatever happens with us, you being consistent and healthy and off substances and not in danger of withdrawal symptoms needs to happen for you parenting [young child]. So, yes. Step one is for you to jump in and become an active participant in getting this figured out and to a healthy place.
If you are in a healthy place and able to self-reflect truthfully, then I think that you will have clarity regarding us and your hopes/needs for the future. I have told you that I will continue to honor us and be patient while you get to that place of clarity and peace regarding you and me, but I can’t do this knowing that you are spinning your wheels and refusing to move or even give me peace of mind regarding your fidelity. It is past the behaviors of addiction and enters into what looks like pure selfishness to me. You have your life of drugs and alcohol and whatever else with whomever else on one side, then you have me and a beautiful family set aside on the other. There is no impetus to change anything because you’ve been doing this for so long and nothing “bad” has happened other than my struggle in the past and me entering recovery. You haven’t been charged with anything or arrested yet, the cardiovascular damage you are doing has not reared its head yet, and I did not leave so our family is not broken yet. You continue to skate by and provide the basic framework of everything we need, except it is under your control/your oversight (which would be fine if there was equality in the future), but you yourself remain absent from the set-up. I raise and nurture the family; you pay the bills and do whatever you want to the extent of illegal drugs and cheating on me. The cognitive dissonance that you must feel with this, I think, is a portion of the “thickness” you feel when you’re at home. How do you reconcile it? I know I can’t.
So I try not to allow myself to go down rabbit holes – it is self-destructive. The thoughts of cheating are the worst, and I have to stop myself from wondering where and who and how often and if I am more of an idiot than I realized. The pipe-thing I found was another destructive path. Each day there are minefields that I mentally try to navigate, and each day there is silence or formality from you. You check in to see how [youngest] is doing. There is no further insight or sharing about anything non-surface about yourself, nor is there curiosity about anyone else. If you are home, I make you food and clean up and do your laundry and pick up discarded sunflower seeds and flossers and continue to manage the kids, and you ignore me and never touch me, and that is fine because you have this other life that drowns out the noise from how wrong this is. I spend these days and nights – the ones where you are home – half feeling relieved that at least I know you’re safe and half feeling like I could scream at any moment. I cry at night when the kids are asleep and wonder why I am not enough for you, why I continue to wait and hope when all evidence is showing me that you are not in this in a real way, why am I not good enough/worth real love from you, what options I have if I leave, if I will be able to forgive myself for allowing [kids’] family to fracture by finally doing something in the presence of your inaction. It gets more complicated when I think of how this would work out in practice and what assurances I have that [youngest] would be safe and happy with broken, separate holidays and scheduled parenting time. In the middle of the night, I think about how I could get a full-time job and not totally screw up his early years by making that type of huge change for him, if I should fast-track my graduation and postpone grad school or just not get my master’s, if I should fast-track and then work hard on trying to get a remote job or, or, or… The myriad of paths is complex; the gravity of my decisions – how they affect others – is ever-present. It is a horrible place to be in: confident of my ability and trustworthiness and love, attached to a person who is unable to provide me the same basic honor.
With [my previous ex-husband], this was all cut and dry. He was not self-aware enough or honest enough about his sexuality when we married and had the twins. That all came to light when they were just babies, my family was here to help me with childcare so I could work, and he is gay. It was still horrible, but I knew I needed to leave, and I did it. He and I have been able to re-establish a type of friendship now, and I have constant confirmation that I did the right thing when I see his life and home with [his husband]. That, though, is not the case here. From a practical perspective, I no longer have family here, they’ve all moved, I only work part-time because I am full-time parenting and have no way of making enough money to support a separate home without putting [youngest] in daycare (thus adding a minimum of $2k/month as an additional cost, not to mention him then being raised by others/having a huge transition and disruption), and until he’s in kindergarten, making a move right now would be traumatic because I would need to change everything in his life. From a mental/emotional perspective, you loved me once and are not gay and we promised each other that we would do this together no matter what at one time, so if we both decided and continued to decide, then there is hope, and if there is hope, then I don’t want to be the one to make that final separation a reality and knowingly invite that trauma and confusion into [the kids’] life story.
So, I write to you. Plead with you. Tearfully become vulnerable with you. Remain committed to my sobriety and path. Raise the family. Cry at night. Rinse/repeat.
Today I went to the smoke shop to get a new vape, and [the older kids] watched [youngest]. I was out, walking down the alley, breathing the air and feeling the rain, remembering pieces of me that are still alive, listening to one of my new favorite songs, not being the mom for a few minutes, and thinking about all of this. A guy came into the shop not long after me, and we had a small discussion over vape flavors. He was around our age and was funny and kind; made good eye contact and gave an overall sincere and kind impression. I walked out feeling happier just for the simple fact that a man gave me two minutes of sincere and kind attention. Like maybe I’m still attractive and worth talking to; maybe I’m not “a great mom, just not compatible,” or “a great mom, but doesn’t like any of the things I like and is boring”. I had a brief, intrusive thought: What if I gave him my phone number. It would be a meet-cute. Two single people connecting over a shared love of melon blast; blending our families and picking up vapes for each other. What if it could be that easy? We’d juggle monotony and boredom and the stress and joy of family and just be there for each other no matter what, happy to have a honey. Then I think again: what if it could still be that easy, but with you? And then I think: but the ball is in your court and has been…if we were to get to a place of easy, loving connection, then you have to decide that. And of course, your substance use comes first. How long do I wait, fighting with my own body to keep weight on, crying at night alone, investing in school and being a present and positive force for the kids during the day? Will I be able to do this until he's in kindergarten? Will we be safe until then, given your choices? What if I do have to wait until then? I’ll be pushing 44 years old. 44 and starting over, from complete scratch, with three kids. I want to shake you for putting me here. I want to shake myself for allowing it.
I know that I have made mistakes. I have made decisions that do not align with me as a person, and those decisions hurt you and hurt the family. I also know that I have done everything I can to fight my own addiction and to remain consistent in establishing that I am trustworthy and capable. I have bitten the bullet, done the hard work, looked at my life and my actions and my mistakes and failures, and I am a work in progress – we all are, I think, until our dying day – but I also know that I have learned from my failures, and I have embraced those lessons. This is what I want for you. I want you to take this as an opportunity to make lasting, real, profound changes that make your life not only good but authentic. If you do this and we still do end up a broken family, at least you will be in a place of true health and clear determination, with no secrets, with the ability to look every single person in the eye and tell your truth. I think that is one of the bigger life lessons that we minimize and distort as human beings, but it is important and relates to the much bigger picture of why we are here and what we are meant to accomplish. We are meant to care for each other. We are meant to care for ourselves. We are meant to lead lives that are true to that inner sense of morality; we are meant to live in the peace that arrives when your actions and behavior align with who you are at your core, without shame.
Thank you if you’ve made it through this; I think I’m done for now but will probably keep emailing until something happens. I want to be open with you and I want you to know what is going on in my mind/world while you make periodic check-ins. If for no other reason, at least you are not ever surprised or have to wonder.
-Me.