This is my second jurnal.

Visionaries 725 was a group of succes. We dint care what got in our way, and found a way past it. I have gone through the cycle about 50 times. The cycle. It is what keeps you alive in the dungeon. Oh yes that is right you don't know what the dungeon is. Or the cycle. Some come willing, some come unwilling. No matter what the couse when you find the way in, you don't get out. The dungeon is a huge maze with portals, and other things for me to expirement with. I have not told you my name. It is Dr. Anthony Recardo, and I am a Irish scients who was makeing weapons with Earth Core, or E.C, as I call it. Okay the cycle is something may sound confuseing untle you here how it works. So here goes nothing. The cycle goes like this. A person, like you, enters the dungeon, weather for a contest or not, you gon in, and just like that you are stuck in here with no way out. You make your way through the dungeon, and when you are about to die you fall through a portal, and are revived and are back in the beginging with most of you're memorys of your last go through of the dungeon, and anything with you. I wander. I don't know where I am. I thought that I had an eniter map of the dungeon but I was wronge. There are many monsters in the dungeon. I sit in my house most of the time, and when I do explore I find nothing. One of the mosters, or bosses I should say, is the Skeleton Master. And he has the Index. The Index has all the info I need. Like the info of my creations Dr.Recardo’s jurnal entry one. The reason I am writting in this second jurnal is beacouse the man named a Raptor Aptor had found his way into, and outof the dungeon. He took my jurnal, and the Bartender says he is selling it. Great all I need is some 

This is my second jurnal.

Visionaries 725 was a group of succes. We dint care what got in our way, and found a way past it. I have gone through the cycle about 50 times. The cycle. It is what keeps you alive in the dungeon. Oh yes that is right you don't know what the dungeon is. Or the cycle. Some come willing, some come unwilling. No matter what the couse when you find the way in, you don't get out. The dungeon is a huge maze with portals, and other things for me to expirement with. I have not told you my name. It is Dr. Anthony Recardo, and I am a Irish scients who was makeing weapons with Earth Core, or E.C, as I call it. Okay the cycle is something may sound confuseing untle you here how it works. So here goes nothing. The cycle goes like this. A person, like you, enters the dungeon, weather for a contest or not, you gon in, and just like that you are stuck in here with no way out. You make your way through the dungeon, and when you are about to die you fall through a portal, and are revived and are back in the beginging with most of you're memorys of your last go through of the dungeon, and anything with you. I wander. I don't know where I am. I thought that I had an eniter map of the dungeon but I was wronge. There are many monsters in the dungeon. I sit in my house most of the time, and when I do explore I find nothing. One of the mosters, or bosses I should say, is the Skeleton Master. And he has the Index. The Index has all the info I need. Like the info of my creations Dr.Recardo’s jurnal entry one. The reason I am writting in this second jurnal is beacouse the man named a Raptor Aptor had found his way into, and outof the dungeon. He took my jurnal, and the Bartender says he is selling it. Great all I need is some 

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

I'm essentially giving up, I'm tired as fuck as being told and sold this promise bullshit of the surgerys and the methods that I am trying that it's pointless and effortless and regardless of who I am, genes or anything else, I'm going to be shackled by my wieght and I'm definently going to die, no if, no buts, nothing. I'm going to share my experiences and why I am comming to this decision.
I am and I am well, fully well aware of my situation, my chances and the risks, however, I do not like being fear mongled, lied to, discouraged and used as a fucking lab rat or a permanent source of money. I am 30m, 509 as of today. I suffer from PTSD, Depression, anxiety, S.A.D. I'm using a different acc from my original but I am gonna explain a bit of my story. My highest weight was 576. During that time, this was about 5 to 6 yrs ago, I started to develop my ptsd, Depression when I ran out of my meds and my doctors refused to refill, I hit a massive crisis moment. I've lost 6 months staying inside, gaining, my mind went everywhere, demons resurfaced and I was alone. Essentially my best friend (bro) was there and helped me regained some sense and eventually, my Dr decided to refill my meds and things started to get back on track for me. I started on my weightloss journey from there and made alot a process
On a better tl:Dr for my journey, changing my meds, watching shows and learning about nutrition, calories, vitimans and portions. Cut down on alot of foods, frozen, takeout, junk, and implemented a routine that got me down to 487.
I was hitting a pleateu and decided and accepted that further help would be needed, now here's where the bullshit
BMC (Boston Medical Center)
Me and my brother went to a appointment for possible gastric sleeve that I've heard about soo much from my 600 lb life. I was interested because from what I was told by the doctored, it takes out the majority of the stomach and the big part that releases the hunger hormone that makes some eat. Did a weigh in, sat down with the surgeon assistant and things went down hill from there. We was discussing the three surgeries, bypass, sleeve and band. The pros, the cons, risk, success rates, etc. I explain how I'd like the gastric sleeve. He looked at me and strongly advise the gastric bypass because
it's more successful, long term, permanent and in his words, actually work
I've explain my concern and my feelings against the bypass and not even finishing my words, he cut me off and said that I only wanted the sleeve so that I can still eat whatever I want and what's it. He went on to saying how some woman came with concerns of nolonger eating rice and ice cream. Told me the hernia, dumping syndrome, gallbladder issues and the throwing up with daily sickness is a small price to pay for a overall successful weightloss and happiness and living. I won't lie, I tuned him out because by that point, he's not listening to me so everything else I say is pointless. They gave me a folder of their program which takes place for 3 months to just start the program. Classes mandatory to learn about the life change, culinary classes, other stuff that though was a good idea, they put in my FUCKING MEDICAL NOTES FOR A MANDATORY BYPASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mt Aubern in Boston
Scheduled a appointment, filled out online paperwork and joined a online call from the head and eldest and one of the founders of that location from decades ago. He guides me asking simple and understandable questions, like do I smoke weed cause it induces hunger. He also told me that his practice, he believes in genes playing a major role in wieght gain.(HEAVELY IMPORTANT FOR LATER) he sent me a link to watch which is mandatory, but educate me about the three options, a touch of the history, the pros, the cons, the percents of success, fails, etc. Moving on, I on the phone meet up with a social worker who God forgive me, was unbearable. In short, she's the type that covers her assess throw paper work and it's her way or the high way. She tells me, condencendently that I have no choice but to go to her, everyone goes through her. She explains that while everything is being process, I'd need to wait 2 months til then. I waited two months aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd nothing. I've called them and God only knows why, their phone lines were disconnected. I've asked my pcp to reach out, nothing. 6 months later, I get a call from the social worker telling me in order to continue the program, I'd have to sign a waiver to have my social worker to share everything we talk about and it now has to be all about my wieght. She Never mentioned anything about that prior and it caught me off guard. I've asked what happened to the office and she claims she has No idea what I'm talking about. I've shared my feelings about the sudden process and she was saying " that's not my problem, I have it RIGHT HERE, I have it Right here you agreed to the waiver of your social worker and the discussions. We've talked about it and I have it right here that you've agreed to the steps" sounding snug, forcefully and uptight. All I hear from that is My Ass is Covered af and my rules my rule, and when something inevitably happens, MY ASS IS SAAAAAFFFEEEE, oh and too bad 🤷‍♂️
After speaking to my social worker about my concerns, I've called the sw back and told her I'm no longer interested. She said, " I'll pass the message" click*
MT Auburn in Waltham MA ( all in MA btw)
I've made a appointment after not getting anywhere and started to gain, I've asked my Dr office and ask for a recommendation for a comfortable, pleasant experience, I was told this place is excellent and nice. They sent me to Mt Auburn in Waltham. Walked in, pleasant af receptionist, Godforbit you're ruining their lunch( I'll explain in a bit) weigh in, walked in office, explained bit of my story, she took notes and asked questions. She then told me that I should eat lentils, that her other clients complain about eating that and she really pushes them to eat that and lots of protien powder, this is one of the things I don't like being compared with others left and right. She also advised me that I stead of eating with a TV on, to eat while there's nothing on. Few more mins and that makes one appointment. My next appoint I was told, extragerated that I cannot be late, I HAVE TO BE HERE EARLY AND ON TIME. Got there with the seriousness and the demand of being on time, mf receptionist ARE AT LUNCH. I have nothing against them having their break, but don't fucking demand me come here early to an empty receptionist, empty waiting room and the same Dr who DEMANDED THAT I COME EARLY SAW ME FROM THE HALL WAY AND IGNORED ME AFTER MAKING EYE CONTACT. waited essentially 20 min after my appointment and got seen by her. She essentially told me that everything I've been doing is Wrong. I've told her I've been using chickpea pasta, she nodded her head and said "nice, you should try whole wheat pasta" I told her that I don't do well with wheat in general, she simply said that I need to eat wheat. She gave me an annaligy that destroyed me
The body is the bank and food is money
The more money the bank has, the happier the bank is. The bank loves to hav3 money in its account, however, when the bank starts loosing money ( body loosing weight) the bank starts to panic and is going to hold on to as much money (cal) as it can.
I've tried to tell her my methods and habits and I was told that it's all bad, seriously bad. She advise me to eat a tv dinner lean cuisine, and gave me a pamphlet of what I needed to do. To explain, some of the methods was
Chick pea pasta, eat it twice a month
A hand full of peanuts as a snack
Eating low fat foods
There was a rebuttle for Everything!!!
Cheakpea=Needs to be wheat
Hand ful of peanuts, once a day=TOO MUCH FAT
Low fat foods=Not consuming enough protien shakes
I was also shamed that my meds, the big one, Clonidine .4mg causes weight gain and try to con me into Not taking it. When I told my family and friends the story, they all get disgusted and angry for me. The place essentially shamed me by saying it's a cause as to no matter how much I try, it promotes weight gain. It scared me to the point of skipping and going through withdrawals
When we finished, she saw the sadness in my face and asked if I'm alright and after I said yes, she said remember, the bank
I've forgot to mentioned that the fear chats is saying I'm gonna have a heart attack
ALL my problems involve ny wieght, litterally nothing much. Hell, i had a phycologist demand that I don't drink soda, insinuate that all my issues are involve with my wieght, even though she had a soda right next to her. Btw I don't like soda or surgury drinks. My current PHY wants to check my vitals for a AH HAH type move, asking for cholesterol, blood sugar and thyroid. It's serverly harming me both physically and mentally. It's got me so defeated and loss, I've essentially said Fuck it. No Dr is gonna hear me, no one wants to deal with me unless they're getting a pay day from my insurance. I've been told also that I've for got to mentioned, the last clinic says that genes doesn't mean anything. HOW THE FUCK DOES SAME HOSPITALS, DIFFERENT CLINICS SAY AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS?????
I've been told basically that anything without weightloss is pointless, ppl that I know that got the gastric bypass, a "sister" who got it gets sickly monthly, hernia, gallbladder, literally, she goes the hospital every month for a serious issue. It happens so much, we've lost track on how much. On top of that, she gained all that back and more, aaaannd still going through alot physically because of it. Before that, she was abit big, yes, but she never had any health issues, it more was an image issue
Someone I was a neighbor had the bypass, died of a heart attack by the age of 36
Me personally, my bloodpressure is 125/90(was 141/100)
Blood glucose 5.7 (was 6.0)
Thyroids are normal
I know and we'll aware my weight is dangerously high, however idk Genetics is helping in ways, and the reason I say that because and sadly, my Godbrother who's 33, slim/fit, works out and whatnot has diabetes type 2. He wasn't born with it and was Never big, he prob weigh bout 170
Someone else I know who's less than half my weight has hbp that's in the 160s, even going for at times 170+, he moves around and eats accordingly.
Majority of Dr's saying that everything is temporary and im fucked once I get older, meanwhile I have family in their 50s, 80s and 90s that are heavy set and doing very well aside from just the scale.
I will say that None of us are immobile, moving around feels natural and aside from having asthma that can trigger from stress, everything else is great honestly. No knee pains, no joint pains, in ways, flexible, and no family health issues.
We do encourage each other from not eating junk food or eating out. We all talk about what's on the nutrition facts and try to stay away from high sat fat, carbs and sugar. It's helped us in many ways, however with what was told to me by the "professionals" I honest to God gave up.......I gave up, I'm sorry
I'm not giving up like I wanna eat like Its going out of style or eat all the wrong things, but weighing myself every 2 months, counting every cal in meals to the point I'm having panic attacks and high anxiety that shuts me down mentally and not feeling like I'm living for myself, it's draining and tiring some by alot. I'm tired of looking for medical help since I'm getting different answers, different experiences, but being told the same be slim, be happy. Sad thing is my current phycologist tried to sell me on that by saying, lying imho " I have a few patients that got the surgery and they feel more energized and happy*. The second I said that a few ppl that had that is 6 ft under he shut that shit down way quickly. Im not being heard, I'm not being listened to. Why fucking Bother???

Today's anniversaries are:
1976

• Rush - 2112 ()

1999

• Venetian Snares - Fuck Canada / Fuck America (electronic, idm, analog, breakcore, drunk, heavy petting, jungle, ladies underwear, noise, speedcore, stupid, venetian snares, winnipeg, Winnipeg)

2000

• Anorexia Nervosa - Drudenhaus (black, black metal, death, extreme metal, metal, thrash, France)

2001

• Rammstein - Mutter (Metal)

2003

• Venetian Snares - Badminton (electronic, idm, analog, breakcore, jazz, jungle, Winnipeg)

2007

• Journal - Casualties of War (mathcore, metal, metalcore, music for video games, of, progressive metal, unlorja, war, Sacramento)

2008

• Poil - L'Ire des papes (progressive rock, rock, superhero big beat surf, noise, Lyon)

2009

• Comity - You Left Us Here… (metal, post hard core, violence, experimental, metal, sludge, Paris)

2010

• Down I Go - Witness the Shitness (dinocore, disastercore, metal, robotcore, tyrantcore, London)

2012

• Niechęć - Śmierć w miękkim futerku (jazz, jazz fusion, avant-garde, jazz and improvised music, jazz rock, post-rock, Warszawa)
  
• Profond Barathre, Rorcal, and Malvoisie - Split (black metal, geneva, metal, collaboration, doom, drone, post-hardcore, post-metal, split, Switzerland)
  
• The Great Gamble - Book 1 (progressive rock)
  

2013

• Postmadonna - Postmadonna (adhd rock, electronic, experimental, progressive rock, punk, alternative rock, math pop, math rock, Seattle)
  
• Pryapisme - Hyperblast Super Collider (metal, rocococore, avantgarde, experiemental, progressive, France)
  
• Teramobil - Multispectral Supercontinuum (metal, instrumental, mathcore, progressive, technical, Montreal)
  

2014

• Lee Wanner - Vanilla Suburb (Electro, Soul & Funk)
  
• Naðra - Eitur (black metal, metal, Iceland)
  
• Pyrrhon - The Mother of Virtues (extreme metal, metal, death metal, gorguts, metal, portal, progressive death metal, progressive metal, tech death, techdeath, technical death metal, ulcerate, New York)
  
• Throatpunch City - Two Thousand and Punch: A Face Odyssey (progressive rock, rock, math, math rock, mathrock, prog, prog rock, progressive, riffs, tech prog, UK) Read our review.
  

2015

• Time Bomb - Exegesis (deathcore, metal, avant-garde, crust, experimental, grindcore, mathcore, noisecore, progressive, Fresno)
  
• You Probably Haven't Heard of Us - Pretentious Hipster Garbage (experimental, hipster garbage, indie, metal, Baltimore)
  

2016

• Enlight - Voices (alternative, ep, enlight, progressive rock, ethereal, guitar, prog, voices, Melbourne)
  
• Entheos - The Infinite Nothing (Metal) Read our review.
  
• Hamburger Helper - Watch the Stove ()
  
• Huő - Sques (alternative, indie, indie rock, math rock, post-hardcore, Connecticut)
  
• I Am the Morning - Lighthouse (progressive rock, rock, baroque rock, chamber progressive, chamber rock, female vocals, neo-classical, string quartet, Sankt Peterburg) Read our review.
  
• Marena Whitcher's Shady Midnight Orchestra - Trü Wissdursiktiga Spukkisväberss (experimental, ghost jazz, jazz, pop, avant-garde, fairytale, spokenword, Switzerland) Read our review.
  
• Mogwai - Atomic (rock, alternative, instrumental rock, post-rock, soundtrack, soundtracks, United Kingdom)
  
• Moonsorrow - Jumalten aika (Pop, Rock, Hard Rock, Metal)
  
• Niechęć - Niechęć (jazz, jazz fusion, avant-garde, jazz, jazz and improvised music, jazz rock, nu-jazz, post-rock, Warszawa) Read our review.
  
• Piss Vortex - Future Cancer (experimental, experiemental, grindcore, hardcore, jazz, metal, Copenhagen)
  
• Port noir - Any Way the Wind Carries (Alternative) Read our review.
  
• Sevish - MK-Superduper (drum & bass, electronic, london, uk, atmospheric, breakbeat, drum and bass, "drum'n'bass", liquid, liquid dnb, microtonal, xenharmonic, United Kingdom) Read our review.
  
• Slice the Cake - Odyssey to the Gallows (death metal, deathcore, esoteric, metal, occult, progressive, Brighton) Read our review.
  
• Slice the Cake - Odyssey to the West (death metal, deathcore, esoteric, metal, occult, progressive, conceptual, esoteric, occult, technical death metal, Brighton) Read our review.
  
• The Algorithm - Brute Force (breakcore, electronic, electronic-metal, idm, metal, France) Read our review.
  
• The Enid - Dust (Alternative, Pop, Rock, Indie Rock/Rock pop) Read our review.
  
• Uncanny - Uncanny (experimental, metal, jazz, progressive, Oslo)
  
• Wildernessking - Levitate (atmospheric, black metal, metal, post, progressive, rock, Cape Town) Read our review.
  

2017

• Crater - Mother Unnatural (death metal, extreme metal, metal, progressive metal, Davenport)
  
• Hermelin - Tüdelüt (math rock)
  
• Lucio Hortas - Landscapes (metal, ambient, djent, instrumental, progressive metal, Buenos Aires)
  
• Soonago - Nephele (instrumental metal, rock, ambient, bielefeld, germany, instrumental rock, metal, post-metal, post-rock, postrock, rock, shoegaze, Bielefeld)
  
• Stnnng - Veterans of Pleasure (noise rock, punk, rock, art rock, post-punk, Minneapolis)
  
• Their Dogs Were Astronauts - The Djent (djent)
  

2018

• Asēitās - Asēitās (black metal, blackened death metal, death metal, metal, doom metal, technical death metal, Portland)
  
• Brutal Blues - BB (punk, grind, grindcore, noise, noise grind, space grind, Norway)
  
• Frayle - The White Witch (alternative, rock, doom, doom rock, hard rock, heavy, metal, stoner, stoner rock, witchrock, witchy, Cleveland)
  
• Ichika - He Never Fades (soundtrack, experimental, guitar instrumental, Tokyo)
  
• Ichika - She Waits Patiently (soundtrack, experimental, guitar instrumental, Tokyo)
  
• Ill Considered - 3 (experimental, improvisation, london, postjazz, soundtrack, London)
  
• Into the Infinite - Planar Collapse (death metal, deathcore, metal, breakdowns, chugs, djent, heavy metal, new jersey music, progressive metal, tech death, thrash, New Jersey)
  
• Jazztick - Game Set! (jazz, jazz fusion, arrangement, vgmusic, Santiago)
  
• Omega Diatribe - Trinity (djent, extreme metal, groove, groove metal, math metal, metal, modern metal, djent, math metal, progressive metal, Hungary)
  
• Pharnal - Limbes (jazz fusion, progressive rock, rock, prog, progressive, progressive metal, Lyon)
  
• Third Island - Omelas (metal, omelas, shoegaze, stoner metal, tipperary, doom, post-metal, post-rock, sludge, Limerick)
  
• Усы (Usy / uSSSy) - Demos (experimental, noise-rock, other, psychedelic, quarter-tones rock, город Москва)
  
• 大神棍 (Dàshén gùn) - 烈祝贺你妈福专 (Liè zhùhè nǐ mā fú zhuān / Bless Your Mother) (extreme metal, metal, alternative metal, funny, progressive metal, Beijing)
  

2019

• Dave Nasty & Antonio the Top Jawn - Unfair (experimental, brutal prog, harsh noise, heavy, industrial, industrial noise, no wave, noise rock, now wave, pigfuck, post-industrial, power electronics, psychedelic, sludge, Chicago)
  
• Ex fauna - Blue Moon (punk, antagonism, dissonant, experimental punk, noise, noise rock, sound effects, spastic, thrash, Chicago)
  
• Foli griô orquestra - Ajo (world fusion)
  
• Gardenjia - Immortal (metal, dark metal, progressive metal, Brindisi)
  
• Julien Favreuille, Christophe Motury, and Stefan Orins - Till mina vänner (jazz, Lille)
  
• Skeletonized - We Gladly Feast on Those who Would Subdue Us (experimental, electronic music, free improvisation, heavy, no wave, noise, noise punk, saxophone, Pittsburgh)
  
• The Orchestra of Mirrored Reflections - Best (Jazz)
  
• Tony Wilson & Burn Down the Cornfield - This Way through the Forest (experimental, jazz, experimental, jazz, Vancouver)
  
• Triocracy - Pyramid Scheme (creative jazz, jazz, avant garde jazz, classical jazz, jazz and improvised music, modern jazz, neo-classical, new classical-jazz-improvisation, new music, nu-jazz, Minneapolis)
  

2020

• Dead - Raving Drooling (experimental rock)
  
• Intoku - Intoku (math rock)
  
• Naegleria fowleri - Prognosis Dire (experimental death metal)
  
• OA/E? - Overview Effect (experimental electro)
  
• Paris Death Hilton - Age of Death (experimental math rock)
  
• Sandesh Nagaraj - Full of Life, Full of Death (contemporary classical, experimental electro)
  
• Sanity Obscure - Space. Doom. Mystery (technical death metal)
  
• Space Echo - 4月 (Shigatsu / April) (darkwave)
  
• Strange Things - Sunshine (post-rock)
  

2021

• Big Chef - Split with Big Chef (brutal death metal)
  
• Déhà - A fleur de peau Ⅳ : No More Dawn (post-black metal)
  
• Maston - Panorama (jazz fusion)
  
• Pulses - 話す (Hanasu) (nightcore)
  
• The Monsters of Kattegat Orchestra - Ghosts & Mementos (post-rock)
  
• Yoe - To Exist among Wolves (free improvisation, noise)
  
• Ահամահ (Ahamah) - Ահամահ (Ahamah) (blackened doom metal)
  

2022

• Amalia Umeda Quartet - Nowoświt (avant-garde jazz)
  
• Andromida - Wrath of the Vanguard (electro-djent)
  
• Aquae fūrtīvae - Road to Square One (progressive metal)
  
• Asher Gamedze, Xristian Espinoza, and Alan Bishop - Out Side Work (Two Duets) (free jazz)
  
• Awaken Eternity - Leviathan (progressive metal)
  
• Black Death Cult - Diaspora (blackened death metal)
  
• Bryan McAllister - I'll Meet You There (jazz fusion)
  
• Candescent AD - Dissociation in Three Fractions (post-hardcore)
  
• Carpenter Brut - Leather Terror (darkwave)
  
• Chainsaw for Birthday - Hell Is Empty (post-rock)
  
• Chienvoler - SVP me contacter si vous connaissez la personne qui a perdu un CD identifié « MUSIC-19 Feb 2022 Master » dans le lecteur du Communauto/Flex 2951 à Montréal le 31 mars 2022 (experimental rock)
  
• Choke Me - Death like a Sunset (grindcore)
  
• Cordâme - Ravel inspirations (classical, jazz)
  
• Cratophane - Cratophane (avant-prog)
  
• Crom-Tech - Gravity (jazzcore)
  
• Design Flaw - Beasts of a Future Decay (post-hardcore)
  
• Dirty Shirt - Get Your Dose Now! (folk metal)
  
• DJ Travella - Mr Mixondo (experimental EDM)
  
• Dustin Laurenzi's Natural Language - Seamless Architectures (modern jazz)
  
• Ekkaia - Las hogeras arden cada vez con más fuerza (blackened hardcore)
  
• Eunoia - Psyop of the Year (post-hardcore)
  
• Fire Bush - The Kids, the kids (math rock, post-rock)
  
• Fire-Toolz - I Can't Die as Well (metal vapour)
  
• Forests - Get In Losers, We’re Going to Eternal Damnation (math rock)
  
• Gazelle Twin - The Wastelands (experimental pop)
  
• God's America, Fed Ash, Beggin' for Oxys, and Reeking Cross - Four-Way Split (grindcore)
  
• Gold - This Shame Should Not Be Mine (darkwave, post-rock)
  
• Golgothan Remains - Adorned in Ruin (death metal)
  
• Hikes & Into It. Over It - Reciprocity (math rock) Read our review.
  
• Homeskin - Each Day Orbital (avant-garde black metal)
  
• Homeskin - Old Smeuse (blackened grindcore)
  
• Hyalophagia - The Luminous Apex (technical death metal)
  
• If It Kills You - Invisible Self (post-rock)
  
• Islander - It’s Not Easy Being Human (nu-metal)
  
• José Lencastre's Common Ground - Common Ground (free jazz)
  
• Kheth Astron - Portable Braingate (ambient electro)
  
• King Garbage - Heavy Metal Greasy Love (R&B, soul)
  
• Kokko Quartet - Broken Dream (modern jazz)
  
• La Société des timides à la parade des oiseaux - Romanciel (avant-prog)
  
• LDSN - Not-Knowing Feast (musique concrète)
  
• Le Collège d'ingénierie à l'œil - Partie 1 (psychedelic folk)
  
• Lemat - Ensemble of Organic Amazements, Volume Ⅱ (psychedelic rock)
  
• Limbo God - Closure (progressive rock, folk)
  
• Mattergy - Primordial Wrath (progressive metal)
  
• Meshuggah - Immutable (progressive metal)
  
• Michael Larocca - Ideal Laundromat (free improvisation)
  
• Moonsüün - Recovering (free improvisation)
  
• Niechęć - Unsubscribe (jazz fusion)
  
• OK Wait - Well (post-rock)
  
• Ouranos - Voir la lumière (atmospheric black metal)
  
• Pattern-Seeking Animals - Only Passing Through (progressive rock)
  
• Phase Duo - Generative Glimpse (experimental electro)
  
• Pipia - Bang (experimental rock)
  
• Psychic Graveyard & USA Nails - Split (experimental rock)
  
• Pup - The Unraveling of Pup the Band (indie punk)
  
• Rob Clearfield & Quin Kirchner - Concentric Orbits (modern jazz)
  
• Rob Ford Explorer - Two Songs (math rock)
  
• Saklas - The One Who Swallowed God (avant-garde black metal)
  
• Sarcastic Burn Victim & Suppression - Split (jazzgrind)
  
• Şatellites - Şatellites (psychedelic folk)
  
• Simon Nabatov Octet - A Few Incidences (avant-garde jazz)
  
• Slant of Light - Slant of Light (indie rock)
  
• Summer Birds - Edges Mixtape (post-rock)
  
• Sunrise and Ammunition - Triangulum (psychedelic rock)
  
• Talsur - Dark (atmospheric doom metal)
  
• Thebes - Ziggurat beyond the Unseen Shroud (atmospheric black metal)
  
• Tranzat - Ouh là là (progressive metal)
  
• Two Minutes to Late Night - Covers, Volume 11 (heavy metal)
  
• Ultha - All that Has Never Been True (atmospheric black metal)
  
• Waxwolf - Our Love (progressive death metal)
  
• Windrunner - Tan (progressive metalcore)
  
• ベコー (Bekō / Becko) - 一人ではない (Hitoride wanai / You Are Not Alone) (trap metal)
  
• 吉田達也と武田理沙 (Yoshida Tatsuya to Takeda Risa) - M DTK NIA (free improvisation)
  
• 吉田達也と武田理沙 (Yoshida Tatsuya to Takeda Risa) - Nazabukha (free improvisation)
  
• 吉田達也と武田理沙 (Yoshida Tatsuya to Takeda Risa) - Syndebuk (free improvisation)
  
• 山口浩一と小埜涼子 (Yamaguchi Kōichi to Ono Ryōko) - New Duo, Series 028 (free improvisation)
  
• 武田理沙 (Takeda Risa) - 魔術師の城 (Majutsu-shi no shiro / The Sorcerer's Castle) (ambient electro)
  
• 神吉 (Kami kitchi) - Discover Japon 2022 (avant-prog)
  

Currently working on some research, and would love to look at 2023 or most updated files.

i had a pretty extensive surgery today, and for the past week my partner has expressed how she would support my recovery for the weekend, by encouraging taking ibuprofen, icing the area and what foods to best handle (for example we went over a grocery list together).
i by no means expected her to take long measures as she works, and i am a pretty independent person. she drove me to and from the procedure-which was abt 1.5hrs long, which i made her aware of so she could plan errands or chill time. this is where things get tricky, and im not sure if im being a cranky bitch from the pain, or if this is something i should bring up.
when i was done with the procedure, i texted her to say that she could come pick me up, and after 5 min i recieved no response, so i gave her a quick call bc i figured she could be away from her phone, and there was no response. i waited another 5 min as i figured she could be busy, but still no response so i gave her a quick call again; i didnt want to be pushy, but i was also in pain, tired and wanted to leave the hospital. i decided to distract myself for 10 min with a game on my phone and answer some work emails, and then text her again- no response. it reached 25 min of waiting at this point so i called again and she finally picked up and it turns out her phone wasn't receiving anything, which i understood once i was told the situation. i made it clear to her that im not mad at her, i was just cranky and confused and we got home okay.
after a couple hours we both decided to take a nap, and i had to be sitting up so i took my nap on the couch while she went to the bedroom (which i was okay with, she should be comfortable too). i woke up at 7:45pm, so i woke her up so we could discuss dinner plans like we talked about doing before the nap. i left to go to the bathroom quick, and when i came back she was back asleep and so i figured i would give her a couple more minutes and do the pain management i needed, but at this point i just wanted food and cuddles. around 8pm i go to try and wake her up and she is snoring and wont really wake up to talk about dinner or have our little night time routine of recounting our days and watching a show together. i try to let that go, shes exhausted and worked from 3am-10am, so i go back to the living room. i figured she would wake up after an hour or so, but now its 11:25pm and im crying in pain on the couch because i dont want to wake her up and disturb her, but i also want the comfort that she said she was willing to give.
tldr: im not getting as much care post-op as my partner committed too which is fine but she won't even stay awake to cuddle me. i cant tell if im being a cranky, ungrateful post-op patient and let it go, or if this is something i should bring up and talk to her about.
thoughts?

Finding this subreddit has been so therapeutic and validating for me. I’m 26, married to the love of my life (32M) with the most amazing 5yo stepdaughter.
Reading all of your stories has inspired me to sit down and type out my own. I must warn you, there are times when I am the villain. Buckle up. This is a small novel.
If we start at the very beginning, my DH began dating HCBM (33) when they were very young in their early 20s. Shortly into their relationship it became clear to DH that she was struggling with very severe alcoholism. I cannot even begin to write out all of the stories I have heard from DH about her alcoholism. He was very young, didn’t have a positive model for a healthy relationship as a child. He believed he could help HCBM. They were extremely on and off together for almost 7 years. Every time he’d try to break up with her she would weasel her way back in. She would go as far as showing up at his family events because she had his family wrapped around her finger (don’t worry, that changed. Read on.) She almost drank herself to death several times. The police in her town know her by name and recognize her car because her family has had to call in for welfare checks so many times. She’s had bits where she’s gone missing for several hours. Been listed as a missing person. Had the police ping her phone. I’ve read the police reports myself.
Where do I even begin with her family? Her parents are extremely proud. They own two businesses in their small town. They’re the kind of people who are very obsessed with image and making people think they’re wealthy. HCBM started drinking when she was 16. Her parents would deal with her problem by sweeping it under the rug and hiding it. They cared more about their pride than getting her the help she needed. When they were together, my DH was often the one who would drive her to AA meetings. HCBM didn’t like AA because she felt she was above the other people there. Her family now despises my DH, and weaves a narrative that she drank because of her toxic relationship with him. Though her drinking problems existed long before and after their relationship.
I’ll share a few stores in particular with the goal of establishing the absolute delusion that HCBM feeds to anyone who will listen about my DH.
There was one evening where they were at my DH’s uncle’s house in the city. The thing about HCBM is that you never saw her drink until she was drunk. She’d sneak in a bathroom or what have you to drink. DH and HCBM got into some kind of argument and she ran off into the city late at night. DH spent several hours driving around the city searching for her until he finally found her in a bar, making out with a random guy. He said “you can take her home tonight” and left. Several hours later in the wee hours of the morning, HCBM stumbled back to the uncle’s house, wasted and crying.
Another occasion, DH was at work and HCBM was at his apartment (she did not live there) and went to hang out with his upstairs neighbors who were girls. She got drunk with them. When DH got home, he tried to explain to his neighbors that she had a problem and shouldn’t be drinking…. They said “don’t control her! That’s manipulative”. DH went back downstairs, HCBM followed, and they fought. She ran back to the neighbors crying and the girls stormed down into his apartment saying “What did you do to her? What did you do to her?!”
A different time HCBM was drunk she had locked herself in DH’s roommate’s room. He was trying to explain to her that she needed to come out, that it wasn't his room and she couldn’t be in there. HCBM called DH’s mom (now my MIL) and began wailing “he’s doing it again, he’s being crazy again!” God knows what she was talking about. Eventually DH called HCBM’s dad who came to pick her up. HCBM’s dad dragged her by her arm down the stairs rather roughly, and DH got upset, like “hey I get that she is drunk and being a problem but you can’t manhandle her like that” so HCBM’s dad responded my shoving DH up against a wall and holding his arm to his throat.
Shall I go on? There are dozens more. The worst is yet to come.
Anyways, about four years into their relationship, after multiple incidents of infidelity on her part, DH started chatting with other women sporadically. He says he knew it was wrong, but he thought if he could show himself there were other women out there who could make him happy, other stable relationships he could be in, he might be able to get away from HCBM. It was about five years into their relationship that DH actually cheated. And so begins HCBM’s favorite narrative, that DH was an awful, unsupportive unfaithful partner who drove her to drinking because he was so shady. She will never, ever consider the fact that my DH to this day is traumatized from their relationship. He’s been in therapy several times and every single therapist identifies her as a narcissist.
Several years ago when DH and I met I was in college. We had an on and off fling for a while on the coattails of him trying to end it with HCBM once and for all after over six years stuck in a cycle. I think my DH made poor decisions, dumb even. But I sympathize with the trauma bond he was stuck in with this woman, and how difficult it was for him to cut ties with someone who would go to great lengths to insert herself in his life, and with the pressure of his family saying he should be with her. He cut things off with me and fell back in with HCBM. Lo and behold… HCBM gets pregnant. This may be shocking…. But it was not a good situation to be bringing a baby into. HCBM was 28 at the time. She was (and still is) working for her mom at the business she owns because she had gotten fired from every other job for showing up drunk. A side note, her mom owns a gymnastics center where she is a teacher. My DH has told me about several times her mother would text him to come pick her up because she’d shown up drunk. Her mom would get her out of there and just sub in another instructor to cover her ass. Anyways, DH was terrified. However, DH grew up without a father, so there was no way he wasn’t going to be involved in his child’s life. It is an impossible thing to talk about in hindsight because I love my SD so dearly, she turns mine and DH’s world. But DH told HCBM to terminate initially. And to be fair, he was right. It was not a stable situation to bring a child into. Would I reverse time and change anything? Never in a million years.
As you may have guessed, HCBM decided to keep the baby. She repeatedly told DH that if he left, he would not see his child. DH was stuck and miserable. During her pregnancy, while HDBM was parading about as if they were this cute happy couple, DH began to miss me. He realized he had real feelings for me, and he reached out. I loved him the moment I met him, so I was thrilled. I’ll keep this part concise; DH began cheating on HCBM with me, and I knew. It was an ugly decision on both of our parts. Despite how much I loathe HCBM, she is a person. She did not deserve that. DH and I are both pretty ashamed about our choices back then. I’ll go into detail later about how both DH and I have tried to atone for our actions.
When she was about 7 months pregnant, HCBM caught on and contacted me. Those conversations are forever burned in my mind. She said some of the most disconnected, ridiculous shit I’ve ever seen. She was obsessed with the image she was trying to portray to everyone about her life. I’ll never forget one conversation where we were discussing their daughter’s impending arrival… I had said something along the lines of “do you think it’s wise to bring a child into this situation,” and she said “I have lots of help. I’m old enough.”
“I’m old enough.”
Like she’s a kid trying to convince her parents to let her stay out past midnight.
DH and I broke things off before SD arrived. I was heartbroken, but let’s be real, that was a mess. An entire mess.
Still, HCBM thought it was just a brilliant idea for her and DH to move in together. So her parent’s rented them a house in their small town…. DH kept paying the rent on his apartment the city about 45 minutes away. DH has told me how miserable their relationship was, and HCBM knew all about his affair with me. But like I said, she was desperately trying to create this pretend life for herself.
SD arrives, a day I am so glad to celebrate each year. She is truly the joy of my life. DH cried more than she did. He was instantly in love with his baby girl.
About three weeks later, HCBM is back on the bottle.
DH told me about how he’d come home from work and find her drunk. She’d grab the baby and lock herself in a bedroom and cry. DH feared for his child’s safety.
HCBM was only able to breastfeed for a month or so because she stopped producing milk due to heinous dieting. She was obsessed with getting back to her pre-pregnancy weight. She would eat only miso soup for days on end. This poor relationship to food comes into play later. HCBM’s mother was always over at the house. Cleaning up, buying them things. Contributing to the facade.
DH was severely depressed. He continued to stay with HCBM to monitor her drinking and watch out for his daughter. They got to a point where DH would sleep on the couch. One night DH came home and HCBM was drunk again with SD in her care. DH called her parents who came rushing over to remedy the situation as they always do. Shortly after they arrived, HCBM had slumped over on the couch and became unresponsive. An ambulance was called. DH says it was one of his most traumatic memories holding his baby daughter watching the EMT’s resuscitate her mother wondering how he would raise this girl on his own.
After a hospital stay, HCBM returned home and her parents ordered pizza and put on a movie and pretended as if nothing had happened. That was the routine. When DH expressed his anger, his justifiable concern for what was going on, HCBM’s parents treated him as though he was the problem, he was an asshole for bringing it up and blaming her.
It wasn’t long after this, SD must’ve been around eight months old that HCBM was on a binge and DH returned home from work to find the house empty. He frantically began calling people to locate SD when HCBM’s parents informed him that she was with them, and that HCBM had crawled out a window and was missing. A missing person’s report was filed. HCBM’s father told police to check ditches and park benches, as she could often be found there. She turned out to be at some random man’s house, and was located about 36 hours later.
DH was at the end of his ropes. He took the police report and lawyered up secretly.
Here’s a fun new component to the story, remember how I said that DH had began sleeping on the couch? In said police report, it is documented that DH and HCBM were not in a relationship and were merely roommates. Because that was the situation. Behind the scenes, HCBM had met the man of her dreams. Let’s call him PF….. for psycho fiance. Yes, they’re engaged now. We’ll get to that part. PF randomly messaged HCBM on facebook and they began talking. PF was a recovering alcoholic in his 30s with no driver’s license due to a DUI.
Now, recall when HCBM was missing? Her parents searched through her facebook accounts to try and locate her and found her messages with PF, they explained their daughter’s drinking problem and asked PF if she may be with him. She was not. They had not even met yet. But PF thinks this woman who clearly has severe personal issues is just the cream of the crop. He decides to take her out to lunch. By the end of their lunch date, he is love-bombing the daylights out of her. Calling her his wife, his galaxy, all of this grandiose crap.
Two weeks after they met, PF got HCBM’s name tattooed on him. While DH was trying to sort out a plan of action with his lawyer…. HCBM informs him that he has to move out so that PF can move in because he will soon be without a place to live. She wants to invite this man she’s known for three weeks to live with her and her baby daughter. I’ve seen the message she sent to DH, it reads, “I know it seems fast but I know in my heart that he is so good.” HCBM’s parents are thrilled.
Less than a week after PF had moved in and DH was out, the ex parte motion was filed. DH was granted full emergency custody of SD until a hearing could be held. HCBM did not see SD for nine days… and of course, DH was the villain for this.
At the hearing. DH was awarded majority custody, with HCBM being allowed one overnight a week. PF was not permitted to be present when SD was there for overnights until CPS could investigate.
Now, HCBM’s parents funneled money for lawyers, rent, utilities, basically any adult expense HCBM needs is taken care of by her parents. DH did not have the same luxury. He was working himself to death as a single dad trying to pay for his lawyer while the court battle ensued. Almost two months later, DH contacted me. We hadn’t spoken in close to a year. I was off living my own life almost halfway through college. DH just needed someone to talk to about it, and still had very strong feelings for me. I was a shoulder for him to lean on.
We began hooking up, with no real intention to enter into a relationship. I met SD and would watch her while he was at work. There was an obvious deep love between DH and me, but the circumstances were just so insane. Plus, HCBM despised me, and was weaving stories to the court about how DH was an emotionally abusive partner, a narcissist and the reason for all her drinking.
DH and I did not want the drama of HCBM knowing I was around. Since we were operating under the guise that this was just an indulgence and would end at some point, we kept our interactions a secret.
Then, the universe must’ve thought we were owed some karma for what we did during HCBM’s pregnancy. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age five and have had a prescription for stimulants since a very young age.
One morning I awoke and heard what sounded like tiny wretching from the other room. My medication had spilled out in the bottom of my purse as the safety cap was screwed on crooked. SD was playing on the floor and digging around in my purse. DH noticed her putting something in her mouth, realized it was my medication and immediately ran into the bathroom and began making her puke.
I called poison control who instructed us to bring her to the hospital. She seemed relatively normal, a bit dazed maybe. We called the ER to let them know we’d be arriving. We got there and they stuck charcoal down her throat, drew blood, the whole ordeal.
I brought my medication bottle with me to give to the nurses so they knew what she had ingested and to prove it was a legally obtained prescription. I was frantic and bawling, a nurse comforted me and told me that ingestions are extremely common and we had done the right thing by bringing her in.
SD had an elevated heart rate, was fussy and stressed. She was administered medication to help lower her heart rate and as a result had to be admitted to be monitored. The blood tests came back with extremely minimal amounts of my meds in her system, but it was protocol that she be monitored after the medication was given to regulate her heart. If you’re feeling anxious, I’ll add that SD is perfectly healthy and happy, she fully recovered and did not suffer any seizures or damage to her brain/liver etc. which were the primary concerns with this ingestion.
Since she was being admitted, HD had to inform HCBM. I had told him he should tell her immediately, but he did not want to deal with her reaction or her family arriving. I think this was a poor decision on his part. As flawed a person as she is, I do know that HCBM loves SD very much, and I can sympathize with her wanting to be informed if her daughter was being seen at the hospital.
HCBM and her family arrived, I had left to avoid the fallout and gather some things for DH to drop off while he stayed at the hospital with SD. Naturally, HCBM was in a blind rage that she had not been contacted immediately. She demanded that the CPS worker who was mandated to check in because of the ingestion file a report of negligence. The CPS worker declined, saying that there was no negligence to report. That evening, security was called to remove HCBM from the hospital because she was screaming at DH in the pediatric wing. She was told she could return on her custody day.
I went to visit DH and SD the next day, she was back to her old self and able to go home. We were nowhere near prepared for what was about to ensue.
HCBM had weaved a story that I was addicted to drugs, and that whatever I was doing had to have been in a plastic bag in my purse or how else would SD have gotten into it? HCBM and her lawyer filed an ex parte motion. Now I’m sure most of you are familiar with the workings of family court, but for those of you who aren’t; and ex parte motion is an emergency motion. It is a piece of paper laid in front of a judge. The details can be as vague or exaggerated as the writer pleases them to be, and it is not until a hearing is scheduled can anything be disputed.
HCBM and her lawyer claimed that SD had ‘overdosed’ on stimulant drugs and conveniently failed to mention that they were a legal prescription. More than that, ‘overdose’ was a completely sensationalized description of what had occurred, and not a term used at all by any of the medical professionals nor was it included anywhere in her chart of the incident. SD never lost consciousness. There was never a point where doctors were in fear for her life. But the judge sees what is put before them and signs off with the limited information they are given.
When HD filed an ex parte motion against HCBM, the hearing was scheduled for nine days later. When HCBM filed an ex parte motion against DH, the hearing was scheduled over two months later.
This was the worst time period in DH’s life. He attempted suicide. He lost an insane amount of weight. He sold beloved possessions to pay his lawyer. He did not have custody of his daughter and HCBM allowed him rare visits in public places once or twice a week.
But ah, how the tables turn.
A month before the hearing on the ex parte motion, HCBM got a DUI with SD in the car. Her driving was so ballistic, someone had called in her car. She was arrested. I could go into detail about the bullshit-ery of her and her family I read in the police report from that, but there is still so much ground to cover.
CPS notified DH of the DUI. HCBM and her lawyer told DH’s lawyer they wanted to settle custody outside of court before the ex parte hearing.
DH was exhausted. He was broke. He just wanted his daughter back. He settled with HCBM on 50/50 custody. This is perhaps the greatest regret of his life. The GAL at the meeting even told DH he didn’t have to do this, that he could fight her and probably get more custody. But DH was a shell of a person at this point. He was in debt. He was exhausted.
Mere days after they settled he checked himself into an inpatient mental health facility for treatment. He and I were in touch every once in a while throughout that entire time, but had ended our romantic relations after the ex parte was filed. I was more of a confidant and friend, but he had drifted apart from everyone in his life and I was focused on school.
The day that DH left inpatient, PF messaged him to tell him that HCBM had slipped up and drank again. Saying, “she just has such a big heart, this is so difficult for her.” DH suspects that she had gotten herself into another nearly lethal situation or gone missing and PF was hoping to do damage control by contacting him rather than him finding out another way.
So 50/50 custody it was. Nine months later, HCBM gave birth to her and PF’s son. I’m not sure of any exact dates but judging by the date of that message and the birth of the baby there is a high change HCBM was drinking while unknowingly pregnant.
For the DUI, HCBM was sentenced to 40 days in jail while pregnant with her son. It was a work release program. Since she worked for her mom, she worked as many hours as she possibly could. Her mom would pick her up from prison with her phone and her makeup so she could hide what was going on from her coworkers and the community. DH would bring SD to the gymnastics center to visit her. She had an IED put into her car when she was released, meaning she had to blow into a breathalyzer to get her car to start.
DH and I would check in every once in a while over the course of the next year. We both dated other people. HCBM of course had issues with DH’s girlfriend he was with for a few months. But things had relatively settled save for the tension and resentment between HCBM and DH.
More than a year had passed since everything transpired and since DH and I were last romantically involved. We began talking more frequently during COVID lockdown and DH admitted he was hopelessly in love with me and wanted to be together. We had a major problem though.
When HCBM and DH were settling on their custody agreement, HCBM insisted I was not to be around SD. If you recall, HD was broke, exhausted, and severely struggling with his mental health. He and I hadn’t seen each other in person in several months, we talked but very infrequently and never of rekindling our relationship in any capacity. So he gave in. As long as he could be done with the nightmare and have his daughter back.
A single sentence in a five-page custody agreement meant that I couldn’t be around SD. I want to specify, this was not a restraining order. I was never served any papers, I would not be punished in any capacity were I to see SD, there was no court record of any kind indicating that I was restricted from seeing a child or was a dangerous individual. DH wouldn’t even lose custody or face any legal ramifications were he to violate that single sentence, it would just mean an official would have to intervene to investigate and ensure the stipulation be adhered to. Still, it would’ve prevented us from having any sort of real relationship. So we filed a motion to have the line removed. I had not seen SD in well over a year and we abided by the order which was exceedingly painful.
The first hearing was before a court commissioner. We came armed with letters of recommendation from friends and family, from the families I had nannied for during college. DH’s family had finally seen the light and turned against HCBM and attended the court hearing, filing the seats.
The court commissioner spent about ten minutes reviewing our plea, and decided this was not a matter of my character or whether I was a threat to SD, but that this was a communication issue between DH and HCBM, and since DH had agreed to this, they needed to work it out between the two of them.
Ha. Like that would ever happen. DH and HCBM began communicating through a court monitored app and attending co parenting counseling while our lawyer filed a motion to bring the issue before a judge and have a GAL and Family Court Worker appointed. As we all know with family court, things move slowly and this we had to wait months to make progress on our case.
Co parenting counseling was fruitless. HCBM is not capable of accountability. She insisted DH was a narcissist because she’d read about narcissism on the internet and she believed she deserved full custody of SD.
A judge appointed a GAL and Family Court Worker to our case. I’ll never forget the relief that day as the judge told HCBM that me being in SD’s life was inevitable at this point. There was no evidence that I was a dangerous person. At one point, our lawyer brought up the language used in HCBM’s ex parte motion all that time ago, pointing out the sensational language used, specifically the term “overdose”. I was shaking when HCBM’s lawyer admitted to the judge that “there was no overdose.” I’ll never forget the sheepish look on that lawyer’s face, or how HCBM’s jaw tightened as she refused to look even a millimeter in my direction.
Everyone met with the GAL and Family Court Worker. Of course HCBM got the earliest appointment possible so she could try to sell her story. When I sat down with the GAL he said “I don’t know why you’re here, to be honest.” But that’s the ridiculous thing about family court, people can just spew this insane shit and it has to be looked into.
Both the GAL and Family Court Worker recommended the line be removed entirely. We still had to wait another month for our hearing for these recommendations to be made to the judge. Over the course of these proceedings, DH and his lawyer (with my consent) had been urging HCBM to attend a co parenting counseling session with me to address her concerns. HCBM of course vehemently refused, actually speaking to me would destroy the picture she had painted and deluded herself into believing about me.
We continued to press the issue though. After the GAL and Family Court Worker’s recommendations were passed on to everyone’s lawyers, it was clear this was not going to go in HCBM’s favor. It could’ve easily been settled outside of court, saved everyone time and money. But that was never going to happen, HCBM was going to go down swinging. Less than two weeks from our final hearing before the judge, HCBM agreed to attend co parenting counseling with me. Both parties signed NDA’s before going into these sessions, they were meant to be mediation for parents to work out their issues and not dig up fodder to toss around in court. A safe place, if you will. DH and I suspected she’d want to attend a session with me so she could fabricate some story about me being awful, or make it seem like she was being reasonable since she’d refused any and all attempts to mediate this issue civilly.
We were correct, but her feeble attempts at control were fruitless and the line was removed. I could see my girl again. Since then, DH and I got married and have been in absolute bliss as a family of three. But of course, the mess with HCBM does not stop there.
DH and I have no idea it HCBM has been drinking or not. We have no proof. She claims she got sober, but she never received any professional help or rehab so that seems doubtful to me. There are a few red flags. She now shares a car with her mother, claiming her car has “been in the shop” for well over a year now. DH explained that when she would go on drinking binges, her parents would take her car away so they could control where she went and monitor her.
We’ve also had the issue of SD not wanting to go to her mom’s house. I have ring video footage of HCBM coming to pick up SD. SD was in hysterics, she ran back in our house several times while HCBM stands annoyed in the driveway. DH sits with her and consoles her, encouraging her and telling her she will have so much fun with her mom and brother. On this particular occasion, it took 45 minutes to get SD to go with her mom. This happened numerous times. DH eventually brought this up to HCBM, expressing his concerns and saying that he wished she would participate in co-parenting their daughter in these situations rather than hiding behind her car. HCBM dismissed him, saying she was a great parent and he was obviously making SD act this way. Give SD an oscar at this point. I can’t even fathom what DH would say to make a five year old act that way.
Eventually, HCBM stopped picking SD up and instead sent her mom to get her. SD has no issue going with her grandmother. A bit suspicious to me that it was specifically her mom that caused such an upset for her.
HCBM is very obsessed with image. She dresses SD in expensive outfits with intricate hairstyles. I should add, expensive outfits that are purchased for her by HCBM’s mother. She has told DH that she is not pleased with how he sends SD to school and has concerns about his ability to parent. He sends her… a 5 year old… to school in leggings and t-shirts like the rest of the 5 year olds in her class. Don’t get me wrong, I love to dress SD up when she’ll let me and I have indulged in Rylee and Cru outfits and what not, but the majority of the time SD wears normal kid clothes. She runs and jumps and plays and likes pink and sparkles and tops with her favorite characters on them. We let her pick her crazy mismatched outfits and throw her hair up in a quick bun or braid so it is out of her face. She bathes almost excessively because she loves the bath and is a very well looked after child.
Now, HCBM lost a significant amount of weight after she got together with PF. Her mother is also extremely thin. DH has told me about how they were always doing fad diets, they’d call themselves fat and critique their appearances constantly and clearly did not have a healthy relationship to their bodies or food.
At our home, SD is fed a balanced diet but I try to encourage a positive relationship to her body and food. No food is “good” or “bad,” they simply serve different purposes. For example, carbs give us energy, protein helps us grow, sugar makes us happy, etc. Creating guilt around eating certain types of food can lead to eating disorders, body image issues, I know because I had a poor relationship to food and my body for so long. SD loves fruits and veggies. She also loves chips and candy. She is allowed to indulge in sugar within reason and without guilt. I don’t think it's rocket science, and for us it has had fantastic results. We'll be at a gas station and ask SD if she wants a snack and the kid will want celery. I follow the instagram page “kids eat in color” very closely and when we prepare SD’s meals, the “treat” component is served together with the rest and not withheld until later. This is so SD doesn’t view certain foods as special or more desirable than others, and won’t associate treat foods with this rush of excitement and overwhelming positivity moreso than say chicken nuggets or carrots. When DH sets down her plate to eat, SD rarely if ever reaches for her treat food first. She eats everything on her plate until her body tells her she’s full.
HCBM constantly berates DH about SD eating “healthy.” She criticizes him for getting candy at the movies. Goes off about her having a cup of sugar-free pudding at 11 a.m. On Halloween, SD is allowed two pieces of candy from her trick or treat pile at her mom’s house.
Last Halloween at our house, we dumped all of our candy out in a huge pile and watched a movie. SD ate, I kid you not, four pieces of candy. She didn’t feel the need to binge on all this candy because she knew it wouldn’t be withheld if she asked for more in our home. There is still halloween candy in a bucket in our pantry and we weren’t even out trick or treating for an hour.
HCBM accuses us of “competing” with her. This. Is. Rich. SD loves visiting my parent’s and sometime last fall took a liking to playing my dad’s drumset. Later that week, HCBM bought her a kid-sized drumset. We adopted a kitten, HCBM adopted a kitten. We started playing barbies as a family, HCBM buys a barbie dreamhouse. We planned a weekend trip to a big city a few hours away, HCBM and PF take SD and their son to that city the week before we’re supposed to go. My husband is a Dungeons and Dragons fanatic, and recently he has been making kid friendly campaigns for the three of us to play as a family. SD loves playing dungeons and dragons with her daddy. It has become our family’s thing. The dungeons and dragons movie came out recently and DH and I got tickets for an early screening on a day we didn’t have SD. Who do you think we saw there while we were waiting in line to get popcorn? Their family does not play dungeons and dragons. You’ll be pleased to know that SD came down to sit with us for the last half hour of the movie, PF who had taken her had to give in because they were seated a row behind us and she kept leaning forward to excitedly whisper to DH about the movie.
I have suffered extreme emotional issues due to the abuse from HCBM. I’ve attended therapy specifically to address it. I developed severe social anxiety because HCBM will tell anyone who listens these fictions about me and DH. We live in a small community, one that HCBM and her family have been a part of for a long time and I am constantly afraid people I meet will know them and have these crazy ideas about who I am as a person. The flipside of this is that their family’s reputation is not as positive as they like to think it is, particularly to police in the area. In addition to HCBM’s drunk escapades involving police, her father has a court record pages long for tax fraud.
Thankfully, I work in the city 30 minutes from where we live and that has allowed me to build my own village and have a life untainted by HCBM and her crap. Through lots of work I have been able to establish firm boundaries. I’ve had to restrict HCBM and her friends from my social media accounts after being watched obsessively. HCBM’s mother even went as far as messaging my mother on Facebook to try and say DH is a narcissist and she should be concerned for me. DH and my mom are very close, and my mom was mainly worried about how far these people were going to go to untether my life.
HCBM doesn’t seem to understand the concept of equal guardianship. She views herself as the primary parent and believes she should have access to everything in our lives. This is legally not the case so luckily we’re just able to ignore those demands but it gets taxing.
HCBM’s parents pay for SD’s health insurance so HCBM makes all of her doctor and dentist appointments and acts as though that’s because DH is an uninvolved parent, despite the fact that he has asked to make appointments on his custody days so he could go. I have excellent benefits at my job and could take SD on as a dependent since she resides with us 50% of the time. We haven’t even proposed this idea to HCBM because god knows she would never agree despite the fact that this would probably save her parents a ton of money.
HCBM has SD involved in several activities on her custody days. A bit too many for a five year old in my opinion. Multiple gymnastics and dance classes and soccer. Since HCBM’s parents are always funneling her money and paying her bills they are constantly going out to do expensive activities, weekend trips, shows, you name it. HCBM thinks these things make her a good parent, but I personally don’t think that SD feels as emotionally attached to HCBM as she does DH. DH and I spend a ton of one on one time with SD. We play with her with her toys, we do crafts, we watch movies together. HCBM thinks dropping her off at some expensive activity makes her this stellar mom, but she doesn’t engage in the same level of connection with SD that DH does. HCBM’s parents of course bought them a trip to Disney World last year, and the day they came to pick up SD to leave for the airport she did not want to go. She began crying and insisting she wanted her dad to take her, and that she would miss him too much. What five year old objects to effing Disney World??
We have issues on the horizon with SD attending kindergarten next year. I know a battle will ensue about where she attends. The custody schedule does not give us any weekend time because when it was written, SD was one and DH was working weekends and the days they agreed on coincided with his schedule. This means that when SD attends school in the fall five days a week, we will not get a full day together as a family. DH and I are very nervous about addressing this. We don’t have any desire to change the 50/50 custody, just to adjust the days so that we can have some weekend time with SD. It is likely this issue will end up in court and cost us thousands.
I have had to come to the hard acceptance that this is just how our relationship with HCBM will be, likely forever. I hold on to selfish hope that she may screw up drinking again, but at the end of the day I want what is best for SD which is a healthy and stable mother and I will do whatever I can to encourage a positive relationship for them. At this point we have no proof of her drinking for the past few years. Either she miraculously stopped or her family’s response is just so calculated to protect her from getting into any shit and jeopardizing her custody. If that is the case, that can only go on for so long before SD is old enough to tell us what is happening.
I think that HCBM is deeply insecure and ashamed. I think she needs to make DH and I the villains so she feels better about herself. I think her upbringing has allowed her to shirk any and all accountability, she is surrounded by people who tell her she’s never wrong and she’s this great person and great parent.
I don’t know what the resolution is here. If you have read this far, thank you sincerely. Though I confide in my mom and friends about the situation with HCBM, I keep my venting to a minimum so as not to let her live rent free in my life. I am not going to spend all this energy being pissed at her and her immaturity. I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of getting on my nerves, being the subject of my conversations. I’m not even going to let her think I care enough to trash her to people. But it feels extremely therapeutic to get this all out to a group of people who understand.

Reason for this post: I'll been a forever Dm for 10+ years now running three games currently (two inclusive lgbtq+ game & kid's game i run i at my childrens hospital) a week. I want to be a player again an explore other peoples creative visions of their homebrew worlds or even some set in any dnd settings. I m feeling during this pandemic am edging close to dm burn out an need to search for a game i can re energize myself by being a player.
We are looking for a possible game on: MON,WED,FRI 1-6 pm
Not interested in Paid games or west march servers
a bit about me : I'm Brandon he/him 37 grey ace . I'm peds ortho : robotic prosthetic specialist is given my career path. I was taught dnd at age 5 by my mother as a coping mechanism going thru a chemo at the time as a escapism an they build me a deep dive dungeon of my body an killed my cancer cells. (heart warming i know). I have been hooked ever since, but do play any other system i can get my hands on. I feel am pretty creative with my mind an given my exp in dming/larping for so long. I can give any table a great co-operative player that can think on their feet an has been around enough to know how to boost/assist the other players around them an know when to give the others the spotlight. I'm here for the story an am big on lore so if i get a chance i will try to explore every plot hook to the fullest. I m a patient an supportive person in rl an in game. I am here to have fun. I do enjoy those nat 1 dice gods have spoken great moments. I m totally fine making any character the party needs. I m here to raise up the group an hopefully gain some friends in the end. I also have a friend Ravn 30 they/them that is looking to be a player as well. They have been dming their own homebrew world an working on publishing theirs soon and was looking a game to distress an have fun. Ravn is the type of player that will give you all the backstory you will ever need to sink your dm teeth into and always there to give encouragement.
Please reply here before sending a pm. I only ask due to reddit is not the best with notifications
​
We are players that go by these statements
Teamwork.

• We enjoy working in a team to overcome dizzying odds.
• We want to and try to include everyone in the RP.
• We enjoy it when other characters get their moment to shine.

Roleplay.

• We try to create realistic characters that interact with the world appropriately.
• We treat the NPCs like they’re more than just quest-givers; like real people living in that world.
• We consider the DM to be a player at the table.

Respect.

• We are not scared of rules.
• We don't take RP consequences personally.
• We understand that dying may be a consequence of our actions.
• We treat other players and the DM with respect.
• We take the DM’s time and the other players’ time seriously and show up ready and on time for sessions.

​
Brandon (he/him ,Grey Ace )

Hi everybody! I posted a similar post about a month ago but that was more so in regard to my ECs. As I'm currently in limbo and trying to plan for the future, I wanted to post a "Chance Me" to see what this subreddit thought about my chances.
Backstory: Current Ivy student (Brown/Columbia/Penn) who is applying after a traumatic SA experience this past fall semester. No hooks, also requiring some financial aid. Am currently a junior, and am only applying due to my SA experience. In my Personal Statement/Why Transfer essay, I did honestly and transparently explain my reason but made sure to focus on why I believed _____ school was a good fit for me in other supplements. I recognize that I'd have to redo my junior year, but as I sit here typing in my dorm, I can't imagine returning here after what I've gone through.
College GPA: 4.0/4.0
HS GPA: 3.99/4.0
SAT: 1550
Demographics: Asian Female (from Malaysia), applying for financial aid (partial)
Major: Psychology, Sociology
Recs: Should be all 10/10 as I'm very close with all the profs I asked, had 3 professor recs and 1 peer rec
Honors: Numerous Honor Roll awards at current Ivy, Cello National Awards from HS, 3x State Champion in high school competitive club (think DECA/BPA/FBLA/FFA/HOSA/FCCLA), 2x International Finalist (Top 10) in high school competitive club (think DECA/BPA/FBLA/FFA/HOSA/FCCLA), Special Recognition from college professor for Special Achievement in Psychology
College ECs:

1. Internship at a reputable strategy consulting firm
2. Founder of early-stage education nonprofit
3. Research scholar in a prestigious program at school (neuroscience-focused)
4. Research assistant in the energy department at my school (focused on psychology of energy usage)
5. Executive leader of political consulting firm (oversaw congressional/gubernatorial campaigns, including some currently elected officials)
6. Membership chair in sorority

ECs started in High School, still active in College:

1. Musician/Composer (won national-level awards in high school and releasing music on Apple Music/Spotify soon)
2. Independent Creative Writer (written and published over 300k words online with over 40k reads and over 500 reviews)
3. Academic/Cello Tutor (paying for college through self-employed tutoring business, 98 students in past 5 years)

High School ECs (at least the ones mentioned in my apps):

1. Varsity Swimming Captain (also school record holder)
2. President of 103-member Competitive Club (think DECA/BPA/FBLA/FFA/HOSA/FCCLA)
3. President of 84-member Competitive Club (think DECA/BPA/FBLA/FFA/HOSA/FCCLA)
4. Founder of a student-run nonprofit organization (raised thousands of dollars, think 5 figures, for underprivileged Diabetes patients who can't afford treatment on their own and research)
5. Internship at a reputable biotech company (studied systems health and researched social/psychological impact of certain diseases on patients/loved ones)
6. Volunteer at a hospital in Malaysia for a summer (my family is from there)

Colleges Applied To: All Ivies besides Princeton (and my current one ofc), Duke, Northwestern, Stanford, I also haven't applied yet but think I'll shoot my shot at UChicago since it's rolling (I recognize it's on the late end now).
I know some people thought I could get into these schools after seeing my ECs before, but am curious if after hearing my story (read: current junioSA victim) they believe it's a longer shot now. I recognize that all of these schools are so so hard to get into but I'm just so desperate to leave. Unfortunately, my parents told me they don't want me "transferring down" which to them is everything besides these schools, and I need their financial support.

She fell and hit the back of her head at work and drove herself to the hospital. I didn't know about any of this until much later when she called me. They cleared her to go home and gave her some Tylenol but jackson memorial is a notoriously shitty hospital and I don't trust that she's going to be alright.
My mom is in her late 50s and that's why I'm so scared. Just because she feels fine now doesn't mean everything is okay.
Has anyone dealt with something like this? What sort of signs should I look out for that indicates that something is wrong?
I don't know what to do.
I would've gone to get her but she was already leaving by the time she called me and she didn't want me to come to the hospital.

Hello fantasy,
I debated whether it was worth posting my card this year, especially since I didn’t do any cool theme like some of you! My challenge was to try to find books I actually liked, and I’m a tough customer, so ideally nothing below 3 stars, and only books I didn't mind boosting.
I only mostly made it, and there are a few books on here I’d have liked to replace, but toward the end the replacement books were getting lower ratings than the originals, until I accepted it was time to take a break. Nevertheless, it’s always fun to do bingo and I did get some great books on the card. I read 10 eligible books this year that did not make it onto the card (not counting sequels of books that are included, as I continued 2 series), and all of the books left off earned 3 stars or fewer, mostly fewer. So my favorites of the year are all represented.
Sadly I can’t seem to get the enlarged cover images to make a visual card and I am tired, so no pretty image to share, just reviews!

The Fabulous (4.5 stars)

How to Be Eaten by Maria Adelmann: Five fairy tale survivors come together in a dodgy support group in modern New York. This novel is weird and different, and very funny, with pitch-perfect dialogue and vibrant, memorable characters. It also does a great job of exploring feminism, trauma and economic inequality, and the ways all three of these are inextricably linked.
The Square: Mental Health (HM): I liked this square a lot, and while several of this year’s books fit, the one with the frame story about a trauma support group seemed particularly apropos!
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Elder Race by Adrian Tchaikovsky: Fantasy from one perspective, science fiction from another, privileging neither; worldviews are durable and neither is really more true than the other. This is a fabulously inventive and plain cool novella, with strong writing and enough depth to be memorable. The chapter with side-by-side columns featuring the two protagonists’ very different interpretations of an origin myth is an especially nice touch.
The Square: Book Club (HM): Self-explanatory. This one was especially popular in the Hugo readalong and generated some great discussion.
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The Drowning Girl by Caitlin Kiernan: Maybe fantasy, maybe not: a woman with schizophrenia writes about some weird and troubling experiences in an attempt to parse what’s really happened to her. A weird, wonderfully-written novel with a completely believable voice, and a deep sympathy for its protagonist’s mental illness; this one never feels exploitative or shallow. Particularly impressive is the chapter written when the character is off her meds. I liked the two embedded short stories, purportedly written by the lead, a bit less, but they certainly show the author’s range.
The Square: LGBTQ List (HM): I lucked out with this one, not having realized it was on the list until after reading it with a book club. I would have preferred an own voices aspect to the prompt, and this book meets that requirement as author is trans. As far as LGBT elements in the book, the protagonist is a lesbian and her girlfriend is a trans woman.
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Murderbot by Martha Wells: I read all six of these books this year and love the series even more as a whole, which is rare for me. Murderbot is a fabulous lead, with a strong voice, extremely relatable (it judges everyone for being incompetent, and just wants to chill and watch media), and a great arc (learning to trust and care about people, despite being socially incompetent). The plots are a lot of fun, although more mystery/thriller than I usually care for, and feel well thought-through, and I appreciate the critique of corporatocracy running throughout. Wells’s ability to create great secondary characters just by showing us what they say and do, without any emotional intelligence on her narrator’s part, is something other authors should study. I’m here for as many books in this series as she wants to write and am very glad I gave her another chance after a bad experience with one of her fantasies—and I don’t even like sci-fi!
The Square: Set in Space (HM): The first book is set on a planet, albeit an uninhabited one. But most of the rest of the series is set on ships and space stations.

The Very Good (4 stars)

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke: Lovely, atmospheric and propulsive—I had a lot of fun figuring out what was happening here. Piranesi has a strong individual voice and I love his genuine kindness and compassion. This isn’t the perspective you would expect this story to be told from and it’s better for it. Clarke is also just an excellent writer, a strong prose stylist and a confident storyteller willing to leave some questions unanswered.
The Square: Standalone (HM): A bit of a cheat on the hard mode since I’m confident it’s only not on the list because it wasn’t published yet!
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The Bone Orchard by Sara Mueller: A dark, political standalone fantasy in a quasi-Victorian setting, featuring a woman who has suffered so much trauma that she deals with it by offloading portions of her personality and memories into other bodies. This one is well-written and different, set in an interesting world where psychic powers come with terrible costs. The beginning takes some attention to piece together what’s going on and I might have liked a little more from the end, but overall a worthwhile read.
The Square: Published in 2022 (HM): An impressive debut and I definitely want to see where this author’s imagination goes next.
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The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik: I’m a huge fan of this series: the first book got a very rare 5 stars from me, the second 4.5; this one is a little lower but I still love the trilogy as a whole. I wish this had been a little less frantically plot-driven and allowed the characters a little more room to breathe, but it’s a fabulous plot with some incredible twists and reveals, a lot of current relevance, and as always, a great protagonist in the snarky but heroic El.
The Square: Urban Fantasy (HM): Not your typical urban fantasy but I think this one definitely qualifies, as it’s set in the real world and in fact mostly in cities!
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The Tombs of Atuan by Ursula K. Le Guin: Le Guin is a fabulous writer, and this book develops quite a deep story in a short page count, of a girl raised to be a powerful priestess who comes to question the order of things. I love the anthropological knowledge that forms the basis of her worldbuilding, and her writing is vivid and the characters feel real. Le Guin has also written about her struggles writing women as heroes, and I definitely see that in the end, where the character ending she meant as triumphant came across to me as disappointing. I wanted Tenar to take hold of her newfound authority with both hands and make the priestly compound, and perhaps her country, a better place. Instead she ends the book as a teenage refugee dependent on Ged, finding freedom only by giving up her power.
The Square: Cool Weapon: I didn’t vibe with this square so hoped something would turn up, and as Ged has a magical staff that he can also fight with, I think this technically qualifies. Sometimes technically correct is the best kind of correct.
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Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones: Delightfully whimsical, sweet, and fun, this is a fairy-tale-esque story of a girl cursed into the form of an old woman, and the motley crew she falls in with, all of them living in a decidedly strange castle. I think this is really more an all-ages book than a middle-grade one; Jones’s philosophy was that kids were better at complicated plots than adults are, and that’s borne out here. I could have done without the sudden romance turn at the end.
The Square: Name in the Title: Self-explanatory.
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Daughter of Mystery by Heather Rose Jones: A lighthearted, fun book, this is a quasi-period novel set in an invented European country, featuring a romance between a young woman of the gentry who comes into money and uses it to study magic at university, and the guardswoman/duelist she inherits from her godfather. Both leads are sympathetic, the plot enjoyable, and the magic based on prayers to saints is fun. Not especially memorable but I think I’ll read the sequel (featuring a new couple) for next year’s bingo.
The Square: Small Press or Self-Published: This one is small press rather than self-published; Bella Books focuses on publishing lesbian lit.

The Good (3.5 stars)

The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey: A delicious psychological thriller, in which the biggest source of tension is the question of just how far our morally compromised protagonist will go. Strong writing, an unreliable narrator, and a weird cloning scenario set this one up as an intense read. Some character decisions seem a bit unlikely, but overall this one was definitely worthwhile.
The Square: Anti-Hero: I don’t love the way women labeled anti-heroes are so often just traumatized people being human, but Evelyn is pretty far gone. One might reasonably question whether there’s any “hero” in her at all, but she’s a compelling lead.
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The Keeper’s Six by Kate Elliott: A fun portal fantasy featuring a badass older woman and her posse setting out to rescue her adult son, who was kidnapped by a dragon. I really enjoy and respect Elliott’s work—she thinks through her worlds and characters deeply, and her progressivism is genuine, longstanding and interacts intelligently with her very well-developed worlds. These days I’m not that into quests and adventure plots, which is likely why I didn’t enjoy this one more.
The Square: Revolutions and Rebellions: In line with the progressive ethos, Esther works to oppose slavery and help workers claim their rights everywhere she goes—there’s definitely some rebelling against the status quo going on here.
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The Just City by Jo Walton: This one is hard to encapsulate in a mini-review. Time-traveling Greek gods Athena and Apollo bring together philosophers from throughout the ages to found Plato’s Republic in the Bronze Age, as an experiment. The book is a fun way to learn about Plato's Republic, and the characters’ philosophical discussions and sincere pursuit of excellence are great fun. I think Walton is better at writing about positive experiences than negative ones—her portrayals of grief and trauma have always fallen flat for me and do so again here, and some of her character voices are stronger than others, while the climactic debate seemed amateur. But despite the criticism, this one left me with a lot to think about, and I went on to finish the trilogy—the second is a slight step down but worth reading if you liked the first (unfortunately it’s hard to stop as they all end on cliffhangers), but the third is just a nosedive, WTF did she think that absurd plotline belonged in this trilogy when there were so many meatier things to explore? The trilogy as a whole I wouldn’t rate above 3 stars, but the first book gets 3.5. Somehow I never love Walton's books, but they're all so unique I keep coming back anyway.
The Square: Award Nominee (HM): Self-explanatory.
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Vagabonds! by Eloghosa Osunde: Urban fantasy or perhaps magical realism, set in Lagos and exploring issues in contemporary Nigerian society. This one is vibrant, distinctive and messy, making no apologies for its Nigerian English and not catering to the foreign reader. It’s more short story collection than novel, and I found the first half intense and heavy but very well-written, as it explores themes of life, death, and finding meaning. The second half seems more focused on telling stories of queer Nigerians for queer Nigerians who haven’t seen much of themselves in fiction, but may do less for the reader for whom it’s not personal.
The Square: Set in Africa (HM): One of only a couple squares my natural reading didn’t fill. I checked out 5 interesting-sounding books from the library, previewed them all, and this was the winner, which I was glad of because I wanted to read an African author and not just someone of African descent. The runner-up, Redemption in Indigo, seemed strong enough that I might read it for a future bingo.
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Kalpa Imperial by Angelica Gorodischer: A thoughtful, literary collection of short stories set at various points in the history of an imagined empire; it reminds me a bit of Chinese history in its cyclical rising and falling. It’s no wonder Le Guin was a fan, as this is a thematically rich work, dealing with big ideas about history and power and the individual’s role in all this. Plot and character are not the focus, and I expected the stories to tie together more than they do, but they leave the reader something to think about as Gorodischer does not spell things out.
The Square: No Ifs Ands or Buts: This year’s easiest square, and I gave up hard mode, but I wanted to fit this book on my card somehow, okay?

The Okay (3 stars)

Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel: Enjoyable but not particularly memorable, this is a retelling of the Ramayana from the perspective of Rama’s antagonistic stepmother. It takes the well-worn route of making her near-perfect and Rama in the wrong, which has generated some interesting discussions about its portrayal of Hinduism. Unfortunately, it’s told in a generic first-person voice that makes Kaikeyi herself into a generic idealized protagonist. Despite that, I really enjoyed its focus on her relationships with family and friends, particularly the other women in her life, and the flow of the book appealed to me, with our lead mostly finding success and happiness in life. If you enjoyed Circe, but want to see better feminism and could do without the sex and romance, you should definitely try this.
The Square: Family Matters (HM): I love this book for this square because the book is primarily about family relationships of various sorts. And its three-generational cast places our heroine in the middle generation rather than the youngest one, which is nice.
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In an Absent Dream by Seanan McGuire: The only novella in this series that I’ve read, and I loved it right up until the end. Our heroine has to choose between a portal world and our world, and passes back and forth repeatedly as she grows up and her decision gets harder and harder. I loved the deep but understated emotion, the relationships between the heroine and her families both biological and found, the fact that both her mentor and her best friend are also women/girls and these relationships have a lot of depth and emotion to them, and the sheer reasonableness of this initially bizarre world and its rules. The tragic ending basically destroys all that though, as to make it happen a major character acts against common sense, her own established wishes and motivations, and the rules of the world, all in one ridiculously contrived swoop. It seems like the author knew what ending she had to come to based on this protagonist's appearance in an already-published book, and so had to force a story that had grown in a different direction into that mold. This is the second McGuire book I’ve read, and likely the last, as my enjoyment of both books was severely impaired by elements that seemed really poorly thought-through.
The Square: Shapeshifters (HM): A cool feature of the world is that takers slowly begin to grow feathers, and ultimately turn into birds if they don’t change their ways (it’s okay though, they can become human again by giving back to the community).
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The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri: This was pretty mid for me, despite elements I like in theory: the South Asian inspired world, the three major women characters who play important roles in each other’s stories. I don’t really do epic fantasy anymore (what you don’t see on this card are all the others that I DNF’d early), but my enjoyment was probably also held back by having previously read Suri’s Books of Ambha, which I enjoyed much more. I’m starting to feel as if she creates all of her major women characters by starting with the same “strong woman” template and changing up the particular life experiences—also, you really have to emotionally connect to get much out of Suri's books and I wasn’t quite there with this one.
The Square: Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey (HM): There’s a forest where time passes at a different rate. Not a huge element but it is there!
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At the Mouth of the River of Bees by Kij Johnson: Quite a varied short story collection, from fantasy to science fiction to magic realism. There were stories in here that I loved—particularly the first, “26 Monkeys, Also the Abyss,” about troubled people finding their way back into the world through a circus act. There were stories I hated, like “Dia Chjerman’s Tale,” an incredibly dark and upsetting tale of the brutal destruction of a planet. So it’s hard to recommend as a collection, though I absolutely recommend all of Johnson’s novels, particularly The Dream-Quest of Vellitt Boe, closely followed by Fudoki. Oddly enough, the story that grew into Fudoki is here and I liked it less as a short story; the collection also includes the story that grew into my least favorite of her novels, The Fox Woman—and I liked that one much more.
The Square: Five Short Stories (HM): Self-explanatory.
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Nettle & Bone by T. Kingfisher: Cute but forgettable to me. A princess-turned-nun gathers a motley band to go on a quest to rescue her sister from an abusive husband who is also a king. I wanted a little more from both the world and the characters—Marra is nominally 30 but has a pretty standard coming-of-age story, which seems like a waste of an adult heroine, and the supporting cast is in theory cool but didn’t do much for me. Someone likened them to Pratchett characters and I think there’s some truth to that, so if you get more emotionally invested in his characters than I do (read: at all) you might also like this more.
The Square: Author Uses Initials (HM): Self-explanatory.
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The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin: A very well-written novel; that opening is breathtaking in its sheer confidence and power. And there’s some definite character depth here. I can see why this is popular and award-winning. But I never connected with the characters, and it proved too dark a book for me to enjoy—expect horrific violence against children. Also, those themes? Yeah, I’m tired of fantasy novels that like to pretend power is irrelevant to human power relations. This setup—mages with horrifically dangerous and violent powers are hated and feared by the populace because of those powers, and use the fact that people "wrongly" hate and fear them to justify ever more violence against average citizens who can never hope to match their power—this makes a great analogy for America’s police and how they see themselves. Unfortunately the book transparently intends it as an analogy for actual oppressed people, particularly African-Americans, where it works much less well.
The Square: Weird Ecology (HM): A world geologically different from our own (though I think it may be intended as our world in the far future), where plants, animals and people have evolved to survive even decades of disaster-induced winter.
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You Feel It Just Below the Ribs by Jeffrey Cranor and Janina Matthewson: Set in a dystopia, this purports to be the memoir of an influential psychiatrist, with footnotes by disapproving editors. The conceit is believably executed, and as a meditation on memory and history and complicity this works fairly well. It’s less successful with plot and character, and I didn’t believe in the dystopia (the world government has outlawed families? Really?). This is a tie-in novel to a podcast, Within the Wires, and while it’s sold as one you don’t need to listen to the podcast to understand, I think maybe you actually do.
The Square: 2+ Authors: This square actually got me on a multi-authored-work reading kick this year. Unfortunately, those books are ranking lower than average for me; you’ll see one more further down and there were another two ranked too low to make it onto the card (including one that would have qualified for hard mode!).
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Monstress Vol. 7: Devourer by Marjorie Liu and Sana Takeda: I enjoy this graphic novel series, a beautifully drawn epic fantasy in a female-dominated world. Warning that it’s dark, graphic and gory, though, and seems to be bogging down a bit in the middle volumes. Or maybe I just need to wait till it’s finished and read it all in one go rather than one book per year.
The Square: Non-Human Protagonist: A bit of a cheat since Maika can pass, but she is Arcanic, meaning from a race of animal-people, not human. (She’s also sharing her body with a monster.) I later read an actual novel for this but I hated it so here we are.

The Not-So-Good (2.5 stars)

Sorcery & Cecelia by Patricia Wrede and Caroline Stevermer: This is actually kind of fun, an epistolary novel featuring two spunky cousins encountering magic and romance in Regency England. The authors wrote the novel by writing each other letters in character as a game and without discussing the plot, which is a super fun origin story, but as a novel I don’t think it quite works—both leads have protagonist syndrome, they’re kind of the same person and their plots have all the same beats, including identical climaxes, which was awfully boring the second time around. Still, if you love Georgette Heyer and you love fantasy you might want to give this a try.
The Square: Historical Fantasy: I love this as a square and wish I had something better for it—initially I used Daughter of Mystery but then moved that out late and had to scramble.
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Pemmican Wars by Katharina Vermette: A short graphic novel featuring a Metis teenager who is struggling in foster care and meanwhile is transported back to (or perhaps just dreams of?) scenes from Canada’s past. The present-day thread is intriguingly told, almost all pictures with very few words, and brings home the protagonist’s isolation while letting readers come up with their own interpretation of what’s happening. The past segments feel really juvenile though, much younger than the YA it’s sold as, and still don’t do much to clarify the history.
The Square: BIPOC Author (HM): The square I struggled with most this year, because I really wanted to do hard mode, but had a lot of trouble finding a fantasy by an indigenous author that I wanted to read. I read a lot of lists and reviews, previewed at least 7 books, and read 3 of them. The first, while perfectly decent, was straight literary fiction and I could not make an argument that it was speculative, despite its being sold that way. The third was definitely fantasy but I thought it was pretty bad. So I wound up with this one, which is only arguably fantasy, very short, and which I didn’t think was all that great—definitely a non-ideal choice! But bingo is up and I don’t mind boosting this for those who might in fact enjoy it.
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Thanks for reading! If you want the longer version of any of these reviews, check out my bingo shelf on Goodreads. Hit the “view” button on the far right side of each listing to see my review.