I use psychedelics for mostly therapy (emotional processing and release) typically a full 200ug blot and at the highest would be 300ug. I love learning about myself and traveling through my memories and different realities.
Some of my trip intentions: - Heart Opening - Grounding - Forgiveness - Acceptance - Delayed Gratification - Release
The weekly trips have evidently kept my energy very OPEN. So open that I seem to be more sensitive with picking up energies and being more protective of mine. I love more openly and I am the most affectionate I’ve ever been in my life. All of my toxic maladaptive behavioral patterns are becoming more visible with each trip. I am an abuse survivor and had a major episode 9 years back where I had to take antipsychotics for sleep and couldn’t safely fall asleep due to my trauma response and for the first time since then have been sleeping without my medication. I’ve learned how to naturally fall asleep through my trips.
I’ve had several group trips where I’ve experienced telepathy where I can hear other peoples thoughts and vice versa, and communicated with them through the trip (meaning no verbal conversation, all telepathic)
My most recent discovery is learning how to tap into other peoples energy which is something I’m curious if other people are capable of inducing this type of what I call “witchcraft”. It’s crazy how I’ve only recently tried to find the energy of people closest to me and how the bodily sensation and temperature changes as you enter a new energetic field. Is this legit or am I just tripping?
I’m curious to learning more about what realms, practices and other dimensions of consciousness we can tap into with psychedelics. I’m about to go easy on LSD and explore shrooms on a similar frequency to build my spirituality.
Eager to hear similar stories with how psychedelics changed their lives and programming. 🌈

Hi everyone,
Not the most tech savy but have had to withdraw funds that could only be done via crypto so here I am struggling and a little panicked.
I've managed to create a coinbase wallet, and a coinbase account and I've connected the two. I've now received my Bitcoin to the wallet but coinbase is still saying I have no assets to trade or sell.
What am I doing wrong? Can anybody help me?

Imagine yourself sitting at a sleek, modern desk, surrounded by cutting-edge technology. In front of you is a computer screen displaying a chat window, where you're conversing with an AI that seems to know you better than anyone else. As you type your questions, the AI responds with insightful, intelligent answers that help you solve complex problems and make important decisions. The feeling of having an expert conversationalist at your fingertips is empowering and thrilling, and you can't help but wonder how this technology can help you in your daily life. This is the experience that "Ultimate Guide to Chat GPT" promises to deliver. With this book, you'll gain a deep understanding of how chat GPT works and how it can be used to revolutionize the way we communicate and solve problems. So why wait? Start your journey to becoming a chat GPT expert today.
https://ultimateguides.gumroad.com/l/evskoo
"Ultimate Guide to Chat GPT" is a comprehensive book that explores the capabilities, development, and applications of Chat GPT, an AI language model created by OpenAI. The book is written for readers who are interested in learning about AI and its impact on society, as well as for tech-savvy individuals and AI enthusiasts.

I've been struggling lately kinda figuring out what to do with life. I would love to make a friend who maybe is in the same boat and be there for eachother.
As interests go can always find out if we end up talking.

Original Prompt
The Call of the Void
The edge of the roof, just a prank or a goof? Would a jump make her poof? Did she need any proof?
She knew she'd be fine. She'd read it online. The break'd be hairline. The injury? Benign.
Her cast would be pretty, and she'd get all sorts of pity. It would make her feel gritty, her whole plan felt quite witty.
To be cared for and loved, while a cast her arm gloved, if off the roof she was shoved, was the outcome she cove'd*.
Was this idea too much? Was her plan just a crutch? She could be out of touch, and it just might be such.
She was not so alone, she realized when her phone, lit up and played a tone, and snapped her out of her zone.
So she took a step back. Her bones would not crack, now her mind was on track. The plan had been whack.
Something else would be done, perhaps something more fun? She could go for a run, clear her mind in the sun.
The feeling had passed. The thoughts no longer amassed. She was not an outcast, she accepted at last.
\cove'd: 'coveted' pronounced in a single syllable*

Hi all, apologies for the long post. I'm hoping someone can offer some advice.
I've been with my partner for 11 years, we are both in our mid 30s. Things have been good in the relationship until the last few years. When he is stressed or upset he gets controlling/emotionally abusive. For example, in the past he's told me that my feelings are wrong. He belittles me, and acts like he's better than me. When we argue he talks over me, interrupts me and tries to turn things round to always place the blame on me. I don't feel like I can talk to him or raise issues with him. Whenever I do, he ends up just having a go at me for something.
It's so confusing as he's not like this all the time, the majority of the time everything is good. It's when he's stressed out or worried about something.
We've had quite a few conversations in the last year or so and I've let him know that I don't like it when he acts like this. And I've been trying to decide whether to stay with him or whether to leave.
A few months ago we had an argument and he told me he didn't love me, he didn't even like me as a person. Which obviously hurt me a lot. He doesn't have any family, he doesn't have anyone else in his life. I worry that he's staying with me as he has no one else. I don't feel emotionally supported by him. We also don't have any kind of intimacy in the relationship.
As I'm writing this I'm thinking why am I still in this relationship? I definitely want more than this and deserve more than this.
But we've been together 11 years and I love him. Most of the time things are good and I'm happy. It's a small percentage of time when things are not good.
We also have a 2 year old together, and I want things to work for our child's sake.
In the last few weeks he's had a mental health crisis. He has always had anxiety but not like this. We ended up in A&E as he had thoughts of harming himself. He said this was based around health anxiety and worrying that something bad would happen to me, our child or himself.
He's doing all the right things and is trying to improve his mental health (counselling, CBT). He's never been someone who thought about mental health before, so this is all new to him.
He is in a much better place now and he's going back to work on Monday and he's started getting back to doing his normal routine.
I'm wondering whether it's his anxiety that has caused him to be controlling in the past. And whether now he is opening up to his emotional side, this might change. Or he might know how to deal with stress/difficult things, instead of taking it out on me. Does anyone have any experience of this? Is this likely? I don't want to bring this up with him yet as he's not in a good enough place. But I'm thinking could this help him long term, could he change?
The other issue is that I want to have another baby (we have a 2 year old). When we first met he wanted 1 child and I wanted 3. We compromised and settled on 2. I don't want to have a baby at the moment as I've been having doubts about our relationship. And it's definitely not the right time with his mental health crisis.
He is saying that we can't have a second as it would affect his mental health. I'm not suggesting we have another baby now as it's not the right time. But he's saying he doesn't want another baby ever.
This breaks my heart completely, and I don't know if I will be happy with just 1 child.
We had problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant with our first. I have had some gynae problems which they said I might have to have my ovaries removed. I have been very lucky as this didn't happen and I've been so relieved. I also last year got cervical cancer and there was a chance I'd need a hysterectomy. Again I was so lucky and this didn't happen.
With both of these things I've been so emotional and so focused on whether or not I would be able to have another child. And I feel so happy and thankful that I can, as a lot of people in my position aren't so lucky. Now he's refusing to have a second I am struggling with this, I feel so sad. After everything I am struggling to deal with this.
I appreciate his position and mental health is so difficult, I'm not judging him or trying to discount his feelings. But my feelings matter as well and I don't know whether I'll be happy.
It's also bringing back memories of all the bad times and the ways he has upset me in the past. I can't help but be reminded of the times he has been unkind to me. I could stay with him, not have another child, this would affect me emotionally. And I could do this for someone who may not even like me?
But I can't bring this up with him at the moment due to his mental health issues.
Am I being really selfish? Or am I being naive thinking that the counselling/CBT will change things in our relationship?
Please give me some honest advice. I need someone who is not involved to tell me their opinion.
I'm so confused, I don't know what to think anymore. Hi all, apologies for the long post. I'm hoping someone can offer some advice.

Let’s build an ultimate 18 hole course. Inspired by a previous post but with a twist. What holes would you submit/upvote to compile an all-star 18?
Some rules/thoughts: 1. Each ultimate 18 hole must be the same hole on its home course…our hole #1 can only come from first holes (i.e. we would need to pick between 17 at St. Andrews, 17 at Sawgrass or other for our #17). 2. Holes need to have more than one vote/upvote to qualify. 3. Want to try to land this at par 70-72. 4. If there are gaps, I’ll attempt to fill them in before sharing.
I think that’s it. I’ll publish the results once we get enough votes. Looking forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts.

so i’m a white girl first of all. idk how else to say our relationship except “situationship”. basically we were in the car and i was explaining that i like this chief keef song only for the part where he says “no tzatziki” because i find it funny. i then said the whole line of the song, “you can get ya gyro n-word no tztaziki”. but instead of censoring myself, i just said the line quickly the way he says it in the song and the word along with it. my brain barely even computed that i said it for a second. i was so used to hearing it that way that when i said the words myself they just kinda spilled out. i then apologized and felt like i was panicking, which made everything worse, because then i felt embarassed for panicking. when he finally got to my house we parked and talked about it and i tried my best to explain that i don’t use that word, i never use that word, and that my brain was just so used to the lyrics being said that way that it just came out. i felt like i had to overexplain myself and that there was no way to get across to him that i’m not some ignorant white girl who feels totally fine with casual use of the n-word. to make things worse, he had tried to get me to say that i like his “big black cock” when we were doing sexual things before and i told him how uncomfortable it made me, and that it made me feel racist somehow. so after things were calm he said it’s fine just never say that word again. things shifted to him talking sexually and he asked me to say the bbc stuff again, after i already said i didn’t want to. eventually i gave in due to guilt of what i said earlier. after i said it he said “see, you don’t care” (referring to me feeling bad about me saying that word). it was super frustrating but eventually i “let him hit” as they say. he kept asking me to say how much i love bbc and then later ASKED ME TO CALL HIM THE N-WORD. it was so weird and i absolutely couldn’t and wouldn’t say it. he asked multiple times as well. idk if it was some weird test or something but the whole situation just sucked. he kinda explained in vague terms later that he was just trying to emulate porno stuff, and i got the sense he hadn't been with a white girl before me. anyways, we arent talking anymore for other reasons but this whole interaction keeps bugging me, and i just wanted to get it all out there.

Hi guys this is my first post. I’ve been taking tramadol constantly for the last month, sometimes up to 10 of my 50mg capsules a day. I have been off work with terrible endometriosis pain and I’m awaiting surgery and my doctor prescribed me 60 tramadol. I’ve not been taking it for 3/4 days now and I have been exhausted every single day, sleeping until 3pm and then just moving to the sofa. Yesterday I couldnt even shower myself because I could stand up for long enough and I had a panic attack because of this. I have really bad brain zaps and I’m so weak, I have terrible anxiety and even walking up the stairs makes me so out of breath.. I literally couldn’t breathe! My back is in agony, my tummy cramps are the worst and I just wanna feel normal again. How long will this last?!?
Terrifying dreams where I wake up screaming, I’m so tired all the time and can’t stand up for long, i basically have all the symptoms and still have the worst pain because I’m not taking tramadol but I got scared I was addicted. I just need to know how long this will last, I mean I’ve been taking it for a month solid, will it be a long withdrawal? I’m currently on day 4.
Thanks 💗

So I got Pokémon and the transfer packs to go with my n64 and stadium. That’s great since I don’t have an actual GB anymore. I’ve already beaten yellow, and am working with the glitches to get all 151 pokemon. I did my research but there are no similar glitches in gold. That leaves me with a GameShark as my only option if I want to have all the Pokémon-I can transfer from yellow to get all the originals, but not so for the 2nd gens.
I did more research, a gameboy GameShark won’t work through stadium, so I have to get a n64 GameShark. What research I was able to uncover sees some codes for this, but the real question is how in depth can it be? Like can I put the gameboy GameShark codes into the n64 GameShark to effect my game or am I only limited to what I see online which is just some unlimited health nonsense.

So for my first week of training I was scheduled 10pm-6am 3rd shift. It's now Friday going into my second week of working at Kroger, and my schedule for Sunday into the upcoming week I am scheduled 10pm-2am per UKG. I am currently taking classes at campus with the exception of some online, and due to spring break coming to and end I will most likely not be able to work the full 10pm-6am 3rd shift, is it possible to only work from 10pm-2am from now on without getting told I will not be able to work the night crew unless I can stay till 6am? I will need to get some sleep between 2am and 6-7 to get ready for class at 8 which is an hour away.

Advantages of In Vitro Fertilization

IVF helps patients World Health Organization would be otherwise unable to conceive. the last word advantage of IVF is achieving a booming physiological condition and healthy baby. IVF will build this reality for people that would be unable to possess a baby otherwise.

1.Blocked Tubes;

For women with blocked or broken fallopian tubes.IVF provides the most effective chance of getting a baby exploitation their own eggs.
Advantages and Disadvantages of In Vitro Fertilization ( IVF )

2.Older Patient/Patient with a coffee sex gland reserve;

IVF is accustomed maximize the prospect of older patients conceiving.

3.Male Infertility;

Couples with the male sterility like Impotency or physiological condition drawback can have a way higher likelihood of conceiving with IVF than conceiving naturally.

4.Unexplained Infertility;

1 in six couples can suffer sterility issues and generally these stay unknown once investigation. These patients could have the benefit of intervention.

This is the first true Reddit post that isn't a troll or purposely trying to get people going so hear me out.
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I absolutely despise the American breed and divorce culture. I grew up in a broken home so I know my childhood affects my current views. When someone tells me they are divorced it's kinda whatever, but when someone tells me they have kids and a divorce wicked thoughts about their intellectualism, vulnerability, and stupidity come to my mind I simply can't find myself ever respecting anything that comes out of their mouths.
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1. Cultural and social norms: The US culture places a high value on individualism and personal freedom, which can sometimes come at the expense of family and community.

My reasoning is a majority of people who live in capitalism can't cope in this environment from the lack of understanding of potential freedom. My take on capitalist individualism is playing hooky from your own business but not suffering consequences because who is going to punish you yourself?
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Infidelity: Cheating and affairs can lead to the breakdown of trust and emotional connection between spouses.
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I call this the I want what you have mentality. This is a beyond toxic mindset that not only happens in relationships but for people who suffer from delusional thoughts also. Hating people more successful, more pretty/handsome than you, etc.
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Financial issues: Financial problems, such as debt, lack of financial compatibility, and financial infidelity, can put a significant strain on a marriage.
Really in what world is raising a kid, or being married cheap?
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It boggles my mind that people who are toxic are put in positions of power, and leadership and are expected to guide people when it's evident they don't have an ounce of foresight.
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Before being independent in life, and going to the entrepreneurial route, Most of my managers in corporations not only had one divorce but s**t the record I had in a fortune 100 company was a manager with 3 divorces toxic as sht female.
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It's just weird to me, as of recently I started working with a lot of men from other cultures. Hearing their personal lives, and how they had to convince usually the woman's father for months on end to allow the marriage is asinine. My experience is mf's having 4-6 kids before 30 and having 2-3 different baby daddies and we view this as normal and healthy.

I would like to meet a woman who for reasons of age or life circumstances is relatively inexperienced in having a man pleasure her orally, or who for reasons she can explain to me is deprived of this one thing somehow. If shyness is the issue, I can be as patient as necessary as long as I know the conversation is progressing towards actually meeting in real life.
What I'm not interested in is someone who expects the dynamic to be that you are dominating me in some way and I am to be submissive. I won't be interested. (Assertive, or not at all assertive, is fine.) If having vast numbers of random men go down on you is either something you do a lot, or if you tend to insist on receiving oral the way some men demand blowjobs like they're some sort of basic essential thing that they deserve because you're a woman and they're a man and that's the natural order of the universe, I won't be interested. If you expect me to meet, go to work on you, then leave with minimal oral (verbal) conversation, I'm not interested.
I see there are a lot of men here spewing a lot of bravado about how they'll really good at giving oral, how they live to do it or love to do it, or how they're going to rock your world.
I'm not one of those guys.
Because back in the day, I was told I did all that. It just never felt the need to brag or make promises or whatever. When my two former GFs reach out to say hi after years of no contact, it's about that. (And I don't.) I won't lie: I don't NEED to do it. I'm not desperate. If I was in a relationship with you and you said you never wanted it and I tried to convince you otherwise and you still wouldn't have it, I wouldn't feel deprived for not being able to. It’s not a kink or fetish.
But I'm.... good at it I guess? And you wonder, what's in it for me? I just want to meet a woman for the whole experience, however short-lived our association may be. I want to really like you and make you smile. By "both your sets of lips" I mean that I expect to get to know you a little, preferably with some conversation in person before, during, and after.
I'm white, 5'10.5" and 185lbs with brown and white hair and I'm open to all.

In today's fast-paced business world, companies need to be efficient and streamlined in their operations to stay competitive. One area where this is especially important is in managing credit letters, which are an essential component of business transactions. Credit letters are used to guarantee payment for goods or services provided by one party to another, and they often involve complex legal language and financial terms that can be difficult to understand. However, with the advent of credit letter software and automation, companies can now manage these letters more easily and effectively than ever before.
Credit letter software is a type of software that automates the creation and management of credit letters. It allows companies to generate letters quickly and accurately, using pre-set templates and automated data entry tools. With credit letter software, companies can also track and monitor the status of their credit letters, ensuring that they are delivered on time and that payment is received as expected.
One of the biggest benefits of credit letter software is that it reduces the risk of errors and mistakes in the letter-writing process. Human error is a common problem in manual letter writing, and it can lead to delays, misunderstandings, and even legal disputes. With credit letter software, however, companies can eliminate many of these risks by automating the letter-writing process and relying on the software's built-in error-checking and validation tools.
Credit letter software can also save time and money for companies. By automating the letter-writing process, companies can reduce the amount of time and resources required to create and manage credit letters, freeing up staff to focus on other important tasks. In addition, credit letter software can help companies to avoid costly legal disputes by ensuring that their credit letters are legally compliant and properly structured.

I'm on my last year of college and my course is in the construction industry. I can settle for working here in the Philippines but I am sick and the only chance I have of getting better is surgery that does not exist here in our country. The closest country where this surgery is available is Australia. How do I go about planning and actually moving there in around 8 years time? I want to plan ahead and know everything I can so I can minimize my problems when I eventually move there. What are the things I need to do or acquire? Because I have 0 knowledge about this and I am asking everywhere and only recently started reading articles and information about it. Do I need to go to school in Australia again since I will be in the construction industry and specialization is needed?

Recently went to to the doctor due to joint pain I thought would be related to vitamin B deficiency which I had in the past. No deficiency and doctor recommended to see how I got on.
Follow up appt about 5 weeks later because of continued joint pain and he sent me for additional testing and specialist with rheumatologist.
Doctor called today that Rheumatoid factor came back pretty normal (7) but ANA test was suspect. This came back as “indeterminate (abnormal)” with a note that correlation with clinical information is advised and is a “bio rad bioplex” and may not detect all antibodies as an IFA test.
I have a follow up appt in a few days but just wondering what should I expect? What should I be on the look out for? I know people constantly have to advocate in these types of situations to make sure there’s thorough diagnostic so want to make sure I know what to be aware of.
Thanks!
Edit:
Also a lot of non specific symptoms that I’m not sure if they just correlate with lifestyle ( I work a ton).
I also have had some extreme fatigue that comes and goes but also I take concerta for ADHD so some of that could be masked. There’s some periods on and off I can basically sleep for 2 days. I’ve generally attributed this to being unwell though there’s not other symptoms besides muscle aches during this time - always tested for covid and negative.
I also have a difficult appetite and I’ve always struggled to keep weight on but have struggled a lot more lately.
Generally have migraines but also recent spike.
My grandmother had RA as well. No other known autoimmune diseases but we don’t know much about my maternal side

Wondering if there are any other good housing programs people have used other then NACA?
In my town (in MN) the only program there is is the first time home buyer program, but household income can’t exceed $71k. My partner and I make about $124k together.
We are not in a rush to find housing since the interest rate is pretty high, but I’d like to be informed and aware for the future.
Edit: having no closing cost and no downpayment would be nice. However, I’m not sure if no downpayment in a program will increase the monthly payments?

Hi everyone !
So, a month ago i opened an Etsy shop where i sell art for twitch users (such as emotes, sub badges, pannels… etc.) and stickers. I also opened a Tiktok account a few weeks later to promote my items using trends but also filming my drawing process and how i make my stickers.
But i feel like this account lack personality and it may be the reason why i’m stuck at 200 views for most of my videos like many many other small business shops on Tiktok…
So i thought about additionally adding more personal content… Like filming my day, my cosplays, my gaming set up, just talking face cam, etc. I feel like it would be easier for people to relate to my content if they can relate to me as a person as well !
But i’m also wondering if this can be a bad idea since it can be confusing and look like a mess if there is too much going on with multiple subjects.
What are your thoughts about it ? And what advices would you give me ? Thanks :)

I imagine I'm not the only one who runs into this - say you're making some changes to the layout and you check it out and it's all good, but perhaps you forget to click on the dropdown in the mobile view and so miss the fact that your change broke something there. So you keep working on things and about 10 commits later realize that something is broken and need to investigate how that happened.
I try to be very mindful with how I structure the code, keep on top what any changes might affect, as well as regularly manually test the project - but it's inevitable to miss some things, especially when the project grows. Also sometimes an accidental change is very small or isn't visible at all because the content currently there happens to not be affected - but this might be a component that I previously made sure it works with all kinds of content. So I might not realize I broke it until I test with different kind of content.
Ideally, I'd love to have something that keeps track of all the rendered and functional changes and, so I can always check and make sure they were intentional.
So I was wondering if there's anything like that that you generally use?

The sharp scent of blood pinched his nostrils and the most unpleasant thing was that slender body which wasn’t moving anymore. Her last breath has already dissolved in the air several minutes ago, while that thick red colour slowly spread on the floor. It has all happened so quickly: she’s tried to lie, to make a foul of him and when things got worse in a little argument, a tug on her arm has changed the course of their lives. The loss of stability, the edge of the furniture and finally the silence. It wasn’t my fault, Jason thought, it was a terrible incident! He was standing on foot in front of that little girl’s corpse, breathless, and the only witnesses of the incident were the puppets he build that surrounded them. In the shop there were only him and the corpse. When Jason’s blood started to circulate again, he understood that he should find a solution and couldn’t stand still there without doing anything. But the situation was too complicated. “They’ll put me behind the bars and throw away the key” he became desperate, “I... I’m not an assassin! I just wanted to scold her, she fooled me with the thing of the defective puppet for having a new one in return!” he made a little turn around and looked back at the corpse, but that time he gave an accusatory stare, “It was all your fault!” he screamed enraged, “You made all of this happen!”. He decided to hide the accident and the first thing he did was to close the shop not to make someone else to enter. He took the little girl in the workshop, where he created the toys that everyone acclaimed as works of art, and he put her on the working table. In that room there was a sharp scent of paint, but it wasn’t enough to cover neither the smell of blood nor the horror that was going to happen next. Jason put the hands on his head, digging the fingers among his dark mahogany flocks and pushed himself to find a solution. His stare stopped on a snake-shaped puppet laying on the floor. It was one of his first creations, after that unusual accident, and as if by magic everything was clear for him. He didn’t have to worry. He grabbed the hand saw and got closer to the body. He used that object to cut wooden pieces he needed for creating some toys, but not that day. Jason took a deep breath, his body was trembling and his heart beat so fast to make him feel the pain. He lifted the hand saw and closed his eyes refusing to see the horror that was going to happen.
Four hours later, the purple snake was still laying down on the floor but he got more inflated. Jason was sitting on a chair and in silence in front of the blood-soaked table. Tears stopped to pour from his face when he managed to stop fighting against the feeling of sickness. In that moment he was just stunned and his big ember-colored eyes seemed to become blackened and slit. The corpse was gone, laying in the snake’s mouth, and together with it Jason’s last piece of humanity too. “How could something like this happen? How did I arrive at this point?”. And the answer was just a name: Amelia.
Oh, Amelia, his childhood friend. The one and only! Because before her arrival, Jason has always been a child locked in his silence. Locked in his own world. His parents were strict but wanted to see him studying all day and in the house where he lived toys were forbidden. Mom and dad weren’t bad people, he knew they loved him but they weren’t able to show their affection. Like every parent, they wanted their son to be perfect and with a brilliant future but all that pressure was too much for a 9-year-old child. As for Jason, he made everything he could to make them feel proud of him: he was a model student at school and obedient. Even though his great dedication, it has never been enough. Even if he couldn’t have any toys at home, Jason has built some little wooden figurines he kept in the school garden. Away from his parents’ reach, he could play with them without being punished. He kept them hidden underground, just like a priceless treasure, until the day a child named Amelia noticed him. To tell the truth, it has always been the teacher asking Amelia to go to him. She was a sunny and friendly child, while he has been bashful and shy. Every attempt to make him approach other children failed and over time his peers started to make fun of him. That teacher just wanted to help Jason and she kind of did it, but sacrificing Amelia. Jason wasn’t weak, on the contrary, he was a perfect manipulator and master of deception. He was like a wolf hiding behind the mask of the lamb, however he became attached to little Amelia. He never did any harm to her, actually, he wanted to be a good friend and protect her. Could this be considered as a normal relationship? A nice friendship among children? Absolutely not.
Maybe, what Jason himself couldn’t understand, was the lack of relationship with his parents created a severe affective addiction. He always wanted to be of primary importance to Amelia, he liked saying he was the only friend she needed and he made her feel unsure. Jason wasn’t looking for love and maybe not even affection, he wanted to be praised. He wanted to be important for somebody and this made him feel... alive. He felt like he existed and it was great. He wanted to feel it again and again, so he made Amelia believe that the world is a place full of bad people and who ever dared to interfere will pay for it. The affective addiction and the manipulations often made Jason do bad things. Just like with Lucy, Amelia’s friend, who wanted to go first on the swing and he pushed her so fast that she fell down causing her a broken wrist. Or Jonathan, who always asked Amelia for colored pencils, when he got pushed down the school stairs. Jason pushed him when he was giving his back, like a coward, because he knew no one would blame him. Also that child like any other intruder, after those awkward incidents suddenly stopped to talk with Amelia. The more he grew the more dangerously and spitefully he acted, obviously without lessening the previous acts! In the meantime the poor and naive Amelia, stunned by Jason’s kindness and his nice words, seemed to be careless about those awkward incidents happening around the two of them. Or maybe, in other words, she didn’t want to see it.
Once grown up, Jason has decided to open a toy shop and his parents kicked him out of the house, due to that decision. What disappointment! After years of hard work in the end their son has chosen such a stupid and disgraceful job. In contrast to what they imagined, Jason was happy and became a talented toy maker. He didn’t lack of fantasy, people of every age bought his creations and, moreover, he had his faithful friend by his side. It would’ve been wonderful if the story has ended here, but the perfect world Jason built didn’t last any longer.
Like every evening, Amelia visited her friend when the shop closed to keep company with him. Jason had to settle the chaos done by those stupid children, so he took off his beige vest to feel more comfortable and pulled up the sleeves of his white shirt. Amelia looked around and gave a nostalgic smile, “Think about it, Jason. You started from a wooden figurine to the point to be able to do all of this. you are happy, aren’t you?”. “I might say yes, even though I start hating children” he replied, “They ruin everything they touch”. “Get used to it, they are your most faithful customers!” she made fun of him, while the guy scoffed. “I know, it’s awkward. A toy maker who hates children” Amelia didn’t answer, but from her little amused smile it wasn’t difficult to say she agreed with him, “I decided to become a toy maker because I liked shaping my fantasy... because you were the first one telling me that”. “You were good at creating wooden figurines, so I suggested you to become a toy maker or something like that. I’m glad you listened to me”. “Good friends do this” the toy maker replied, “And for becoming it, at times you must do some things”. Amelia looked puzzled at her friend, “What do you mean?”. Jason shrugged it off and looked at her smiling “Do you remember the pink letter?”. Oh, of course Amelia remembered it! It was one of the most unpleasant days of her life. When she was 15, Amelia fell in love with a boy from the class next to hers. She didn’t have the courage to confess her feelings and obviously Jason scared her as usual, “If people find out your weaknesses it’s the end. I don’t think it’s a good idea”, he has said, but Amelia’s friend disagreed with it. She encouraged Amelia and suggested her what to write in the letter, then she would’ve delivered it... but something went wrong.
The letter disappeared from Amelia’s backpack and was attached on the backboard in the class of the boy she liked. He saw the letter getting passed hand by hand by the boys reading it with scornful tone her confession. He heard the laughter, the not-so-funny jokes but the name in the signature they were screaming wasn’t hers... it was the one of her friend who encouraged her. They made fun of her the entire school year and in the end she decided to change school. Amelia has never seen her again. She thought she acted like a coward doing that and yet Jason did it. “How could you do that to me? Why?” her voice come out with effort. “I protected you. Like I’ve always done” in Jason’s face there wasn’t a little trace of repentance. “This doesn’t mean protecting someone!” Amelia was angry, but what really got on her nerves was her friend’s shallow attitude, “I won’t forgive you for that, Jason”. She quickly left the shop and slammed the door with all of her strength. Jason followed her, but he didn’t make another footstep over the main entrance, “Perhaps are you angry?”. Obviously his friend didn’t reply and went straight back at home. She was so angry that who ever’s got in her sight she would’ve stepped on them like a brakeless train. However, once she’s gotten home, she closed in her own room and soundly started to cry. Amelia cried not only for that letter but for all the people Jason parted from her. It was like waking up suddenly from a long sleep. For years she didn’t mind it, because she was afraid to lose him and she couldn’t really understand the reason. Maybe because she was just a fool or she enjoyed feeling of primary importance in those rare occasions when Jason complimented her. She has left all those friends to part away believing they were unfaithful, but the only one who should really disappear from her life was the magnificent and innocent Jason! On the other hand, the toy maker stayed in his shop and after finishing his affairs he closed in his little workshop. He settled the sheets on the sofa and laid down. According to a stranger’s impression, his attitude wasn’t the best of all, yet he acted like a real douche bag, but actually he was very sorry for Amelia being so angry with him. The next day, when his friend would be back visiting him, he decided that he would try to calm her down. Contrary to what he was expecting, the following day Amelia didn’t show up at the shop so she did the day after and the day after tomorrow.
A month later Jason had no news at all about his friend. His man’s pride prevented him from going to ring the bell to her house, but all that time helped him thinking about a way to be forgiven. He was still unsure about being forgiven about what he has done. He didn’t manage to understand, but he knew Amelia perfectly and needed nothing more to make her forget her anger. A toy would be enough but Jason has made something very special: a music box. He didn’t buy it, he made it with his own hands and after his hard work completed his hands were full of wounds and wooden pieces. But that wasn’t the only surprise. The most important part of that gift, the most precious of all, was a little puppet resembling him in an astonishing way, hidden inside the music box. A surprise contained inside another surprise! The puppet was as big as the palm of a hand, dressed just like Jason, it had the same hair colour and two black buttons used as eyes. “It’s not as handsome as the original but she is going to like it!”. His hope was stored inside that puppet, but also the deep fear and anguish always obsessing Jason. He just wanted someone in his life to appreciate him and who didn’t need nothing else than his company. He wanted to be looked up to, someone who mattered, because it was so beautiful feeling somebody needed his help. Like in the earlier discussion, when Jason felt like to exist and not to be like an object. That puppet should’ve been a sort of lucky charm for him, but after what he created for her everything started to go wrong. For Jason, this was just the beginning.
After creating his two gifts, three days later Jason didn’t manage to come out of his creations room. It was Monday and people waited in front of the shop asking themselves why it hasn’t opened yet. Jason wasn’t feeling well. He had a terrible headache and got cold feet. Anyway, he didn’t want to wait anymore, so he left from the back of the shop and went to Amelia’s house sacrificing his aching body. When he knocked to her door he thought he would see her face, with those chocolate hair and blue eyes of hers, yet he faced her mother and her look gave him the impression of a happy visit. Jason cleared his voice, “Good morning madam, is your...” and in that very moment, Amelia looked out onto the door and stopped by her mother’s side, “Hi, Amelia”. She looked down and her cheeks turned red, “Hi...”. “Why do you come here?” her mother asked interrupting that embarrassing silence. Jason’s lips turned into a smile and showed his precious music box, “I brought you this present to make it up. I built it with my own hands and inside of it there’s another surprise!”. For a breif moment Amelia’s eyes sparkled, she was unsure about accepting Jason’s present and she was almost convinced of forgiving him... but that smile of his didn’t bewitched her mother. It never did, not even when Jason was just a apprently innocent child. She always thought his attitude was awkward since the day that little incident happened. She remembered going to make the snacks and little Amelia followed her for giving a hand. Meanwhile Jason was left alone with her daughter’s canary. It was her first pet and Amelia got attached to it. Then Jason appeared and stated that the canary wasn’t moving anymore. The three of them reached for the living room and poor Amelia started to cry. While Jason was by her side, he caressed her back and told her not to worry, that everything was going to be alright. In that sentence there was nothing wrong, Jason just wanted to console Amelia, but her mother didn’t ignore that almost invisible smile. Many times she told her daughter there was something wrong with him, the little girl always refused to listen to her but her patience was gone, “Amelia doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore, Jason. And maybe it’s better this way, trust me”. Jason raised his eyebrows, “What?” he asked astounded, then he looked at her, “But... Why? I’ve always been by your side, you could always count on me” he said, but Amelia kept looking down like a beaten dog, “I made this present for you, please!”. Jason gave the music box to Amelia, but she rejected it almost reluctantly. With that gesture, in that very moment he felt like a strong grip to his heart. An aching pain made him lose stability. “Are you alright?” Amelia noticed that reaction of his and finally looked at the boy in his eyes. “How... how can I be alright?” Jason breathed with difficulty, “I’ve always been by your side, although all those things I’ve done and you regarded as unforgivable. And now you do this to me” he said, “What is it? A punishment? revenge? I don’t care anymore” he gathered strength and looked at Amelia, “I thought you were a smart person, apparently this was the only mistake I made”. Satisfied with his friend having teary eyes, Jason turned around and went back to this shop.
For several weeks Jason wasn’t the same anymore. His anger was a lot and his health conditions were getting worse. He just wanted to go on with his life, but then the incident with that little girl happened. Sitting on that chair, staring at the blank space and with his hands pouring blood, Jason felt something in him changed forever. He didn’t feel nothing anymore and his body was changing. He didn’t let the depression take control and he wasn’t sad. He didn’t like that reality anymore. While he was busy thinking about leaving that little town, he heard Amelia’s voice calling his name out of the shop. Neither he didn’t overreact nor he didn’t wag his tail like a dog, he just thought about getting refreshed and without hesitation he opened her the door. Amelia immediately noticed his emotionless face and after staying silent for a moment she was the first to speak, “Can I come in?”. Jason moved silently, he let the girl go through and closed the door exposing the sign ‘CLOSED’. “I’m sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to know how did you feel. I believe we should talk”. Amelia knew there was something odd about Jason, but it wasn’t only that... there was an awkward scent in the air too. “There’s nothing more to say and honestly this isn’t a good time for me”. “Are you alright? You’re sweating”, she asked. Jason looked around feeling like a fish out of water and Amelia put her hand on his shoulder, “Tell me what’sup with you. Are you feeling ill?”. He took a deep breath, “I... I killed a little girl” she widened her eyes and slowly, overwhelmed, parted her hand from Jason, “I swear it was just an incident, I didn’t want to go to jail for this and... I...”. “Go on” actually she was afraid of what she was going to listen next, but Jason’s stuttering made room for imagination and it was even worse. “I cut the corpse in pieces and I hid it inside a puppet” Maybe yes, it was better not to make room for imagination and not listen to those horrible words coming out from Jason’s mouth. He was really being able to do such a thing? He wasn’t innocent, she knew very well, but she could never imagine Jason would be able to kill. One must keep calm in these situations and there was only one solution. “Jason, you must establish yourself”. The toy maker, who until that moment looked like a trapped mouse, took the hands off his temples and stared at Amelia. His look was surprised, like if he suddenly was stabbed to his back. “Do you... do you really want me to confess the incident? You know very well how it will end up!”. “You have to try, Jason. You can’t act like nothing happened. They will start to look for her and sooner or later they will find her!”. “I can’t do it, Amelia!” the guy snarled. “Good, then I’m going to do it for you!”. Jason kept quiet immediately and looked at the girl widening his eyes astonishingly, “Have you got the nerve to do something like that to me?”. “It’s for your own sake”. He laughed hysterically, “Don’t make me laugh! You’ve always been stupid!” started to come closer and meanwhile Amelia moved backwards, “Do you know? I’ve always tried to make you a better person but I understood you aren’t worthy. I suggest you not to provoke me with your bullshit”. “Do you think I’m not going to do it? Just watch me!”. She turned over the exit but obviously Jason stopped her grabbing her by her hair. The two started a fight and Amelia realized that if Jason has killed once then he would’ve done it again. She feared that she would be next, indeed, she would’ve been next. She should’ve acted differently and maybe pretended to support him, but like any other time she has made the wrong decision. Jason was right, she was really stupid, she has always been or perhaps he made her feel inferior so many times that by then she has thought to be . Who knows? To protect herself Amelia managed to steal a screwdriver on the balcony but she hadn’t the chance to use it yet. She couldn’t do anything against Jason’s body and when the latter slammed her on the wall, the impact was so violent that Amelia’s strength run out immediately. She fell on the floor and her head started to ache terribly... but Jason stopped. She looked up and saw the screwdriver stuck in the toy maker’s heart. He was standing still and looking overwhelmed at the object stuck, while the blood stain was getting bigger on his vest. “You damn... bitch!” he grabbed the screwdriver and remove it throwing violently on the floor, then came together and dried the sweat from his forehead, “It’s not very nice of you, Amelia!” then he came closer to her and kicked her face.The impact stunned her but not enough to make her faint and she stood reclined. “I’m sorry it all ended like this, my dear Amelia” then he chuckled, “No, just kidding. To be honest, I don’t care” the girl’s sight was slightly blurred, but the object the toy maker was holding was easily unmistakable: a hand saw. It has come for her time to die, she knew, and her eyes started to shed tears. Would she suffer a lot? How long it would take her to die? Would she be dead either from the blood loss or for the aching pain? Although the terror she felt, Amelia decided to run away but her body was too slow. She turned goofily the side, but Jason stepped on her shoulder and dislocated it. The girl’s tired eyes stared at the toy maker and she saw him caressing with his finger the iron teeth of object. She could swear he was enjoying the moment before the massacre starting, but then she noticed Jason lowered the hand saw and sighed, “There are many things being incomprehensible to humans. Some can be and other ones cannot. We believe we know every secret in the world we live, but the truth is we don’t know shit”. “What... What are you saying?” Amelia asked, even if that action was really hard for her to understand. Jason bothered and resigned shook his head, “You’re too naïve, you don’t understand” and slowly started to move back parting from her, “You don’t need a stupid wish upon a star to make your wish come true when it’s truly intense. We are the ones who make possible the impossible things”. Maybe it was that bump that caused her to hallucinate, but after Jason speaking the wall behind him started to inflate. The wall crumbled and a blue door with a golden knob popped out. “I don’t know why, but this doll became my heart” Jason had the music box opened in his hands and looked at it with a more confused expression, “The only place in which I can guard it is inside the music box, but this was meant to be a gift and I want to give it anyway to someone who will take your place. Someone smarter and who can stand up to me: a chosen one”. “Nobody...” already tired Amelia whispered, “Nobody will want a monster like you!”. Jason, who in the meantime opened the blue door, turned over the girl and smiled, “My name is Jason and it means “the one who heals”. Did you know? Of course not” his expression was arrogant, “Anyone will replace you, if they are not going to be able to understand my good intentions I will fix them up. After all, a broken toy can always be fixed up too”. “What? You’re crazy! People aren’t like your stupid puppets” Amelia shouted, “Where will you go? You... you aren’t going to run away!”. “I’m not running away, idiot, but don’t worry. I’ll be back”. Amelia’s body trembled staring at that fake smile and she felt powerless when she saw him disappear behind the door. The wood crumpled on itself, the chips turned into small pieces on the floor and the wall was intact again like nothing has never been there.
Amelia spent the rest of her life believing Jason would’ve been back at any moment to hurt her, but the truth is Jason decided to spare her life. She didn’t even realize how lucky she has been, because no one else after her would’ve seen his mercy... like those wax dolls, of every age, which always started to fill more and more in the terrible games room. And those puppets, which were able to come to life, the only silent witnesses in the splendid yet horrible world of Jason the toy maker.

For the past 3 1/2 years I've had someone cyber stalking me. They spend an awful lot of time attacking me with deeply personal things, and twisting knives in wounds that are already pretty deep.
Unfortunately at one point a friend decided to play into it to "help" which did nothing but make it worse, but the original person hasn't stopped.
I am sure they are reading this, and I am sure my breakdowns and my feelings regarding this are particularly satisfying. To them I just want to say, leave me alone.
I am done, I am over it, you can have whatever you want, just please leave me alone. No more messages here, facebook, texts, creepy phone calls. You win, whatever you want that to be.
Please just leave me alone, whatever you want from me, you can have it.