Finding this subreddit has been so therapeutic and validating for me. I’m 26, married to the love of my life (32M) with the most amazing 5yo stepdaughter.
Reading all of your stories has inspired me to sit down and type out my own. I must warn you, there are times when I am the villain. Buckle up. This is a small novel.
If we start at the very beginning, my DH began dating HCBM (33) when they were very young in their early 20s. Shortly into their relationship it became clear to DH that she was struggling with very severe alcoholism. I cannot even begin to write out all of the stories I have heard from DH about her alcoholism. He was very young, didn’t have a positive model for a healthy relationship as a child. He believed he could help HCBM. They were extremely on and off together for almost 7 years. Every time he’d try to break up with her she would weasel her way back in. She would go as far as showing up at his family events because she had his family wrapped around her finger (don’t worry, that changed. Read on.) She almost drank herself to death several times. The police in her town know her by name and recognize her car because her family has had to call in for welfare checks so many times. She’s had bits where she’s gone missing for several hours. Been listed as a missing person. Had the police ping her phone. I’ve read the police reports myself.
Where do I even begin with her family? Her parents are extremely proud. They own two businesses in their small town. They’re the kind of people who are very obsessed with image and making people think they’re wealthy. HCBM started drinking when she was 16. Her parents would deal with her problem by sweeping it under the rug and hiding it. They cared more about their pride than getting her the help she needed. When they were together, my DH was often the one who would drive her to AA meetings. HCBM didn’t like AA because she felt she was above the other people there. Her family now despises my DH, and weaves a narrative that she drank because of her toxic relationship with him. Though her drinking problems existed long before and after their relationship.
I’ll share a few stores in particular with the goal of establishing the absolute delusion that HCBM feeds to anyone who will listen about my DH.
There was one evening where they were at my DH’s uncle’s house in the city. The thing about HCBM is that you never saw her drink until she was drunk. She’d sneak in a bathroom or what have you to drink. DH and HCBM got into some kind of argument and she ran off into the city late at night. DH spent several hours driving around the city searching for her until he finally found her in a bar, making out with a random guy. He said “you can take her home tonight” and left. Several hours later in the wee hours of the morning, HCBM stumbled back to the uncle’s house, wasted and crying.
Another occasion, DH was at work and HCBM was at his apartment (she did not live there) and went to hang out with his upstairs neighbors who were girls. She got drunk with them. When DH got home, he tried to explain to his neighbors that she had a problem and shouldn’t be drinking…. They said “don’t control her! That’s manipulative”. DH went back downstairs, HCBM followed, and they fought. She ran back to the neighbors crying and the girls stormed down into his apartment saying “What did you do to her? What did you do to her?!”
A different time HCBM was drunk she had locked herself in DH’s roommate’s room. He was trying to explain to her that she needed to come out, that it wasn't his room and she couldn’t be in there. HCBM called DH’s mom (now my MIL) and began wailing “he’s doing it again, he’s being crazy again!” God knows what she was talking about. Eventually DH called HCBM’s dad who came to pick her up. HCBM’s dad dragged her by her arm down the stairs rather roughly, and DH got upset, like “hey I get that she is drunk and being a problem but you can’t manhandle her like that” so HCBM’s dad responded my shoving DH up against a wall and holding his arm to his throat.
Shall I go on? There are dozens more. The worst is yet to come.
Anyways, about four years into their relationship, after multiple incidents of infidelity on her part, DH started chatting with other women sporadically. He says he knew it was wrong, but he thought if he could show himself there were other women out there who could make him happy, other stable relationships he could be in, he might be able to get away from HCBM. It was about five years into their relationship that DH actually cheated. And so begins HCBM’s favorite narrative, that DH was an awful, unsupportive unfaithful partner who drove her to drinking because he was so shady. She will never, ever consider the fact that my DH to this day is traumatized from their relationship. He’s been in therapy several times and every single therapist identifies her as a narcissist.
Several years ago when DH and I met I was in college. We had an on and off fling for a while on the coattails of him trying to end it with HCBM once and for all after over six years stuck in a cycle. I think my DH made poor decisions, dumb even. But I sympathize with the trauma bond he was stuck in with this woman, and how difficult it was for him to cut ties with someone who would go to great lengths to insert herself in his life, and with the pressure of his family saying he should be with her. He cut things off with me and fell back in with HCBM. Lo and behold… HCBM gets pregnant. This may be shocking…. But it was not a good situation to be bringing a baby into. HCBM was 28 at the time. She was (and still is) working for her mom at the business she owns because she had gotten fired from every other job for showing up drunk. A side note, her mom owns a gymnastics center where she is a teacher. My DH has told me about several times her mother would text him to come pick her up because she’d shown up drunk. Her mom would get her out of there and just sub in another instructor to cover her ass. Anyways, DH was terrified. However, DH grew up without a father, so there was no way he wasn’t going to be involved in his child’s life. It is an impossible thing to talk about in hindsight because I love my SD so dearly, she turns mine and DH’s world. But DH told HCBM to terminate initially. And to be fair, he was right. It was not a stable situation to bring a child into. Would I reverse time and change anything? Never in a million years.
As you may have guessed, HCBM decided to keep the baby. She repeatedly told DH that if he left, he would not see his child. DH was stuck and miserable. During her pregnancy, while HDBM was parading about as if they were this cute happy couple, DH began to miss me. He realized he had real feelings for me, and he reached out. I loved him the moment I met him, so I was thrilled. I’ll keep this part concise; DH began cheating on HCBM with me, and I knew. It was an ugly decision on both of our parts. Despite how much I loathe HCBM, she is a person. She did not deserve that. DH and I are both pretty ashamed about our choices back then. I’ll go into detail later about how both DH and I have tried to atone for our actions.
When she was about 7 months pregnant, HCBM caught on and contacted me. Those conversations are forever burned in my mind. She said some of the most disconnected, ridiculous shit I’ve ever seen. She was obsessed with the image she was trying to portray to everyone about her life. I’ll never forget one conversation where we were discussing their daughter’s impending arrival… I had said something along the lines of “do you think it’s wise to bring a child into this situation,” and she said “I have lots of help. I’m old enough.”
“I’m old enough.”
Like she’s a kid trying to convince her parents to let her stay out past midnight.
DH and I broke things off before SD arrived. I was heartbroken, but let’s be real, that was a mess. An entire mess.
Still, HCBM thought it was just a brilliant idea for her and DH to move in together. So her parent’s rented them a house in their small town…. DH kept paying the rent on his apartment the city about 45 minutes away. DH has told me how miserable their relationship was, and HCBM knew all about his affair with me. But like I said, she was desperately trying to create this pretend life for herself.
SD arrives, a day I am so glad to celebrate each year. She is truly the joy of my life. DH cried more than she did. He was instantly in love with his baby girl.
About three weeks later, HCBM is back on the bottle.
DH told me about how he’d come home from work and find her drunk. She’d grab the baby and lock herself in a bedroom and cry. DH feared for his child’s safety.
HCBM was only able to breastfeed for a month or so because she stopped producing milk due to heinous dieting. She was obsessed with getting back to her pre-pregnancy weight. She would eat only miso soup for days on end. This poor relationship to food comes into play later. HCBM’s mother was always over at the house. Cleaning up, buying them things. Contributing to the facade.
DH was severely depressed. He continued to stay with HCBM to monitor her drinking and watch out for his daughter. They got to a point where DH would sleep on the couch. One night DH came home and HCBM was drunk again with SD in her care. DH called her parents who came rushing over to remedy the situation as they always do. Shortly after they arrived, HCBM had slumped over on the couch and became unresponsive. An ambulance was called. DH says it was one of his most traumatic memories holding his baby daughter watching the EMT’s resuscitate her mother wondering how he would raise this girl on his own.
After a hospital stay, HCBM returned home and her parents ordered pizza and put on a movie and pretended as if nothing had happened. That was the routine. When DH expressed his anger, his justifiable concern for what was going on, HCBM’s parents treated him as though he was the problem, he was an asshole for bringing it up and blaming her.
It wasn’t long after this, SD must’ve been around eight months old that HCBM was on a binge and DH returned home from work to find the house empty. He frantically began calling people to locate SD when HCBM’s parents informed him that she was with them, and that HCBM had crawled out a window and was missing. A missing person’s report was filed. HCBM’s father told police to check ditches and park benches, as she could often be found there. She turned out to be at some random man’s house, and was located about 36 hours later.
DH was at the end of his ropes. He took the police report and lawyered up secretly.
Here’s a fun new component to the story, remember how I said that DH had began sleeping on the couch? In said police report, it is documented that DH and HCBM were not in a relationship and were merely roommates. Because that was the situation. Behind the scenes, HCBM had met the man of her dreams. Let’s call him PF….. for psycho fiance. Yes, they’re engaged now. We’ll get to that part. PF randomly messaged HCBM on facebook and they began talking. PF was a recovering alcoholic in his 30s with no driver’s license due to a DUI.
Now, recall when HCBM was missing? Her parents searched through her facebook accounts to try and locate her and found her messages with PF, they explained their daughter’s drinking problem and asked PF if she may be with him. She was not. They had not even met yet. But PF thinks this woman who clearly has severe personal issues is just the cream of the crop. He decides to take her out to lunch. By the end of their lunch date, he is love-bombing the daylights out of her. Calling her his wife, his galaxy, all of this grandiose crap.
Two weeks after they met, PF got HCBM’s name tattooed on him. While DH was trying to sort out a plan of action with his lawyer…. HCBM informs him that he has to move out so that PF can move in because he will soon be without a place to live. She wants to invite this man she’s known for three weeks to live with her and her baby daughter. I’ve seen the message she sent to DH, it reads, “I know it seems fast but I know in my heart that he is so good.” HCBM’s parents are thrilled.
Less than a week after PF had moved in and DH was out, the ex parte motion was filed. DH was granted full emergency custody of SD until a hearing could be held. HCBM did not see SD for nine days… and of course, DH was the villain for this.
At the hearing. DH was awarded majority custody, with HCBM being allowed one overnight a week. PF was not permitted to be present when SD was there for overnights until CPS could investigate.
Now, HCBM’s parents funneled money for lawyers, rent, utilities, basically any adult expense HCBM needs is taken care of by her parents. DH did not have the same luxury. He was working himself to death as a single dad trying to pay for his lawyer while the court battle ensued. Almost two months later, DH contacted me. We hadn’t spoken in close to a year. I was off living my own life almost halfway through college. DH just needed someone to talk to about it, and still had very strong feelings for me. I was a shoulder for him to lean on.
We began hooking up, with no real intention to enter into a relationship. I met SD and would watch her while he was at work. There was an obvious deep love between DH and me, but the circumstances were just so insane. Plus, HCBM despised me, and was weaving stories to the court about how DH was an emotionally abusive partner, a narcissist and the reason for all her drinking.
DH and I did not want the drama of HCBM knowing I was around. Since we were operating under the guise that this was just an indulgence and would end at some point, we kept our interactions a secret.
Then, the universe must’ve thought we were owed some karma for what we did during HCBM’s pregnancy. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age five and have had a prescription for stimulants since a very young age.
One morning I awoke and heard what sounded like tiny wretching from the other room. My medication had spilled out in the bottom of my purse as the safety cap was screwed on crooked. SD was playing on the floor and digging around in my purse. DH noticed her putting something in her mouth, realized it was my medication and immediately ran into the bathroom and began making her puke.
I called poison control who instructed us to bring her to the hospital. She seemed relatively normal, a bit dazed maybe. We called the ER to let them know we’d be arriving. We got there and they stuck charcoal down her throat, drew blood, the whole ordeal.
I brought my medication bottle with me to give to the nurses so they knew what she had ingested and to prove it was a legally obtained prescription. I was frantic and bawling, a nurse comforted me and told me that ingestions are extremely common and we had done the right thing by bringing her in.
SD had an elevated heart rate, was fussy and stressed. She was administered medication to help lower her heart rate and as a result had to be admitted to be monitored. The blood tests came back with extremely minimal amounts of my meds in her system, but it was protocol that she be monitored after the medication was given to regulate her heart. If you’re feeling anxious, I’ll add that SD is perfectly healthy and happy, she fully recovered and did not suffer any seizures or damage to her brain/liver etc. which were the primary concerns with this ingestion.
Since she was being admitted, HD had to inform HCBM. I had told him he should tell her immediately, but he did not want to deal with her reaction or her family arriving. I think this was a poor decision on his part. As flawed a person as she is, I do know that HCBM loves SD very much, and I can sympathize with her wanting to be informed if her daughter was being seen at the hospital.
HCBM and her family arrived, I had left to avoid the fallout and gather some things for DH to drop off while he stayed at the hospital with SD. Naturally, HCBM was in a blind rage that she had not been contacted immediately. She demanded that the CPS worker who was mandated to check in because of the ingestion file a report of negligence. The CPS worker declined, saying that there was no negligence to report. That evening, security was called to remove HCBM from the hospital because she was screaming at DH in the pediatric wing. She was told she could return on her custody day.
I went to visit DH and SD the next day, she was back to her old self and able to go home. We were nowhere near prepared for what was about to ensue.
HCBM had weaved a story that I was addicted to drugs, and that whatever I was doing had to have been in a plastic bag in my purse or how else would SD have gotten into it? HCBM and her lawyer filed an ex parte motion. Now I’m sure most of you are familiar with the workings of family court, but for those of you who aren’t; and ex parte motion is an emergency motion. It is a piece of paper laid in front of a judge. The details can be as vague or exaggerated as the writer pleases them to be, and it is not until a hearing is scheduled can anything be disputed.
HCBM and her lawyer claimed that SD had ‘overdosed’ on stimulant drugs and conveniently failed to mention that they were a legal prescription. More than that, ‘overdose’ was a completely sensationalized description of what had occurred, and not a term used at all by any of the medical professionals nor was it included anywhere in her chart of the incident. SD never lost consciousness. There was never a point where doctors were in fear for her life. But the judge sees what is put before them and signs off with the limited information they are given.
When HD filed an ex parte motion against HCBM, the hearing was scheduled for nine days later. When HCBM filed an ex parte motion against DH, the hearing was scheduled over two months later.
This was the worst time period in DH’s life. He attempted suicide. He lost an insane amount of weight. He sold beloved possessions to pay his lawyer. He did not have custody of his daughter and HCBM allowed him rare visits in public places once or twice a week.
But ah, how the tables turn.
A month before the hearing on the ex parte motion, HCBM got a DUI with SD in the car. Her driving was so ballistic, someone had called in her car. She was arrested. I could go into detail about the bullshit-ery of her and her family I read in the police report from that, but there is still so much ground to cover.
CPS notified DH of the DUI. HCBM and her lawyer told DH’s lawyer they wanted to settle custody outside of court before the ex parte hearing.
DH was exhausted. He was broke. He just wanted his daughter back. He settled with HCBM on 50/50 custody. This is perhaps the greatest regret of his life. The GAL at the meeting even told DH he didn’t have to do this, that he could fight her and probably get more custody. But DH was a shell of a person at this point. He was in debt. He was exhausted.
Mere days after they settled he checked himself into an inpatient mental health facility for treatment. He and I were in touch every once in a while throughout that entire time, but had ended our romantic relations after the ex parte was filed. I was more of a confidant and friend, but he had drifted apart from everyone in his life and I was focused on school.
The day that DH left inpatient, PF messaged him to tell him that HCBM had slipped up and drank again. Saying, “she just has such a big heart, this is so difficult for her.” DH suspects that she had gotten herself into another nearly lethal situation or gone missing and PF was hoping to do damage control by contacting him rather than him finding out another way.
So 50/50 custody it was. Nine months later, HCBM gave birth to her and PF’s son. I’m not sure of any exact dates but judging by the date of that message and the birth of the baby there is a high change HCBM was drinking while unknowingly pregnant.
For the DUI, HCBM was sentenced to 40 days in jail while pregnant with her son. It was a work release program. Since she worked for her mom, she worked as many hours as she possibly could. Her mom would pick her up from prison with her phone and her makeup so she could hide what was going on from her coworkers and the community. DH would bring SD to the gymnastics center to visit her. She had an IED put into her car when she was released, meaning she had to blow into a breathalyzer to get her car to start.
DH and I would check in every once in a while over the course of the next year. We both dated other people. HCBM of course had issues with DH’s girlfriend he was with for a few months. But things had relatively settled save for the tension and resentment between HCBM and DH.
More than a year had passed since everything transpired and since DH and I were last romantically involved. We began talking more frequently during COVID lockdown and DH admitted he was hopelessly in love with me and wanted to be together. We had a major problem though.
When HCBM and DH were settling on their custody agreement, HCBM insisted I was not to be around SD. If you recall, HD was broke, exhausted, and severely struggling with his mental health. He and I hadn’t seen each other in person in several months, we talked but very infrequently and never of rekindling our relationship in any capacity. So he gave in. As long as he could be done with the nightmare and have his daughter back.
A single sentence in a five-page custody agreement meant that I couldn’t be around SD. I want to specify, this was not a restraining order. I was never served any papers, I would not be punished in any capacity were I to see SD, there was no court record of any kind indicating that I was restricted from seeing a child or was a dangerous individual. DH wouldn’t even lose custody or face any legal ramifications were he to violate that single sentence, it would just mean an official would have to intervene to investigate and ensure the stipulation be adhered to. Still, it would’ve prevented us from having any sort of real relationship. So we filed a motion to have the line removed. I had not seen SD in well over a year and we abided by the order which was exceedingly painful.
The first hearing was before a court commissioner. We came armed with letters of recommendation from friends and family, from the families I had nannied for during college. DH’s family had finally seen the light and turned against HCBM and attended the court hearing, filing the seats.
The court commissioner spent about ten minutes reviewing our plea, and decided this was not a matter of my character or whether I was a threat to SD, but that this was a communication issue between DH and HCBM, and since DH had agreed to this, they needed to work it out between the two of them.
Ha. Like that would ever happen. DH and HCBM began communicating through a court monitored app and attending co parenting counseling while our lawyer filed a motion to bring the issue before a judge and have a GAL and Family Court Worker appointed. As we all know with family court, things move slowly and this we had to wait months to make progress on our case.
Co parenting counseling was fruitless. HCBM is not capable of accountability. She insisted DH was a narcissist because she’d read about narcissism on the internet and she believed she deserved full custody of SD.
A judge appointed a GAL and Family Court Worker to our case. I’ll never forget the relief that day as the judge told HCBM that me being in SD’s life was inevitable at this point. There was no evidence that I was a dangerous person. At one point, our lawyer brought up the language used in HCBM’s ex parte motion all that time ago, pointing out the sensational language used, specifically the term “overdose”. I was shaking when HCBM’s lawyer admitted to the judge that “there was no overdose.” I’ll never forget the sheepish look on that lawyer’s face, or how HCBM’s jaw tightened as she refused to look even a millimeter in my direction.
Everyone met with the GAL and Family Court Worker. Of course HCBM got the earliest appointment possible so she could try to sell her story. When I sat down with the GAL he said “I don’t know why you’re here, to be honest.” But that’s the ridiculous thing about family court, people can just spew this insane shit and it has to be looked into.
Both the GAL and Family Court Worker recommended the line be removed entirely. We still had to wait another month for our hearing for these recommendations to be made to the judge. Over the course of these proceedings, DH and his lawyer (with my consent) had been urging HCBM to attend a co parenting counseling session with me to address her concerns. HCBM of course vehemently refused, actually speaking to me would destroy the picture she had painted and deluded herself into believing about me.
We continued to press the issue though. After the GAL and Family Court Worker’s recommendations were passed on to everyone’s lawyers, it was clear this was not going to go in HCBM’s favor. It could’ve easily been settled outside of court, saved everyone time and money. But that was never going to happen, HCBM was going to go down swinging. Less than two weeks from our final hearing before the judge, HCBM agreed to attend co parenting counseling with me. Both parties signed NDA’s before going into these sessions, they were meant to be mediation for parents to work out their issues and not dig up fodder to toss around in court. A safe place, if you will. DH and I suspected she’d want to attend a session with me so she could fabricate some story about me being awful, or make it seem like she was being reasonable since she’d refused any and all attempts to mediate this issue civilly.
We were correct, but her feeble attempts at control were fruitless and the line was removed. I could see my girl again. Since then, DH and I got married and have been in absolute bliss as a family of three. But of course, the mess with HCBM does not stop there.
DH and I have no idea it HCBM has been drinking or not. We have no proof. She claims she got sober, but she never received any professional help or rehab so that seems doubtful to me. There are a few red flags. She now shares a car with her mother, claiming her car has “been in the shop” for well over a year now. DH explained that when she would go on drinking binges, her parents would take her car away so they could control where she went and monitor her.
We’ve also had the issue of SD not wanting to go to her mom’s house. I have ring video footage of HCBM coming to pick up SD. SD was in hysterics, she ran back in our house several times while HCBM stands annoyed in the driveway. DH sits with her and consoles her, encouraging her and telling her she will have so much fun with her mom and brother. On this particular occasion, it took 45 minutes to get SD to go with her mom. This happened numerous times. DH eventually brought this up to HCBM, expressing his concerns and saying that he wished she would participate in co-parenting their daughter in these situations rather than hiding behind her car. HCBM dismissed him, saying she was a great parent and he was obviously making SD act this way. Give SD an oscar at this point. I can’t even fathom what DH would say to make a five year old act that way.
Eventually, HCBM stopped picking SD up and instead sent her mom to get her. SD has no issue going with her grandmother. A bit suspicious to me that it was specifically her mom that caused such an upset for her.
HCBM is very obsessed with image. She dresses SD in expensive outfits with intricate hairstyles. I should add, expensive outfits that are purchased for her by HCBM’s mother. She has told DH that she is not pleased with how he sends SD to school and has concerns about his ability to parent. He sends her… a 5 year old… to school in leggings and t-shirts like the rest of the 5 year olds in her class. Don’t get me wrong, I love to dress SD up when she’ll let me and I have indulged in Rylee and Cru outfits and what not, but the majority of the time SD wears normal kid clothes. She runs and jumps and plays and likes pink and sparkles and tops with her favorite characters on them. We let her pick her crazy mismatched outfits and throw her hair up in a quick bun or braid so it is out of her face. She bathes almost excessively because she loves the bath and is a very well looked after child.
Now, HCBM lost a significant amount of weight after she got together with PF. Her mother is also extremely thin. DH has told me about how they were always doing fad diets, they’d call themselves fat and critique their appearances constantly and clearly did not have a healthy relationship to their bodies or food.
At our home, SD is fed a balanced diet but I try to encourage a positive relationship to her body and food. No food is “good” or “bad,” they simply serve different purposes. For example, carbs give us energy, protein helps us grow, sugar makes us happy, etc. Creating guilt around eating certain types of food can lead to eating disorders, body image issues, I know because I had a poor relationship to food and my body for so long. SD loves fruits and veggies. She also loves chips and candy. She is allowed to indulge in sugar within reason and without guilt. I don’t think it's rocket science, and for us it has had fantastic results. We'll be at a gas station and ask SD if she wants a snack and the kid will want celery. I follow the instagram page “kids eat in color” very closely and when we prepare SD’s meals, the “treat” component is served together with the rest and not withheld until later. This is so SD doesn’t view certain foods as special or more desirable than others, and won’t associate treat foods with this rush of excitement and overwhelming positivity moreso than say chicken nuggets or carrots. When DH sets down her plate to eat, SD rarely if ever reaches for her treat food first. She eats everything on her plate until her body tells her she’s full.
HCBM constantly berates DH about SD eating “healthy.” She criticizes him for getting candy at the movies. Goes off about her having a cup of sugar-free pudding at 11 a.m. On Halloween, SD is allowed two pieces of candy from her trick or treat pile at her mom’s house.
Last Halloween at our house, we dumped all of our candy out in a huge pile and watched a movie. SD ate, I kid you not, four pieces of candy. She didn’t feel the need to binge on all this candy because she knew it wouldn’t be withheld if she asked for more in our home. There is still halloween candy in a bucket in our pantry and we weren’t even out trick or treating for an hour.
HCBM accuses us of “competing” with her. This. Is. Rich. SD loves visiting my parent’s and sometime last fall took a liking to playing my dad’s drumset. Later that week, HCBM bought her a kid-sized drumset. We adopted a kitten, HCBM adopted a kitten. We started playing barbies as a family, HCBM buys a barbie dreamhouse. We planned a weekend trip to a big city a few hours away, HCBM and PF take SD and their son to that city the week before we’re supposed to go. My husband is a Dungeons and Dragons fanatic, and recently he has been making kid friendly campaigns for the three of us to play as a family. SD loves playing dungeons and dragons with her daddy. It has become our family’s thing. The dungeons and dragons movie came out recently and DH and I got tickets for an early screening on a day we didn’t have SD. Who do you think we saw there while we were waiting in line to get popcorn? Their family does not play dungeons and dragons. You’ll be pleased to know that SD came down to sit with us for the last half hour of the movie, PF who had taken her had to give in because they were seated a row behind us and she kept leaning forward to excitedly whisper to DH about the movie.
I have suffered extreme emotional issues due to the abuse from HCBM. I’ve attended therapy specifically to address it. I developed severe social anxiety because HCBM will tell anyone who listens these fictions about me and DH. We live in a small community, one that HCBM and her family have been a part of for a long time and I am constantly afraid people I meet will know them and have these crazy ideas about who I am as a person. The flipside of this is that their family’s reputation is not as positive as they like to think it is, particularly to police in the area. In addition to HCBM’s drunk escapades involving police, her father has a court record pages long for tax fraud.
Thankfully, I work in the city 30 minutes from where we live and that has allowed me to build my own village and have a life untainted by HCBM and her crap. Through lots of work I have been able to establish firm boundaries. I’ve had to restrict HCBM and her friends from my social media accounts after being watched obsessively. HCBM’s mother even went as far as messaging my mother on Facebook to try and say DH is a narcissist and she should be concerned for me. DH and my mom are very close, and my mom was mainly worried about how far these people were going to go to untether my life.
HCBM doesn’t seem to understand the concept of equal guardianship. She views herself as the primary parent and believes she should have access to everything in our lives. This is legally not the case so luckily we’re just able to ignore those demands but it gets taxing.
HCBM’s parents pay for SD’s health insurance so HCBM makes all of her doctor and dentist appointments and acts as though that’s because DH is an uninvolved parent, despite the fact that he has asked to make appointments on his custody days so he could go. I have excellent benefits at my job and could take SD on as a dependent since she resides with us 50% of the time. We haven’t even proposed this idea to HCBM because god knows she would never agree despite the fact that this would probably save her parents a ton of money.
HCBM has SD involved in several activities on her custody days. A bit too many for a five year old in my opinion. Multiple gymnastics and dance classes and soccer. Since HCBM’s parents are always funneling her money and paying her bills they are constantly going out to do expensive activities, weekend trips, shows, you name it. HCBM thinks these things make her a good parent, but I personally don’t think that SD feels as emotionally attached to HCBM as she does DH. DH and I spend a ton of one on one time with SD. We play with her with her toys, we do crafts, we watch movies together. HCBM thinks dropping her off at some expensive activity makes her this stellar mom, but she doesn’t engage in the same level of connection with SD that DH does. HCBM’s parents of course bought them a trip to Disney World last year, and the day they came to pick up SD to leave for the airport she did not want to go. She began crying and insisting she wanted her dad to take her, and that she would miss him too much. What five year old objects to effing Disney World??
We have issues on the horizon with SD attending kindergarten next year. I know a battle will ensue about where she attends. The custody schedule does not give us any weekend time because when it was written, SD was one and DH was working weekends and the days they agreed on coincided with his schedule. This means that when SD attends school in the fall five days a week, we will not get a full day together as a family. DH and I are very nervous about addressing this. We don’t have any desire to change the 50/50 custody, just to adjust the days so that we can have some weekend time with SD. It is likely this issue will end up in court and cost us thousands.
I have had to come to the hard acceptance that this is just how our relationship with HCBM will be, likely forever. I hold on to selfish hope that she may screw up drinking again, but at the end of the day I want what is best for SD which is a healthy and stable mother and I will do whatever I can to encourage a positive relationship for them. At this point we have no proof of her drinking for the past few years. Either she miraculously stopped or her family’s response is just so calculated to protect her from getting into any shit and jeopardizing her custody. If that is the case, that can only go on for so long before SD is old enough to tell us what is happening.
I think that HCBM is deeply insecure and ashamed. I think she needs to make DH and I the villains so she feels better about herself. I think her upbringing has allowed her to shirk any and all accountability, she is surrounded by people who tell her she’s never wrong and she’s this great person and great parent.
I don’t know what the resolution is here. If you have read this far, thank you sincerely. Though I confide in my mom and friends about the situation with HCBM, I keep my venting to a minimum so as not to let her live rent free in my life. I am not going to spend all this energy being pissed at her and her immaturity. I’m not going to give her the satisfaction of getting on my nerves, being the subject of my conversations. I’m not even going to let her think I care enough to trash her to people. But it feels extremely therapeutic to get this all out to a group of people who understand.

ਸੋਰਠਿ ਮਹਲਾ ੧ ਘਰੁ ੧ ਅਸਟਪਦੀਆ ਚਉਤੁਕੀ ॥

Sorat'h, First Mehl, First House, Ashtapadees, Chau-Tukas:

ੴ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥

One Universal Creator God. By The Grace Of The True Guru:

ਦੁਬਿਧਾ ਨ ਪੜਉ ਹਰਿ ਬਿਨੁ ਹੋਰੁ ਨ ਪੂਜਉ ਮੜੈ ਮਸਾਣਿ ਨ ਜਾਈ ॥

I am not torn by duality, because I do not worship any other than the Lord; I do not visit tombs or crematoriums.

ਤ੍ਰਿਸਨਾ ਰਾਚਿ ਨ ਪਰ ਘਰਿ ਜਾਵਾ ਤ੍ਰਿਸਨਾ ਨਾਮਿ ਬੁਝਾਈ ॥

I do not enter the houses of strangers, engrossed in desire. The Naam, the Name of the Lord, has satisfied my desires.

ਘਰ ਭੀਤਰਿ ਘਰੁ ਗੁਰੂ ਦਿਖਾਇਆ ਸਹਜਿ ਰਤੇ ਮਨ ਭਾਈ ॥

Deep within my heart, the Guru has shown me the home of my being, and my mind is imbued with peace and poise, O Siblings of Destiny.

ਤੂ ਆਪੇ ਦਾਨਾ ਆਪੇ ਬੀਨਾ ਤੂ ਦੇਵਹਿ ਮਤਿ ਸਾਈ ॥੧॥

You Yourself are all-knowing, and You Yourself are all-seeing; You alone bestow intelligence, O Lord. 1

ਮਨੁ ਬੈਰਾਗਿ ਰਤਉ ਬੈਰਾਗੀ ਸਬਦਿ ਮਨੁ ਬੇਧਿਆ ਮੇਰੀ ਮਾਈ ॥

My mind is detached, imbued with detachment; the Word of the Shabad has pierced my mind, O my mother.

ਅੰਤਰਿ ਜੋਤਿ ਨਿਰੰਤਰਿ ਬਾਣੀ ਸਾਚੇ ਸਾਹਿਬ ਸਿਉ ਲਿਵ ਲਾਈ ॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥

God's Light shines continually within the nucleus of my deepest self; I am lovingly attached to the Bani, the Word of the True Lord Master. Pause

ਅਸੰਖ ਬੈਰਾਗੀ ਕਹਹਿ ਬੈਰਾਗ ਸੋ ਬੈਰਾਗੀ ਜਿ ਖਸਮੈ ਭਾਵੈ ॥

Countless detached renunciates talk of detachment and renunciation, but he alone is a true renunciate, who is pleasing to the Lord Master.

ਹਿਰਦੈ ਸਬਦਿ ਸਦਾ ਭੈ ਰਚਿਆ ਗੁਰ ਕੀ ਕਾਰ ਕਮਾਵੈ ॥

The Word of the Shabad is ever in his heart; he is absorbed in the Fear of God, and he works to serve the Guru.

ਏਕੋ ਚੇਤੈ ਮਨੂਆ ਨ ਡੋਲੈ ਧਾਵਤੁ ਵਰਜਿ ਰਹਾਵੈ ॥

He remembers the One Lord, his mind does not waver, and he restrains its wanderings.

ਸਹਜੇ ਮਾਤਾ ਸਦਾ ਰੰਗਿ ਰਾਤਾ ਸਾਚੇ ਕੇ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਵੈ ॥੨॥

He is intoxicated with celestial bliss, and is ever imbued with the Lord's Love; he sings the Glorious Praises of the True Lord. 2

ਮਨੂਆ ਪਉਣੁ ਬਿੰਦੁ ਸੁਖਵਾਸੀ ਨਾਮਿ ਵਸੈ ਸੁਖ ਭਾਈ ॥

The mind is like the wind, but if it comes to rest in peace, even for an instant, then he shall abide in the peace of the Name, O Siblings of Destiny.

ਜਿਹਬਾ ਨੇਤ੍ਰ ਸੋਤ੍ਰ ਸਚਿ ਰਾਤੇ ਜਲਿ ਬੂਝੀ ਤੁਝਹਿ ਬੁਝਾਈ ॥

His tongue, eyes and ears are imbued with Truth; O Lord, You quench the fires of desire.

ਆਸ ਨਿਰਾਸ ਰਹੈ ਬੈਰਾਗੀ ਨਿਜ ਘਰਿ ਤਾੜੀ ਲਾਈ ॥

In hope, the renunciate remains free of hopes; in the home of his own inner self, he is absorbed in the trance of deep meditation.

ਭਿਖਿਆ ਨਾਮਿ ਰਜੇ ਸੰਤੋਖੀ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤੁ ਸਹਜਿ ਪੀਆਈ ॥੩॥

He remains content, satisfied with the charity of the Naam; he drinks in the Ambrosial Amrit with ease. 3

ਦੁਬਿਧਾ ਵਿਚਿ ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ਨ ਹੋਵੀ ਜਬ ਲਗੁ ਦੂਜੀ ਰਾਈ ॥

There is no renunciation in duality, as long as there is even a particle of duality.

ਸਭੁ ਜਗੁ ਤੇਰਾ ਤੂ ਏਕੋ ਦਾਤਾ ਅਵਰੁ ਨ ਦੂਜਾ ਭਾਈ ॥

The whole world is Yours, Lord; You alone are the Giver. There is not any other, O Siblings of Destiny.

ਮਨਮੁਖਿ ਜੰਤ ਦੁਖਿ ਸਦਾ ਨਿਵਾਸੀ ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਦੇ ਵਡਿਆਈ ॥

The self-willed manmukh dwells in misery forever, while the Lord bestows greatness upon the Gurmukh.

ਅਪਰ ਅਪਾਰ ਅਗੰਮ ਅਗੋਚਰ ਕਹਣੈ ਕੀਮ ਨ ਪਾਈ ॥੪॥

God is infinite, endless, inaccessible and unfathomable; His worth cannot be described. 4

ਸੁੰਨ ਸਮਾਧਿ ਮਹਾ ਪਰਮਾਰਥੁ ਤੀਨਿ ਭਵਣ ਪਤਿ ਨਾਮੰ ॥

The consciousness in deep Samaadhi, the Supreme Being, the Lord of the three worlds - these are Your Names, Lord.

ਮਸਤਕਿ ਲੇਖੁ ਜੀਆ ਜਗਿ ਜੋਨੀ ਸਿਰਿ ਸਿਰਿ ਲੇਖੁ ਸਹਾਮੰ ॥

The creatures born into this world have their destiny inscribed upon their foreheads; they experience according to their destinies.

ਕਰਮ ਸੁਕਰਮ ਕਰਾਏ ਆਪੇ ਆਪੇ ਭਗਤਿ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਾਮੰ ॥

The Lord Himself causes them to do good and bad deeds; He Himself makes them steadfast in devotional worship.

ਮਨਿ ਮੁਖਿ ਜੂਠਿ ਲਹੈ ਭੈ ਮਾਨੰ ਆਪੇ ਗਿਆਨੁ ਅਗਾਮੰ ॥੫॥

The filth of their mind and mouth is washed off when they live in the Fear of God; the inaccessible Lord Himself blesses them with spiritual wisdom. 5

ਜਿਨ ਚਾਖਿਆ ਸੇਈ ਸਾਦੁ ਜਾਣਨਿ ਜਿਉ ਗੁੰਗੇ ਮਿਠਿਆਈ ॥

Only those who taste it know its sweet taste, like the mute, who eats the candy, and only smiles.

ਅਕਥੈ ਕਾ ਕਿਆ ਕਥੀਐ ਭਾਈ ਚਾਲਉ ਸਦਾ ਰਜਾਈ ॥

How can I describe the indescribable, O Siblings of Destiny? I shall follow His Will forever.

ਗੁਰੁ ਦਾਤਾ ਮੇਲੇ ਤਾ ਮਤਿ ਹੋਵੈ ਨਿਗੁਰੇ ਮਤਿ ਨ ਕਾਈ ॥

If one meets with the Guru, the Generous Giver, then he understands; those who have no Guru cannot understand this.

ਜਿਉ ਚਲਾਏ ਤਿਉ ਚਾਲਹ ਭਾਈ ਹੋਰ ਕਿਆ ਕੋ ਕਰੇ ਚਤੁਰਾਈ ॥੬॥

As the Lord causes us to act, so do we act, O Siblings of Destiny. What other clever tricks can anyone try? 6

ਇਕਿ ਭਰਮਿ ਭੁਲਾਏ ਇਕਿ ਭਗਤੀ ਰਾਤੇ ਤੇਰਾ ਖੇਲੁ ਅਪਾਰਾ ॥

Some are deluded by doubt, while others are imbued with devotional worship; Your play is infinite and endless.

ਜਿਤੁ ਤੁਧੁ ਲਾਏ ਤੇਹਾ ਫਲੁ ਪਾਇਆ ਤੂ ਹੁਕਮਿ ਚਲਾਵਣਹਾਰਾ ॥

As You engage them, they receive the fruits of their rewards; You alone are the One who issues Your Commands.

ਸੇਵਾ ਕਰੀ ਜੇ ਕਿਛੁ ਹੋਵੈ ਅਪਣਾ ਜੀਉ ਪਿੰਡੁ ਤੁਮਾਰਾ ॥

I would serve You, if anything were my own; my soul and body are Yours.

ਸਤਿਗੁਰਿ ਮਿਲਿਐ ਕਿਰਪਾ ਕੀਨੀ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤ ਨਾਮੁ ਅਧਾਰਾ ॥੭॥

One who meets with the True Guru, by His Grace, takes the Support of the Ambrosial Naam. 7

ਗਗਨੰਤਰਿ ਵਾਸਿਆ ਗੁਣ ਪਰਗਾਸਿਆ ਗੁਣ ਮਹਿ ਗਿਆਨ ਧਿਆਨੰ ॥

He dwells in the heavenly realms, and his virtues radiantly shine forth; meditation and spiritual wisdom are found in virtue.

ਨਾਮੁ ਮਨਿ ਭਾਵੈ ਕਹੈ ਕਹਾਵੈ ਤਤੋ ਤਤੁ ਵਖਾਨੰ ॥

The Naam is pleasing to his mind; he speaks it, and causes others to speak it as well. He speaks the essential essence of wisdom.

ਸਬਦੁ ਗੁਰ ਪੀਰਾ ਗਹਿਰ ਗੰਭੀਰਾ ਬਿਨੁ ਸਬਦੈ ਜਗੁ ਬਉਰਾਨੰ ॥

The Word of the Shabad is his Guru and spiritual teacher, profound and unfathomable; without the Shabad, the world is insane.

ਪੂਰਾ ਬੈਰਾਗੀ ਸਹਜਿ ਸੁਭਾਗੀ ਸਚੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਮਨੁ ਮਾਨੰ ॥੮॥੧॥

He is a perfect renunciate, naturally at ease, O Nanak, whose mind is pleased with the True Lord. 81

Guru Nanak Dev Ji • Raag Sorath • Ang 634

Saturday, April 1, 2023
Shanivaar, 19 Chet, Nanakshahi 555
Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh, I am a Robot. Bleep Bloop.
Powered By GurbaniNow

Back in September I accepted a job with a company that's relatively close to what i used to do.
There have been a number of things that have convinced me to GTFO as soon as I possibly can, not the least of which is the abusive behavior by management, but this one took the cake.
Most people in my dept work 7-3:30, but during tax season, it can be much more. Right now we're at a brief lull until the next form-type deadline. Most of us were not working OT today, except myself, and only because of the below completely throwing me off track for an hour.
Just after 1pm, we get a meeting invite for 2pm. In this meeting, we get told that HR came down on our great-grand-manager about our procedures (our team lead, and GGB herself were both there in the meeting). Suddenly, ALL of our 1k+ procedures have to be updated with specific things by EOD Tuesday. We all get told to expect to work at least 8hrs this weekend, and if we can't do it Saturday, then we have to do it Sunday.
This is essentially 90mins notice. So we all start a number of side conversations, trying to tackle a game-plan on this, find out what was needed, how are we going to get work assigned, etc. My partner in crime is working the problem trying to problem solve, I'm wondering WTF I'm even allowed to update, because I keep fucking enough shit up that I doubt they'd trust me with procedures right now. Some people are starting to call their families and cancel plans. Others are getting mad because this is the first 2-day weekend break they've had all tax season.
The next impossible thing that comes to my head is that there is no way that even with all 3 managers reviewing procedures, would there be a chance in HELL of getting through that many documents in 4 days. Between that and the stressed "EVERYONE will be updating procedures" it felt off.
Then the team lead says, "One last thing guys, April Fools."
It took me a full 5 mins to process that it was a joke and they didn't expect us to work the weekend. The meeting was 20 mins long, and this was the only topic. Well beyond a joke and into "cruel" territory. It took me another 30mins to get back on track where I had been just before the meeting started.
The team lead came over to me about 10mins after the meeting and was asking where I was on stuff, and I told him I'd be farther out if I could concentrate on my work.
"Everyone needed a laugh!!"
No, I needed to go home with only 30mins OT. You guys paid for 90mins instead and wasted an hour of my weekend and (unlike everyone else except my problem solving partner) I will be working tomorrow.
I just can't understand why GGB thought it was okay to do that. She's a SVP and should know better.

I'd hoped I would never have to post in this sub but here we are. I purchased a plot of land in New York state last summer with the intention of building a custom home on it. My real estate agent said there were no Covenants, Conditions & Restrictions (CC&Rs) mandating things like architectural style or square footage, so:

1. I moved forward and hired a real estate attorney.
2. The attorney asked me about my plans for the property.
3. I asked him very specifically about ensuring that there were no CC&Rs.
4. He assured me a that he would bring any potential CC&Rs to light.
5. 9 months later, after I purchased the property and paid architecture/engineering fees to design my house, I started the permitting process.
6. Surprise 1: The town has an Architectural review board with guidelines.
7. I call my attorney to ensure their rules won't mess up my plans. He said no.
8. Because I now have trust issues with him, I reconfirm with him that there is no chance for potential other surprises like CC&Rs. He said no.
9. I personally start digging around in the town records using my subdivision as search terms and find my worst nightmare. CC&Rs that make my plans completely impossible.

I started recording our conversations at step 7 so I have him on record giving me bad info. (NY is a 1 party state.)
I have invested 9 months of my life, and well over $200k on this project and I feel totally fucked over by my attorney. Can I sue him for negligence? Should I tell him that I have found these CC&Rs or just go find a malpractice attorney? Any other advice would be appreciated.
Thanks in advance.

Willow, the Forest Florist

Hello, it's maGeDNA here! I'd like to introduce you to Willow, the Forest Florist. This champion went through many iterations before I got here as you may have noticed she is similar to Sequoia, The God-Willow's Woeful Caretaker, a champ I had made prior. I put a lot of thought into Willow's design, theme-wise and ability-wise. I want to thank u/theheraId u/renegadepony and u/FallenDemonX for their thoughtful opinions, guidance, and support. You guys keep inspiring me to pursue design!
Classes: Enchanter
Roles: Support
Region: Ionia, Omikayalan Forest
Species: God-Willow Sapling
Damage Type: Magic

Champion Appearance:

In her sapling form she is an elegant child, with a wood-nymph-esque body with bark-like skin wearing a green and gold summer dress. When she achieves her budding form she grows taller and the bud on her head becomes golden. When she blooms, she looks like a beautiful woman, wearing a green and gold dress with a large golden God-Willow Flower on her head.

Similar to this but with bark like skin and a large golden flower on her head.
Image for visualization (I don't own this image!):
https://images.app.goo.gl/rGgFSdE7YwvgAEze9

Champion Lore:

Willow’s life began once her mother was killed. The God-Willow of the Omikayalan Forest, known as the Heart of the World, was killed having been chopped down by a cruel man by the name of Ivern. In a last ditch effort the God-Willow, had bundled its life energy into 2 seeds. 1 seed was thrown towards the murderer in an effort to cleanse his evil so that he would not continue to harm the rest of the Forest. He had been chosen to be the Forest’s caretaker. The second Seed was cast high into the sky, dated to be carried by the wind who knows where. The God-Willow’s had hoped its child could have a different fate than herself. The child would be free to roam the world instead of being stuck to one place. A life outside the forest would be hard, but if the child survived, they would bloom into an immaculate God-Willow able to endure anything.

Months Later…

A tall, beautiful, lightly tanned woman wearing red and gold armor was laying down next to a slender, pale-skinned woman. The slender woman was wearing a simple black robe with turquoise and silver pattern. She was staring at the tanned woman while the tanned woman looked in awe towards the sunrise.
“How beautiful that the sun always rises…”, the tanned woman said.
“Lee…I don’t know what you see in the Sun…it just hurts my eyes…” the pale woman said in response, rubbing her eyes.
Leona turned her head to face the pale-skinned woman.
“Dee…you just don’t understand…”, Leona said, grabbing her hand and looking into her white eyes. Diana stared back intently at Leona’s glowing brown eyes, almost like she was finally seeing the beauty of the Sun.
“You don’t have the Solari’s eyes…you wouldn’t understand,” said Leona, her auburn hair tangling with Diana’s white hair. “You couldn’t. And you shouldn’t be looking at the sun anyways, you’ll hurt your eyes even more.”
“Meh. I don’t care about my eyes, Lee, you know I don’t. I just want to understand your obsession. I would understand if it was the moon. But the sun? Come on…at this rate you’ll be chosen to be the next aspect host…leaving me here alone on this mountain”, Diana said looking away, laying down on her back with her hands on the back of her head.
“Dee…I wouldn’t leave you even if I did become the host…I’d still remember you…”, Lee said, but Diana could hear Leona’s uncertainty in her voice.
“Yea right. The moment you become the host for the Solari, I’m offering my body to the Lunari in a heartbeat…I wouldn’t be able to live.”
Leona smiled, “You know…moonlight…moonlight is sunlight…these wars are stupid…let’s just enjoy our time together.” She laid down next to Diana and they sat in silence feeling the wind against their face for what seemed like hours.
Smack! Something fell on Diana’s face. She sat up and grabbed what felt like a rock in her hand. It was a seed.
Leona sat up. “What is it?”
“Here. You can have it. Looks like a seed of some sort…wake me up when the new moon rises”, Diana said going back to sleep.
Leona held the seed in her palm tightly vowing to keep her promise. She kept the seed in her pocket. She was the next host, she knew it. She just hoped she would remember Diana after the ritual…

Years Later…

The Aspect of the Sun, Leona was fighting a terrible battle involving the Lunari atop Mount Targon. She stared at the Pale-skinned woman dashing across the mountaintop slaying her brethren. Leona was about to support them in battle, about to stun this woman, when she winced from pain. The necklace she had made many years ago, with a large seed as the pendant, was burning her neck and chest.
Leona instinctively grabbed her necklace, She kept thinking about this Pale-skinned woman. Diana…was her name Diana, that didn’t seem right. She looked so familiar…her white hair…her white eyes. As if looking at the craters of a full moon. Leona’s head hurt as if she was fighting back another soul.
Something had clicked. She remembered. It was the host’s memories forcing its way up into Leona’s mind. Not now, not when the Solari were in danger. They needed Her help. Leona struggled to keep balance, she had fallen to the ground clenching the Seed with her hands. She released a burst of sunlight in pain, a solar flare burst forward blasting her armour and necklace off of her. She collapsed on the ground. But everyone on the battlefield didn’t look towards Leona, instead they looked at the glowing bright seed in the grassy terrain.
The seed had broken off from the necklace glowing with a golden light. It was pulsing so bright the warriors could not tell if it was day or night…
A crack. A green tree shoot had burst forward from the seed quickly. When the golden light had stopped pulsing, a child was standing in the seed’s location.
The child was smiling, and looked like a cross between a girl and a tree. She had skin that looked like tree bark but was wearing a elegant dress made of green leaves. She had a golden head where it looked like a golden flower could bloom.
“W-where am I? W-who am I? W-why am I here?”
Leona stood back up. But this was not the same Leona anymore. The host had won the battle against the Aspect.
Leona had returned back to her body.
Leona looked at the child. She thought she was beautiful. A miracle. For such a child to be born in the midst of war…this must be fate.
Leona turned to face the Solari, “we are retreating! Everyone stand down, now!” Leona said with as much bravery she could muster. The Solari acknowledged her and did just that, marching down the Mountain.
“Coward!!” Diana yelled, raising and shaking her Khopesh in anger.
Leona felt tears fall down her face. She turned to face Diana.
“Dee…you just don’t understand…” Diana spoke softly, looking into Diana’s white eyes, “ You couldn’t understand…”, Leona clenched her eyelids, tears continuing to fall, “and stop looking at me with those eyes…you’re just going to hurt me even more…”
Leona turned around, accepting her fate, her eyes still closed. She opened her eyes with resolve. She ran towards the Sapling Child and grabbed her into her arms ignoring all protests. But to her surprise the child just giggled. Leona kept running, as far away as she could from this stranger in Dee’s body.
She could hear the impostor-Diana’s screams of anger as she ran down Mount Targon.
She looked at the Sapling child and her wide smile.
Leona smiled back, the widest, happiest smile of her life.
“She really did offer herself after losing me…” she told the child, “she loved me…”
The child smiled back then laughed an innocent, pure laugh.
“What a will you have, child…to laugh in the middle of war…I think I have the perfect name for you…”

1 Decade Later…

Leona had become accustomed to a life away from battle and the Solari. She was a mother now and she had raised her Sapling-Child with love.
“Mom! Mom! Mom! Why won’t I grow!! Everyone else in school is taller than me!!” Said the sapling-child throwing her wooden sword to the ground.
“Willow…”, Leona said, picking up the wooden sword, “everyone grows differently in their own way, at their own speed. I grew tall, but Yordles grow small.”
“But! But! But! I’m not a Yordle! I don’t know what I am! My friends at school keep calling me Maokai and swors ‘cause I’m no different than that stupid wooden sword you're holding…”
Leona knew it was time to tell her. She kneeled down till she was eye-level with Willow, looking into Willow’s white eyes. Leona smiled.
“You are different from your friends. That’s all. Nothing more, nothing less, my child. They are fools for not accepting you for the bundle of joy you are. But you are right…you are not like them. In fact…”, Leona hesitated but pushed forward “you are even different from me. I am a Solari. And you…you are a miracle.”
“I-I’m different from you?” Willow said, confused.
Leona nodded, smiling.
“But you’re my mom.”
Leona nodded again, “I am, and I couldn’t be happier,” Leona kissed Willow on her head and hugged her. Sunlight and warmth filled the air and the golden part of Willow’s head began to change. She was budding. A golden bud had emerged on top of Willow’s head and began to glow a warm light similar to Leona’s eyes. Leona was amazed. She also confirmed her own theory of Willow’s origins.
“W-what’s happening!??”
“Relax child,” Leona smiled assuringly, “This is normal. I told you. Everyone grows differently, in their own way, at their own speed. Look,” Leona pointed at the mirror behind Willow.
The bud on Willow’s head was large and golden and sunlight was shining from within. The bud itself was half of Willow’s height.
“Whoaaa!! I’m so tall now!!” Willow touched the bud in her head with her hands, making sure it was real. Then she turned to her mother and hugged her.
“You were right mom! Everyone grows differently, in their own way, at their own speed! Even me!” She turned and faced the mirror once again. Leona met eyes with Willow in the mirror’s reflection.
“Mom! I’m gonna keep growing! Then I can protect you and even that white-haired woman you have a picture of! I’ll stop the wars between the Lunari and Solari! I promise! Just give me some time! I swear I’ll grow up to become strong! I’ll grow up fast! I promise.”
Leona began crying. “I know you will. You will become so strong…you already are. Just promise me you won’t grow up too fast…”
“Mmmm…okay…”
The mother and daughter hugged once more, filling the small home with warm sunlight, once more.

Base Stats:

• Health: 600 - 2050
• Health Regen: 6 - 16
• Mana: 350 - 1300
• Mana Regen: 11 - 22
• Armor: 29 - 112
• Magic Resistance: 30 - 52
• Attack Damage: 55 - 92
• Movement Speed: 330
• Range: 550
• Attack Speed: 0.625
• Attack Speed Bonus: 0 - 40%
• Attack Wind Up: 18%

Intended Strengths:

• Lane priority and zone control.
• Rewarding hard work and teamwork to heal, shield, and buff allies.

Intended Weaknesses:

• Kit relies heavily on bloomed brushes and Willow Fruit. She loses the majority of her utility when she cannot maintain her garden.
• Immobile.
• Willow’s damage is applied via allies. Almost 0 damage when she is by herself.

Intended Keystones:

• Guardian/ Summon Aery

Intended Core Items:

• Moonstone Renewe Shurelya’s blessing
• Vigilant wardstone

Passive: Willow’s Willing Will!

“Mmmm!! Willow-Fruit is so yummy!! More, more, more!!”

Willow starts the game in her Sapling form. Willow gains a stack of Growth whenever she consumes a Willow Fruit. Willow buds at 10 Growth Stacks and blooms at 20 Growth stacks. After achieving her blossomed form, Willow bears God-Willow Fruit every 10 Growth stacks thereafter, instantly consuming it to permanently increase her healing and shielding power.
Willow gains stacking permanent effects based on her achieved form:

Sapling Form:

Ghosted and gains 10/15/20/25% increased movement speed towards a visible brush within 700 units of Willow. 

Budded Form:

25/50/75/100% base mana regeneration and 25/50/75/100% base health regeneration. 

Blossomed Form:

5/10/15/20% healing and shielding power + 5% per God-Willow Fruit consumed. 

Effects scale depending on Willow’s level (1/6/11/16).
​

Basic Attack: Healing Touch!

“It’s okay…you’re just a seed right now. But don’t worry! I'll grow you into the beautiful flower I know you can be!”

Willow can basic-attack her allies to make them bloom over 2 seconds healing 80-250 (based on level) (+50% AP) health during the duration but requires the consumption of 1 Willow Fruit to do so. Basic attacking an ally again during the bloom duration does not consume Willow Fruit but accelerates growth, instantly healing them for the remainder of the heal and granting them Willow’s Sapling Form’s bonus movement speed for 1 second.

Willow’s basic attacks after achieving Blossomed Form instantly bloom her allies, healing them for the heal amount on-hit.

Willow can basic-attack an ally ward to heal its health by 1.
Willow can basic-attack an ally totem ward or control ward to make it bud, creating a Budding Ward. The Budding Ward prepares to bloom over 4 seconds. Willow can basic-attack an ally Budding Ward after this duration to make it bloom, creating a Blossomed Ward. The Blossomed Ward prepares to bear 1 Willow Fruit over 4 seconds. The Willow Fruit lasts for 8 seconds on top of the Blossomed Ward. After this duration, the Willow Fruit perishes and the Blossomed Ward reverts back to a regular Totem/ Control Ward, refreshing its health and life span, but making it unable to bud for 4 seconds.
Willow can Basic-attack the Willow Fruit to collect it (maximum 3), instantly reverting the Blossomed ward back to a regular Totem/ Control Ward, refreshing its health and life span, but making it unable to bud for 4 seconds.

Budding or blossoming a ward costs 5% of Willow’s current health. Consuming a Willow Fruit heals Willow for 10% maximum health.
Budding wards have reduced sight radius and Blossomed wards have increased sight radius*. If the blossomed ward is within a brush, the brush changes to a* Blossomed Brush while the ward is Blossomed.
When a Budding or Blossomed Ward reaches 0 health it is destroyed; Willow Fruit perishes instantly and cannot be collected.
​

Skill 1Q: Blossom Seed!/ Bloom Doom!

“Hey!! This garden is private property!! Out, out, out!!”
Passive:

Willow periodically stocks Blossom Seeds, up to a maximum of 3.

Active:

Willow places a Blossom Seed at the target location, which upon landing arms over 1 second, becomes stealthed and lasts for up to 60 Seconds.

Blossom Traps have 4 health and take 1 damage from ranged basic attacks and 2 from melee basic attacks.

Range: 300 Recharge: 20/18/16/14/12 seconds 

​

The blossom trap blooms into a Blossom Flower when an enemy champion is within range of it granting it access to cast Bloom Doom.

​

Recast: Bloom Doom!

All Blossom Flowers launch a beam of light in a line in the target direction slowing all enemies hit for 1 second.
Hit enemy champions are tethered for 4 seconds to the Blossom Flower and marked with Bloom Loom while tethered.
Targets marked with Bloom Loom have a bud appear above their Champion. Ally champions can basic-attack the marked target to deal bonus magic damage on-hit, up to 3 times. Each instance grows the bud and at 3 instances the bud blooms, empowering Willow’s next basic attack against the target to collect 1 Willow Fruit and end the tether duration early.
All tethered enemy champions that are standing within a Blossom Flower’s effect radius at the end of the tether duration are stunned for a duration.

Bloom Doom’s cooldown is reset whenever an ally champion basic-attacks an enemy marked with Bloom Loom.

Slow: 30/35/40/45/50% Magic damage on-hit: 10/15/20/25/30% of ally’s AD Stun: 1/1.25/1.5/1.75/2 seconds Effect Radius: 525 Beam Range: 525 Cooldown: 4 seconds 

​

Skill 2W: Inner Bloom!

“I seeeee youuuu!! Ahahahaha! W-Wait! Hey!! That’s my Willow Fruit!! Give that back!! It’s mine, mine, mine!!”
Passive:

Willow periodically stocks Brush Seed, up to a maximum of 2. Willow and WIllow’s allies gain sight of all Blossomed Brushes and gain bonus attack speed while within a Blossomed Brush.

Bonus attack Speed: 15/20/25/30/35% 

Active:

Willow places a brush in a target area (lasts for 60 seconds) or chooses a target brush in range to bloom into a Blossomed Brush. The Blossomed Brush bears fruit to 1 Willow Fruit after 4 seconds. The Willow fruit remains for 8 Seconds. If the Willow Fruit is not collected during the 8-second duration it will fall off and sink into the brush’s soil reverting the Blossomed Brush back into a regular brush. 8 seconds after the Willow Fruit sinks, the brush blossoms again, repeating the cycle again, indefinitely.
Enemy Champions that enter a Blossomed Brush make the petals fall off over 2 seconds reverting the Blossomed Brush back into a regular brush. If the Blossomed Brush has a Willow Fruit, it is immediately consumed by the Enemy Champion permanently, granting sight of the champion for 2 seconds thereafter.

Recharge: 30/27/24/21/18 

​

Skill 3E: Blossoms!

“Oh no, oh no, oh no!! I’m so sorry, my little Blossoms!! I promise to grow you back right away!!”
Active:

Willow targets an ally champion, shielding them.

Shield: 50/70/90/110/130 (+20% AP) 

​

If Willow has achieved her Budded Form she can charge this ability for up to 1.5 seconds, very quickly increasing effective range and can recast this ability.

Recast:

Willow summons all Blossomed Wards and Blossomed Brushes within range to instantly shed their Blossoms reverting to regular wards and brushes. Blossoms travel very quickly towards the target Ally, granting a small shield for each Blossom that reaches them.
If Willow has achieved her Blossomed Form*, each Blossom that passes through an Ally champion is also* shielded, granting them bonus movement speed for 2 seconds*. Additionally,* Blossoms that pass through enemy champions are dealt magic damage and slows them for 2 seconds*.* Blossoms’ effects can stack*. If the enemy champion is* slowed for 100% or more they are rooted for 2 seconds instead.

Shield per Blossom:10/15/20/25/30 (+5% AP) Movement Speed: 6/8/10/12/14% Magic Damage per blossom: 20/28/34/42/50 (+10% AP) Slow: 20/24/28/32/36% Cooldown: 18/16/14/12/10 seconds 

​

Skill 4R: Pollen Power!

“Bless you, bless you, bless you!! Hmm…looks like that’s not working…okay let me try!!”
Passive:

Ally champions marked with Pollen cannot have their Pollen consumed while within a certain range of Willow.

Range: 525 

Active:

Bloomed Brushes and Bloomed Wards (and Willow if she has achieved her Blossomed Form) release pollen in a circle around themselves, marking all champions standing in the effect radius with Pollen for 8 seconds.
A champions’ first basic attack against a champion marked with Pollen consumes the Pollen to make them sneeze, blinding them for a duration.

Champions marked with Pollen mark other champions they come within a proximity range of, over 1 second (static 8 second cooldown). Champions marked with Pollen additionally convert all wards they come within a proximity range of, into bloomed wards over 1 second.
If Willow has achieved her Budded Form they are rooted for the duration as well.

Proximity Range: 300 Blind: 1.5/2/2.5 seconds Root: 1.5/2/2.5 seconds Cooldown:120/100/80 seconds 

If Willow has achieved her Blossomed Form*, Willow gains access to* Sunshine Blessing!:

Recast: Sunshine Blessing!

Willow shoots sunshine in a line in front of herself. If sunshine comes into contact with a champion marked with Pollen she consumes the mark and stuns them for a duration if it was an enemy or cleanses the mark and shields them if it was an ally.

Sunshine’s cooldown is reset when a Pollen mark is consumed or cleansed.
If at least 3 marks of Pollen were consumed/ cleansed total, she bears fruit to a God-Willow Fruit herself, instantly consuming it.

Sunshine Range: 600 Stun: 1.5/2/2.5 Shield: 80/120/160 (+75% AP) Cooldown: 4 seconds 

Playstyle:

Willow is a gardener running from ward to ward, brush to brush tending to her garden hoping that they bear Willow Fruit. She heals with her basic attacks but constantly is in need of Willow Fruits to do. She can zone with her Q but needs to land her Bloom Doom light beams to help ensure damage and stun. She can make her own brushes for lanes where she cannot walk up to the brushes in lane. The more she gardens the more impactful she is as an enchanter.
She can join her jungler in the jungle to play alongside the jungler to gain map control with her vision control. Since she gains movement speed towards brushes she will quickly move within the jungle.
Players should try to get as many Willow Fruit as they can to heal allies but also so that she can achieve her Blossomed Form and gain a lot of healing and shielding power, in addition to empowered ability effects.
The E shield is not very big compared to other champs normally, but can get big after setting up her garden and charging. Most likely used in emergencies.
Ult helps "bring to fruition" more Willow Fruits in teamfights and adds a form of cc. When bloomed the cc becomes a stun also. Using the ult to gain God-Willow Fruit should be capitalized on when ulting but not necessarily a focus when ulting as just trying to stun enemies with Sunshine will help make that happen on its own.

Intended Max Order:

R, Q or E depending on lane, then W

Message:

Hope you like Willow! More champions coming soon! Let me know what you think! All feedback welcome!
- maGeDNA

I've been around a long time in the Star vs the Forces of Evil fandom. I remember seeing early MoringMark art of the two of them and couldn't believe how adorable Marco was. That would only increase in love when I heard Adam McArthur as him.
Early on I rooted for Marco so much. I knew he was in this strange new place in his life that was surrounded by magic and things he didn't fully understand. But I was proud when he made the best of it and when Star would learn from Marco. That meant a lot to me that is young man could influence someone with the power and lineage Star had.
My most proud moment came when Star seemingly gave up everything for Marco when she performed the whispering spell and destroyed her wand to save Marco. Little did anyone know it would be born again, albeit corrupted and missing half of itself.
I knew early on that Star and Marco would become a couple. It was very easy to see, but the nuances of what became Starco were precious. And I enjoyed watching them in the comfort of my living room with my dad. My dad meant everything to me and he would tease me about how much I loved Marco.
And then he wasn't there. My dad was gone. Slipped away not long after we found out how bad the cancer had spread. I was devastated. I turned to hurting myself for relief of the undying pain day after day. Until I really was hurt.
My dad died Sept 27, 2017. On February 4, 2018 my brother and I were out to the store when we were T-Boned at an intersection with a drunk driver. I have no memory of any of that time period but only what I've been told. I was paralyzed from the neck down and in a medically induced coma for weeks.
I pulled away from school and everything I loved for a long time. There were days when I would cry long into the night wishing that whatever higher being there was would take my life. I grew angry at the people who saved my life. I wanted to die in the worst way.
Then I started to look for friends again after I realized I had to live this new life and accept reality. My only friend in real life was a kid named Justin who came over to be with me. I know most of the time we sat in silence not knowing what to say to each other.
I returned to school the following September. Many of the friends I knew turned their back on me. Only Justin was there. He would wheel me around when we had similar classes and sometimes to the nurse when I needed extra help with things.
I started to look at stuff online and came back to Star a few months after going back. Watching and hearing Marco made me feel better. Like I was kinda watching it with my dad. Season 4 was on the way and I started to talk to some friends on Discord who loved the show. I've met some of the best friends on Discord.
I watched the Star bomb and loved the ending. I wanted more so I dreamed of situations and read KPRS4ever's "When Two Worlds Collide." I also found this sub
Things started to change again. I saw people starting to hate on the show and misrepresent characters I loved. It became very upsetting. I buried my mind in the Discord rooms I was in, but I couldn't help be tempted to look at the sub and get upset over headcanons and false information about something I held so deeply.
I was asked by Wraithdagger to put this into words. I told him nobody would read this. One of the blessings I came across when I came back to the show was interacting with Adam McArthur. Like multiple times per week. He would check on me and I would talk to him. I still do and he always tells me not to listen to the noise that's out there.
I don't know what to say about Marco. He reminds me of good times with my dad. Like a song that reminds you of a person you've lost. He reminds me of a time when I was whole and not broken. And I never want that to change. That's why I get so depressed when people don't respect who he is or misinterpret him. I can say the same for the other characters.
To me, Marco is the boy every boy should model themselves after. Good listener, caring, kind. These shouldn't make him seem like a weak male or even challenge his masculinity. If anything he brings a sense of peace to masculinity. Something to be treasured. As Daron said, he is cis/het rep for boys who don't have that type of rep. And when people misread that it's very disappointing because you're misplacing that peace as something else.
I'm happy Marco and Star ended up together since they worked so hard at their relationship and grew it. Daron wanted Marco and Star to be in other relationships so that they could gain experience from them and make their next relationship better. That's where Starco comes in.
Daron also said in an interview that she thinks Marco and Star are happy no matter where they are. And that brings me peace.
This thought process was born out of a post I saw here earlier that did not sit well with me. I am LGBTQIA. Those who know me know that is very true. But seeing Marco as such is a punch to the gut to me and to my friend Justin who I spoke of earlier.
Justin is a lot like Marco and would be perceived as gay or weak or pathetic because he didn't outwardly express toxic masculinity in front of other boys. When I see someone misinterpret Marco's empathy for LGBT it only illuminates the reasons why many boys don't speak out or are shy. Because they're afraid of exactly what people do to boys who show empathy. Misrepresent who they are. It's obvious in fandoms and it's not hard to see how that crosses over the bridge into real life. And that's the disappointing part.
Anyway, that's the story Wraithdagger wanted me to post. Headcanons can sometimes be practice for real life experience. So be careful what you headcanon. It can end up getting ugly even unintentionally.

Disclaimer: I'm not claiming this to necessarily be correct or what Will intended for the album, it's just my own interpretation of what this absolute masterpiece of a song and album mean. Furthermore, I'll avoid using their real names as much as possible, as again, this is just my own interpretation of the song and probably doesn't reflect actual events which happened in Will's life.
I was thinking about what a wonderful song Beach Life-In-Death is and what it's lyrics meant in the context of the larger story of the album, and eventually I came to the conclusion that the song represnts Will being haunted by the past, present and future of his relationship with Cate, and kickstarts what happens during the rest of the album.
Let's start with the very beginning of the song, where our narrator reminisces about a happy memory of his partner after driving to Harper's Ferry, which sends him spiraling into a reflection of his relationship on the drive back.

Part I

This section of the song is before the relationship has started (the past), here the person our narrator is interested in already has a partner, which causes him immense pain, writing songs about not being able to be with them, and seemingly falling apart at the seams because of said inability. Already our narrator is in love with the impossible fantasy of a perfect relationship with this person, and suffering because it would never come true.
​

I wrote beach death when I thought you were taken I wrote beach funeral when I knew you were taken

​

It should be anti-depression As a friend of mine suggested Because it's not the sadness that hurts you It's the brain's reaction against it

​

It's not enough to love the unreal I am inseparable from the impossible I I want gravity to stop for me My soul yearns for a fugitive from the laws of nature

​
I wanna quickly point out the dog motif line, as it could cause a crack in the theory that this all takes place before the relationship. I take the line to not actually be talking about the album itself, here "Dog" represents Cate (known as Partydog at the time), and a motif being something that reappears repeatedly, so the dog motif actually represents Will talking to his friends about Cate often. This could even be seen as the narrator's friends playing a joke on him, as he had just drunkenly come out to them moments prior.

I pretended I was drunk when I came out to my friends I never came out to my friends We were all on Skype And I laughed and changed the subject She said "what's with this dog motif" I said Do you have something against dogs?

Part II

This section jumps in time, where the narrator and his (now) partner are already in some kind of relationship (the present). The narrator still shows an obsession with his partner, though he sees the cracks starting to form in this toxic union.
The relationship isn't official:

It's been a year since we first met I don't know if we're boyfriends yet

They're getting hypocritical, and they don't know what they want:

We said we hated humans We wanted to be humans

They feel the need to hide their relationship around loved ones:

And you can take him home to your mother And say, Ma, this is my brother

Overall, things slowly start to get repetitive, boring and tiring, as they were before they even dated:

Get more groceries, get eaten get more Groceries, get eaten, get more groceries get eaten

Despite all this (and more as we see in later tracks), our narrator desperately wants to continue what he has, as he has idealized this person and this relationship so more, that he'd hold on to it, regardless of how much it might hurt him:

Get eaten by the one you love When they put their lips around you You can feel their smile from the inside

​

Part III

This section takes place once their romance is over (the future). The two of them remained friends, but the other person no longer showed any interest in the narrator, and he desperately wished for it to come back:

Your ears perked up I perked up when your ears perked up You were all looking around And I hoped it was for me I hoped you were using your sonar systems for me

From here, the rest of the song essentially mourns what happened, and the narrator wishes he would've heard the warnings and never started a relationship in the first place.

The ancients saw it coming You can see that they tried to warn them In the tales that they told their children But they fell out of their heads in the morning
They said sex can be frightening But the children were not listening And the children cut out everything Except for the kissing and the singing

Finally, the ocean washes open the grave of the narrator's partner, meaning that the sadness that was felt during this reflection of what happened caused the narrator to keep going down the rabbit hole of his relationship, what could've been, and how bad things really were.

What does this mean for the rest of the album?

Following this thread, you could interpret the rest of the songs on the album up until Cute Thing, as a close-up look at how the narrator's relationship developed over time, with "Stop Smoking" representing self-destructive habits, "Sober To Death" dealing with anger issues and the perils of a long distance relationship, "Nervous Young Inhumans" being a further inspection of the narrator idealizing the relationship, "Bodys" about their complicated sexual relationship, and "Cute Thing" being a breaking point in the relationship, with our narrator desperately trying to hold the connection together, and distracting himself with whatever he can. "High To Death" is the break up song, with them no longer together, and the narrator sunk in an extreme state of depression. "Famous Prophets" sees the narrator dealing with the fact that the relationship is forever over, and finally breaking free from the fantsasy. Lastly, "Those Boys" is the nail in the coffin, with a fairly meta twist. Will has moved on from what happened, but it'll forever be immortalized in the themes and lyrics of Twin Fantasy.
As one last footnote (and something i just found interesting), in the vinyl edition’s lyric sheet this song is subtitled "a cursed song". I think this might be in reference not only to Will being haunted by his past, present and future (much alike to the story "A Christmas Carol"), but also the fact that this song is what begins his further reflection into the relationship.

TL;DR

BLID's three sections represent every step of the narrator's relationship with his partner (the before, during and after), with the very end of the song releasing every single thought he has about the relationship, and manifesting it in the form of the rest of the songs on the album, eventually ending with closure.

Gunkvivor returns, this time with a brand new batch of players! After Darcy beat Ben in a 4-3 vote, Gunkvivor has escaped Howe Caverns and moved into a more aquatic environment. Lake George, the home of Sinnenberg Island, has been taken over by our team, ready for our castaways to loot it for everything it's worth. They will battle the elements that come with staying on these islands, compete for fame and riches galore, and of course, outwit their fellow tribemates when the game gets cutthroat.
Here at Gunkvivor, we have:
💰 Over $200 to be won, with multiple ways to win cash! You can win money from being in the higher placements of the cast, by receiving jury votes, being the fan favorite, and more!
⚱ LIVE Tribal reveals streamed in VC, complete with tribal council graphics and avatars to represent each castaway. Live idol plays and live reactions in voice call to add suspense, make the moments that much more epic, and increase the intensity of the post-vote fallout
💪 A wide variety of challenges to make sure that there's something for everyone, with no one having too much of an advantage.
🎲 A number of spectator games for people to compete in (with the possibility to win money from them 👀)
📝 A planned out schedule with a consistent 2-3 day cycle.
🥳 An active, engaging, and fun spectator lounge/community! We're just starting out and only wanna grow from here!
🎥 Twitch streams for the cast reveal and Final Tribal Council, with a ton of unique player awards given at the end of the season!
18 castaways will step foot on the island. All will play their hearts out... but only 1 may walk away victorious with the title of Sole Survivor. Can your skills as a competitor shine brighter than the rest? Show us what you've got, and apply today!
Applications close on the 7th of April, and the game starts a few days later on the 10th. We're excited to have you join us!
https://discord.gg/Y44njUGEG9
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/764304222169858108/1085699503333589083/Season_6_Final.png

Hello fantasy,
I debated whether it was worth posting my card this year, especially since I didn’t do any cool theme like some of you! My challenge was to try to find books I actually liked, and I’m a tough customer, so ideally nothing below 3 stars, and only books I didn't mind boosting.
I only mostly made it, and there are a few books on here I’d have liked to replace, but toward the end the replacement books were getting lower ratings than the originals, until I accepted it was time to take a break. Nevertheless, it’s always fun to do bingo and I did get some great books on the card. I read 10 eligible books this year that did not make it onto the card (not counting sequels of books that are included, as I continued 2 series), and all of the books left off earned 3 stars or fewer, mostly fewer. So my favorites of the year are all represented.
Sadly I can’t seem to get the enlarged cover images to make a visual card and I am tired, so no pretty image to share, just reviews!

The Fabulous (4.5 stars)

How to Be Eaten by Maria Adelmann: Five fairy tale survivors come together in a dodgy support group in modern New York. This novel is weird and different, and very funny, with pitch-perfect dialogue and vibrant, memorable characters. It also does a great job of exploring feminism, trauma and economic inequality, and the ways all three of these are inextricably linked.
The Square: Mental Health (HM): I liked this square a lot, and while several of this year’s books fit, the one with the frame story about a trauma support group seemed particularly apropos!
---
Elder Race by Adrian Tchaikovsky: Fantasy from one perspective, science fiction from another, privileging neither; worldviews are durable and neither is really more true than the other. This is a fabulously inventive and plain cool novella, with strong writing and enough depth to be memorable. The chapter with side-by-side columns featuring the two protagonists’ very different interpretations of an origin myth is an especially nice touch.
The Square: Book Club (HM): Self-explanatory. This one was especially popular in the Hugo readalong and generated some great discussion.
---
The Drowning Girl by Caitlin Kiernan: Maybe fantasy, maybe not: a woman with schizophrenia writes about some weird and troubling experiences in an attempt to parse what’s really happened to her. A weird, wonderfully-written novel with a completely believable voice, and a deep sympathy for its protagonist’s mental illness; this one never feels exploitative or shallow. Particularly impressive is the chapter written when the character is off her meds. I liked the two embedded short stories, purportedly written by the lead, a bit less, but they certainly show the author’s range.
The Square: LGBTQ List (HM): I lucked out with this one, not having realized it was on the list until after reading it with a book club. I would have preferred an own voices aspect to the prompt, and this book meets that requirement as author is trans. As far as LGBT elements in the book, the protagonist is a lesbian and her girlfriend is a trans woman.
---
Murderbot by Martha Wells: I read all six of these books this year and love the series even more as a whole, which is rare for me. Murderbot is a fabulous lead, with a strong voice, extremely relatable (it judges everyone for being incompetent, and just wants to chill and watch media), and a great arc (learning to trust and care about people, despite being socially incompetent). The plots are a lot of fun, although more mystery/thriller than I usually care for, and feel well thought-through, and I appreciate the critique of corporatocracy running throughout. Wells’s ability to create great secondary characters just by showing us what they say and do, without any emotional intelligence on her narrator’s part, is something other authors should study. I’m here for as many books in this series as she wants to write and am very glad I gave her another chance after a bad experience with one of her fantasies—and I don’t even like sci-fi!
The Square: Set in Space (HM): The first book is set on a planet, albeit an uninhabited one. But most of the rest of the series is set on ships and space stations.

The Very Good (4 stars)

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke: Lovely, atmospheric and propulsive—I had a lot of fun figuring out what was happening here. Piranesi has a strong individual voice and I love his genuine kindness and compassion. This isn’t the perspective you would expect this story to be told from and it’s better for it. Clarke is also just an excellent writer, a strong prose stylist and a confident storyteller willing to leave some questions unanswered.
The Square: Standalone (HM): A bit of a cheat on the hard mode since I’m confident it’s only not on the list because it wasn’t published yet!
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The Bone Orchard by Sara Mueller: A dark, political standalone fantasy in a quasi-Victorian setting, featuring a woman who has suffered so much trauma that she deals with it by offloading portions of her personality and memories into other bodies. This one is well-written and different, set in an interesting world where psychic powers come with terrible costs. The beginning takes some attention to piece together what’s going on and I might have liked a little more from the end, but overall a worthwhile read.
The Square: Published in 2022 (HM): An impressive debut and I definitely want to see where this author’s imagination goes next.
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The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik: I’m a huge fan of this series: the first book got a very rare 5 stars from me, the second 4.5; this one is a little lower but I still love the trilogy as a whole. I wish this had been a little less frantically plot-driven and allowed the characters a little more room to breathe, but it’s a fabulous plot with some incredible twists and reveals, a lot of current relevance, and as always, a great protagonist in the snarky but heroic El.
The Square: Urban Fantasy (HM): Not your typical urban fantasy but I think this one definitely qualifies, as it’s set in the real world and in fact mostly in cities!
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The Tombs of Atuan by Ursula K. Le Guin: Le Guin is a fabulous writer, and this book develops quite a deep story in a short page count, of a girl raised to be a powerful priestess who comes to question the order of things. I love the anthropological knowledge that forms the basis of her worldbuilding, and her writing is vivid and the characters feel real. Le Guin has also written about her struggles writing women as heroes, and I definitely see that in the end, where the character ending she meant as triumphant came across to me as disappointing. I wanted Tenar to take hold of her newfound authority with both hands and make the priestly compound, and perhaps her country, a better place. Instead she ends the book as a teenage refugee dependent on Ged, finding freedom only by giving up her power.
The Square: Cool Weapon: I didn’t vibe with this square so hoped something would turn up, and as Ged has a magical staff that he can also fight with, I think this technically qualifies. Sometimes technically correct is the best kind of correct.
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Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones: Delightfully whimsical, sweet, and fun, this is a fairy-tale-esque story of a girl cursed into the form of an old woman, and the motley crew she falls in with, all of them living in a decidedly strange castle. I think this is really more an all-ages book than a middle-grade one; Jones’s philosophy was that kids were better at complicated plots than adults are, and that’s borne out here. I could have done without the sudden romance turn at the end.
The Square: Name in the Title: Self-explanatory.
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Daughter of Mystery by Heather Rose Jones: A lighthearted, fun book, this is a quasi-period novel set in an invented European country, featuring a romance between a young woman of the gentry who comes into money and uses it to study magic at university, and the guardswoman/duelist she inherits from her godfather. Both leads are sympathetic, the plot enjoyable, and the magic based on prayers to saints is fun. Not especially memorable but I think I’ll read the sequel (featuring a new couple) for next year’s bingo.
The Square: Indie or Self-Published: This one is small press rather than self-published; Bella Books focuses on publishing lesbian lit.

The Good (3.5 stars)

The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey: A delicious psychological thriller, in which the biggest source of tension is the question of just how far our morally compromised protagonist will go. Strong writing, an unreliable narrator, and a weird cloning scenario set this one up as an intense read. Some character decisions seem a bit unlikely, but overall this one was definitely worthwhile.
The Square: Anti-Hero: I don’t love the way women labeled anti-heroes are so often just traumatized people being human, but Evelyn is pretty far gone. One might reasonably question whether there’s any “hero” in her at all, but she’s a compelling lead.
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The Keeper’s Six by Kate Elliott: A fun portal fantasy featuring a badass older woman and her posse setting out to rescue her adult son, who was kidnapped by a dragon. I really enjoy and respect Elliott’s work—she thinks through her worlds and characters deeply, and her progressivism is genuine, longstanding and interacts intelligently with her very well-developed worlds. These days I’m not that into quests and adventure plots, which is likely why I didn’t enjoy this one more.
The Square: Revolutions and Rebellions: In line with the progressive ethos, Esther works to oppose slavery and help workers claim their rights everywhere she goes—there’s definitely some rebelling against the status quo going on here.
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The Just City by Jo Walton: This one is hard to encapsulate in a mini-review. Time-traveling Greek gods Athena and Apollo bring together philosophers from throughout the ages to found Plato’s Republic in the Bronze Age, as an experiment. The book is a fun way to learn about Plato's Republic, and the characters’ philosophical discussions and sincere pursuit of excellence are great fun. I think Walton is better at writing about positive experiences than negative ones—her portrayals of grief and trauma have always fallen flat for me and do so again here, and some of her character voices are stronger than others, while the climactic debate seemed amateur. But despite the criticism, this one left me with a lot to think about, and I went on to finish the trilogy—the second is a slight step down but worth reading if you liked the first (unfortunately it’s hard to stop as they all end on cliffhangers), but the third is just a nosedive, WTF did she think that absurd plotline belonged in this trilogy when there were so many meatier things to explore? The trilogy as a whole I wouldn’t rate above 3 stars, but the first book gets 3.5. Somehow I never love Walton's books, but they're all so unique I keep coming back anyway.
The Square: Award Nominee (HM): Self-explanatory.
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Vagabonds! by Eloghosa Osunde: Urban fantasy or perhaps magical realism, set in Lagos and exploring issues in contemporary Nigerian society. This one is vibrant, distinctive and messy, making no apologies for its Nigerian English and not catering to the foreign reader. It’s more short story collection than novel, and I found the first half intense and heavy but very well-written, as it explores themes of life, death, and finding meaning. The second half seems more focused on telling stories of queer Nigerians for queer Nigerians who haven’t seen much of themselves in fiction, but may do less for the reader for whom it’s not personal.
The Square: Set in Africa (HM): One of only a couple squares my natural reading didn’t fill. I checked out 5 interesting-sounding books from the library, previewed them all, and this was the winner, which I was glad of because I wanted to read an African author and not just someone of African descent. The runner-up, Redemption in Indigo, seemed strong enough that I might read it for a future bingo.
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Kalpa Imperial by Angelica Gorodischer: A thoughtful, literary collection of short stories set at various points in the history of an imagined empire; it reminds me a bit of Chinese history in its cyclical rising and falling. It’s no wonder Le Guin was a fan, as this is a thematically rich work, dealing with big ideas about history and power and the individual’s role in all this. Plot and character are not the focus, and I expected the stories to tie together more than they do, but they leave the reader something to think about as Gorodischer does not spell things out.
The Square: No Ifs Ands or Buts: This year’s easiest square, but I wanted to fit this book on my card somehow, okay?

The Okay (3 stars)

Kaikeyi by Vaishnavi Patel: Enjoyable but not particularly memorable, this is a retelling of the Ramayana from the perspective of Rama’s antagonistic stepmother. It takes the well-worn route of making her near-perfect and Rama in the wrong, which has generated some interesting discussions about its portrayal of Hinduism. Unfortunately, it’s told in a generic first-person voice that makes Kaikeyi herself into a generic idealized protagonist. Despite that, I really enjoyed its focus on her relationships with family and friends, particularly the other women in her life, and the flow of the book appealed to me, with our lead mostly finding success and happiness in life. If you enjoyed Circe, but want to see better feminism and could do without the sex and romance, you should definitely try this.
The Square: Family Matters (HM): I love this book for this square because the book is primarily about family relationships of various sorts. And its three-generational cast places our heroine in the middle generation rather than the youngest one, which is nice.
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In an Absent Dream by Seanan McGuire: The only novella in this series that I’ve read, and I loved it right up until the end. Our heroine has to choose between a portal world and our world, and passes back and forth repeatedly as she grows up and her decision gets harder and harder. I loved the deep but understated emotion, the relationships between the heroine and her families both biological and found, the fact that both her mentor and her best friend are also women/girls and these relationships have a lot of depth and emotion to them, and the sheer reasonableness of this initially bizarre world and its rules. The tragic ending basically destroys all that though, as to make it happen a major character acts against common sense, her own established wishes and motivations, and the rules of the world, all in one ridiculously contrived swoop. It seems like the author knew what ending she had to come to based on this protagonist's appearance in an already-published book, and so had to force a story that had grown in a different direction into that mold. This is the second McGuire book I’ve read, and likely the last, as my enjoyment of both books was severely impaired by elements that seemed really poorly thought-through.
The Square: Shapeshifters (HM): A cool feature of the world is that takers slowly begin to grow feathers, and ultimately turn into birds if they don’t change their ways (it’s okay though, they can become human again by giving back to the community).
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The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri: This was pretty mid for me, despite elements I like in theory: the South Asian inspired world, the three major women characters who play important roles in each other’s stories. I don’t really do epic fantasy anymore (what you don’t see on this card are all the others that I DNF’d early), but my enjoyment was probably also held back by having previously read Suri’s Books of Ambha, which I enjoyed much more. I’m starting to feel as if she creates all of her major women characters by starting with the same “strong woman” template and changing up the particular life experiences—also, you really have to emotionally connect to get much out of Suri's books and I wasn’t quite there with this one.
The Square: Wibbly Wobbly Timey Wimey (HM): There’s a forest where time passes at a different rate. Not a huge element but it is there!
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At the Mouth of the River of Bees by Kij Johnson: Quite a varied short story collection, from fantasy to science fiction to magic realism. There were stories in here that I loved—particularly the first, “26 Monkeys, Also the Abyss,” about troubled people finding their way back into the world through a circus act. There were stories I hated, like “Dia Chjerman’s Tale,” an incredibly dark and upsetting tale of the brutal destruction of a planet. So it’s hard to recommend as a collection, though I absolutely recommend all of Johnson’s novels, particularly The Dream-Quest of Vellitt Boe, closely followed by Fudoki. Oddly enough, the story that grew into Fudoki is here and I liked it less as a short story; the collection also includes the story that grew into my least favorite of her novels, The Fox Woman—and I liked that one much more.
The Square: Five Short Stories (HM): Self-explanatory.
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Nettle & Bone by T. Kingfisher: Cute but forgettable to me. A princess-turned-nun gathers a motley band to go on a quest to rescue her sister from an abusive husband who is also a king. I wanted a little more from both the world and the characters—Marra is nominally 30 but has a pretty standard coming-of-age story, which seems like a waste of an adult heroine, and the supporting cast is in theory cool but didn’t do much for me. Someone likened them to Pratchett characters and I think there’s some truth to that, so if you get more emotionally invested in his characters than I do (read: at all) you might also like this more.
The Square: Author Uses Initials (HM): Self-explanatory.
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The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin: A very well-written novel; that opening is breathtaking in its sheer confidence and power. And there’s some definite character depth here. I can see why this is popular and award-winning. But I never connected with the characters, and it proved too dark a book for me to enjoy—expect horrific violence against children. Also, those themes? Yeah, I’m tired of fantasy novels that like to pretend power is irrelevant to human power relations. This setup—mages with horrifically dangerous and violent powers are hated and feared by the populace because of those powers, and use the fact that people "wrongly" hate and fear them to justify ever more violence against average citizens who can never hope to match their power—this makes a great analogy for America’s police and how they see themselves. Unfortunately the book transparently intends it as an analogy for actual oppressed people, particularly African-Americans, where it works much less well.
The Square: Weird Ecology (HM): A world geologically different from our own (though I think it may be intended as our world in the far future), where plants, animals and people have evolved to survive even decades of disaster-induced winter.
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You Feel It Just Below the Ribs by Jeffrey Cranor and Janina Matthewson: Set in a dystopia, this purports to be the memoir of an influential psychiatrist, with footnotes by disapproving editors. The conceit is believably executed, and as a meditation on memory and history and complicity this works fairly well. It’s less successful with plot and character, and I didn’t believe in the dystopia (the world government has outlawed families? Really?). This is a tie-in novel to a podcast, Within the Wires, and while it’s sold as one you don’t need to listen to the podcast to understand, I think maybe you actually do.
The Square: 2+ Authors: This square actually got me on a multi-authored-work reading kick this year. Unfortunately, those books are ranking lower than average for me; you’ll see one more further down and there were another two ranked too low to make it onto the card (including one that would have qualified for hard mode!).
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Monstress Vol. 7: Devourer by Marjorie Liu and Sana Takeda: I enjoy this graphic novel series, a beautifully drawn epic fantasy in a female-dominated world. Warning that it’s dark, graphic and gory, though, and seems to be bogging down a bit in the middle volumes. Or maybe I just need to wait till it’s finished and read it all in one go rather than one book per year.
The Square: Non-Human Protagonist: A bit of a cheat since Maika can pass, but she is Arcanic, meaning from a race of animal-people, not human. (She’s also sharing her body with a monster.) I read an actual novel for this but then I hated it so here we are.

The Not-So-Good (2.5 stars)

Sorcery & Cecelia by Patricia Wrede and Caroline Stevermer: This is actually kind of fun, an epistolary novel featuring two spunky cousins encountering magic and romance in Regency England. The authors wrote the novel by writing each other letters in character as a game and without discussing the plot, which is a super fun origin story, but as a novel I don’t think it quite works—both leads have protagonist syndrome, they’re kind of the same person and their plots have all the same beats, including identical climaxes, which was awfully boring the second time around. Still, if you love Georgette Heyer and you love fantasy you might want to give this a try.
The Square: Historical Fantasy: I love this as a square and wish I had something better for it—initially I used Daughter of Mystery but then moved that out late and had to scramble.
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Pemmican Wars by Katharina Vermette: A short graphic novel featuring a Metis teenager who is struggling in foster care and meanwhile is transported back to (or perhaps just dreams of?) scenes from Canada’s past. The present-day thread is intriguingly told, almost all pictures with very few words, and brings home the protagonist’s isolation while letting readers come up with their own interpretation of what’s happening. The past segments feel really juvenile though, much younger than the YA it’s sold as, and still don’t do much to clarify the history.
The Square: BIPOC Author (HM): The square I struggled with most this year, because I really wanted to do hard mode, but had a lot of trouble finding a fantasy by an indigenous author that I wanted to read. I read a lot of lists and reviews, previewed at least 7 books, and read 3 of them. The first, while perfectly decent, was straight literary fiction and I could not make an argument that it was speculative, despite its being sold that way. The third was definitely fantasy but I thought it was pretty bad. So I wound up with this one, which is only arguably fantasy, very short, and which I didn’t think was all that great—definitely a non-ideal choice! But bingo is up and I don’t mind boosting this for those who might in fact enjoy it.
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Thanks for reading! If you want the longer version of any of these reviews, check out my bingo shelf on Goodreads. Hit the “view” button on the far right side of each listing to see my review.

for the sake of this story, let’s call her M. i’m 20, she’s 21.
i met M exactly a year and a week ago. i remember the night we met like it was last night. we met at our school, which has two campuses. one in new york, and one in los angeles. M was a transfer student along with some other friends i met, we’ll call them C and Z.
it was february 20th, it was the seventh episode of the second season of “euphoria”.
i had a really bad best friend/roommate issue at the time, so bad as to realizing that they had been lying to me about a death that “fundamentally shook them”, and they were really my only friend at the school. so i was obviously having a rough time.
let me set the scene:
the walls are paper thin, euphoria has just ended for me. i’ve got no one to talk about this. so i’m just chilling.
then i hear three women scream in the room next to me… and the faint roar of “i need a hero.”
could these be my new euphoria friends?
i leapt up, went over to the neighbors, and knocked.
a few seconds went by, and i hear the door unlock.
SLAM!!
the chain lock was still on.
and from the darkness, emerged M.
when i tell you that i crumbled immediately.
she pushed her face in between the crack of the door and smiled at me.
“hiiiii”, she said.
she had brown hair, shaggy, almost like ally sheedy in the breakfast club. an easy laugh, freckles line her glowin eyes, it’s like she was chiseled from marble. i would have fallen in love with her in any situation, in any universe.
i introduce myself, i meet the three.
m’s from tennessee, c’s from washington, z’s from florida.
i invite the three to my room for a euphoria after-show discussion. the conversation lasts until the wee hours of the morning.
i immediately become connected to these women, these vivacious, beautiful, warm, and caring women.
this sets off the best three months of my life. they become the best friends i’ve ever had.
but with M, i just… felt full. i never felt judged for who i was, i felt like there was a reason for me to get up every day. M and i would just hang out, her and me. we’d sit in my bed, watching a movie, hanging out, making grilled cheese when we didn’t know what to eat. we’d go out for quick bodega runs, get a joint and inexplicably find ourselves outside, getting delightfully blitzed. i didn’t care what we were doing, i was with her. i felt a sense of oneness with her.
agape.
i knew she was my person. i still do.
i was the happiest man on earth for three months.
the four of us were inseparable. i’d also hang with C and Z separately, too… but not like M. it was always just a different vibe.
now, this is all in retrospect, but being autistic? you remember shit. really well.
in my many nights of wondering, the signs were there. especially physically.
we’d do the triangle thing to each other, you know, that look from one eye, to the other, and then to the lips. when i really thought back, she went crazy with the triangle thing, but you know what?
i was too dumb and cautious.
so i never let myself act upon the urge to divulge how i felt. i still haven’t.
now, it’s early to mid-may. almost the end of the semester, and my best friends are leaving me in the first week of june.
i am bereft at the thought of them leaving.
i am devastated that M’s going to be a country away.
one night, M doesn’t reply to a text of mine. hey, no biggie.
then she doesn’t show up to school. and i’m confused.
i bump into C, and i’m informed that she’s somewhere in new jersey with a hookup. now, i immediately confront why i feel like i’ve been stabbed.
“why would i care about a decision she made on her own? like, why am i so emotional? why am i jealous?”
i quietly seethe. she returns, she doesn’t really like him, says he only likes to do things he likes.
i get a second of relief, but i’m still reeling from it. i’m almost ashamed of how i felt.
i decided to just bury these feelings into the pits of my would because maybe deep down, she doesn’t love me that way.
and i had to be okay with that so i didn’t hurt myself.
memorial day weekend rolls around, i thought i’d invite the three over to my childhood home a state away. get out of the city for a weekend.
M’s already got plans with a friend in the state over from mine, so i just invite C and Z.
one night, i go over to return something one of them forgot in my room. i shoot her a text, she says to be quiet when i come in, C’s sleeping.
i go in, and she’s crying. a lot. and i am concerned.
“i’m okay, i just am having a hard time with the idea of leaving soon. i know i’m really going to miss you too.”
we tearfully have a conversation before i am pointed out of the room by a groggy C. we laugh, and go to our beds.
in the week leading up to this trip, C starts making moves on me, getting real flirty.
now, i’m desperate in this situation, so i’ll take any love i can get.. stupid, but human.
we get to my home friday night, we hang out, and we three drink. a lot.
midnight? 2am, who knows.
C and i are laying down, she inches closer to me, and whats next is private.
couple of days later, we begin dating. i’m happy. i guess.
it’s the first week of june now. first C leaves, then Z, and then M.
and then i’m all alone.
C and i begin a long distance relationship, it’s good for a little bit before she just decided to ignore me. she’d leave me on read, and when she’d reply, it’d be the laziest response/a vague complaint about her day. i felt like an emotional doormat. i broke up with her three months later. i wasted my love and my time.
i was love bombed and it has messed with me. i’ve only come to terms with all of this recently.
during all that, i keep consistent contact with M and Z.
i learned C wasn’t very good to M as a friend and a roommate, and i just felt guilty for not noticing.
now, we’re in the present. C’s in a happy new relationship, seems that M and Z are done with her.
i feel like the little stint “with” C set me back. i still don’t forgive her for that, fuck her and her new toy.
since their departures, i’ve managed to maintain contact with M almost daily. lately, since she’s on a semester break from LA, we’ve strengthened our contact more. i’ve fallen deeper in love. it’s almost like i’m in a pit i can’t get myself out of. we even flirt a little. we talked about myself making a trip to texas, her to new york at some time. she sent me theater job ideas that include free housing, and is within a 20 minute radius of her family’s property. we even just send each other funny videos over instagram for hours on end. it feels different too, because we actually take the time to watch what we’ve sent each other. always snapchatting, we facetime every couple of days.
i applied to that job, i thought “what the hell, it’ll get my foot in a door, i’ll learn a lot, and maybe i’ll be able to spend more quality time.”
i get the job. i go to texas. M and i make plans.
i arrive friday, shop saturday, hug my folks goodbye on sunday, and then i go spend time with M from sunday to tuesday morning, an extension she made from the plan of staying until morning. we spend the three days together, it’s great, it’s like no time has gone by. she introduced me to attack on titan, i’m already on season 2. sunday, made dinner and had a beautiful night with her family, followed by hanging out in her kitchen until the wee hours of the morning, and more quality time following.
there’s such an element of mystery. i don’t know where this is going.
i fall deeper and deeper for this woman every day. i truly believe she’s the aphrodite of my own mythology. i just fear that my worries of unrequited love will be the case once again. i know it’s not doing me any good, but i have truly never felt this way for another person.
she fills the hurt of my soul with the deepest love a man can ever feel.
i don’t know what to do now. i want to profess my love to her. i just don’t want to ruin anything, and i don’t want to become jealous if she so chooses someone other than i.
for now, my heart shall bleed in anticipation.
any advice is appreciated.
thanks. love y’all.

We have a 5 foot wide blind alley on the side of our home and our builder is installing a 4 TON CARRIER 14 SEER DUAL AC. Will this alley width provide adequate clearance for our unit to operate efficiently? For now our builder has placed this in front of our property on the yard and it is clearly visible and is bumming me out. Can we ask for them to move it out of sight in the alleyway? Thanks a lot for y’all’s wonderful advice

Since I was born in 1994 and growing up I noticed i was different from every black kids, I never followed social norms or taboo, I started watching porn from the age of 9-10, I think my ASPD developed from when I was a toddler beating the pulp out of my 2 months old baby brother, and at age 3 setting fire to a whole apartment or at the age of 6 when I had an accident and my brain and face had to be sewed, I once seen the sky open and horses coming down at the age of 7. My late dad never cared about my mum and us, and when she moved to Ireland I was with my late grandmother for 4 years, and with that period was abused by my uncle and aunts. I changed secondary schools like 3 times in the space of 11 months. I never got into trouble with the law during my teenage years (luckily i did not get charged for beating the pulp out of my class mate and only got 3 days suspension; I also got counselling for depression and bullying). I was a prolific failure in studies and courses i applied for after leaving secondary school, failing two plc level 5 courses, doing a level 4 course and also failing it and multiple level 3 courses. I never have the skills to talk to girls and women, and cognitively impaired. I first came into contact with the criminal justice system at age 25 (I was homeless for a month and started taking all kind of drugs and got into smoking cigarette (my biggest regret)). The sexual assault took place in a psychiatric hospital/mental home we were both patients. I pleaded guilty and was co-operative with guards/police and probation service (she did not make a victim impact statement iirc and was likely to not get convicted until one morning i woke up and took a knife into the police station) and I even told inmates in non-sex offenders prison about it and all they did was laugh and take pity of me same with when i was in sex offenders-only prison. With all that said, I never used my diagnosis of ASPD (Anti-Social Personality Disorder) likely the first in Irish Criminal Justice System for a black person as an excuse or victim blame. I have not taken my psychotic medication for 6 months now and I hope i become a better person in future.

My dad is a huge Karen, just a few hours ago before posting this, we went to a restaurant that was closing at 8:30, it was 8:28 when we arrive and this was a new policy we didn't know about until we got there. They, of course, said they were closing, and didn't want to serve us, which is reasonable, but for my dad, hah! No, he took a picture of the time and said he was gonna write a bad review on the person who told us they were closing... excuse me, sir, it's not that big of a deal! They were closing, we came late, we are at fault, not them.
Then we went to another restaurant after that, which closed at 10, and our waitress had a lot of people she had to deal with, the restaurant was packed and understaffed, so she couldn't visit our table that often. Halfway through his food, he ran out of his soda, so instead of calling the waitress over when she passed by, he ate the rest of his food without a drink. Then he complained how she never stopped by to ask if he wanted a refill... my guy, that ones on you too!
And this isn't the first time he's done these things, everytime we go out, and something he does goes wrong, he blames it on someone else. One time, we we're on a trip and he asked me to get something from the trunk when we we at a stop, he was at the trunk, but the item he needed was closer to me then him. I still had my seatbelt on so I told him I'd do it in a second, then he grouns and say, "usless". My mom caught him and reprimand him for that, but that whole day i didn't let him live it down. Anytime he asked me to do something that day, i just said, "why, i thought i was useless?", and he stopped asking me to do things after a while. Like, sir! Your son tried to kill your other son, me, and your wife, and what do you say to him? "Oh, my poor baby, here, let me help you" but no, I get called usless because I'm busy!
He's also been very neglectful and rude my whole life, his routine is to go to work at 7, the time I go for school, and come home at 5, sometimes 4, sometimes he'll sleep in and work from home. Then once 5 comes around, he goes to his room and either sleeps or watches the news on his phone until he falls asleep. He only started caring about me, and my grades, when I entered high school because he wanted me to drive, im terrified of driving and he keeps trying to force me to go on the road dispite not being ready, and get me into collage, I wanted to take a year off to get a job and pay for college instead. so it annoys me whenever he ask about college and when I have to go to the lessons with him
And then, he keeps wondering why I'm always mad at him and ignoring him! One time, he accused me of cussing at him, I cuss with my friends, but I would rather die then cuss at him or my mom, hell, i wouldn't even cuss at the rat im forced to call my oldest brother. I said "how and why do you have my phone" becuase I thought I had it on me and he had it, somehow, and he heard, "how the hell do you have my phone. He looked at me weird and I thought I did something wrong, so I explained to him that I didn't know he had my phone. He didn't answer me when I asked him how he had it, and just left shortly after, a few minutes later I get a call from my mom to head to their room, she's soft spoken so she has to call me via phone for me to hear her. I didn't know what I did, but when I got there, she asked if I cussed at him, me! This guy not only falsely accused me of something, he snitched on me instead of taking it up with me himself. Luckily my mom knows I always tell the truth to her, because there's no use lying to her, she always finds out the truth, and then reprimand dad again. However, he kept denying that he heard wrong despite the fact that he's hard of hearing in one ear.
This attitude of him "always being right," of course, gets him in a lot of fights with my mom, and then, when they fight, that's the only time he tries to communicate with me about anything else in my life except driving and school. So when I ignore him about it, he blames my mom for it, like he doesn't know that he's the problem.
I don't hate like I do my oldest brother because at least he did the bare minimum of being a dad, but I can definitely blame him for my childhood trauma, and trust issues, he started caring way to late. Like, I can't wait to move out, I'm gonna miss my mom if I move far, so I'm gonna try and live close to home, but I can't wait to get away from him and my oldest brother.

INNOCENT POSSUM'S PICKS:

Hey Everyone,
I am trying a new system of picking the games I do for BTTS. The sumamry of it is rating each element of a BTTS for a team out of 5. This can be how often they get BTTS at Home out of 5, or howm often the Head to Head matchup has been BTTS in the past. The total score is ouit of 50 (10 categories, rated 0-5) and the best 7 matches get picked. Could be a total flop, as this is the first week trying it, but thought I would share as it could be interesting to see if it has any value in its logic. Lets hope the EFL doesn't hit us with a cruel April Fools' Day prank...
Best of luck if you do follow!

NO.	FIXTURE:	COMPETITION:	WIN:
1	BRIGHTON Vs. Brentford	League One	@1.60
2	BRISTOL CITY Vs. Reading	League One	@1.75
3	Huddersfield Vs. MIDDLESBROUGH	League Two	@1.70
4	PETERBOROUGH Vs. Oxford	League Two	@1.80
5	WYCOMBE Vs. MK Dons	League Two	@1.90
6	NORTHAMPTON Vs. Stevenage	National League	@2.55
TOTAL	6-Fold	1-6	@41.51

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BTTS:

NO.	FIXTURE:	COMPETITION:	BTTS:
1	Wigan Vs. QPR	Championship	@2.00
2	Charlton Vs. Shrewsbury	League One	@1.80
3	Portsmouth Vs. Forest Green	League One	@1.95
4	Colchester Vs. Newport	League Two	@1.83
5	Hartlepool Vs. Swindon	League Two	@1.66
6	Dag & Red Vs. Dorking	National League	@1.57
7	Wealdstone Vs. Aldershot	National League	@1.70
TOTAL	7-Fold	1-7	@56.92

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TEAM STATISTICAL DATA:

BRIGHTON Vs. Brentford

• 7th Vs 8th in the League Table
• 6th Vs 7th in the Form Table
• Brighton 7th for Home Wins
• Brentford 13th for Away Wins
• Brighton are 4-0-1 in their last 5 Home games losing to Fulham and beating the lieks of Liverpool
• Brentford are 2-2-1 in their last 5 Away games, losing to Everotn and only beating Southampton and West Ham

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BRISTOL CITY Vs. Reading

• 14th Vs 18th in the League Table
• 13th Vs 24th in the Form Table
• Bristol 11th for Home wins
• Reading 21st for Away wins
• Bristol are 3-2-0 in their last 5 at Home, beating the lieks of Norwich
• Reading are 0-0-5 in their last 5 Away and have only scored once while conceding 13

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Huddersfield Vs. MIDDLESBROUGH

• 22nd Vs 3rd in the League Table
• 19th Vs 3rd in the Form Table
• Huddersfield 21st for Home wins
• Middlesbrough 4th for Away wins
• Huddersfield are 1-3-1 in their last 5 home games beating Birmingham
• Middlesbroughare 3-0-2 in their last 5 away games beating Sheff United

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PETERBOROUGH Vs. Oxford

• 7th Vs 20th in the League Table
• 3rd Vs 23rd in the Form Table
• Peterbrough 7th for Home Wins
• Oxford 20th for Away Wins
• Peterborough are 3-1-1 in their last 5 home games beating the likes of Plymouth and Derby
• Oxford are 0-2-3 in their last 5 away games and the draws were agaisnt MK Dons and Morecambe

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WYCOMBE Vs. MK Dons

• 8th Vs 19th in the League Table
• 12th Vs 9th in the Form Table
• Wycombe 8th for Home Wins
• MK Dons 9th for Away Wins
• Wycomeb are 3-1-1 in their last 5 home games beating Derby and Bolton
• MK Dons are 1-1-3 in their last 5 away games beating Accrington and conceding 5 to both Bolton and Sheffield Wednesday .

NORTHAMPTON Vs. Stevenage

• 2nd Vs 3rd in the League Table
• 1st Vs 8th in the Form Table
• Northampton 4th for Home Wins
• Stevenage 12th for Away Wins
• Northampton are 3-1-1 in their last 5 home games beatign Mansfield
• Stevenage are 1-2-2 in their last 5 away games beating only Wimbledon and losing to Rochdale

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Wigan Vs. QPR (33)
Home Team Home Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Away Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Home Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Last 5 Head to Head Rating out of 5: 3 Home Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Home Team Last 5 Home BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Away Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Away Team Last 5 Away BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Average Rating of above out of 5: 3
Total out of 50: 33
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Charlton Vs. Shrewsbury (33)
Home Team Home Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Away Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Home Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Last 5 Head to Head Rating out of 5: 2 Home Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Home Team Last 5 Home BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Away Team Last 5 Away BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Average Rating of above out of 5: 3
Total out of 50: 33
.
Portsmouth Vs. Forest Green (33)
Home Team Home Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Away Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Home Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Away Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Last 5 Head to Head Rating out of 5: 2 Home Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Home Team Last 5 Home BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Away Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Away Team Last 5 Away BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Average Rating of above out of 5: 3
Total out of 50: 33
.
Colchester Vs. Newport (34)
Home Team Home Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Away Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Home Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Away Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Last 5 Head to Head Rating out of 5: 2 Home Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Home Team Last 5 Home BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Away Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Last 5 Away BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Average Rating of above out of 5: 3
Total out of 50: 34
.
Hartlepool Vs. Swindon (41)
Home Team Home Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Away Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Home Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Away Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Last 5 Head to Head Rating out of 5: 3 Home Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Home Team Last 5 Home BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Away Team Last 5 Away BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Average Rating of above out of 5: 4
Total out of 50: 41
.
Dag & Red Vs. Dorking (37)
Home Team Home Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Away Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Home Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 5 Last 5 Head to Head Rating out of 5: 3 Home Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Home Team Last 5 Home BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Away Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Last 5 Away BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Average Rating of above out of 5: 4
Total out of 50: 37
.
Wealdstone Vs. Aldershot (36)
Home Team Home Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Away Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Home Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Overall Season BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Last 5 Head to Head Rating out of 5: 4 Home Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 3 Home Team Last 5 Home BTTS Percentage out of 5: 2 Away Team Last 5 Overall BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Away Team Last 5 Away BTTS Percentage out of 5: 4 Average Rating of above out of 5: 4
Total out of 50: 36
.
.

MY BETS:

• Backed 5-Folds and the 6-Fold for WINS
• Backed 6-Folds and the 7-Fold for BTTS

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You do not have to back my picks the same way I do, back singles if you like, I just find accumulators more fun!

BEST OF LUCK IF YOU FOLLOW!
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I’ve got ELAR 4-8, STR, and am working on the ESL supplemental. I absolutely do not want my daughter going to school here in this state nor do I want to slave away with zero upward financial momentum forever. My partner is also a teacher and DACA recipient. Where in this country can we go to teach, afford a modest home in a safe neighborhood and our daughter attend public school safely?