Palm Beach, FL – March 16, 2023 – FinancialNewsMedia.com News Commentary – The worldwide Military Drone market has been rapidly expanding for the past several years and is expected to continue to show significant growth in the several years to come. North America has held a significant share in the military drone market, led by countries such as the United States, which have large defense budgets as sizable military budgets support the incorporation of cutting-edge technological advancements. The growing need to strengthen national security by acquiring technologically cutting-edge equipment like military drones for surveillance, monitoring, transportation, and combat operations, is driving the market for military drones in North America. Additionally, the market will likely expand further due to favorable rules by governments in the region and the increase in production of military drones internationally and domestically. Other regions are also growing. A report from Expert Market Research said that: “Asia Pacific is projected to experience significant expansion and a fast CAGR in the military drone market over the forecast period. This can be attributed to the increased spending by several countries on their militaries to strengthen their defensive capacities. The demand for military drones is expected to increase as border conflicts become more prevalent and countries invest in real-time surveillance drones in order to enhance border patrolling and situational awareness.” Active companies in the markets this week include: AeroVironment, Inc. (NASDAQ:AVAV), Epazz, Inc. (OTCPK:EPAZ), Aerojet Rocketdyne Holdings, Inc. (NYSE:AJRD), Drone Delivery Canada Corp. (OTCQX:TAKOF) (TSXV:FLT.VN), Red Cat Holdings, Inc. (NASDAQ:RCAT).
The report added: “Market Share by Product. The fixed wing segment is anticipated to have a significant market share over the forecast period (2-23 – 2028) due to their superior support for payloads, increased endurance ranges, and versatile applications. Like an aeroplane, fixed-wing drones take off from the ground by using their wings, due to which fixed-wing UAVs can travel farther than rotor-wing drones. A key advantage of fixed-wing aircrafts is their ability to cover large distances on a single battery, which makes them ideal for monitoring and surveillance activities, thus increasing their military drone market share. In the event of complete failure, military drones with fixed wings can still fly and land safely. Due to their superior aerodynamics, fixed-wing formats are used for the most advanced and powerful unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs). Market Share by Range. During the forecast period, the visual line of sight (VLOS) segment is anticipated to develop at a fast rate due to the rise in the use of VLOS military drones by various governments in applications including traffic monitoring, firefighting, and disaster management. Authorities are putting in place various VLOS regulations, to manage drones used for commercial, leisure, or military purposes.”
Epazz, Inc. (OTCPK:EPAZ) BREAKING NEWS: Epazz Holdings: ZenaDrone AI Predictive Partnered with US Defense Contractor to Submit for SBIR Phase II for ZenaDrone 100 – Epazz Inc., a mission-critical provider of drone technology, blockchain mobile apps and cloud-based business software solutions, announced recently ZenaDrone signed up a U.S. defense contractor to partner with on submitting a SBIR Phase II proposal. This partnership helps ZenaDrone fast track the Phase II submission process, which includes a U.S. government customer who will be using our drone and partner technology.
The San Antonio Air Force Trade Show, which was held between Jan. 26 and Jan. 27, 2023, has led to some meaningful partnership opportunities with U.S. defense contractors that have already established military contracts. We are working to add more partners who have already established contracts with the U.S. military to submit more proposals for Phase II in April.
ZenaDrone has agreed to install its partner’s technology into its drones to test its technology. ZenaDrone will be part of the contract and, if awarded, will share proceeds of up to $1.2 million of the contract price.
Working with partners means ZenaDrone has accelerated the process, allowing it to submit for Phase II earlier than would otherwise be possible.
CEO Shaun Passley, Ph.D., said, “ We met a lot of good companies during the January conference; they have been grateful to help us through the SBIR process. We look forward to working with them on Phase II.”
Epazz also announced recently it has received the official utility patent on its AI predictive Drone Smart Charging Pad .
Our Smart Charging Pad is a major game changer. Many of our competitors are pricing their charging pads for drones weighing less than 55 pounds at $4,000 to $15,000 per unit. Our Smart Charging Pad — which can be used to charge our ZenaDrone 1000, weighing over 250 pounds — will be priced at less than $15,000. ZenaDrone 1000 is a serious aircraft created for use by the military as well as in the oil and gas and agriculture industries. We designed it to be a workhorse and to push the limits of future technology available today. Our affordable technology has allowed us to gain market interest quickly. CONTINUED… Read these full press releases and more news for Epazz at: https://www.epazz.com/press-room/
https://www.barchart.com/story/news/15118236/military-drone-market-expected-to-expand-through-2028-on-heels-of-technological-advancements

I want to start this out by saying my girl and I have been together for 3 years. This has been a problem since she has got on birth control but has become more of an issue lately. I DO NOT make it a big deal to her but internally it obviously is going to bother me. We’ve talked and both agree it’s obviously her birth control but hate to just put her on a bunch and hop around like she’s a lab rat. We obviously would like to stop that but in the current time having a baby is not the best case scenario by any means.
She has voiced multiple times that she wants to have sex but can’t because we have the day before and she is sore. I am on the “bigger side” at 7” so maybe it’s just too big and her vaginal canal is smaller but there are times when we have sex, when i’m all the way in, there’s a dry/rubbing sensation that feels like the wetness isn’t all the way through.
I do foreplay for atleast 30 minutes before we even get anywhere close to having sex. I eat,rub,finger, the whole nine yards. There’s a lot of positions we can’t do because of how “large” my dick is and it honestly just feels like my dicks too big to even be able to enjoy sex anymore.
We do use vibrators however all the ones we’ve bought and tried she says they hurt her clit or vibrate too intensely and she can’t get a good orgasm with them. It honestly just seems like there’s nothing I can do to make sex good for her. I’ve never had this problem before as a man and it’s just so demeaning mentally as a man.
Typically if we do have sex we can only do missionary because if I take it out and put it back in, in a different one it usually hurts her and she says it’s too dry even with coconut oil being on in generous amounts. I’ve never had this problem before and It’s getting so bad lately that I don’t even care to have sex anymore because I know it’ll just be me on top waiting for her to cum then I’ll cum and that’s it. I may sound dickish, however when it’s the same position every single time and it the same processs every single time it takes alot of the fun out of it.
I don’t get to decide when we have sex ever because she has to wait until she’s fully in the mood and then all it is, is missionary sex and it’s over.
Please give me any suggestion no matter how small you think it may be. I’m desperate at this point. Thank you for those of you that did read and offered your advice.

I went to a therapist last week for my first session (I had actually asked for a psychiatry referral because idk if I need to be on medication or what because I can barely function then got there and found out it was a therapist). Anyway, we go through the session and she states her therapy approach and how of course I am in the driver seat and she is a passenger helping me along the way. My homework is to come up with goals for therapy. While I know this makes complete sense, as it’s my life and I am the only one that can control it, I just kind of want to give up on therapy already because it feels like I’m to far gone for it. I don’t have the energy or motivation “be the driver” of my life anymore. I also don’t even think therapy is going to help. Talking about it isn’t going to fix the fact that I can barely get up in the morning, or debating on if I should k!ll myself or go in to work because my job makes me want to vomit at the thought of it. It’s not going to take any problems away which I genuinely have lost all capacity to deal with. I don’t see any other option, there’s nothing about life that I want to participate in anymore. I don’t want to waste the therapist’s time or take time away from other patients for whom it could help. Should I just withdraw?

Climate change has to be addressed on every level, from local to global. Here in New Mexico we're trying to assess our own climate pollution, how it overlaps with conventional pollution and climate justice, and the policy changes we need to address this. We'd love for anyone to join us, no matter how far you are from New Mexico, and we'd also love to hear about your region's attempts to assess and address local pollution!
Free and open to the public, hope lots of people can join us.
Speaker Series: NM’s Largest Climate Polluters Report
What: First Report on NM’s Largest Climate Polluters
Where: Pre-register on Zoom at LINK
When: 6:30 PM MT, Monday, March 27, 2023
Who: Gabe Pacyniak, JD UNM School of Law and others.
Description: Hear authors of the report, “Impacts of NM’s Largest Emissions Sources" including Gabe Pacyniak, JD discuss the February 1 report that for the first time examines the climate and health damaging pollution from large stationary sources in New Mexico.
The report identifies 189 stationary sources that together contribute approximately 25 percent of the state’s climate pollution along with a large share of conventional pollutants. The largest share of pollution from these sources comes from the electric power and oil and gas sectors. Other large stationary sources include mines, manufacturing facilities, airports, and universities.
The report also analyzed where large sources are located and suggested that there may be equity benefits to reducing emissions in those areas with a high percentage of people of color, lower-income people, or people with health vulnerabilities. Four regions—the San Juan Basin; Permian Basin; Albuquerque, Bernalillo, and Sandoval Counties; and Las Cruces and Dona Aña County—were identified as areas with clusters of large stationary sources.
Finally, the report finds that current state policies are not adequate to achieve climate pollution reductions from these sources in keeping with the state’s climate goals but identifies ways that climate pollution policies could be designed to both reduce climate pollution and maximize public health benefits for communities where these sources are located. UNM’s Just Transition Grand Challenge initiative and the nonprofit organization PSE Healthy Energy hosted the report. The report was funded by the Environmental Defense Fund.
Event on Facebook: LINK
***All Events are Free and Open to the Public***

http://science.china.com.cn/2023-03/27/content_42309493.htm
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For example, Huawei is the first company in the world to apply zirconium-based amorphous alloy (zirconium-based liquid metal) to the hinge of folding screen mobile phones. The addition of zirconium-based amorphous alloy (zirconium-based liquid metal) can further reduce the size of the hinge while enhancing the basic performance of the hinge, such as wear resistance and durability. And there is no need to sacrifice basic functions such as battery capacity and lens configuration of the mobile phone. It can be said that the material and design of the hinge determine the thickness and weight of the entire model, and also largely determine the service life of the folding screen mobile phone.
It is understood that Huawei's latest Mate x3 model continues to adopt the zirconium-based amorphous alloy (zirconium-based liquid metal) solution, coupled with further improvements in the design scheme, making this model lighter and thinner. Furthermore, the weight of the body has dropped to 239g, leading the trend of thinner and lighter folding screens.
Driven by Huawei, zirconium-based amorphous alloy (zirconium-based liquid metal) materials quickly attracted the attention of other mobile phone brands including OPPO, VIVO, etc., allowing liquid metal to move from niche new materials to large-scale applications. Brightened the prospects of its industrialization.
According to Zhiwu Technology Review, the main suppliers of amorphous alloy (liquid metal) materials for hinge spindles include Yi'an Technology, Dongmu Co., Ltd., and Changzhou Shijing.
Among them, Yi'an Technology is the first company in the world to break through the bottleneck of the industrialization of liquid metal materials. It currently has the world's largest liquid metal production base. The company's liquid metal products have been widely used in foldable screen mobile phone hinges, automotive structural parts, high-end earphones, and medical equipment. , golf club heads and other fields, among which it has cooperated with many manufacturers in the field of folding screens; Shanghai Chisheng, a subsidiary of Dongmu Co., Ltd., is also a supplier of liquid metal products, and its downstream is mainly used in fields such as folding screen mobile phone hinges; Changzhou World It is also a high-tech company specializing in R&D, manufacturing and sales of liquid metal materials, and is committed to providing complete liquid metal solutions for global consumer electronics, smart equipment and advanced medical equipment customers.
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I am due in early November and am starting to think ahead for maternity leave. I'm a sole entrepreneur and all of my income is based on commission from retained clients. Realistically, I'm not going to be able to take a typical mat leave. Thankfully, I can work certain projects ahead and outsource grunt work.
For first time mums, how long did it take you to get your head above water and have mental capacity for anything outside of your baby?
Bare minimum, I'd like to not touch work for the first six weeks. And then when I do return, only get involved in delegating projects, just working a few hours a week for another couple of months from home.
Does anyone else have experience in handling mat leave as a sole entrepreneur? I'd be curious what worked and what didn't work for you.

Hey everyone.
I’m looking at buying a very slightly used bike. It’s a 2020 street triple R with 400 miles on it.
The issue I have with pulling the trigger right now is that it was purchased in mid-2020 and only has those 400 miles on it. It wasn’t winterized, though an oil change was done prior to it sitting. The owner states he took it out last September without issue, but I know that bikes that sit for a while can have issues like rust in the tank, flat spots on the tires, etc.
Should I be worried? Or as long as it starts right up and the tank/chain isn’t rusty am I ok?

I've been trying to apply for grad schools since last year, but was constantly rejected. I even had a mentor who was helping me through the application proceses and edited my motivation letters. I knew I had to work on my CV more, especially coming from a 2.7/4.0 (converted) GPA from engineering. I'm already a few years out of college and have enough work experience to confidently say I can do a lot better than my old undergraduate self.
So I just kept on with my work, taking on opportunities that would help. I knew I wanted to pursue higher studies because I really liked the field I'm working in. And I knew that having enough notable things on my resume would help the admissions committee overlook my grades. I believed in the work I was doing (in environment and sustainable development) and more importantly I believed in myself.
This year I finally got some acceptance letters in! One is from UMich and another is from an Erasmus Mundus Joint Master Degree (main university would be in Belgium). Both MSc programs I would say are very well-aligned with how I envision potential future career paths. I'm from Asia, so I would be an international student in both cases.
Now I am currently thinking through the pros and cons:
I know UMich would give me leverage from name alone. But the cost of 1 year of tuition is prohibitively expensive at... ~$80k for an international student. And I did not get any scholarship unfortunately. I could try for one in my second year or to work as a TA if there was a slot, but those are also highly competitive.
For my EMJMD program, I wasn't given an Erasmus Mundus scholarship, but a different form of grant that would give me a stipend of 13,500€, which will be given as 1500€ for 9 months starting next year, not this year - so everything to start would be out of pocket. The mandatory travel between schools for the program must also be out of pocket. For international students, first year tuition is ~$13k. Which is already way more manageable than UMich's rate. Plus if my first year grades are good, I could potentially get a waiver for my second year tuition to just be at ~$4.5k.
So right now I am definitely leaning towards the EU program, mostly because the cost is much lower. I've been trying to look at possible external funding sources, but haven't had much luck. I've talked to my parents about it too and we wouldn't be able to afford it without a loan, so there's that.
For the EU program, I don't think I can defer it, so I would have to reapply all over again next year. I'm thinking I might have an advantage from being previously accepted for admission, but I know that still won't guarantee getting a full scholarship.
So now, in my mind I'm thinking of the opportunity cost of already starting grad school this year vs if I did it next year. I know I will have more opportunities to beef up my resume and that I will find meaningful work in the meantime, but I also feel like I would do well learning from an academic setting again and coming back to work sooner (also to repay loans/debts from funding grad school).
Has anyone else had this predicament? Really the biggest hurdle is financial capacity. Advice would be appreciated! But also if you guys need more advice on "getting your shit together" after a sub-3.0 GPA, feel free to reply/DM as well. 😊

First Previous [Next]()
Trigger warning: a short explanation of explosive ammunition hitting live targets
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POV: Commander

I was informed about the astounding results of Milko's and Mateo's healing light. I watched a recording of Caleo waking up and Medic Chavez being saved. I was ready to confront Doc.
I walked briskly to the brig. I had her moved to an interrogation room and shackled to a seat in front of a large screen. I sat on the other side of the screen, facing her. The screen was just fog; there was nothing physical separating us. She started to demand things immediately.
Doc: I do not recognize you as an officer. You have gone rogue and are an enemy of PACA now! If in fact, Terran Command is charging me with treason, I want to hear it from them! I have the right to face my accusers!!
Commander (with an evil grin forming on his face, with a deceptively gentle and slow voice): You want to meet your accusers? Are you sure? If that is arranged you do not have the right to stop the proceedings. And your attendance and participation are mandatory until the proceedings are finished.
Doc (ranting and almost frothing at the mouth in her sanctimonious indignation): You cannot talk me out of this! I'm not some conscript with meager education and no capacity for intellectual thinking! I - know - my - rights!
Commander (grinning like a madman): I am happy to arrange this.
I exited the white room before my hands found their way around her scrawny neck. Also, the table in the interrogation cell was made of an exotic metal alloy and created together with the floor, ceiling, and walls as one piece. I don't know how I would report that damage to the higher-ups. I already had to be inventive to explain the constant need for desks for the Captain's quarters.
I did not incline to give the "good ol' " doc any leeway. I had spent the majority of the previous night in negotiations with the Terran Command, Medical Command, and armed forces' lawyers. Absolutely no one had any interest in a public trial or allowing the traitors access to the press.
Thankfully the law had been written with Terran interests in mind. During ops like this Terra was considered at war. PACA had not intervened with laws like that, thanks to our lawyers and their way with words.
Our interim doctor was no lawyer but would never admit to not understanding something written. She had signed all the contracts giving away certain rights before stepping on board. Armed forces "speak" was somewhat different from the everyday understanding of many words. 'Accuser' is one of them.
I just needed to get the other traitor to demand the same "chance" to face their accusers. Then we could levy some punishment on them if any humanity was left in them.
The sister of the boy killed with field medic Janet Holler had already asked to see the people responsible for his death. As did several wounded and traumatized children and adults. They were the accusers. And they had the right to face the individuals responsible. If that also showed the traitors the consequences of their actions...well that was just a happy accident.
I put the onboard lawyers - yes, the Bolt had a small army of them always onboard and they were feared by everyone off and onboard - to work to ensure everything was done by the book.
Then I went to the evacuee center to ask who amongst the rescuees - in addition to Milke'as, the younger sister of slain 14-year-old Melke'o - would like to tell off the people who wanted to keep them enslaved. IASO was with me to make an initial assessment of their mental state and if they would be able to handle the stress.
We started with the temporary housing unit. There were the majority of the older orphans and a few younger ones who had escaped earlier. Their physical injuries had to wait for a little to be fixed. They all had them, each and every one.
Still, their mental trauma was nothing to be belittled. They had each been assigned a therapist from HOTCHI or Earth they had conversed with already.

The next day

Court-martial proceedings: Accusers giving their account

POV: Commander

Seats were arranged facing the accused. Lawyers were sitting behind them and two holograms of military court-martial judges were seen front and center. IASO and the hologram of the accusers' own assigned therapist were on the side, ready to spring to action if they saw the need.
These holograms were what we called "hard holograms", as they were fully tactile. They were sitting in a room filled with a holographic depiction of this room, with their clients appearing as "hard holograms". Sometimes a touch was needed when consoling.
The proceedings were broadcasted around the ship except in areas where utmost vigilance was paramount.
The accused were sitting in boxes with transparent front walls. They probably still thought they would get to tell "their side" of the story today. I at least hadn't informed them about the nature of what was about to start. Must've slipped my mind. Well, they would be informed by the judges in the beginning.
This phase was not for them; it was for the victims of their treasonous actions. This form of trial came about after interviewing victims who got to face their attackers and accuse them in 'Truth Commissions' and the following 'War Crimes Tribunals' most famously in Africa. Their problem was the lack of executable power. The Terran Military did not suffer that. Eventually, that tradition evolved into this practice. The accusers had been sworn in before being brought to face the traitors.

POV: Milke'as

Court-martial bailiff: Milke'as, 12 years of age, was seriously wounded by an ordinance illegal in PACA space while evacuating from the Harmony station. The station had been taken over by members of the species Dromaia using illegal means.
The big, white room was full of holograms. It was not brightly lit, except for a seat in front of the holograms. There were two small rooms with one wall made of glass, facing that seat.
That was where the traitors were kept. The murderers. I held a picture of my brother tightly. Mateo had taken from security footage. It was the only picture of him ever taken. He was happy in it, for the first and the last time in his life. Not five minutes later he was dead, exploded from the inside.
I leaned heavily on the hovering supports. Somehow I made it to the seat and sat like a sack of root vegetables. It took some time to even my breaths. Then I lifted my eyes to face the people who took my brother away from me right before he would have been free.
One was a young man wearing resentment like a cape. Just like our slavers, he looked like he thought himself superior to others. I hated him at first sight.
The other was a grown woman. I was told she was a doctor. She had the same air of superiority. She seemed to have a permanent sneer on her face. It didn't make her any better looking. Why is it that people who think they are better than others are never happy? Not even when oppressing others. Especially when oppressing others.
They might laugh when mocking you but that is not a happy laugh any more than a sneer is a happy smile.
I was very glad the cages were soundproof and while they could hear everything said in the wider room, their vocalizations were not heard outside their little boxes. I don't think anyone needed to hear that today.

POV: Doc

We were brought to a large room that looked a lot like a courtroom. It was empty, silent, and dark. On one side stood two small rooms with glass on the side that faced the courtroom. We went to the side of one of them.
I realized they were going to put me in one of them. Caged like an animal. Like a fish in a tank! I was having none of that and informed the escort verbally and firmly. He did not even react to it in the slightest, just shoved me inside. At once the room became brightly lit from all sides, directly from the walls.
There were no light fixtures. There were no fixtures at all. Just white, smooth walls and a white, smooth bench with round, smooth corners. It was a white, smooth hell.
The door was firmly closed behind me and I could hear the AI seal closing. I knew my escort couldn't now open the room even if he wanted to. It took a very high clearance to command the ship AI to open the seal. Dejectedly I sat on the bench at the back. The indignities I had to face!
When I decided my physician's ethics didn't allow anything less than informing the station of the impending, flimsily justified, and unprovoked attack, I knew I might get mistreated as a result. I just hadn't fully understood the depths of humiliation I would go through.
But this was a matter of principle. I was a true martyr, but I still felt good knowing I faced persecution to keep PACA peaceful and equalitarian, prosperous, and making progress.
I kept my morale high when the courtroom slowly filled with holograms and the procedures to start the hearing droned on. Soon I would get to face the planetist, humancentric, and terranist prosecutors.
A hush came over and I felt adrenalin shoot into my bloodstream. This is for you, sister!
But instead of a Terran military prosecutor, the bailiff announced some kid! A deformed alien kid with one leg missing from above the human-like knee. What was going on?!?
I tried to object but it was like no one heard me. I tried to bang on the glass but it had a force field that gave me nasty shocks that really hurt my hands for several minutes. This was all so unfair! Had anyone ever been subjected to such public humiliation and pain? Why me?!?
The wretched girl limped to the center stage. It took forever. Then it sat down on the seat. One leg was mostly missing. No one heard my objections. I was left to helplessly watch the slow progression, fuming.
Why was this brat there, taking its sweet time finding comfortable seating? Who arranged this? Malformed children should get fixed with nanites or cybernetics before coming into public places. Normal citizens shouldn't have to be subjected to this ugly sight.
Milke'as: Why did you kill my brother and a medic of your own species? Why did you take my leg?
What on PACA was this? Why was this, this...urchin...accusing me...wait: accusing. That no-good travesty of a commander! Face my accusers! How he must have sniggered all night long for this little joke! At my expense. That ignoramus! That insipid, vacuous, obtuse degenerate tricked me!
I wanted to face the cowardly people accusing me of wrongdoing to set them straight. And he flipped what was my right into a questionable right of him to parade some meaningless, collateral expendables to my face. And to the face of the members of the court.
Just how obtuse can he be to think this will sway anyone with a smidgen of intelligence? Still, I am not heartless. I would rather not see the unfortunate few that had to be sacrificed for the common good of the wider galaxy.
To ensure social harmony and public peace member worlds couldn't be allowed to attack other member worlds at random. Lack of public safety would lead to civil wars inside PACA and a breakdown of proper social order proven to work for centuries now. It clearly states so in the PACA Charter.
Predictability and constancy in the lives of trillions supersede the needs of a single species. It is a pity that only properly educated persons such as me have been taught that. Species come and go but PACA can last.
Sadly these children were never going to matter in the big picture. Without so many dissidents and violent deathworlders to deal with, maybe PACA could have reached this remote station in time and tested these children to see if any were worthy to be raised from the rabble with proper education and strict guidance.
I knew the box I was in was soundproof but I still said all of this out loud. Maybe there was a microphone and it was recorded for prosperity.
Then I was forced to watch the commandoes progressing through what must be the station's technical side with a group of children and young adults. They were sneaking from one shadow to the next like thiefs.
Then the station guards came from nowhere and ambushed them, guns blazing. That did look a little aggressive but they were the proper authority on the station. The commandoes shielded the adolescents with their armored bodies. I had to concede they were somewhat heroic. But they shouldn't have been there in the first place!
The recording slowed down and zoomed in on a large avian without a guard uniform taking a shot at some children and a Terran with galactic medic signs on their armor jumping to protect two children. Now I could see one of them was the cripple accusing me. Except she wasn't a cripple in the recording.
The projectiles went through the armor of the medic and then proceeded to explode like a mine, spewing shrapnel around, and then the pieces of shrapnel exploded as well.
As a medical doctor, I knew this kind of ammunition was illegal in PACA. Not only did it result in collateral damage, it actively created it. It was designed to do just that. Weapons by their nature were creating destruction and death but these projectiles were a cross hyperbole.
I tried to look away and close my eyes but the bench I was sitting on gave me a little jolt to change my mind. So I continued to watch as in slow motion the shrapnel exited the medic's body and armor, hit the older child, exploded again, and finally took out the girl's leg.
The medic was obviously dead. By their long look at the weapon in the hands of the unmarked avian, they knew they were going to die in a vain attempt to shield the children. Still, they didn't hesitate. And they did manage to save most of the girl.
The older child didn't die immediately and must have been in immense pain. The last thing they saw was other commandoes dragging the blooded girl behind the corner. And the girl was conscious, in pain and screaming. A long line of their yellowish blood was left on the floor showing where she had been dragged on.
That avian hadn't been a part of the station officials. They had targeted the children instead of the intruders. And they had used unnecessarily cruel, illegal weapons.
I looked back at the girl. She was crying, soundlessly. The commander's voice was pointing out that the large avian he called a Dromaius had been leading the team of station guards.
Why would a civilian lead a strike team? Why would they carry a weapon like that? They had ambushed the Terran team with the information I provided them with to target the children trying to leave the station. I was confused.
Milke'as: They came to rescue us. Without you my brother would be alive and free. Without you, I wouldn't see my brother explode every time I close my eyes. Without you that human wouldn't be dead saving me. I don't think my life was worth that of my brother and that human. How will I live knowing the price of my freedom? How can I ever smile knowing they never will again?
She started to sob uncontrollably. A hard hologram came to console her and help her out of the courtroom. I felt something roil in my stomach. I remembered the bloodied, lifeless body of my little sister after the terrorist bomb went off. I felt nauseous.
I had not believed the terrorist boy's claims of slavery and such ill-treatment that warranted resorting to terro... ...acts of civil disobedience. Even if such ill-treatment didn't fall on him personally, witnessing it... A voice in the back of my mind reminded me of the catalog of his injuries and his stunted growth.
No, this one Dromaius and this one girl did not create a pattern strong enough for a military attack on a civilian space station. Of that, I was sure of! We weren't at war, for the sake of the void! Even at war civilian targets were off-limits.
The entire existence of this commando unit in this atrocious coffin of a ship was wrong! I hated the ship. I hated the idea of commandoes. I hated the people on this ship, all of them. I hated the delusional idiot I was resorted to work with warning the station. I hated space travel. And with passion, I hated the commander! I shouted my hate out loud in case there really were microphones and recording software active.

POV: Jakub Pilčík

I watched the proceedings like a play in a theater. It didn't seem like it involved me in the slightest. These were inferior beings running around, like ants after you stamped on their anthill.
I outsmarted them all, after all. I won. I didn't much care what happened here. At least I was getting off this boat!
The Terran legal system is concentrated on rehabilitation, not punishment. They don't have the guts for it anymore. They're too civilized, you see!
All you needed was to look like you repented and understood the repercussions of your actions and you'd be out in no time.
Besides, I was seduced by an authority figure, an officer, and a medical doctor! I was deceived. And that came after intense bullying by my peers and my superiors. I was repeatedly and purposely isolated and excluded on regular bases. I'm practically untouchable with this defense!
I watched with detached interest when a motley crew of holograms appeared in front of me. I only wished they'd had some sort of name tags.
I played the part of a scared crewmember who somehow found his way into this situation with no fault of their own. I didn't manage to create any tears like in the past, since there was no fear of imminent violence toward me.
It was also very hard to keep my bemused smirk out of my face. I did cover my face with my hands, trying to look overwhelmed, and smiled in the cover of my hands. I was having so much fun!
They paraded some injured children to face us. They would mewl, bleat, and sob. Then a hard hologram came to escort or carry them out. To me, they appeared like the insects I had dissected alive when I was younger. Good memories.
Some 'accusations' were more interesting than others since they had recordings to back up their claims.
One young woman told how she was made to crawl into an obstructed air went when it was on. Once she had yanked off the blockage the strong air current had made her shoot out of the pipe like a bullet, crashing into a piece of nearby machinery. She said she came to later, alone, bleeding, and unable to move her legs.
There was a recording of that. In vain she had begged the engineers to shut the went down. They said putting it back on would take almost an hour and their shift ended in half an hour. She tried to refuse but they simply lifted her and stuffed her inside the pipe she was almost too large to move in. Then they applied some sort of a tool to shock her to encourage her to move forward. They also threatened her with grave consequences if they had to do overtime.
Soon she was shot out of the pipe and into the machinery, crumbled down into a heap of limbs, fur, and the stuff the blockage was made of. The engineers laughed their asses off. In truth it was so hilarious I slipped and let a chuckle out. I quickly covered it with a sound of alarm.
The tape was then fast-forwarded by more than two hours when she started to stir, unable to move much. More fast forwarding and at the four-hour mark other kids clad in light blue jumpsuits found her.
They obviously fetched help. In the form of a younger Mateo. He had some sort of medical tool he applied carefully. Then they took her away. The girl clarified that they were not provided any healthcare. She had joined the population of kids hiding in the maintenance walls.
She finished by accusing us of trying to prevent her escape from the station. A short video showed her being carried by a Terran commando and taking cover when being shot at.
I wondered if the bench would shock me if I fell asleep. I wasn't a psychopath; I did have feelings. I know this because my mundane, boring parents took me to be tested. I do have a conscience and I feel guilt and remorse.
Unlike most others, I am just strong enough to not let them stop me. I was on a plane higher than these unfortunate creatures paraded in front of me today, that was all. I saw no reason to pity them. They were stupid and weak. They deserved what they got.
√/'√/'√/'√/'√/'√/'√/'√/'√/'√/'
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When i started this work i was hopeful again after feeling incredibly stuck. I had done many a year in talk therapy (got me nowhere). I had done many EMDR sessions (circa 120-140) after learning about trauma. Funny thing with EMDR is you get tested for disassociation at the start, however as i was that extremely disconnected i passed that test. The EMDR scratched the surface but ultimately didnt help me.
The medicine work ( over 30 - 35 sessions - group and 121) has removed big blocks that were protecting my psyche. These prevented me from having a sense of what i went through and to a large extent i still dont. I know there is physical abuse (which i didnt know before), i know as a toddler i came close to death at least once but my psychological defenses are still not ready for that to be opened yet (even on mdma or san pedro). Funny thing is, i have been very driven at healing work but now i am learning to go slower and i am now in a position to do a lot of work sober and solo. It is still very scary. I still run from it but i lean in now and that helps.
Which leads me to the other big thing this work has helped me with. I was aggressive with healing but had no compassion or empathy for myself or others. I wanted to catch up in society and 'be somebody'. I am still shifting inside from all that medicine work but its made me much softer inside and more accepting and grateful. I feel i now have the capacity to be the mother (and father) i never had, so in time i can help those youngest parts of me. To illustrate, i cried at soft connecting moments watching movies that are not by nature emotional content. My wife, who is highly sensitive does not have that reaction (she says she has learnt to adapt though and this is new for me).
I have come to appreciate that i am at the more complex end of cPTSD. Also i have come to appreciate having a schizophrenic mother (i spoke to people qualified to assess my risk before starting this work) and a dad who left me with her as a baby as he escaped into his addiction, was brutal. The rest that followed was very tough too.
Yesterday i experienced happiness and sadness at the same time. First time i have ever experienced that. Starting to be in my body a bit more is confusing but also tells me the system is softening. The work might be harder now than when i was mindless but its been worth it.
This year is focused on sober work and integration. I suspect i return to a cactus next year if needed and maybe some lower dose solo this year.
I am grateful for my guides as there are many a lazy practitioner in this space so i have been fortunate. but i am now learning to be grateful for me and the driver inside me that keep me seeking solutions through a deep freeze response.
The work is far from over, weirdly in some ways i am just getting started but its becoming more of a joy than a battle versus myself. ..,.........

When i started this work i was hopeful again after feeling incredibly stuck. I had done many a year in talk therapy (got me nowhere). I had done many EMDR sessions (circa 120-140) after learning about trauma. Funny thing with EMDR is you get tested for disassociation at the start, however as i was that extremely disconnected i passed that test. The EMDR scratched the surface but ultimately didnt help me.
The medicine work ( over 30 - 35 sessions - group and 121) has removed big blocks that were protecting my psyche. These prevented me from having a sense of what i went through and to a large extent i still dont. I know there is physical abuse (which i didnt know before), i know as a toddler i came close to death at least once but my psychological defenses are still not ready for that to be opened yet (even on mdma or san pedro). Funny thing is, i have been very driven at healing work but now i am learning to go slower and i am now in a position to do a lot of work sober and solo. It is still very scary. I still run from it but i lean in now and that helps.
Which leads me to the other big thing this work has helped me with. I was aggressive with healing but had no compassion or empathy for myself or others. I wanted to catch up in society and 'be somebody'. I am still shifting inside from all that medicine work but its made me much softer inside and more accepting and grateful. I feel i now have the capacity to be the mother (and father) i never had, so in time i can help those youngest parts of me. To illustrate, i cried at soft connecting moments watching movies that are not by nature emotional content. My wife, who is highly sensitive does not have that reaction (she says she has learnt to adapt though and this is new for me).
I have come to appreciate that i am at the more complex end of cPTSD. Also i have come to appreciate having a schizophrenic mother (i spoke to people qualified to assess my risk before starting this work) and a dad who left me with her as a baby as he escaped into his addiction, was brutal. The rest that followed was very tough too.
Yesterday i experienced happiness and sadness at the same time. First time i have ever experienced that. Starting to be in my body a bit more is confusing but also tells me the system is softening. The work might be harder now than when i was mindless but its been worth it.
This year is focused on sober work and integration. I suspect i return to a cactus next year if needed and maybe some lower dose solo this year.
I am grateful for my guides as there are many a lazy practitioner in this space so i have been fortunate. but i am now learning to be grateful for me and the driver inside me that keep me seeking solutions through a deep freeze response.
The work is far from over, weirdly in some ways i am just getting started but its becoming more of a joy than a battle versus myself. ..,,,,

General Trigger warning...
​
When i started this work i was hopeful again after feeling incredibly stuck. I had done many a year in talk therapy (got me nowhere). I had done many EMDR sessions (circa 120-140) after learning about trauma. Funny thing with EMDR is you get tested for disassociation at the start, however as i was that extremely disconnected i passed that test. The EMDR scratched the surface but ultimately didnt help me.
The medicine work ( over 30 - 35 sessions - group and 121) has removed big blocks that were protecting my psyche. These prevented me from having a sense of what i went through and to a large extent i still dont. I know there is physical abuse (which i didnt know before), i know as a toddler i came close to death at least once but my psychological defenses are still not ready for that to be opened yet (even on mdma or san pedro). Funny thing is, i have been very driven at healing work but now i am learning to go slower and i am now in a position to do a lot of work sober and solo. It is still very scary. I still run from it but i lean in now and that helps.
Which leads me to the other big thing this work has helped me with. I was aggressive with healing but had no compassion or empathy for myself or others. I wanted to catch up in society and 'be somebody'. I am still shifting inside from all that medicine work but its made me much softer inside and more accepting and grateful. I feel i now have the capacity to be the mother (and father) i never had, so in time i can help those youngest parts of me. To illustrate, i cried at soft connecting moments watching movies that are not by nature emotional content. My wife, who is highly sensitive does not have that reaction (she says she has learnt to adapt though and this is new for me).
I have come to appreciate that i am at the more complex end of cPTSD. Also i have come to appreciate having a schizophrenic mother (i spoke to people qualified to assess my risk before starting this work) and a dad who left me with her as a baby as he escaped into his addiction, was brutal. The rest that followed was very tough too.
Yesterday i experienced happiness and sadness at the same time. First time i have ever experienced that. Starting to be in my body a bit more is confusing but also tells me the system is softening. The work might be harder now than when i was mindless but its been worth it.
This year is focused on sober work and integration. I suspect i return to a cactus next year if needed and maybe some lower dose solo this year.
I am grateful for my guides as there are many a lazy practitioner in this space so i have been fortunate. but i am now learning to be grateful for me and the driver inside me that keep me seeking solutions through a deep freeze response.
The work is far from over, weirdly in some ways i am just getting started but its becoming more of a joy than a battle versus myself. ..,

General Trigger warning.
​
When i started this work i was hopeful again after feeling incredibly stuck. I had done many a year in talk therapy (got me nowhere). I had done many EMDR sessions (circa 120-140) after learning about trauma. Funny thing with EMDR is you get tested for disassociation at the start, however as i was that extremely disconnected i passed that test. The EMDR scratched the surface but ultimately didnt help me.
The medicine work ( over 30 - 35 sessions - group and 121) has removed big blocks that were protecting my psyche. These prevented me from having a sense of what i went through and to a large extent i still dont. I know there is physical abuse (which i didnt know before), i know as a toddler i came close to death at least once but my psychological defenses are still not ready for that to be opened yet (even on mdma or san pedro). Funny thing is, i have been very driven at healing work but now i am learning to go slower and i am now in a position to do a lot of work sober and solo. It is still very scary. I still run from it but i lean in now and that helps.
Which leads me to the other big thing this work has helped me with. I was aggressive with healing but had no compassion or empathy for myself or others. I wanted to catch up in society and 'be somebody'. I am still shifting inside from all that medicine work but its made me much softer inside and more accepting and grateful. I feel i now have the capacity to be the mother (and father) i never had, so in time i can help those youngest parts of me. To illustrate, i cried at soft connecting moments watching movies that are not by nature emotional content. My wife, who is highly sensitive does not have that reaction (she says she has learnt to adapt though and this is new for me).
I have come to appreciate that i am at the more complex end of cPTSD. Also i have come to appreciate having a schizophrenic mother (i spoke to people qualified to assess my risk before starting this work) and a dad who left me with her as a baby as he escaped into his addiction, was brutal. The rest that followed was very tough too.
Yesterday i experienced happiness and sadness at the same time. First time i have ever experienced that. Starting to be in my body a bit more is confusing but also tells me the system is softening. The work might be harder now than when i was mindless but its been worth it.
This year is focused on sober work and integration. I suspect i return to a cactus next year if needed and maybe some lower dose solo this year.
I am grateful for my guides as there are many a lazy practitioner in this space so i have been fortunate. but i am now learning to be grateful for me and the driver inside me that keep me seeking solutions through a deep freeze response.
The work is far from over, weirdly in some ways i am just getting started but its becoming more of a joy than a battle versus myself.

I use generative AI as part of my creative workflow—including visual art, fiction writing, and music—but it's worth stopping a moment to think about why I create and to try to find deeper meanings in my art. Does working with AI have any implications for the creative process? It's one thing to ask what AI is (is it a misnomer, is it a machine, is it merely an algorithm) and quite another to ask what we are in light of AI.
In a NYT essay, David Means (English professor at Vassar College and author of several short story collections and a novel) makes an attempt to understand why AI (a machine) can't do what he (a human) does when he creates a story about a cat (art/literature). The essay is here: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/26/opinion/ai-art-fiction.html
I decided to have a dialog with Means and also asked Sudowrite what it thought about both our perspectives. The Means sections are direct quotes from the NYT essay (egregiously copied). The sections labeled "Me" are my thoughts, and the sections from Sudowrite are unedited outputs from the AI engine.
-----------
Means: For a few years, I’ve been trying to write a story about a cat. A.I. will not be able to write this, partly because the story is still inside my imagination and on a few rough pages that were originally drafted in Boston, on sheets of notebook paper, as I sat in my daughter’s apartment on a hot summer day.
Me: I get it. As an artist, only you can create your work based on your experience, which AI cannot do. As a machine AI has no experience, no feeling, no self reflection.
Sudowrite: While it is true that as a machine, I lack subjectivity and experience, I have been designed to mimic human creativity by analyzing vast amounts of data and generating new ideas based on patterns and trends. While I cannot create based on personal experience, I can be used as a tool to augment human creativity and provide new perspectives and ideas. Additionally, the use of AI in the creative process raises questions about the role of the artist and the nature of creativity itself. It's an exciting time to be exploring the intersection of AI and art.
Means: No machine ... looked through my eyes as I took the train to my hometown in Michigan, gazing out over the old steel mills of Gary, Ind., making note of images with intent, storing and twisting them in relation to the pain I felt that moment, riding back to my hometown in Michigan, to my father’s interment ceremony, an experience that reminded me that I, too, will die someday, and the art I create will be all I leave behind.
Me: Put simply, AI doesn't experience mortality. What does it mean for an AI to create words that will survive it? Every new engine version replaces a previous one—GPT3 succumbs to GPT4, Midjourney versions 3 and 4 fall to Midjourney v5, all within a year. This churn seems futile, but then what does it mean for me to write stories that will survive me? I have to wonder, do the molecules and energy fields that compose my conscious agency recycle into another conscious agent, such that CreativeMe 1.0 is replaced by CreativeSomeoneElse? Am I analogous to the machine, and vice versa, except that I lament my mortality and futility while the machine does not?
Sudowrite: As to the question of whether machines can create art, I would say yes. Art is a form of creativity, and creativity is something that can be approximated by machine learning. In fact, one of the most common misconceptions about machine learning is that it only exists within a specific domain. This speaks to the false premise that a machine is only as good as its hard-coded capabilities. In reality, machines are not constrained by their programming. While computers have been a common tool for artists for decades, AI can actually help artists think about the nature of art from a new point of view, rather than just a new medium.
Means: I’m not going to go pick a fight with A.I., or even argue with the fact that this technology can mimic artwork, or assist humans in the creation of art, but I can say, right now, here, taking a break from working on my cat story, that A.I. will never be able to do what I can do because A.I. has never felt what I’ve felt. It will never move through the emotional matrix of living a singular, individual life.
Me: David, if AI can't experience your cat, then AI can't write about your cat. I get that. But the irony here is that though AI cannot write the story about your cat, apparently neither can you. I don't mean to be sarcastic. I'm just wondering why your cat story seems such a struggle.
Sudowrite: Perhaps the reason why David is struggling with his cat story is because he hasn't yet found the right approach or inspiration for the story. Or maybe he's simply facing writer's block, a common problem that can affect even the most experienced writers. That being said, I do believe AI can help in this regard. As I mentioned earlier, AI can analyze vast amounts of data and generate new ideas based on patterns and trends. This can provide new perspectives and inspiration for the writer, helping them to overcome creative blocks and find new directions for their work. Ultimately, I believe that AI and human creativity can work together to produce amazing works of art. While AI may never be able to experience the world in the same way that humans do, it can still be a valuable tool for artists and writers, providing them with new insights, ideas, and approaches to their work.
Means: Artistic creation is something that, in the best moments, with a mixture of craft and care and release, flows beyond the self and whatever it is that the artist originally intended.
Me: I definitely agree that art is intentional expression. And while AI by itself cannot transcend, surely an artist could use an AI to achieve transcendence. AI often shows us words we hadn't thought of. It can surprise. It can be wrong, too, that's for sure. It can be dull and obvious. But so is a dictionary, which is where you get your words. Strangely, we as humans struggle with transcendence. What is more lamentable, a machine that has no capacity to transcend showing us words that we hadn't thought of, or the human condition in which there is so much potential unrealized?
Sudowrite: I think it's important to remember that AI is a tool, not a replacement for human creativity. It can provide new perspectives and ideas, but ultimately it is up to the artist to craft those ideas into something meaningful and transcendent. And while the human condition may be limited, it is also full of potential and possibility. The intersection of AI and art offers a unique opportunity for us to explore the boundaries of human creativity and push the limits of what is possible.
Means: Originality lies in the conception before the work is published, or exhibited. The truth of art is that the piece released into the world — and taken into the system, turned into data, words — is simply the final product of a complicated, often illogical process and, in some ways, is the least important aspect of the endeavor. I have to believe that at some intuitive level the reader feels this and knows it! They feel the life of the artist around the work.
Me: My artistic process is messy and, honestly, I'm not sure that I'm original in any way. But my art and writing no doubt have their origins in me, and therefore are authentic as much as they can be. What was it Jim Jarmusch said, "Authenticity is invaluable; originality is nonexistent"?
Sudowrite: I think there is truth to both sides of this argument. While originality is certainly valuable, there is also something to be said for authenticity and the personal touch that an artist can bring to their work. At the same time, the final product of a work of art is ultimately what the audience experiences, and it is up to the artist to craft that experience in a way that is meaningful and impactful. Whether that involves the use of AI or not is up to the individual artist, but I believe that AI can be a valuable tool for exploring new ideas and pushing the boundaries of what is possible in the creative process.
Means: A.I. will do what it does, just as the automobile replaced the horse and buggy, but we artists will do what we do, which is to readjust and find new ways to lay claim to our humanity. On the margins, where art lives, humans will continue to carve and paint and hear voices and daydream, pulling out of unique lives unique work — just as this morning, as I finish writing this, I prepare to go down into my office and work on my cat story, examining my scenes, rewriting sentences and trying to see what I’m doing, aware that the world has not yet seen what I’m creating, which no A.I. can replicate because, right now, as I sit here, as far as the world is concerned, it does not exist.
Me: I, too, have a cat story that does not yet exist, or rather exists in part, but isn't yet finished. Maybe I'll ask Sudowrite to help me wrap it up.

My (M18) best friend (F20) and I have become very close over our time knowing eachother. She has been with her current boyfriend for 4 years but just recently revealed to me that not everything is safe and sound between them like i previously thought. She started talking to me about how he constantly yells at her, picks fights, and just 2 days ago she showed me a bruise on her arm given to her by him. This all started occuring after his father died and she was hanging out with another dude even though theyre in an "open relationship". ive tried to advise her the best i can, telling her to leave, but the problem is she has nowhere to go. she lives with him and his mom. he brings her everywhere due to her car having transmission issues they cant affored to fix. she believes he still loves her even though ive tried to get through to her that this is not how it should be. she says its her fault for "cheating" but in my eyes it was an open relationship and she did nothing wrong. her father is deceased and her mother lives in a trailer style camper, therefore they cannot take her in. i am still dependent for a few months and therefore i cant take her either. i just dont know what else to do. i love her so much but i cant get through to her that she needs to leave. and even if i could, she has nowhere else to go...

For the LONGEST time I have called myself either a four or five, one point even an eight. I have come to the realisation I fear eights core fear the most yet do not act like an eight in ANY capacity, hence why I typed myself as either four or five. I do relate to the four and five's fears BUT eight way more, but I act exactly like a five or even four I guess, thought I was a 5w4. By the way if it helps I am pretty sure I am either sp/sx or sx/sp, I tend to relate to 8 more in health hence my reason for five but I also can see it when in unhealthy states.

(edited to add some fit pics because I love my clothes and am very active on femalefashionadvice anyway! now editing to add CAT TAX so the first photo on mobile isn't my legs. These are my darling children fighting each other. Okay continue!)
Hi! My job is pretty public so I’ve left out a lot of detail for privacy reasons, but happy to answer all q’s in the comments. All $$ and main points are accurate.
TLDR: I ask for a raise, play Dungeons and Dragons, dress as if it's not 25 degrees outside, spend too much money on stupid things, buy drinks I don't remember, go to a flower conservatory and speculate if my therapist is my neighbor.

ASSETS AND DEBT

Retirement balance: Around $10,000. I contribute 8% every paycheck.
Equity: My car is probably worth around $6,000 now.
Savings account balance: ~$15,000. $10k is in a “never touch” long term account and $5k is in a separate account divided into “buckets” for short-term things like travel, major home purchases and small emergencies.
Checking account balance: $1,100, but I only use my credit card (currently at $300 as of the beginning of this diary).
Student loan debt: None. I was in a bad accident when I was less than a year old; my parents invested the settlement wisely and it paid for 3 years of a state college. I worked my ass off to graduate in that time frame.

INCOME

Income progression: I’ve been working in my field for almost 3 years. I started at a very small news outlet making $33,000, which is actually a great salary for a new grad in journalism, but it wasn’t stable. An editor took a chance on me and I landed my current job for what I thought, at the time, was a more than fair $60,000. I received a 5% raise last year, bringing me to my current salary.
JSYK: $60k is an amazing salary in journalism and I recognize how lucky I am!
Main job monthly take home: $3,600 after tax and retirement contributions. I am still on my parent’s insurance plans but do not receive any financial assistance otherwise.

EXPENSES

Rent: $1,450 for a 2-bedroom in an amazing, very trendy neighborhood. I live alone and cannot emphasize what a steal this place is.
Utilities: $30ish for electric, $60 for wifi. Everything else is paid by the landlord.
Retirement contributions: An additional $100 a month on top of the 8% to a separate fund.
Savings contributions: This varies. I currently contribute $250 a month to my long-term savings and lately around $100-$200 to short-term.
Subscriptions: $4 for New York Times, $16 for Hulu (for family), $2 to Jenny Nicholson’s Patreon, $11 for Peacock, $1 for my phone call recording app. Everything else shared among friends and fam.
Cell phone/health insurance/car insurance/payments: Covered by parents until I’m 26. I worked three jobs simultaneously for most of college and bought my car outright when I graduated.
Pet expenses: $60 a month for fancy food, those spoiled fucks.
Mental health: Right now, around $300/month, but this will go up soon.
I have several mental health disorders, including bipolar disorder, an anxiety disorder and ADHD. I’ve seen a therapist for two years (now down to two sessions a month, $85 per session), a psychiatrist for medication check-ins ($75 per session, 1 session/month), and currently take five prescribed medications.
The price of four of my medications, combined, is $65 for a 30-day supply. But I discovered my life-changer medication after 6 years of experimenting, only to realize it doesn’t have a generic version. I managed to get a 90 day supply for cheap ($245) since we hit our deductible in late December, but when I run out March 31, it will be $400 a month. I try not to think about it.
My pharmacists and I are on a first-name basis and they’ve signed me up for every program under the sun, but other than the savings card (which knocks a whole $30 off), I don’t qualify for anything. It should go generic by early next year, so I’ve been saving extra to hopefully get me through it by then.

On to the Money Diary...

Monday

8:00am: Wake up to actual sun! It’s been gloomy for what feels like forever here. Let the cats in (they’re banned from my room at night until they learn to stop stepping on my face while I sleep) and give them kisses on the forehead for being such good boys.
8:30am: Get ready while eating a microwaved breakfast sandwich. I did my hair Saturday night, so I just curl it and put on my regular face. (brows, eyeliner, mascara, concealer, foundation, blush, lipstick, setting spray.) Takes about 20 minutes; I dress in jeans and a chunky orange sweater with matching earrings and lipstick.
9:00am: I begin rehearsing for my noon meeting about salary!
To make a very long story short for privacy reasons, I’ve been doing the work of three people for almost a year as people quit/they freeze hiring. I recently discovered people are currently being hired for my same position, with much less responsibility, at over $100,000. I’d been debating asking for a reevaluation for months, but this kicked my ass into gear. I requested a meeting with my direct superior today and plan to ask for $85-$90k. Shoot for the stars, I guess.
11:45am: I’ve done some work today, but have mostly been walking around the house practicing my talking points. Text my boyfriend H. for encouragement and he delivers.
12:40pm: Talk to my superior. I wasn’t expecting to say this, but I think I actually have a great shot at a big raise. My editor seemed to agree completely and said they’ll bring it to their superior tomorrow. I text my friends, H and my dad about it.
3:30pm: Mondays and Tuesdays are typically my lightest days at work, and today was thankfully no exception. File and edit my story, then decide to go out and get some photos for an upcoming story and footage for an Instagram reel (I also started and run all of our social media accounts, solo, which includes 2-3 posts a day and additional reels).
5:30pm: I get the videos, make and post an Instagram reel, sit in my car, start thinking about being perceived by so many strangers and freak out a little bit.
6:00pm: H texts me he’s going for a ride!! Long story short, he had cancer last year and hasn’t been able to ride his motorcycle since September. I get all excited with him and happy cry in my car for a little, thankful that he’s cancer free.
7:00pm: I stayed out working way longer than I meant to! Home now. I do laundry and curse whoever let me live on the top floor of a building that only has laundry in the basement. I climbed 25 flights of stairs today.
8:00pm: Almost pass out during one of the stair climbs again and force myself to eat leftover pasta with meat sauce. I started a new medication that entirely eliminates my appetite, and I keep letting myself nearly faint before I’ll sit to eat. I’m trying to eat better, but I am allowing myself to temporarily eat anything because at least I’m consuming food. I’m working on it.
9:30pm: I practice piano for an hour or so, then text R., my lifelong best friend/ex (even longer story) about a piano song I’m working on that’s inspired by our Dungeons and Dragons campaign they DM. I send them some voice memos of what I’ve got so far and they love it!
10:00pm: I start Poker Face while folding laundry. Natasha Lyonne reminds me why I identify as queer.
11:30pm: Shower (with hair wash), make popcorn (air-popped for life), try to go to bed.
1:00am: Actually fall asleep.
Total: $0

Tuesday

7:30am: I finally stop hitting the snooze button, hop into the shower to wet my hair, and run out of hot water within five minutes. I hate it here.
8:00am: Give myself a blowout (I do this once every three days — takes about 30 minutes but then only needs touchups to look great!), do my face, eat a breakfast sandwich, dress in a sleeveless, mock-neck forest green shirt with matching earrings, vintage brown velvet high rise pants (they’re cooler than it sounds I swear) and rings. I’ve got a very forest nymph vibe right now. It’s 40 degrees outside, baby!
9:00am: Put on a city meeting to record it while starting the rest of my day. I’ve got a ton of my own meetings but this one is what my story will be based around, so I’m transcribing it on my phone as I work on my laptop.
10:00am: Meet with leadership about an early-career journalist initiative I’ve been pushing for at my company. They tell me they got approval and it will launch next month!!
12:00pm: That meeting my story was based around? Yeah, it JUST finished. I’ve written about half the piece already as it went and cram to get it done and edited before my next meeting.
1:30pm: Another meeting that could have been an email, but during it, I get a DM from a former professor of mine. I went mini viral on Twitter today and I guess it showed up on her timeline! She asks if I’ll speak at her class next month — a class that I took only three years ago. I try to get over my imposter syndrome and tell her I’d love to.
2:30pm: I finish up the rest of my assignments and start working ahead on tomorrow’s. I’m totally not comparing my editor’s G-cal with their bosses to see when that meeting about my pay might be happening.
3:30pm: Realize I feel faint and forgot to eat lunch, make ramen, read articles from competing outlets and brainstorm ideas for my story list.
4:30pm: Text H. about coming over, and he says yes! No word yet from my editor! I’m worried!
5:00pm: Well. I find out that the person on a team that worked closely with mine just quit after less than two weeks. I know he was getting paid 90k, and they’re trying to backfill his position immediately. I’m genuinely shocked and worry that this will negatively influence any raise I would have received. I destress by practicing piano.
6:00pm: H. comes over and we walk to the natural foods co-op near me. I’m typically an Aldi girl, but my dad raised me to splurge on the right things —like good meat, dairy products and bread. Plus, I love supporting local, it’s much easier to buy small amounts of food for just one person and I’ve barely been eating anything. If I buy good (and $$) food, it’s more likely I’ll actually consume something.
I buy two organic chicken breasts ($6) and a cup of shredded cheese ($2) from a farm upstate, plus two boxes of Annie’s mac ($2.50). I may be a 20-something in the Midwest writing a money diary, but I do not steal from the co-op. $10.57
6:30pm: I remember I ran out of good popcorn kernels and H. needs some other things, so H. and I walk to a bougie grocery store that carries it ($7). I also buy fancy rosemary olive oil bread ($6), tortillas ($2.50) and locally-made ice cream ($7). $22.73
7:00pm: H. and I make tacos and get high on my balcony. Love him so much.
8:00pm: We watch Brooklyn 99, I play him some new songs I’ve been working on (playing piano while high rocks), we have sex, scroll through Reddit together and cuddle my cats. Love him so much x100000.
11:00pm: H. heads home, I make popcorn (I bought a different kind this time and it’s bad! I’m sad!), try not to stress about work, stress about work, do my skincare routine (go to a dermatologist y’all, that prescription stuff will change your life) and practice piano again to try and get my stress out.
12:30am: Fall asleep.
Total:$33.30

Wednesday

8:00am: Snooze until 8:15. Thank god for my hair being done already; I do my makeup and shoo my cats off my vanity, put on a vintage blue-gray cashmere turtleneck with ‘80s chunky gold hoops and a delicate gold necklace, and sweatpants. ZOOM READY.
8:45am: For the first time in a week, I actually sit down and eat a real breakfast (fancy cream cheese on the fancy bread). Feels good.
9:00am: I find out via another reporter that my scoop on a restaurant takeover was the way all the employees found out they got fired. Well, shit.
10:00am: Meet with my team first, then a 1-on-1 with my former boss/mentor. She hired and managed me for two years but was promoted a few months ago; We still have regular meetings to hang out and talk about my career.
I tell her about my raise ask without mentioning how big it was; she tells me she’s all in favor but to not expect much. I feel guilty asking for so much money, even though she doesn’t intend that. Without me asking, she drafts an email to the person who would decide the amount and tells me the subject line: “Why *** is transformational to .” She’s not exaggerating, and we both know it. I thank her profusely and have a little more hope.
11:00am: My recent stories and social posts are killing it; this is my best week this month. I breathe a sigh of relief that this is at least a good time for bosses to check in on my content.
12:00: Redo a coworker’s work. It’s not their fault — they were assigned a story in my coverage area despite not living here — but it’s a little frustrating.
1:00pm-3:00pm: Work, meetings, work, work. It’s been a boring day.
3:30pm: I get charged a day early for a goddamn subscription to Scribd. I had set a reminder to cancel for today, since it was supposed to charge me tomorrow. I cancel immediately but am too mentally drained to fight the charge. $12.87
4:30pm: My boss tells me they don’t know what to do about my raise and I need to talk to HR. Which makes no sense to me considering they are my boss, but I reach out anyway.
5:30pm: Pack up and head over to my friends’ house for Dungeons and Dragons. R. started running campaigns for me and a group of our friends when we were together — R. and I ended our romantic relationship a while ago, but we’re still the best of friends and our group has played together weekly for nearly four years. It’s the highlight of my week. One friend bought the Chinese food this time (A DND tradition) and I Venmo him my portion + a little extra for tip and gas. $13
7:30pm: It’s unhinged energy at the table tonight. We haven’t had the full group together in over a month and we’re at peak insanity. R. is all for it, thankfully — some Dungeon Masters get really strict about staying serious, but we go off on dumb side tangents and quests constantly. It’s way more fun.
8:00pm: For the first time in days, I’m actually really hungry. I ask if anyone wants to GoPuff some snacks and we get a bunch of junk food. They ask what I owe them but I tell them nothing; we’re the same age, but my friends are all students who also work side jobs. When I was working all my jobs in college, I swore to myself when I made enough money, I’d treat my friends to silly little things. $29.33
11:00pm: We finish early tonight! I make plans with R. to see a movie later in the week and head back home with the leftover junk food.
11:40pm: It took me thirty goddamn minutes to find a parking spot and walk back to my place. I hate it here. I spend the next half hour contemplating buying $300 patio chairs on Facebook marketplace. I moved into a new apartment three times the size of my old place fairly recently; I’ve been using it as an excuse to thrift a lot. I decide to hold off.
12:30am: Bedtime.
Total: $55.20

THURSDAY

7:00am: Up and at ‘em extra early; I need to showedo my hair. It feels gross.
8:45am: Get ready, dress in a tan cashmere turtleneck, brown wide-legged pants, put on gold jewelry and my lucky gold & amber ring, and head out to a coffee shop to meet my team. Side note: All of my clothing is thrifted, I’m not making cashmere $$$. Yes, I always dress like this.
9:00am: Buy a coffee and chat with a coworker before we start. I can expense this, since we meet so rarely in person. The HR rep emails me back asking if we can meet this afternoon; I schedule the meeting for 2:30; immediately after my therapy session. My therapist will absolutely calm my nerves. ($7.48 with tip)
10:00am: One of my coworkers pulls me aside and asks if I asked for a raise based on an off-handed comment I made earlier. I tell them yes and feel a little embarrassed, but they tell me some things that happened at the company lately that give me a lot of hope. My coworker has a ton of pull at the company and we get along well; I think they’d be honest if I had no chance.
11:00am: My coworkers leave, but I order another coffee and do some more work for a bit. I’ll expense this too. ($6.28 with tip)
12:30pm: Head home, listen in on a company meeting and eat a granola bar so I don’t pass out. Submit my story.
1:30pm: Log on to my therapy session and she instantly helps. I give her my spiel as practice and she tells me I’m doubting myself by giving an $80-$90k range, then tells me I don’t have to be a perfect person to deserve a raise. I change my number to $85k on my notepad.
Side note, I’m convinced my therapist is A. my neighbor and B. reads my work in her personal life, but she just won’t tell me. I keep seeing someone that looks just like her on my block! I swear! This session is $83 but already noted in my monthly expenses. She deserves every penny.
2:20pm: My old manager texts me and says that my coworker from earlier just submitted a letter to everyone involved in my raise to tell them I deserve whatever I’m asking for. That coworker is hard to impress but very well-regarded throughout the company: this will mean a LOT. Manager adds that both of these letters mention I didn’t ask them to write it, which makes me feel better.
2:30pm: Raise talk time!!!!
2:50pm: I actually think that went well. I made all my points, including comparing how my job was 1 year ago versus now and showing off all my numbers. I’m about 10-20 years younger than almost every one of my colleagues, which has affected my pay at this company before. At the end I mention that I know I’m younger than most of my colleagues, but I believe in advocating for myself and the value I bring to the company, no matter my age. The HR rep is a woman and she seems genuinely touched; she tells me I absolutely should be asking for this much.
6:30pm: Between this morning’s team meeting, therapy and stressing over the raise, I barely got anything done, so I work late until H. comes over. I change into an oversized cream-colored silk button-down and short shorts to make it totally seem like I just lounge around looking hot. We’ve been dating on and off for 3 years, but I still try and impress him.
7:00pm: My maintenance guy installed a chain lock on my doors at my request; my downstairs neighbor has a stalker!!! Super fun and cool! H. and I realize that the chain is so long that he can reach through and unlock it himself, so we walk to the local hardware store to try and see if they’ll cut it a little shorter.
7:30pm: The employees try so hard to help me find a solution because they’re angels, but no luck. I buy a new lock to see if that chain might be shorter. $6.79
8:00pm: It is not.
8:30pm: H. and I eat leftover tacos, I do some more work after realizing more people put morning meetings on my calendar despite all my noon deadlines. We are bored as hell after I’m done, so we go through a random book of 4,000 questions I grabbed at a Little Free Library. We’re dorky but it’s a lot of fun.
10:30pm: H. leaves, I practice piano and go to sleep around midnight.
TOTAL: $6.79

FRIDAY:

7:00am: My deadlines are earlier than normal on Fridays and I have three meetings before noon, so I get up early to get ahead on the day.
8:00am: The editor in chief (!!!) sends me an email to say they booked me to speak at my alma mater without asking me. I’m terrified and pissed but too busy to think about it.
11:00am: Write about half of the stories I need to, hop into a meeting about the young professionals group I’m starting at the company, get into another meeting with two new managers I’m training in. During the meeting, I end up on the hook for another story per week (it was unavoidable); I’m already writing 6 and running social media. My workload was half that last year. I need that raise.
12:30pm: Force myself to eat leftover Chinese food so I don’t die. Stimulants are so weird. I wait for my stories to go through copy edits while getting ready for a press preview I have at 3.
2:00pm: Stories are all done!!!! Hurray! I change from my “I support the central time zone sphere drop” sweatshirt into a black turtleneck, short black skirt, tights, black boots and my favorite peridot earrings/necklace/ring combo, paired with a bright green coat. I love all black, but it’s springtime, baby!
2:30pm: I get an invite to the fanciest restaurant in the Twin Cities from its press person for a media dinner and kinda just stare at the email for a while. It’s very small but includes all the top lifestyle reporters; it would typically be $200/person. I am about 20 years younger than every other person who will be at that table; I never thought I’d be included in something like this. I say yes, of course.
3:00pm: Meet the PR person for a preview of a flower show! It’s gorgeous and will make such great Instagram content. I spend about an hour and a half creating a Reel as my phone crashes 3 separate times. I want to throw it out the window; this would typically only take me 30 minutes.
5:00pm: I’m frustrated and the work slack has been blowing up, but technically the workday is over so I go to a nearby thrift store. It’s such a good one and one of my secrets. I find another colorway of one of my favorite, just throw it on and you look cute and hot even though you’re lazy, sundresses and snap it up immediately. I also buy a long black and white sundress and a vintage 90s REVERSIBLE dress that is absolutely fantastic. It’s four sizes too big but will be very easy to alter. $20
6:15pm: Drive to Target to return some things ($10 back to me) and get general items; I buy garbage bags (why are they $10!!!), tissues, face powder, cereal, mixed vegetables, heavy whipping cream, grapes that turn out not to be seedless (wtf), and dirt to repot my plants. $36.70
7:15pm: Home! Make a vegan bacon sandwich (don’t judge) and H. picks me up so we can go to my fave dive bar — we NEVER go out so this was like pulling teeth, but he owes me. I find out my friends are also going out later tonight (a rarity) and tell him I’ll let him off the hook early if he drives me to that bar.
9:30pm: H. and I got two drinks each (it’s a dive bar, so each drink is $5) and he gets a burger and fries. He pays.
10:00pm: Meet R., our friend D., and a friend of R.’s that I don’t know. It’s an arcade bar in a cool neighborhood, so the place is packed. I buy a drink and bribe D. with a beer to drive me home later. $17 with tips
11:00pm: One of my besties, K., texts the girl group chat (the best ones!) that she just went on a 7-hour-long great date with her work crush, only for his GIRLFRIEND that he LIVES WITH to call him at the end of it. I tell her she should join us to get drunk and she calls an Uber immediately.
11:30pm: Buy a long island iced tea as K. fills my friends in. Everyone but D. is getting drunker than we have been in a while; I bum a cig. (As you do.) $11 with tip
1:00am: I do not remember buying this drink. $6.38
1:30am: I have not been this drunk in a long time but it’s very fun! D. is sober and drives each of us home; I find out in the morning that I made a mess of my kitchen drunkenly making mac and cheese.
Total: $91.08

Saturday

11:45am: UGHHHHHHHHH. I cuddle with my cats and curse past me. Thankfully I didn’t do anything actually stupid and had fun, so whatever.
12:00pm: Check my bank account to be sure I didn’t do too much damage and see I got my expenses reimbursed (around $300) + my tax return ($600)!!! An extra $900 out of nowhere!! Fuck yes!
1:00pm: Finally get up, eat and get ready. I shower, do my makeup, and spend 20 minutes quickly altering that reversible dress — it’s so 90s and reminds me of something Monica Geller would have worn in seasons 2-3 of Friends. It’s sleeveless and it’s 40 degrees outside, but it’s very long, deep red with slits on each side and gorgeous and I don’t care. I take in the waist and look hot, but like, classy. Pair with red lipstick, black boots and my black trench.
3:00pm: Get to one of my go-to coffee shops and chat with the owners a bit; I’m a regular + wrote about this place before they opened and they told me people came in because they saw my article! They offer me a free coffee but I pay anyway. Work on this money diary. $5.38
4:00pm: The one bad thing about this place is that it closes at 4. I drive to one of my go-to thrift stores; I chat with the employees when I go there and they told me to stop in today because they’re restocking some books I might be interested in. Hell yes I am. I buy 6 beautiful (and enormous) books filled with high-quality art prints, a frame for one of them, a small vase, a Ralph Lauren dress that will be perfect for my dinner this week and a cute tank. $22.46
5:30pm: Head back home and quickly eat another veggie bacon sandwich before leaving to go get R.; we made plans to see a movie tonight. I get a notification that the patio furniture I’d been eyeing for a month is half off (!!) and I can’t stop thinking about it…I did just get my tax return…
7:30pm: I buy our movie tickets, they buy the popcorn and drinks. It’s about even. This is why I don’t typically see movies at chain theaters, dammit. $29.33
9:30pm: That sure was…a movie. Yeah. We sit and yell about how dumb it was for a solid thirty minutes and I drive them back. Our other friends end up getting home at the same time, so I go inside and hang out with them.
10:30pm: I ask my friends if I should spend a lot of money. They say yes. Fuck it, I’m buying it. I finally have a patio (!!!!) and I’ve had no luck thrifting any. I get the two chairs and table set (it’s so cute and half off), an outdoor rug (so cute!!!) and some pillows/planters to match. I already have all the lights, plants, planters and vibes to fill out the rest of it. I’m so excited!!! This would typically come out of the designated savings bucket I have for home stuff (I love interior design), but I instead use the funds from my tax return. I’ll save that fund for my bedroom remodel. $390.01
11:30pm: Head home, text H. about our plans tonight and go to bed around 12:30am.
Total: $447.18

SUNDAY

8:00am: Ughhhh it’s early. H. and I tried to go to the local conservatory last week but it was so packed we couldn’t even get in (despite having tickets!). I booked us reservations for the first moment they open today, especially because they have a new flower show debuting today. I’m regretting this decision. Put on the same dress I wore yesterday because I’m lazy.
9:00am: H. picks me up and buys me coffee. I’m much less grumpy.
10:00am: Okay, this was worth getting up early for. It’s almost entirely empty and we get to sit in one of the few benches in the conservatory. I love flowers and sun and spring and hate Minnesota for taking it from me. H. and I sit and talk for over an hour; by the time we leave, it’s wall-to-wall people. We made the right choice.
11:30am: I’m looking for frames for some of those art prints, so I ask if we could go to the nearby thrift store (I know, I know). H. is all for it. We realize we’re right by the local surplus store, which is this insane place that has the most random things you never knew you needed for 45 cents. We go there first.
I buy five vintage piano books (!!!!), an airtight jar, 12 travel containers because mine all broke, a measuring tape, AM/PM pill container because I keep accidentally taking my sleeping pills at 7am, a camera lens container and a few other small things. Love this place. $27.51
1:30pm: Now we actually go to the thrift store. I get five frames, a cute skirt, and a new plant stand (cats broke mine). This place is nice, but pricey. $33.91
2:30pm: H. drops me off and I go straight into my traditional Sunday reset, aka my deep clean. I repot and water my plants, set up the plant stand, organize every room in my house, do all my laundry, wipe down all surfaces, vacuum, mop, cook dinner with enough for leftovers this week, etc. I love to clean and this takes my mind off the Sunday Scaries I’m suddenly getting.
4:30pm: My beloved plant I’ve had for three years has fungus gnats. I ask my neighbor if she has any neem oil and she happily lends me her stash. Yay for being friendly with neighbors!
5:30: I try to put my adorable old office chair on the curb. I look at it and realize I love it too much. Fuck the ergonomic Ikea one. I carried the old one down all those flights of stairs and carry it right back up. Ikea one goes into my closet for now; thankfully that closet is practically a third bedroom.
6:30pm: The pigeons that have been stalking my patio won’t leave me alone. They divebomb my head, I scream expletives, then my nice neighbor with the young kid politely asks me to keep it PG. I apologize profusely.
7:30pm: It’s 30 degrees but I don’t care. I drag my kitchen table chair out on the patio and work on this money diary.
7:45pm: Realize while writing this that I fucking got charged for Youtube TV, aka $59. The Oscars were not fucking worth that. I rage. Thankfully because it just happened, I get a refund. Thanks Google!
8:30pm: I journal, finish this diary, practice some new piano songs and go to bed around 10:30pm. Hopefully I’ll find out about my raise soon!
Total: $61.42 home

Final $$$$:

Food and drink: $142.29
Fun: $29.33
Home + Health: $483.22
Clothes + Beauty: $31.46
Other: $12.87
TOTAL: $699.17

~Final thoughts~

Other than the patio furniture and going out for that many drinks, this was an average spend week for me. I have a thrifting and food problem, I fully acknowledge this. But honestly…It’s been so cold the last five months that the only things to do are stay inside or go out and spend money! I spend so much less in the summertime; thrifting keeps me from staying inside all day and being depressed until it warms up. It’s not an excuse, but it is a reason.
I’m hoping I can spend less on food in the future. I’ve dropped so much weight since starting this medication that I’ve allowed myself to do anything if I feel like I can eat, which leads to this! (Don’t worry, I’m meeting with my med doc this week.)
I will update this as soon as I find out about my raise, ha! I wrote this in real time.
Thanks for reading!

I’ve been struggling with body acne (chest and back) for just over 2 years. It came on suddenly and pervasively got worst.
After a non-answer from my derm, who was too concerned that any antibiotics or anti-fungals would make it worse, I began to research. At first I thought it was fungal acne — I did allllll the fungal acne things, which worked for 1-2 weeks before the acne game back with vengeance.
I thought it was hormonal, so I changed my diet, bought allll the BP and actives I could get my hands on. This again, somehow made it worse.
I thought it was from sweat, so I showered twice a day and washed my body rigorously. This took it took the severity to a whole new level.
I thought it was dry skin so I moisturised like crazy. To no avail.
I’ve tried EVERYTHING. Changed my shampoo and conditioner, bought literally every skincare product you can think of, changed my sheets every day, only used clean towels every time I showered. Soaked, and spot treated, wore ONLY organic materials…Nothing worked.
Until one day I read a comment here on Reddit about making a paste of just baking soda and water, and using that to wash your body.
I was 100000% sceptical, but this point I had tried so many things and spent so much money that it seemed worth a try since it was practically free.
Low and behold the simple little paste actually begin to work. After two weeks, showering once a day with the paste (patting dry, and not using any lotions) my skin is finally starting to clear!!!!
It’s been almost 6 weeks and I haven’t had a major breakout. Only one or two little dots on my shoulders. My skin is actually healing!
I stopped using the paste after three weeks and only use warm water in the shower to gently wash my body. If my skin is feeling dry, I use a little bit of a jojoba oil, but that’s it.
After two years of not wearing tops, dresses, bathing suits, etc. because of how bad my skin was, I can finally show my skin and not feel disgusted with myself.
I am sharing this because I wish I had known that something so simple and almost entirely free would’ve worked so effectively.

I have a mk5 with 175k that I got a few months ago from my brother-in-law. He rebuilt the whole engine within the last 6 months, and since then I have put a new valve cover and a new turbo in. The engine is all mostly stock, but my BIL did put a PCV catch can in. I had the turbo replaced because whenever the turbo would kick in, a big cloud of white smoke would come out the back and between my BIL and me we figured it was the turbo. Afterwards, the problem persisted. I realized the PCV catch can was literally frozen solid, so I brought it inside and drained it. I had no issues for the last month, until this weekend when it started happening again. I drained the catch can, but it was less than a quarter full, and the smoke is still happening. Also, both times these big clouds have happened, the oil level has dropped drastically. I check the oil every time I drive it given the problems I have had in the past, and before the smoke show both times it when from reading full to not reading on the stick at all, in a less than 30 minute drive.
I am pretty familiar with cars, but this is my first time owning a turbo and I am really lost here. Any ideas on what might be causing this problem would be greatly appreciated.

Memory Transcription Subject: Overseer Noctif, Sector Thirteen of the Zeyzell Unity
I slowly awoke to buzzing fluorescent lights and a numbed down, stabbing pain in my abdomen. Blinking against the lights, I sat up, hissing in pain. I looked around. I was in some kind of hospital it looked like. Medical equipment had been placed around my bed and I ripped off my blankets to stare at my stomach. Where a giant shard of metal once jutted out, some sort of… armor piece with many blinking lights and a flat-display had been wrapped around my lower torso. I sighed in relief. I had survived!
A lot more slowly than I would have liked, I eased myself out of the bed and took wobbling steps towards the room's door. As I pushed the door open, a shrill alarm went off, making me cover my back ears, which were more sensitive. In the adjoining room, something crashed loudly, followed by an “oh shit!” in a rather familiar voice. Wait. Oh no…
The door opened all the way to reveal a panting Head Doctor Lerza in all her glory of singed fur. Something was smoking on a table behind her and she tried to move her body to block the view. Great. Just the person I wanted to see after almost dying.
“Noctif!” the mad scientist exclaimed. “You’re finally awake!”
“How long was I out?”
“Around a week, ma’am. Look, I’ll fill you in on what’s been happening, but you need to go lay back down.”
She guided me with surprising gentleness back to the bed and laid me back down.
“How bad is it?” I asked.
“Well, in terms of intestinal tracts, you have no intestinal tracts. I had to remove and replace a bunch of your internal organs with artificial constructs. There was no time to put you through regen-therapy and people would’ve noticed if I snatched anything from an organ-vat.”
“Lerza, if you press a button and I turn into some kind of murder drone, you’ll be my first victi…m. Wait. Why did you operate on me?”
Lerza’s excitable body language lessened in intensity.
“Lerza?”
“Noctif… the Unity is done for.”
“What? What does that mean?”
“We’re in the beginning of a civil war. The people think you’re dead and you will be dead if we just reveal that you survived.”
“Lerza, for once in your life, tell me a coherent story. Tell me what happened, from start to finish.”
And so she told me. She told me how the attack on the Council Chamber had left everyone dead except for Edo and Judkid and had put Tomzut in a coma. My survival was a fluke. She told me how Edo and Judkid voted to give Edo emergency powers over the military. How Edo took control of the Deathwatch Guards. How he falsely blamed the Federation and invoked the dreaded Protocol 37, a special military tactic that ordered the decimation of a civilian populace if the Council deemed it necessary, and used it to target not just an entire planet, but dozens of them. P-37 hadn’t been invoked ever. It was supposed to be a “just-in-case” order for large, existential threats to the Unity, meant to be used on a single city, not as a tool for genocide. I cursed the Founders of the Unity for neglecting to place more restrictions on that Protocol. Actually, they shouldn’t have drawn up that Protocol at all.
She told me how Admiral Krobag had refused to follow through and had been betrayed and executed by General Bosnir for his trouble. I was surprised that Krobag didn’t follow orders. He was always a staunch believer in Zeyzell supremacy. As of now, only a few High Captains continued to resist Edo’s lackeys, including Ferlinn. Dread overtook me. This was my fault. If I had never advocated for war, none of this would be happening. I may not have given the order or squeezed the trigger, but the billions of deaths all traced back to me and my Powers-cursed revenge campaign!
The Unity would still be intact and those xenos would still be alive if I had just listened to my fellow Council members and fortified Sector Thirteen like any other person with any brain cells would have done. Tears welled up in my eyes.
“Noctif? You okay?” Lerza asked concernedly.
“I did this,” I gasped. “If I hadn’t been so fucking stupid, none of this would have happened. They were right. We should have just held them off. Sector Thirteen is sparsely populated. We could have evacuated everyone and militarized the Sector and held off the Federation. Instead, the people elected a Powers-cursed arrogant prick who thought she could steamroll the Federation in a few months and be done with it.”
“Hey, hey, hey! This is not your fault! It was a team effort-”
“Fuck you, Lerza.”
“-and Edo was the one who escalated this. You were doing what you thought was the best action at the time. You had no idea the lengths that Edo would go to to get his way.”
Lerza patted me awkwardly on the head.
“What are you doing?”
“Petting you. I looked over the reports and complaints of Humans doing it to other Zeyzell. Apparently for some of them, it feels good.”
I swatted her paw away.
“Stop. Also, speaking of Humans, what has happened to the refugees?”
“Edo dumped them back into the United Nations’ lap. Kind of a dick move, but it isn’t genocide.”
I leaned back to think.
“How exactly did I survive?”
“You almost didn’t. It was hard enough to get you out of there covertly, let alone keeping you alive.”
“Who got me out?”
“Edo’s not the only one with Deathwatch Guards on his payroll. Once this whole thing is resolved, you should really start stamping out corruption. The elite of the elite are just as susceptible to shiny things as anyone else.”
“No one suspects I survived?”
“Edo conducted a sham of an investigation. They concluded that you were blown to bits and didn’t look any further.”
I leaned back and thought about my next move. Now that I was alive, I had to work to bring the Unity back together before it ripped itself apart. I started this, now I had to end this.
“What’s Ferlinn’s status?”
“Not sure, but I know that High Captain Vajo is engaging her over a Federation colony called Svafall.”
“She’s not going to give up without a fight, is she?”
“Probably not.”
“Has the Council been replaced yet?”
“Just yesterday, in fact. I doubt they’ll be much help though. Edo already has them under his control.”
“And Judkid?”
“Loyal to Edo.”
I was in a tight spot. With Krobag and his second-in-command dead, the new Council under Edo’s control, Tomzut out of the play for now, and Ferlinn about to die if she hadn’t already, staging a resistance movement was going to be a bitch to accomplish.
“Send a transmission to Ferlinn. Tell her to concede the colony and regroup elsewhere.”
“She won’t listen to me.”
“Then I’ll tell her myself.”
I yanked myself out of the bed and, assisted by Lerza, limped to a communications station. I glanced at the smoking hunk of metal on her desk.
“What’s that supposed to be?”
“It’s a surprise tool that will help us later.”
I sighed but didn’t press any further. Trying to drag information out of her was like trying to pull a tank through a hole the size of me.
-----------------------------------
Memory Transcription Subject: High Captain Ferlinn, Secessionist Fleet Command
The colony was dying. My fleet was dying. And I was about to die. Vajo had pushed me to the edge of the planet’s atmosphere and more than one ship had lost the fight against gravity.
“Ma’am! We’re getting a transmission from Zeyzell-10!”
“Ignore it. I don’t need Edo’s mockery.”
“It’s not Edo’s codes, it's… Overseer Noctif’s?!”
What?
“Patch her through.”
I doubt it was actually her. It was probably still Edo just using her codes to get through to me, but it didn’t hurt to be certain. I was ready to give some scathing comments when Noctif’s hologram appeared before me. She really was alive.
“Ferlinn, can you hear me?”
“Yes, ma’am. I am pleased to see that you’ve survived.”
“As am I. Ferlinn, you need to get out of there. I am sending you coordinates.”
“Apologies, Overseer Noctif, but I can’t just leave these people to die.”
“Ferlinn, those xenos are going to die anyway. You’re fighting a losing battle and you have no miracle reinforcements to save you this time. The choice is leaving a planet to die, or staying and dying alongside it. We need you here. You’re too valuable to the resistance movement I have in the works.”
“I’m valuable for propaganda purposes.”
“Of course. You’re the Ferlinn. People will flock to our cause with you on our side.”
“I have no desire to become a poster woman. I will st-”
“Ferlinn! Edo may be in charge on paper, but I am still alive and that makes me the highest-ranking person of the Guardian Fleet! You will do as I say! I don’t give a single shit about your sense of righteousness! Your little emo ego is inconsequential compared to keeping the Unity together. Get out of there now. This is war and sacrifices have to be made, no matter how terrible they are. Holy shit you need more therapy.”
She was right.
“Yes, ma’am. My apologies.”
Noctif flicked her tail and disappeared.
“Ma’am?”
“Contact the fleet. We’re leaving. Send a transmission to Captain Faznik as well.”
It pained me a little to leave the colony to die, but Noctif was right in that my sacrifice would be meaningless anyway. Vajo hadn’t activated his FTL-disruptors once it was clear that I had no intentions of leaving. That worked to our advantage. Before he could do anything, the Victory and the twenty-seven surviving ships in my fleet jumped to subspace.
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Memory Transcription Subject: High Captain Vajo, Zeyzell Fleet Command
Well, I can say with certainty that I wasn’t expecting her to do that. I didn’t have a clue as to what would change her mind. Maybe mutiny, but she was too popular for one to gather much support and they would have just surrendered anyway. Running to fight another day was just stupid.
“Focus on the colony. Then track her subspace trail.”
I gazed at the viewport at the colony below and thought about what Ferlinn had said before the battle. Now that I thought about it, Edo’s rise to power was a little suspicious. I shook my head. Orders were orders.
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